I CAN'T TAKE IT! CAN'T TAKE difficult child RELATIONSHIPS!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Aug 22, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Ok, so this is happening RIGHT now so forgive me.

    My daughter always picks loser boyfriends. Here's the problem, after the honeymoon stage is over and she slowly finds out who they really are, the next six months are full of literal crying like a god **** baby! She cries, and cries and cries every other day! NOTHING BUT MISERY FOR HER AND FOR ME!!!! I have to hear her on the phone with him crying "please don't leave me, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME" crying like someone DIED! WHEN SHE CRIES, SHE CRIES LIKE SOMEONE JUST DIED!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT I AM ABOUT TO LOSE IT YOU ALL!!!!!!

    How do I deal with this??? THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!!!! Please, what is your input on this. Does anyone here know of any other teen that cries this excessively over a guy???? When I say every other day, I literally mean every other day!!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I AM SO CONFUSED!!!

    THE BEGGING IS WHAT REEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAALLLLLYY GETS TO ME!
     
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I don't get it either. It very likely has something to do with a self esteem issue. How old is she? Does she have good female friends? Does she go to school or work? Does she have any hobbies? It's so sad. What about doing something that might boost her self esteem? Maybe not right this second, but as soon as she makes at least a little headway with reference to clearer thinking and less emotion. I'm not sure why, but my attitude was that if a guy didn't want me....that was just tooooo bad. His loss. LOL! BUT, I was very active and somewhat popular in high school. In college, I was super busy studying and also had a few activities to participate in that I enjoyed very much. She might need therapy as well. At least she would be able to have someone to speak with weekly who might be able to work with her to help her make better choices in boyfriends and help her stay strong during break ups. Perhaps a Mental Health Counselor. I'm at a loss as to what to say to her right at the moment. It's very hard when they are irrational. But, I would let her know that even though she is very upset, she doesn't have the right to scream, curse or cause upset in the family. She needs to exhibit some self control.
     
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you Nomad. It just kills me, hurts me and angers me to the very core. I can understand crying one , two or three times. But this deep, deep crying every other day like someone died is making me insane. Literally. I see red when she does this. How would she cry if someone died that she loved if she cries like this every other day just over a heart break?
     
  4. APK

    APK New Member

    It is possible that the breakup has triggered a deeper wound that she is grieving; that is her grief isn't only about the present breakup but some other loss or unfulfilled need.

    It might be helpful for you to try not to take her behavior personally. Consider offering her any help you can think of - counseling, a book on grief, etc.; and beyond that arrange to leave the room or out of earshot during the crying spells, or kindly ask her to find a quiet place to grieve.
     
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Your right, it is triggering a deeper wound. I know it is and I feel terrible. The thing is I can't get away from it when it happens because it happens to often which means she and I are way in over our heads.
     
  6. D Needza Break

    D Needza Break New Member

    Mine did the same thing. Every time a relationship ended. For months. Crying. Daily. Sobbing like someone died & still trying to make contact. I think when things go wrong in that area they feel like the world is ending. At first I always feel bad and then it becomes so repetitive and life sucking that I can't listen anymore. I wish I had advice but I couldn't take it after a while either. Went through it 3 times with her. The pain literally lasted for years each time. She doesn't live here anymore, but I do so very much understand and sympathize. Sending hugs and understanding.....
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think many of our difficult children have personality disorders. Check out borderline personality disorders. These are mostly women who can't control their emotions and can't stand being alone, yet often do things to push people away.

    from psychiatric Central forum:
    A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

    • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
    • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
    • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
    • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
    • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
    • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
    • Chronic feelings of emptiness
    • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
    • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
    As with all personality disorders, the person must be at least 18 years old before they can be diagnosed with it.

    **** Here is the link to the entire article on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

    http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/

    Borderline personality disorder is more prevalent in females (75 percent of diagnoses made are in females). It is thought that borderline personality disorder affects approximately 2 percent of the general population.
     
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  8. D Needza Break

    D Needza Break New Member

    Wow. That's my difficult child to a T.
     
  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    And here we go again! She woke up, saw a tweet, and is crying and sobbing again! What a life!
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Guide Me, I would ignore her, even if you have to leave the house. Her reactions to relationship breakups are overthetop and she needs help, but you can't provide it for her or make her go. Until she gets emotionally healthy and emotionally mature she will continue to make relationship mistakes...too many, too fast, too much drama, bad guys, hysteria when it's over, etc. It however is not YOUR problem. If she begs, she begs. It isn't within your control to stop her from doing it. You have no control over what she does.

    Your daughter does sound a lot like a borderline personality disordered person, which many of our difficult child girls have, but, hey, I'm not a doctor and don't play one on here. Still, this could be why she is such an emotional wreck. Has she seen a psychiatric lately and told him/her the truth about how needy she is and how her emotions are so uncontrollable? Borderline is, in the future, going to be called (I've heard) Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, because it fits it better. Read up on it and see if it fits. If it does, you'll understand your daughter more, even if YOU can't fix her.by the way, it can look like bipolar. It isn't. Bipolars are not as emotionally unstable as borderlines and not as needy and can be controlled with medications. They often, however, co-exist. Again, just throwing this out there. Flush it, if you feel the nee3d or desire :)

    There is help for borderline if she has it, but it requires intensive therapy, hard work, and many years of wanting and trying to change so that you gain control of your own emotions and learn coping skills. It's called dialectal behavioral therapy. You may want to read up on it.

    Take care of yourself. You sound like you are in a fragile state yourself. Her angst isn't the end of the world, it's not the first time it's happened (and she survived) and until she makes many changes it won't be her last time. But it CAN be YOUR last time. You can decide to disengage emotionally from this drama and go on to the other things in your life and the other people in your life. You can also set a boundary, if you like. You can tell her that if she wants to scream and bawl over losing a man, she is free to do that, but not around you. It would be different if she were fifteen and this was her first love.

    You need help and you can't deal with your grown child acting this way. If you don't want to tell her to leave, at least for a few days, then you need to learn to detach and, if you feel like you can't handle things anymore, please go to the emergency room. Don't play games with your life. Your life matters as much as hers.

    There is no reason she should make you listen to the consequences of her impulsive and immature behavior. Have you read the article on detachment yet? It's really good! Promise!
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2014
  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you so much MWM. I saw your reply from earlier as well and didn't have the energy to reply to it at the time, but it was coming. I think you are right , many of those characteristic's, my daughter has. I love all your words and will be following up today on all the information you just gave me. I feel so bad if my daughter has this, which probably she has.
     
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank god she has calmed down now and it breaks my heart to see her like that, it's just when it's happening, it makes me want to pull my hair out.
     
  13. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    However, I know it's going to be difficult again and I know she needs a lot of help still. I am just thankful for the peace and quiet right now.
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GuideMe, she will have to decide to get help. You can't fix her.

    I hope you have some peace today.
     
  15. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    You are right. As much as I love my daughter, it feels like an abusive relationship that I will never get out of. I really hope I get some favor from God and have this nightmare finally pass us by.
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GuideMe, God isn't going to heal your daughter. He has given her resources to get help and it is up to her to take the offered therapy and it is hard work. It is 100% up to your daughter. It won't just go away.

    God is also maybe nudging you to disengage and become less involved in your daughter's drama, which is of her own making and which she can learn how to stop if she wants. Maybe He wants you to live your own life and let your daughter learn from her own mistakes. You can give her resources that may help her get help, such as finding her a Dialectal Behavioral Therapist, is one is nearby, but you can't make her go.

    There is no reason for you to live your life through your daughter's emotions. Yes, we cry for them when they are eight and Jenny teased them at school and we have to help them cope with that and usually they will let us help them. But at your daughter's age, they are on their own. We can't fix it. And they usually don't listen.

    Every person on earth deserves a marvelous Golden Years and I notice you are still very young. I'd hate to see you get into the habit of supporting this adult the rest of your life. I hope you do read the recommended book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and learn that you are a seperate person from your daughter and do not have to live through her...you have no reason to feel badly for her, although I understand this. However, she is making her own bed(s). She can get therapy to learn not to jump from guy to guy and to have self-respect and not beg, but ONLY SHE CAN DO IT. When you feel overwhelmed, walk away, walk away, walk away. Even leave the house for a jog or a walk or a trip to the library...she needs to take this adult walk herself. You need to enjoy the rest of your life. This is not your fault. Live by the Serenity Prayer:

    "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the thinks I can not change" (you can not change your daughter)
    "the COURAGE to accept the things I can" (you can change your own reactions to her and live a good life)
    "and the WISDOM to know the difference" (you know what you can control and what you can't.

    Around your age I had a necklace with the Serenity Prayer that I wore all the time. I was just learning about detachment around forty and I had to wear the necklace as a constant reminder. I lost it and I wish I still had it. But I do keep that prayer on my refrigerator as a magnet and recite that prayer in the morning and at night. For so ffew words, it says a mountain of wise advice.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2014
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