Husband on his way home from VT

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Sep 9, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Well he's due home sometime today. Not quite sure when, because the only time I talked to him since he left was when he called and asked me what I want to keep from the cabin because he contacted a realestate agent up there to list it. I told him I don't really want anything from it and that it wasn't even something I could think about at the moment.

    My father is here still, until tomorrow. The only time I have had to myself to think about anything that is happening with my life has been when I go to bed at night. I got one good nights sleep and that was it. It has been downhill ever since.

    I'm realizing my h is not as devestated about this turn of events in our lives as everyone thought he was going to be. He was playing the victim. I'm the one who didn't give him enough attention, so he had to go find it somewhere else. Now he has skipped over the part of dealing with any of it and moved right into how he will financially protect himself. He has people convinced that he wants nothing more but to save our marriage and that if I would just learn to be more affectionate we could work on it, but I don't really see that as being the case.

    Even his mother made a comment to me the other day, after our long heart to heart a few days earlier, that maybe if I could just hold his hand more often and something about it being the job of a wife to make her husband happy.

    I have turned myself inside out to make him happy for 27 years and just because we aren't chemically made up the same way to have the same intimate needs I have been made to feel like there is something wrong with me and I am inadequate. Who would want to be intimate with someone who has made you feel like something is wrong with you for most of your marriage.

    I've decided to tell his mom that it unfair of me to even talk to her because I don't in anyway want her to feel she is betraying her own son, and I don't want her to ever feel like I'm asking her to choose. She is his mother and whether she feels he's right or wrong, in the end she will still be his mother. The only thing I am going to ask of her is to not believe it's that cut and dry. It's not just as easy as I couldn't give him enough attention, he needed to get it somewhere else and now I'm leaving him. There is years of so much more behind it.

    I know when h gets home today he is going to want to talk. I need to set him straight that I have not even had time to think and gather my thoughts, so there is nothing to talk about right now. I need space and time. I will get that tomorrow when he moves out and my dad heads back to Florida.

    By the way, I have had about 3 people who know my h well and have tried to stay neutral and not want to get involved, let me know without actually telling me, that this is not the first time he has been with someone else. His closest friend keeps making comments to me that he could tell me so much more, but feels it would be betraying his best friend. Just the way he's saying it, without actually saying it, I think he's trying to give me warning. There have been 2 other people who have pretty much done the same thing.

    Doesn't surprise me in the least!!!!!
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    The victim game he is playing has gotten really old. He's crying about how you didn't give him enough attention. Well, where was he when you needed him most? With another woman. And he still thinks he gets to call the shots....HE wants to talk, HE wants to do this or that.

    The way he is turning this around on you makes me so mad I could spit.

    Take care of yourself and your needs. His are a distant second right now.

  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    HI! Sorry to hear there wasn't any peace while he was gone. Sounds like he's more interested in "being the wronged party" than actually working on the marriage.

    Get a lawyer.

    He's already listing vacation homes (without your signature or consent)and dividing up property. He's thought this whole thing out while you're mourning the loss of your mother. He's really into "slime" territory. Who's to say that you wanted to sell the place.

    He's taking stock and keeping yourself verrrrrryyy carefully! :thumbsdown:

    This really sounds pre-meditated to me!

    Good luck tonight and getting Dad on the plane tomorrow! God Bless, kiddo!

  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I don't have any words of wisdom but please know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


  5. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    Karen- NO one moves that fast that hasn't thought about what steps to take LONG in advance.
    I'm sorry, but I think he's been "planning" this for a while. Maybe not the actual time frame, but one just doesn't start putting properties up for sale, etc. as part of the "first step". It's almost (to me) like he had played this scene in his mind long before, and now he's just following through on those plans.

    As to whether "you" are at fault - Big Whooping Deal. I was the one that filed, so as far as everyone was concerned, I was at fault. Heck, my ex convinced himself AND the kids I was at fault. As time has gone by, however, the kids have seen through that - in fact, they have asked me in no uncertain terms how I managed to stay married for as long as I did.

    There will be people that see you as the bad guy, no matter WHAT you do. They can get over it, or they can get out of your life. Don't worry about them.

    Make sure YOU have all your ducks in a row. I know you haven't had time to think, but the very first thing you MUST do is see an attorney. Let them do the thinking for you. It wouldn't surprise me to find out you suddenly don't have a house to live in or money to your name.

    Take care of yourself........
  6. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts. It is hard starting over, I have been there done that, I will be thinking of you.
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    The vacation home was his dream, not mine. He snowmobiled for years in VT before I had ever been there. He called me one day to say he found property and asked if I minded him buying it. I told him to go for it. Another thing I did to make him HAPPY!

    The vacation home was 6 hours away and all I have heard for 2 years is how I never want to go there. I never liked the snow much and never snowmobiled before he bought it, but I guess he just felt because he loved it, I was supposed to also. It was a beautiful cabin that we decorated together and I went there when I could. His job conveniently allowed him to go when he wanted to, but I have a real job that I couldn't just drop everything and go everytime he wanted, so he went a lot by himself.

    He brought home the realestate papers today and we signed them together. I know this will kill him to sell it, but I don't have that many great memories about it.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just hugs!
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
    He brought home the realestate papers today and we signed them together. I know this will kill him to sell it, but I don't have that many great memories about it. </div></div>

    Karen: I'm getting really concerned. As it stands right now, he's got you signing papers, agreeing to sell real estate, putting the blame on you for the marriage being in trouble, etc.

    LISTEN: YOU ARE STILL HANDLING THIS AS IF HE'S EMOTIONALLY PARALYZED BY THIS!!! Anyone that can go away for a weekend and come home selling the place already had their mind made up long before they were busted.

    I'm really starting to worry that you're going to be taken advantage of in this whole thing. Whether or not the marriage is over, whether or not you're thinking of working it out, whether or not you "liked" the vacation home as much as he did, whether or not he's being a jerk: you're going to get stiffed in this situation if you don't talk to a lawyer.

    The worst thing that could happen should you speak to an attorney would be your husband FINALLY realize that you're tired of being a doormat!!

    You invested 27 years of smothering your wants, needs, and desires rather than make anyone unhappy - don't walk away short changed.

    Sorry if I'm overstepping - I don't want you to think I don't care! :flower:

  10. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    I'm with skeeter,I get the feeling that he has been waiting for something like this to make his move.
    I hope he isn't that manipulative but he sure must be afraid of you to not be direct or clear.
    Many hugs. None of this is easy. I wouldn't sign a darn thing until I met with an attorney. Once everything is clear then you can sign papers.
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I don't know that I could fairly guess his motives.

    I kind of even feel a little bit sorry for him right now, for every stupid thing he is doing is completely out of fear.

    But my loyalties lie with you, my dear. Please see an attorney. Worse case scenario, you will wind up not having had to see one. Please don't take that chance.

    Prayers and hugs.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    It is very clear to me that he is as manipulative as many hope he isn't. He PLANNED this. Maybe not getting caught, but what to do if he did.

    Tomorrow (MONDAY) you need to go see an attorney. You cannot put this off. Not if you want $$$ to send your daughter to school, to keep your retirement plans and health insurance, and to have any stability at all. I would not at all be surprised if the cabin was where he met up with prior other women. He may not WANT you to go there to see things.

    You owe it to YOUR CHILDREN to get an attorney very very quickly. This man has shown you how manipulative he can be. You need to move as much $$$ out of any joint accounts as you can TOMORROW as soon as the banks open. Even if you have to take a day off work.

    A close friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her husband kept saying he would take care of her no matter what. She is currently living with her 4 children in a friends basement. She was not "permitted" to work while married so had NO resources. OF course, lots of the interference with any job she would get was his erratic work hours. Which actually were 8-5, M-F. The "overtime" was actually his time with his women and at bars. With 4 kids she couldn't earn enough for a babysitter, so she was a stay at home mom.

    I know you work full time, and can probably provide for yourself. But you have savings and things that he could clean out. As manipulative as he is, HE WILL. With no regard to your daughter's college plans, etc...

    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not agree to sell anything else, or sign anything else until you have an attorney. He probably already has one. If possible, ask friends who are divorced who their lawyer was. If they got a raw deal, ask who the spouse's lawyer was. At this point you need a shark.

    Also, get an emergency appointment with your doctor for a full STD screening. You may very well want to add fees for medications and tests to what he owes you in the divorce. But either way, unless you get a full STD screening, including hepatitis and HIV, you run serious risks. Remember, he brought home whatever his partner and ALL their partners had. This is what we always tell our kids, and these diseases don't limit themselves to any age group.


  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How do we know he is not selling this particular property because it was something he wanted to share with her and since she is not interested he is giving it up? Maybe as a sign of peace.

    Not saying that is what I think, but it is a possibility.

    What everyone is trying to say is: you know your husband best, but do not figure on knowing everything he is thinking or doing right now. He could be in a swirling mess of thoughts as you have felt. Be safest and do consult an attorney. You really do need to protect yourself. No matter what happens in 6 months.

    Many, many people think 'not my husband/wife' - 'they would never do that to me'. And they regret those thoughts later. Your husband may be a great person that is trying to protect himself. Afterall his new friends have put it in his head that he needs to - just as your friends here are telling you. With good intentions.
    Just do not find yourself doing this.
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    as my lawyer once told me, go ahead with the divorce. if you want to date this guy down the road you can, but you wont be financially tied to him anymore.

    I am so angry that he blames you for the lack of affection. it is his job to bring that out of you by loving you and nurturing you so much. things will come to light more and more as this unfolds.
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Just a quick reply, as I'm swamped at work and have to leave early to bring my dad to the airport.

    My eyes are opening wider and wider. Don't worry about me. My dad is leaving today, he will be moved out by the time I get home late this afternoon. That is when I will be able to put on my thinking cap and really start concentrating on me. I will get an attorney and make sure that I get everything I deserve out of this.

    He made a comment last night about this being the last night in the house, with the little puppy dog eyes, and I said, what time are you planning on being out of here tomorrow?? Then I went to bed. I got up this morning and left for work early because I wasn't going to be around for him to play any games with me.

    Got to run. Like I said, don't worry about me. I have to many people here doing that for me already, so they won't allow me to allow myself to get burned.

    I'll write more tonight when I'm ALONE :smile:
  16. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I'm glad you're getting an attorney!!! I'm also glad that you're finally going to get some time to yourself!!!

    You're a very strong person. in my humble opinion, you were smart to leave for work early and have as little contact with him as possible.

    I'll be looking for your update later. WFEN
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    :bravo: :bravo:

    To tonight's alone time! :smile:
  18. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! I thought you were nice! Sure...rub it in...ALONE...what's that? :smile:

    Enjoy the Peace!

  19. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Well, it's 5:00 and I just got home about 20 minutes ago. I completeley fell apart. The room my dad was in is empty, h's things are mostly gone and my moms picture is on the fireplace. It's all hitting me at one time. All of the things I have not been able to deal with for pretty much the past 5 weeks, from the time I was in MD and figured out hubby was cheating, seeing my mom suffer, my moms death and finding out that yes, hubby was definatley cheating are all hitting me at once. I am alone and I know I need to do this.

    I'm kind of scared that it's hitting me all at once, but I know I have to do this.
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911


    1.) You are at this point and from here on out going to need to stop letting emotions get in the way.

    2.) I hope for your sake you have an attorney and have let him know that DF is selling off property. If you have this I don't care attitude about this...then think like this...he's using the money from the sale of the cabin to buy his girlfriend a ring. THAT should change your perspective.

    3.) He's full of crap, and like I told you has run this situation by several people for HIS financial standpoint, and benefit. Don't get soft about it. You're going to end up with nothing after 27 years, then sit around and complain when SHE (whomever SHE is) has it all, while you struggle. Don't be naive.

    4.) He's (in my humble opinion) played you and on your emotions or lack thereof for 27 years. And here he goes again. A few well placed words to the right people that he KNOWS will come back to you and think he's being nice and kind.

    5.) He's not the enemy, had better open up your eyes and I say this from one woman to another who's seen it. He's got a plan....and believes you are clueless. I suggest you contact a local womens shelter and dial the 1-800 # and start asking some questions. He's going to sue you - for divorce stating you forced him into the arms of another.

    Make sure he isn't reading this post either. If he knows about it,....he's tried to get here. It's where a lot of us bare our souls.