"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by feelinghelplesss, Jul 20, 2011.

  1. feelinghelplesss

    feelinghelplesss New Member

    I will make a long story short. My son is 19 and ready to start his freshman year of college. I truly believe I did everything I could do as a parent--all the drug, sex, alcohol talks. Always home for him, making sure he got his homework done, loved him, nurtured him, etc....All was well in high school. And then...

    First year of college, 3 arrests (1 for pot possession, 1 for trespassing, 1 for possible DUI-still awaiting drug tests). Got a "D" for unintentional plagiarism. Kicked out of dorms with 2 weeks left of school. Then he's home for the summer...Found pot and paraphernalia in his room at my house. Took him to counselor...agreed no more pot in MY house, car, etc. This past weekend the family goes on a 3 day trip (along with our son). While 4 hours from our home, find out that our son allowed his friends to use our house for the weekend! He presumably went and unlocked a door after I had made sure all was locked up tight. One kid was seen driving my husband's car!! There were kids and cars here Saturday afternoon, through the night and all day Sunday. I called the cops and they went to my house and found a few kids there. I can't press charges because my idiot son gave them permission! Unbelievable.

    Then to top it off, the next day I found a "water bong" in my son's wastebasket in his room at the house we were renting. It was a plastic water bottle with holes cut in the bottom...smelled like pot. So we go on a 3 day vacation and he can't go without pot. Actually brings some with him and smokes alone on our trip.

    Our agreement was if I found evidence in my home again, I would have him evaluated. (I consider the vacation home I rented an extension of my home.) Now I'm second guessing myself. If he doesn't care about himself, why should I? If he doesn't respect me or my wishes, or my home that I let him live in...why should I even try to help. I'd have to pay a counselor and someone to evaluate him. He'll lie to them again. He'll lie to me again. So why not just say forget it! I'm done raising you...take care of yourself, or don't, it's up to you.

    He has no job because he failed the drug test. He has no money, except the money his grandfather so generously saved for him for college. If he can't respect and honor his grandfather, why should I try to "help" him? He won't see it as help anyway, just me being a pain in the a** who doesn't know anything. He's scheduled to go back to college early August (about 4 hours away). I just want to say go and don't come back. No weekend visits. (Which he likes to do.) And if you don't straighten up, you can't live here next summer.

    Would adopting an attitude like this backfire on me?
     
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I don't think it is too tough to say he can't come home and visit and be in your home if he can't follow your rules and respect your home and your property!!! The letting friends use your house for a party was way way over the line in my opinion. I really don't think you need a drug evaluation, I think it is pretty clear your son has a drug problem. You may not know to what extent but the fact that he needed to bring pot with him on a family vacation and smoke alone speaks volumes about his drug use and his drug problem.That said I think before you tell him anything you need to give yourself a couple of days to cool off so that you can approach this not out of anger and outrage but calmly and simply.... you can't be here if you are bringing drugs into my home and if you bring friends etc. here when we are not home. Calm and simple.Fact is you do care, that is obvious. So saying if you don't care then I won't either won't go over well.. he will know you don't really mean it that you do care. Then the manipulation will start. Find an alanon meeting, one for parents if you can. That will help. Then start thinking about boundaries... what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. What you are willing to pay for and what you are not. You have the right to make the rules in your own home yet he is an adult now (at least legally) and so has the right to make major decisions about his life.And yeah he needs to decide and face his drug issues.... you can't make him do it and you can't do it for him.Hugs.... this is one of the hardest things to face as a parent, and we on this board all know his drug use is not due to your parenting. I have been there, am still there. My son is also 19, is out of the house, and is trying to find his way and I am learning to let go a lot... and my son definitely has a drug problem although due to court and drug testing i don't think he is using as much as he had in the past but I don't really know for sure.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hmm.

    I'm not sure what the evaluation would be for? You don't have to necessarily have a mental issue to do drugs. Or was this a concern before the drugs?

    An evaluation isn't going to stop him from using.

    You care, and he knows you care. But you made the rules, if you don't follow through your credibility with him drops to zero. I would simply state, you broke x y z rules, so now a b c is going to happen or you leave and make your own way.

    Although after the partying bringing friends in when I wasn't there, I'd skip the evaluation and give him a move out date. But I'm mean, my kids would tell you that. Today, they thank me for being so mean. Took some growing up for them to get to that point, though.

    An al anon meeting would be a good idea. They can help tons with the drug issues and behaviors.

    Hugs
     
  4. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    He's already broken your household rules, and partying with his friends in your home was wildly over the top. Giving him yet another "move out" date after having made the rules clear and then seeing them broken would be a) redundant and b) therefore taken as a sign of weak resolve. Put him out. He'll be SHOCKED and RAGE and HATE YOU and all of that, but whatever. He needs a clear and emphatic message: Out! Now! Ignore the rage, hatred, etc. It's all BS and beside the point. Believe it or not, he NEEDS this and actually, deep down, knows he deserves it. It'll just take him a good long while to finally admit it to you--but don't deprive him of the lesson he needs and the opportunity to thank you later.
     
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'd bounce his happy butt right out of there. Letting his friends use the house and drive the car when the family was away...oh, no...that would be the last straw for me.

    I would also keep tight control over the money his grandfather left him for school, and make sure it only goes for school expenses. While that can often be a pain (my daughter has an educational trust her grandfather set up for her), it is a huge help to me and my husband to not have to come up with huge amounts for tuition and books.
     
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Yeah, I would have been livid. I think even livid is an understatement and he would be out. He has zero respect for you and no motivation to change.
     
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Another vote for this being the right stance to take.

    If you stand firm with him, he will learn to take you seriously. If you cave in, he will learn that he can do whatever he wants without true consequences. If you're the one doing all the hard work, and he's not willing to accept it or change his behaviour, then I agree that you need to stop being the one to do the work.

    And if any of my children dared to let disreputable friends into my house without permission while I was away, he would be out on his ear so fast.
     
  8. seriously

    seriously New Member

    Out tonight.



    They could have burned down your house.

    You could have come home to someone OD'd in your bed.

    They could have run someone down with your car.

    You don't know that someone didn't get a key made and will be able to let themselves in to your house any time they want. Change all the locks tomorrow and make son pay the bill.

    Same with the car, unfortunately. That's all you need - to come out one morning and find someone has taken it for a joy ride courtesy of the keys they had access to when you were gone.

    Unless your financial records were under lock and key I would assume that someone has looked at your tax returns, your credit card statements - everything. You need to take immediate action to deal with the very real possibility of identity theft.

    Any valuables should be checked to see if they are still there. If you have any weapons or ammo on the premises that aren't locked up - check them.


    He's addicted if he can't even manage a 3 day trip without getting high.

    Until he's ready to admit that and seek treatment no $$, no material support like a place to live, no new clothes - nothing.

    I would make it clear that (if you have any ability to do this) the college fund is now closed until he has had 3 random drug tests in a row that are clean followed by at least monthly random drug tests and he is actively participating in a drug treatment program.

    I would give him a list of the Naranon meetings in your town and tell him you will help him get drug treatment - if you are willing to do this.

    He's legally an adult. He needs to get that right now.
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im another one who would put his happy butt out the door the next minute I saw him after him allowing a party in your house while you were away. No friggen way. Even mine wouldnt attempt that one. Let someone else drive my car? Oh heck no! He would be lucky if he lived to be tossed out.

    You may not be able to have those kids arrested for being in the house but you can for driving your car. Your son doesnt own the car and that was unauthorized use of a motor vehicle.

    I hope the college money is not his free and clear but has some teeth behind it. Such as can only be used for educational purposes until age 35 or something.
     
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    If what you want is a different result for you, then it may backfire. But, the result should be something different for you. It should be something different for him. So, I think that this is a good attitude, so long as you are prepared to carry through with not rescuing him, and letting him reap the natural consequences of his actions. It sounds as though he has been trading on your good name for years. It's time for him to make his own good name through good choices. Or not. But either way it doesn't reflect upon your choices, it reflects upon his choices.
     
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I knew your post sounded familiar. I went back and read your other posts.

    You have given your son too many chances. I have no clue why this counselor is saying that him going to one meeting is good enough to solve this. It isnt. This whole thing about he wont use drugs in YOUR house is bull hockey. Thats fine if he wants to go live in his own home. He can do what he wants when he has his own living arrangements and provides his own support. Unless you agree with it. Now if it doesnt bother you, then that is fine. Just dont make it a big deal if it isnt. You have to decide where you stand.

    My son smokes pot. I know it. He doesnt live here though. And during the times he has lived here the rules in my house are that pot isnt allowed on my property. I dont care what he does away from my home. He is a big boy. His choices. My son is older than yours though. He also would never have allowed people to come party in my house or drive my car. Never.
     
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well since no one mentioned it -----

    Depending on where you live and what officer of the law pulled you over and CHOSE to search your car - under reasonable suspicion - and that could have been -------(and I know what I'm talking about)

    a.) Saw your son smoking something at the beach and didn't 'catch' him but watched him go back to your room, followed him to your car and MAY have thought he was dealing. Pulls you over.
    b.) Passed him in a convenience store while you pulled over to get a drink and saw bloodshot eyes, smelled residue and followed him to YOUR car, pulls your car over and asks YOU as the owner to search.
    (I mean you could say NO, which at that point - your car is impounded, then taken back to the police impound and searched, you are all handcuffed, and searched and arrested)
    c.) You get arrested for your son being in possession of drugs and drug paraphanelia. Sounds pretty far fetched, but it COULD have happened. Not saying an officer wouldn't have known you were innocent, but l like I said depends on the day, the officer, the weather.
    d.) If the officer wanted to be a REAL jerk - your car could have been impounded.

    Someone here DID say that the kids could have burned down your house, stolen things, left the doors open and someone ELSE could have stolen things and burned down your house, or just vandalized it, broken things. Boneheaded move at best. House wasn't HIS to loan out. Not to mention I'm so paranoid about things - How do you know there aren't NOW cameras set up in your home watching everything you do? Nanny cams are the size of pencil erasers these days. (see I told you I was paranoid, but this never crosses ANYONE's mind until their naked butts are all over You Tube)

    So if ANY of THOSE things happened or were to happen - ASK YOURSELF - not us.....

    GOSH SHOULD I ALLOW THAT KID BACK IN MY HOUSE???? AND SHOULD I CONTINUE TO SUPPORT HIM???? AND IF NOT A GOOD FRIEND OF HIS, BUT HIS OWN MOTHER HAD DONE SOMETHING SIMILAR AND BETRAYED HIS TRUST? How many MONTHS or YEARS would it take him to trust YOUR WORD again?

    Trust takes YEARS of doing the right thing to rebuild......as for me and MY House? He'd better get cracking......down the straight and narrow.
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star...I know a lady whose car was impounded (or actually taken whatever that word would be) by the county because the child was using it pretty much exclusively for partying and drug activity. The car was in her name but he drove it to school-college- and was doing some petty dealing. Cops in NMB busted him for use and dealing small amount of pot out of the car and they took it. She never did get it back as far as I know. Now I do think this was a pretty new vehicle. I dont think they want POS cars. It also wasnt her only car. I have a feeling they take things into consideration.

    Now about the arresting...in some states, if anyone has pot or any other drugs on them, it is considered that EVERYONE is guilty so you better be careful who you ride with. I saw that on some cop show. Scared the living koi out of me....lol. Like what if you didnt even consider someone might have something on them!

    Cameras...never considered that! Youtube...ick! Wouldnt want my butt up there.
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Now the rule in MOST states is that if someone in your car has drugs then you ALL get charged. If your son sells any small amt to anyone (and if you are using you are dealing at least on the "I will pick it up and you can pay me back" scale - and that DOES count!) and the drugs are in your home or car - you can have BOTH seized and they will be forfeit. this means they will be seized as places used in furtherance of drug sales and the govt will NOT give them back to you. Usually you have to be doing a lot to get this to happen because it is a ton of paperwork for the cops, but if they are upset iwth your son it could happen.

    WHY would you allow him to continue to treat you like something that came out of a dog's hind end? That is what he is doing to you. What would happen if you did ANY little bit of this kind of stuff to him??? How long would it be before you heard the end of it? Yup. You would likely DIE of old age before he stopped throwing it up at you whenever he didn't get his way.

    Kick this loser of a kid out. Sorry, but that is what he is. I bet that at least 90% of the kids at your house that weekend would NEVER have done that to their own parents. The boy is lost to you. He is NOT your son anymore. He is a junkie living in your son's body. the ONLY chance to get your son back, EVER, will be to cut him off totally from everything and let him hit bottom. It won't be soon. It will take time and he will sink lower than you ever dreamed your child could.

    This is NOT NOT NOT JUST POT!!! He admits to pot because it seems "minimal" compared to other things. But ONE seed or crumbled up almsot invisible bit of pot in your car and YOU are charged with possession and they could take your car for good. if they don't seize it? they will impound it and you will pay hundreds to get it out of impound.

    Kick him OUT. End the $$ from the educational fund. Give him a list of shelters if he asks where he is to go. He will couch surf for months most likely. If/when he calls and begs for money or food or whatever, give food if you need to, but remember that every penny you spend on food is another penny he can spend on drugs.

    Take his car away if it is in your name. If it is on your insurance, take it off. Many states won't let you if he is living iwth you - so get him OUT of that house tonight.

    Get to naranon and alanon meetings. He has NO respect for you - stop treating him with respect and caring. Get him out and grieve over that. Keeping him at home will just keep him using longer. And it gives him a chance to die of an overdose in your home. NO mother needs that - or to know that if she had just kicked him out maybe he wouldn't have had enough money to afford that last high that finally ended his life.
     
  15. feelinghelplesss

    feelinghelplesss New Member

    So if you kick your child out...then what? How do you know when/if they turn things around? There's no trust so how can you believe them if they say they're clean or they quit using?


    Is it possible that's I'm catching my son in the early stages of abuse/addictions and I can head it off at the pass? Or is it hopeless? From all the stories I've read about kicking a kid out...things seem to get worse and I never hear of the kid getting a sobering up, getting a job, and supporting themselves because they were kicked out by their parents. Do all of these stories include years, if not decades of tragic moments and then after all the heartache, maybe, if you're really lucky, a few "happy endings?"

    Are there any happy endings on this board? Does anyone have any good news? I guess all I'm feeling from everyone here is hopelessness. It's not very encouraging. AND I'M NOT being naive...I just want to look at this from EVERY angle.
     
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well - I'm not sure what you are refering to as a happy ending.

    I'll try to put it in a Father/Son light. Maybe this will help you -maybe not.

    My x husband was "helped" by his Mother ALL.HIS. Drug doing life. Just before I met him in his Mid 30's he was smoking pot and drinking, and had dabbled in cocaine. (according to him and her). What he neglected to tell her is that he had tried crack. Well let's define tried. He was 'in control' of smoking crack. (his version). He was 'in control' of snorting cocaine. He was 'in control' of drinking. Now when I tell you that she helped him? I thought she was really a good Mother. When he messed up his jobs from not going to them because he was out too many days from drinking and smoking? She would write checks or give him money to cover his rent -er OUR rent. Usually he would get a job sooner or later because I worked three jobs to keep up with the bills. Even when I was pregnant I worked three jobs. We moved 44 times in 11 years. Mostly unbeknown to me - because we skipped out on paying the rent. We also borrowed money from my parents that never got paid back - but always with promises of "the next job, the next job, the next job." That went over with my parents TWICE. Then that was the end of that gravy train. The month after we got married? He started beating on me, isolated me from my family and his Mother put me down worse than he did. I married him I should be woman enough to handle the mess. Of course there were REHABS, after REHABS to HELP him. Hospitals, suicide attempts. OMG I think in our 13 year marriage there were a total of 22. And every time? Mommy was there to BAIL him out, help him...and got her ENTIRE family to feel sorry for him, put up money to HELP him. BAILED him out every time - from jail....get the best attorneys and I'm not talking small time crimes - the mans rap sheet spreads numerous states, and serious crimes. He's NEVER done real time. Slick willy cries "drug abuse" and gets REHAB - then gets a GRAND attorney because of Mommy and her connections. So yeah - I'd say she really helped him. The day she died - (from her other children running her over with her OWN Mini van - and by the way None of THEM went to jail either) my X was in jail and his uncle had to bail in out. Yup -MORE HELP and connections - and he ran to the drug houses and went to his OWN Mothers funeral HIGH as a kite.....why? He couldn't "Deal" with her Death - sober. WOW! How sad is that? I dunno....I think it's selfish. And what a slap in the face - at her bequest - in lieu of flowers she asked in her will that all donations go to a certain REHAB in my X's name. Still in her death - she was trying to HELP him. Unreal. He's now - 56, unemployed, a psychopath/sociopath self-medicating Bi-polar that refuses treatment but has had YEARS of rehab, can't hold a job, is dangerous, a sex addict, womanizer, beats people if they don't do what he wants them to do, owns NOTHING....and I mean nothing. The clothes in his jail duffle bag I guess....has no money, no savings, can't balance a check book - and now? Thanks to his MOthers help? His brothers and sisters are SO sick of him and his behaviors They want ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with him. Even his own FATHER disowned him 25 years ago. The man is a nuissance - yet - we still say prayers for him (me and my son) that he finds God - because I just don't think anything else in this world will save him - and I'm not sure that it isn't too late for that. Maybe some crossroads dealings. No one in the world is as lucky as he is - to get away with all he has and never get into serious trouble. So yes - this is exactly what happens when Parents do not tough love their kids.

    On a different note.....

    My son - at 16 - was so sure he knew EVERYTHING - he told us so. He had been incarcerated for theft. Broken the laws of the state, our home and was just out of control. WE certainly could not control him. We tried medicines, therapy, parenting techniques - and at some point you just have to sit back and say? WHATS left? And when you're answer is - NOTHING except to let him fall - then you have to step back and let the world kick him in the butt. They know SO much - let them see how much they know, make their own mistakes...and if they are WORSE without your help and they get into MORE trouble? Then - they get into that trouble and LEARN something. THey LEARN - because they ONLY HAVE THEMSELVES TO BLAME and ....most importantly THEMSELVES to ask - WHO GETS ME OUT OF THIS NOW? ---MYSELF. NO MOM NO DAD-no FANCY LAWYER. And in doing so --they earn respect for THEMSELVES. Because I can bake a beautiful cake and take it to your daughters shower - but when you bake the cake for your daughters baby shower and show it off- you feel a greater sense of pride and bragging rights....same with kids solving their problems.

    This is what tough love is about. It doesn't mean that you are NEVER there to give or offer advice....it DOES mean that you are NOT THERE - to pick up the pices with money-or a flop house or to bail them out of their problems. I am ALL FOR _ PAYING if you are able for rehab. Once or twice....but after that? Sorry - no. There are FREE programs out there that if someone is serious about sobriety? They can find on their own and complete the programs. Thing is - YOU want your son to quit smoking pot. YOU want him to go to college. YOU want him to graduate and get a job. YOU want.....YOU want. YOU want. I've seen very little here of - MY SON WANTS SOBRIETY. MY SON WANTS TO FINISH SCHOOL. MY SON wants to get good grades. When THOSE statements or I statements start coming out of his mouth? THEN you help. When HE is serious - Yeah - but until then? You need to back off.

    Dude took a year and a half of his "I KNOW MORE THAN YOU DO." attitude and wow......what a time that was. We had buried a child, let one go.....and no, I didn't hear from him and what was worse? The man above that I wrote about? THAT is his biofather. When our son was about 4 years old - he took our son "Dude" and traded him for crack. Left him with a dealer. Nice huh? Well that same kid - turned 18-19 years old, has an out of control temper and WANTS to go LIVE with that same man. The crazy man. On drugs. The one that took him and wouldn't give him back when he was a baby. Just to spite me. So I'm stuck between wondering if he would KILL my son in his sleep and threaten me with this so I'd come there, or if my unstable kid would go off his nut and kill his biodad for what he did to him at age 4 ---and end up in jail for life. Then add not hearing from him too much for a year and a half...Yup - Basket case. STILL - did.NOT. Interfere. BEcause it was THEIR life, their problem and I had to allow whatever was going on to go on because it was NOT my life. It was HIS. And two years later? Amazingly - he figured out that Daddy Disney is a creep, not worthy of his time, a liar - etc, etc. Now he has goals, has I WANT statements in his life, and isn't doing too bad. Is he still a difficult child? YUP. But is he takign care of himself? Yup. Do I worry? You bet - he's my son. Is MY stress level gone down? ABSOLUTELY. Is he going to go to Yale in the Fall? Nope. How bout get his GED? I wish. Go to tech? It's on his I wish list. But see.....this is HIS life. Screw ups or good things - HES got to figure out - what and how - and where and who. Not me. I had my life - I made my mistakes and if I force my hand? He's not going to do what I want him to do and rebel more. He's got to do what he's going to do - on his own terms. At 2o - he's a man.....not a little boy.

    I just pray every day he finds his way and that it's a good way - stays clear of the law, finishes school somehow - gets a good job, makes enough to support himself...remembers what I taught him, and is a kind and fair person, and is happy, and healthy. If he's something other than that? I can't change that, and I'm not going to be like my X mother in law and spend my life bailing him out of one problem after another. I did ask my x mother in law at one point - WHEN or at WHAT AGE DO you stop helping and paying and fixing things for your son? She said "That is none of your business, it's between me and my boy." (and I think BOY was the operative word) Personally I think he should have walked around with a pacifier in his mouth - and until she died - did.



    Hope this helps.
    Hugs & Love
    Star
     
  17. feelinghelplesss

    feelinghelplesss New Member

    Thanks Star, I'm speechless. I do understand the enabling of a mother in law, I saw it in my ex mother in law with my X. Not drug related, but she paid for everything ... even buying him a very nice house and country club membership. He's on his second divorce (married the woman who he cheated on me with), but now he's living with a woman and her three young kids. Divorce isn't even final. Never growing up, never really happy. And worst of all, never truly a father to our 3 children, one of whom is my son who is struggling. My son has a lot of resentment towards his dad. So I understand the awful results of enabling.

    My son does express a strong desire to return to school and succeed. He also wants to find a part-time job while at school He's registered for classes in the fall and scheduled to re-take a class that he got a "D" in because of bad attendance. His own goal is to get an A in that class. Of course I want him to go back to school, but I've made it clear that it's his choice...not mine. At this point, we've laid down several expectations (that he's agreed to) and if they aren't me, there are consequences. Such as-- no school paid for, no expenses paid for, you're on your own. I feel that we need to give him this one last chance to prove himself...to HIMSELF as much as to us.

    My definition of a happy ending here is when a kid who is addicted to drugs and is self destructive (and is destroying the family) stops the insanity and starts taking care of themselves. Is able to be happy without the drugs and lead a productive life...whether that means going to school or getting a job. Anything that gives them a sense of self worth.

    I sounds like your son is moving in a positive direction. I have said a prayer for him. Thanks again, Star.
     
  18. keista

    keista New Member

    Ah, NO! in my opinion you passed the early stages a LONG time ago. 3 arrests? can't do a 3day weekend with the fam without pot? Handing over your home AND vehicle to who knows who? These are NOT signs of 'early stages' in my opinion you have a full blown addict on your hands.

    Hopeless? NO. The advice you have been given by others is top notch! You need to set FIRM rules and FIRM consequences and FOLLOW THROUGH on them. Sounds as if you are hoping that if your set the new rules, he will magically think "Hey she's serious this time, maybe I'll listen, get help and do better" He might, IF, in the past, you ALWAYS followed through with your 'threats'.

    I went back and read your two previous threads (I was on vacation when you posted) And the MOST HOPEFUL post came from a member's own personal experience. (mrsammler June23) He sounds like he was EXACTLY where your son is, and he worked himself out of it ONLY AFTER his dad booted him out the door.

    Happy endings? I read TONS of them on this forum, BUT I can only suppose they are NOT the kind of happy endings you are looking for. The happy endings here are very small victories after YEARS of struggles. This may be what you perceive as the hopelessness here. What you have to remember about this forum (as mentioned by Hound dog on your first post) is that most parents here have been struggling with their kid's issues from a VERY early age. Some recognized problems as early as birth - at least in hindsight. What most of us wouldn't do for a child that would at least occasionally help out around the house! When one of our difficult children do help out, at least once, that is a HUGE victory for us.

    There are a few members here who have in their signatures easy child(formerly difficult child). Those are the BIG happy endings here, and it does and can happen, but again, generally not without YEARS of struggles.

    You will know when he comes and tells you that he has a job, a decent place to live, respectable friends, and with any luck a "hey, Mom, Dad, thanks for making me get out on my own. Life IS good" If the happy ending doesn't materialize, at least he is out of your home, and those of you left there are safe from his antics.

    He is an ADULT. It is HIS life to do with as he pleases. As long as you are "catching" him when he falls and "allowing" him to continue using drugs, he has NO reason to stop
     
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well I am not sure there are happy endings because most of us are in the process and there are ups and downs along any path.... although there are better spots to be than others. I know we are not at the end of whatever yet. It sounds like really the first question you have to ask yourself is letting your son stay at home, continue on his current path as is, which includes violating all your rules, helping him at all? The reality is learning that you can break rules without consequences is not how the world works and not the message you want to send him.... because out in the real world it does not work that way. So we were in a similar situation as you with our son... although no parties at the house but he did use our car without our permission in the middle fo the night etc. Definite drug problem. We kicked him out and yes things definitely got much worse for him. He was arrested several times... and had the attitude with the law that he did at home...there seemed to be no real consequences to his actions... UNTIL the court system had enough and he ended up in jail. That led to rehab and probation. He is now doing better than he was then. He has a job, has not gotten in any trouble as far as I know, and may be drinking but is at least staying doing enough to comply with probation and drug testing. Could things get worse again? Absolutely especially since I don't believe he has fully faces his issues with substance abuse. Do I know what is really going on? No? Am I worried about him? Absolutely. Do we have a good relationship? No.... BUT it is better than it was when he was living at home and breaking all our rules. At least now he is pleasant to us, calls us when he needs something, thanks us when we do do something for him. I think he is figuring out that he needs to obey the law. He has spent time with another family that is really messed up and so has seen what life could have been like and maybe appreciates us a bit more. Definitely progress. Is he struggling? Yes. Has some bad stuff happened? Yes and he now has a felony on his record. However if we had let him live at home I think he could be dead from serious drug use and possible overdose. When we kicked him out I thought he was mostly using pot, I have found out since it was much worse than that. The path he was on when at our house was leading to total self destruction. That could still happen of course but he is in a better place and some of his own self preservation is kicking in because we are not always rescuing him from himself. The other piece is that we are doing much better. I am under less stress not living with the constant stuff from him. My daughter is doing well and is much better off without her brother here... and she is younger and we need to protect her from all the stress of his shenanigans. Ultimately you also need to look at what is good for you and the rest of your family. It is not healthy to live under such extreme stress of one member who doesn't respect you or obey any rules.
     
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Can someone tell my how to get spaces between sections of my posts..... no matter what I do it seems to all end up in one paragraph????
     
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