I Am Learning

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son called yesterday to ask me for an address. I told him he could look it up on his phone. He ended the call abruptly. In the past I would have jumped through hoops to get the # and offer to drive him as well as taking him out for food + given him money.

    I know he is alive and I know that he is still on drugs. There have been sightings. I have asked these "concerned" individuals to stop reporting to me. I have gotten the outraged looks. I respond by saying that they are welcome to help him in any manner they see fit. They generally mumble something under their breath and shuffle off.
     
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  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Shame on them - and good for you for standing up for yourself, Pasa.

    That mock outrage really gets to me some days too. They don't have a single solitary clue.
     
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  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    People do not understand if they haven't lived it.

    There is nothing you can do to help an adult who doesn't want help and nothing you would not do for a son who does want it. :hugs:
     
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you have never gone through addiction, you don't get it. Ignorance is bliss but it hurts us sometimes. Well, you said the right thing. Good for you!
     
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  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I know how hard it is to see the manipulation as it's happening. To really get it, what they are doing and why, and to say "No." It's heartbreaking and awful and it feels ugly and wrong to know the things we know.

    Very hard for you, pasa.

    So hard, not to help them.

    Even when we know why we are responding as we are. A lonesome feeling.

    Then there is nothing else you could, in good conscience, have done.

    I am sorry for the hurt of it, pasa. I've had that experience too, of people thinking less of me because I am not doing what they believe they would do. It helped me to be grateful for their sakes that they do not know what I know.

    Cedar
     
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  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Pasa-such a good response. Our son used to call saying "whatcha doing?" translated "come pick me up, bring me food or cigarettes" or that's my opener to judge if your in a good enough mood to hit up for $. It all sounded innocent to me until we finally realized he never cared what was going on with us, he simply was trying to get something again. Over and over. Exhausting in every respect isn't it?
    Ah yes, the sightings. Also a great response. Take care of you, you're my hero today...:staystrong: Prayers.
     
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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Great response! You're doing a wonderful job. Celebrate by doing something KIND for yourself.
     
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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    As best I can tell, people who aren't "us" come in two categories: ones who think we're not trying hard enough to fix and help our children and that we must continue to support them until the day we die because simply because they're our children, and ones who think we need to kick them out and cut off all contact because that's what tough love is.

    Neither of those types have any business in our business.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 16, 2016
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It is the same for me Pasa. I am sorry this is so for those of us living with this bizarre circumstance. I don't think that folks who have not walked the path have any clue of what it is like.
    What they do not realize is that most of us have done everything under the sun and more to search our very souls for a remedy. We have journeyed to the pit of despair, and still visit there every once and awhile.
    The reality of it all is that unless our d cs want change and seek help, this is the life of their choosing.
    I am humbled by your courage, Pasa. You are a brave warrior Mom. I know the pain of it, swallow it everyday and stuff it down with fervent prayers that my two will see the light. It is a fight every day, one step at a time to boldly go on with our own lives.
    If only those "outraged looks" understood the outrage we suffer that our children have made choices that wound up with them living on the streets, in the park.
    But, they don't understand, and that is okay. They have no idea that an addicted adult child in their home would lie, steal, manipulate, use and abuse their love for them.
    Sometimes I open up and explain myself and this predicament. It may seem a "betrayal" to my daughter that I would be frank and forthright about her situation. Why should I be secretive and silent? "My daughter is on meth and chooses to live this way. There is no way I will have her in my home."
    Boom. There it is. Truth.
    I don't share this with just anybody, it is not their business. But, I do feel it is a story that validates the danger of this drug. I do feel at times that sharing it may help the next parent who may have to walk this path.
    "They" don't know.
    "They" don't know the bitter pill of the reality of this we swallow every day.
    "They" don't know the struggle we faced and face
    How we judged ourselves
    Rolled the tapes of our parenting
    Over and again
    The grief we feel
    For a child who is living this way.
    "They" don't know
    How we took our child in and tried in vain
    Bargained our existence
    To try to stop the madness of
    This child hell bent on destroying
    Their own lives and all who
    Love them for a high.
    "They" don't know.

    "They" don't know how hard it is to say yes
    And how hard it is to say no.

    Well, we know.
    Pasa, you are kind and loving and brave. You are a good Mom. May God comfort and strengthen you as you walk this path. "They" don't know, but I do, and I am here in spirit walking a similar path, holding your hand.
    From my heart to yours dear, stay strong and be very kind and gentle to yourself.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am not sure that what I am doing is helping him or not. This is about me. It is about choosing to not put up with verbal abuse and violence even when it is toward inanimate objects. He has had some amazing people and programs that have attempted to come alongside him and give him opportunities to make positive changes. He has rejected every last one of them.
     
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I feel you here.
    Do I go to the park/street and search for my daughter? Do I plead with her once again to get help, tell her I love her, she deserves better?
    Does she not know that there is help out there for her to grab hold of?
    Am I heartless and calloused to turn my focus off of the choices she is making (which I sometimes struggle with) to try and live the rest of my life as best I can?
    There are no easy answers here.
    Cliche, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink......"
    All I know is that this day, I am where you are at. This is about me. How do I move forward?
    Seems my daughter has thrown all away to live for her next high.
    Do I lay my life down to try to get her to see that she deserves much more?
    I don't think so.
    It is what it is.
    We matter, Pasa, and thank you so very much for reminding me of this.
    They matter, too, but have chosen this.
    It is not what I had envisioned, but Rain is choosing this.
    Sad as it is.........

    It is what it is.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  12. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    It's good that you're learning not to engage. When i was still using, I would come up with any number of emergencies to draw people back in. I didn't do it with the intention of hurting anybody, but it is difficult to handle the innate loneliness that comes with active addiction. Most people don't (and shouldn't) want to keep too close to addicts, and they realize that they aren't helping, and are probably hindering. My aunt was never mean or cruel to me about it, but I didn't like not being the center of her attention. If I couldn't have positive attention, I would settle for negative. Which meant creating crises and emergencies in such a way she would feel obligated to engage me again, either to rescue me, or even berate me for my shitty choices.

    It is kinda like that ex you had who couldn't handle a clean break, and spent their lives trying to get a rise out of you. By throwing pity parties, creating emergencies, and trying to make you jealous by being with somebody else in front of you. It is a lot like that.

    You have nothing to be sorry or embarrassed for. Those people who think less of you for your responses and reactions have no understanding of the nature of addiction, and codependent, unhealthy relationships. How could they? It is one of those things that must be experienced to truly appreciate. You are doing the right thing. Engaging him, and supporting him in any way might make you feel a little better about yourself, but it is ultimately a hindrance to recovery. It will only slow the crucial process of hitting rock bottom. It is bad for the addict, and for the parent/significant other. They may not be able to understand the way you are handling this, but you do. As do we. And anybody who does understand it would tell you that you're doing the best thing for your son, and for yourself.
     
  13. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    I think it starts out with us trying to point them in the right direction, helping in areas we feel are beneficial at the time, that hopefully will correct their course. But then, when they refuse the information. people or places that will help them, they become verbally, emotionally and/or physically abusive, it then becomes self-preservation for us. They drive us almost into the ground, back us in a corner, it's fight or flight to survive mentally, emotionally and physically. Our health, our families, marriages, jobs all become at risk, because of their decisions. We hop on a nice train ride then they force us to jump off that train at 100 mph because we know the train is going to crash. At least that has been my experience with my Difficult Child,
     
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  14. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Stay strong, Pas, you are the best!
     
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Darkwing, you will never know how much your posts mean to folks like me who travel this most difficult path.
    Thank you so much for sharing this.
    You are a bright star on a dark night.
    :starplucker:
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  16. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    You are welcome. You guys didn't ask to be put into the positions you are in. You are merely dealing with a situation they created in the most helpful way possible. It may seem cruel and detached to those on the outside, but we all know better. As does your son. I am sure he LOVES hearing people tell him that it is your fault, or that you aren't doing enough for him. But even he knows, deep down, that's not accurate.
     
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  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I hope so. Every person on this board has given their all and then some to provide all of our kids the opportunity to grow and become decent people. Those of us who have more than one child usually have at least one who "gets" it. It would seem that the one who did not "get" it, keeps us from fully enjoying the other kids accomplishments. This is so unfair to them and to us.
     
  18. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    Fair is about as far away from addiction you can get. It is an incredibly destructive issue for the addict, and anybody around him.
     
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    So well said. I can so relate to every word here. It took me FOREVER (as I am a very slow learner) but finally I got it. Phone call from Difficult Child (for years!) = Give me some money. Period.

    As my daddy used to say, "I'm no patsy." Finally, I stopped being one.
     
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  20. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    That is a good step! (you can look it up). Sometimes I just say.."oh! I don't know!" and wait. Iti s rare that my kids ask me to look it up. If they do, then I say, "oh, I can't. I'm sorry" and let them figure out that they too can look it up.
     
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