I'm always the bad guy, but THIS time...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Nov 11, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    sorry, daughter has a basketball tournament in another city and must stay overnight. We can't go with her due to financial constraints. It will be hard enough to send her alone. We are trying to find a family who can take her.

    Hub has a sort of work acquaintance with a daughter on the team. A few weeks ago, I was sitting next to his terrified ex-wife who was afraid he'd try to make her leave the auditorium because he doesn't allow her to see her daughters and doesn't like her to watch their games. Talking to her, she said, in tears, that he used to deal in cocaine, was accused of hit and run, had many DUIs etc. Although it may not be true, the abuse she described rang true to me and who wants to take a chance? Also, I knew this man's sister and she NEVER speaks of him, although she talks freely about her other brother. This ex-wife told me the "Nice" side of the family won't have anything to do with him. I was really shocked. This is a respectable, wealthy business man in town.

    This man has offered to take daughter with HIM. I said a big fat no to hub and told him that if that was her only offer, she'd either have to stay home or he'd have to cough up the money out of our Christmas fund and go with her. I am terrified at the thought of her going with this man. Hub argues that he wont' do anything illegal around his daughters, who will also be there. I said WHO KNOWS?????

    Daughter thinks Im overprotective and mean. Actually, she would rather go with somebody else, but we don't know if anyone else will offer. Most of the people are taking the entire family, something that is impossible for us to do. (She knew this when we signed her up).

    Would you let your kid ride up with a man who has this history on the basis that he is with his daughters so he will be good? His ex-wife ( and he is soon to have another ex-wife) both claim he is violent and abusive. However, I'm sure he DOES put on a good act for other people. I never dreamed of his background until I spoke to a few people. And, of course, they could be lying, but I just don't want to take any chances with my daughter.

    Any thoughts on this? (I love husband, but sometimes he is very naive). JMO
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2009
  2. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    No, I wouldn't let her go with him. No way.

    Maybe part of her Christmas present could be going to this with husband.
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I think that if no other offers come up, it should be a choice given to easy child. Skip this tournament due to financial reasons or opt to have husband attend with her, at the sacrifice made very CLEAR regarding Christmas expenses. I dont' blame you for your concerns about this man at all. Is it at all possible for husband to travel in the same car or with another group in their car, with easy child, in order to cut expenses?
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Regardless of any rumors you might have heard....the bottom line is:

    How do you feel about your teenage daughter staying at a hotel with an adult male (a stranger to you) and other teenage girls?

    That alone gives me the creepy-crawlies.

    Incidentally, even the boy scouts will not let one parent share a tent with anyone else's child. If the kids want to share a tent or a cabin, the adults must bunk next door to avoid any appearance of impropriety.

    I would not only say no, I would say HECK NO!!!

  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Um, NO!!! I say use some holiday money and let easy child know up front that money is covering the cost of H going with her.

    This man you describe sounds like a man in our town - four gorgeous daughters and a beautiful now ex-w. He was wealthy and well respected in town, coached many teams over the years. I happened to be friend with a mutual friend who knew the ins and outs of the marriage. She confided in me that he sexually abused all four of his daughters....something that never came out in the divorce because the ex-w feared retaliation because of her ex-h's social power and money to pay for a very good lawyer. Sad. You just never know and with your guy's history, no way.
  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    NO WAY would I let my child go anywhere with this man, even if his own children will be going along! The ex-wife would have no reason to lie to you about him. And what are the odds that both this ex and the soon to be ex would be lying when they both claimed that he was abusive. And no way would I let my child travel anywhere with someone who had a history of multiple DUI's. That is so true when they say that you never know what really goes on in someone else's house! People like this are usually very careful to put on a good front and it helps if they have the money and social position to pull it off. A lot of people thought my ex was a really good guy at first too - the 'public' face they saw was totally different than what we saw at home.

    Does your daughter have another friend on the team that she could go with, someone whose parents would both be going? If she doesn't, the idea for her to go with your husband is a good one, but no way would I allow her to go with this other man.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    MWM, have you spoken to the coach about the financial limitation that you're under right now? Most schools have a "slush fund" for these things. Quite often parents are up against it and can't support the team effort because of financial constraints. Between the team funding, school funding and PTA "extras" they have the funds to pitch in so that the child can participate. The coach may also know of another Mom that may be willing to chaparone your daughter. It could prove to be a growing experience for easy child's "friend base".

    To answer your question though? It'd be a cold day in h-e-double hockey sticks before I'd go against my gut on this one! ;)

  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Do you have a "case.net" in your area? Here, you can search for someone's criminal background on the net. I'd check her story before I make your daughter miss the tourny.

    The judicial system doesn't always work, but it would be unusual for him to be successfully able to repeatedly keep the girls from their mother, too, if his background is as shady as she says. Not impossible - don't get me wrong...
  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    My father is a sex offender. No young girl is safe around him. Period. In spite of his arms length list of victims, he has no criminal record. He is considered a pillar of the community. And he has access to his daughter (my little sister). I wish we had access to a online database of criminal records, but it doesn't always tell the tale.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'd get on the phone and call a parent I was comfortable with and see if they could take her- offering to let their daughter stay with my family at some time when they need it. I'm NOT one to normally do that and I would cringe at doing it, but I would force myself this time. Start with that- if that doesn't work, we'll be brainstorming for Plan B.

    Let me get this straight- the other father is taking these girls alone- as in- he's going to be the only adult? No way. If he was taking a spouse, yes, probably, well- maybe.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. As far as I know this slimebag isn't a sex offender. He's just a wifebeater who takes or took cocaine and sold it and has DUIs. I told hub no way. Strangely, daughter doesn't want me to take money out of the Christmast fund. It would cost $300 to go there, and I saved up $600 for Christmas. I have a $500 coming in for royalties on one of my books, and all that was going to be for traveling to Illinois for both holidays, help with food money, and presents for all the kids and grandbaby. Hub said he'd be able to put the money back into the account, but I know from experience that, although he'd do it, we would be scrambling for food money so I'd rather not. Daughter has a sinus infection anyway and is with hub right now picking up her medication.

    This is not a school function. It's actually a big deal. She was recruited to try out for a girl's cage basketball team in our area. Only the best athletes are allowed to play, however it's not cheap. This is their one two day tourney that is too far away for us to drive to. There are no funds. Most of the girls on the team come from more well off families.

    We'll see if husband came up with a way to go without dipping into the Christmas fund. I know he really wants daughter to be able to play and I know that daugher would really like to go too, but she's being a good sport and also certainly doesn't want less at Christmas.
  12. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Maybe if you offer to contribute to gas and tolls for another family to take her, you could find someone. Call the tourney sponsor and see what they can do, if anything.

    Good luck.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    MWM, under NO circumstances would I allow this man to have any kind of authority over one of my kids. From just knowing that he abused his wife I would forbid that kind of contact. in my opinion it would send the message that although he hurt his wife, it is still OK to put him in charge of females.

    Then there is the cocaine and other allegations. Those would also be a NO. Even for an event in-town. My child would not get into a car with him.

    Chances are HIGH, based on other aspects of your small town gathered from other posts, that the family has done all they could do to keep his troubles out of the light of day so that they are not embarrassed. I know many firsthand cases that this happened in. One very very wealthy family here would not even be allowed to have my child grace the front door with a knock. Not about anything.

    You have all of these things, PLUS your intuition screaming NO NO NO! SHE WON'T GO! NO NO NO! SHE WON'T GO!

    Don't ignore that. When the angel on your shoulder recruits friends to come and cheer that at you, well, it is something you need to listen to.

    I am a chauvinist in some ways. I freely admit my bias. With the very very rare exception I will NOT have a male babysitter for my children. We are almost past that, but the rule has always been there. The vast majority of child predators are male. Simply using that bias is one way to eliminate a LOT of risk to my kids. Gpas, specific other males in our lives are exceptions.
    This is not said to man-bash, or to cause discussion. It is just what we use to help set up our lives so that we can eliminate a certain amount of risk.

    I hope that Nichole can find a team that is not such a hardship for the family to afford. I know things are really rough right now. Maybe in a year or two you will have more books published and that can pay for activities.

    Hugs. It hoovers to have to deny our kids something because of this kind of ****.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    this auntie votes no.

    and - h. No.

    and not in a million years no.

    and too bad so sad no.

    and you are right on mom - no.