I've Been Given Permission to Have a Friend

[DaisyFace]

difficult child has decided that she is OK with it if I have a friend.

Yes - that's "FRIEND" singular. She announced this to me the other day...as though it's an issue that's been on her mind. And so, she just wanted to let me know that if I have a friend, it will be OK with her.

On the one hand - this is really sort of funny....as though I have been patiently waiting all my life to get difficult child's approval to have a social life. Oh yay!!! I finally get to try and make a friend! YAY!!!

But on the other hand - how strange? Is it odd that a nearly-seventeen-year-old cannot conceive of her mother having friends and interests outside of the family? It's not like I've been a hermit hiding in the house all along...

Does your difficult child have a problem with your friendships?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Given that for us, living in GFGland has excluded us from the entire rest of the world... there is no concept of ANY of us having a "friend". We all WANT one... but it isn't gonna happen.

 

[DaisyFace]

Insane--

I will be your friend. It's a bit of a distance to get together for lunch...but we can still be friends.

 

[AnnieO]

Onyxx likes to appropriate my friends. BFF? Onyxx thinks she's cool, and whenever BFF is over, she MUST be with Onyxx at all times. No Step. BFF2 (BFF's husband)? Onyxx used to be all over him, until she was told by BFF that it was highly inappropriate and to STOP. (Which is fine...)

Most of my friends aren't local, which means she can't try and take off with them. LOL!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Insane--

I will be your friend. It's a bit of a distance to get together for lunch...but we can still be friends.

Thanks, DF, except... in real life? Nobody can stand to be around me... except husband (thank goodness for husband!).
On the board, I have time to slow down, think, re-word stuff 100x. in real life... you'd walk out before lunch was half done... well maybe not THAT fast - it might take a couple of months, but...

Yup. I'm just too far out in GFGland myself.

But... it is nice to have some "friends" around this board... it really is!

 

[JKF]

Both of my difficult child's love our group of friends. We entertain and socialize a lot and on weekends when we do not, difficult child #2 especially gets upset. Who's coming over? No one. Are we going anywhere? No Why? Because we're having a quiet weekend. Can't SOMEONE come over? lol On and on. I think he likes the social interaction and attention he gets when we have friends over. Also, some of our friends have kids his age so he likes that he gets kid play while the adults get to play!

 

[AnnieO]

IC, I'm right there with ya. People either love me or hate me, there's NO in-between...

 

[susiestar]

I find the whole concept of a child telling you it is okay for you to have a friend to be bizarre. Who does difficult child think she is to be in a position to give you permission for anything, much less to have a relationship of any kind iwth anyone?

My kids might say something like they wished I spent more time with my friends because it makes me happy and that means I dont' give them so many chores, but they don't give me permission. Period.

If I were to ask any of my kids what they thought my reaction would be to them giving permission for me to have a friend, they would be worried about what I would do. NOT that I hit them, cause I just don't do that, but they would know it was way overstepping the boundaries and in their minds if they can overstep so much then I could overstep and break boundaries and I might come unglued and whomp the snot out of them. That is actually exactly what Jess just said. Whomp the snot out of her.

 

[KTMom91]

Miss KT has a problem with my husband, and makes most things a battle, putting me in the middle if possible.

 

[confuzzled]

no opinion on if its ok for difficult child's to decide your social life, but lmao @ IC and Step. i have a feeling we'd all get along famously.

the funniest friendship i have is with my neighbor, who herself has a major difficult child. we are both so anxiety ridden with such pressured speech that we BOTH talk at the same time (only 1/2 hearing the other) and just keep at it. we can do it for hours--and its actually a great source of support. its one of those things that so works...but i'm sure its hilarious to see in person. both husband's are the stronger, quieter type and they just smirk and shake their heads, lol.

 

[shellyd67]

husband and I both have lots of friends. We both have 2 Bff's and many close friends, lots of couples friends and tons of aquaintances.

I am very social and love get togethers, parties, school functions, sporting events.

We go out every other Friday night to dinner with a LARGE group of friends and their kiddo's.

Both the kids have BFF's and lots of other friends.

Neither has ever had a problem with us going out with or without them.

A few times difficult child tried to ruin our date night but that was several years ago.

 

[susiestar]

I have to laugh at the description of confuzzled and her neighbor talking. My childhood bff and I didn't live near each other or see each other regularly after we were 12, but we always could talk like we had never been apart. On a trip to her area when I first went to dinner with her and her then boyfriend/now husband, he said maybe 10 words the whole night. He couldn't get a word in edgewise. He watched us in shock - neither of us ever stopped talking but we never missed a response to each other. It was like we had 2 different conversations going at the same time. I guess it is a female thing because I have another friend I do it with too. It is natural to us and our husband's just look on in shock. Our sons tend to find gfs who do the same thing, I guess because it is what they expect, lol.

I have a feeling I would have no problems with IC or Step, etc... in conversation in real life. I tend to need to edit myself also, so I am pretty hard to offend. Mostly because I know you can say one thing and mean something else but get it confused so easily.

 

[Marguerite]

DF, maybe she really was talking about "friend" as in romantic interest...

InsaneCdn - if you are implying that you shoot (your mouth off) and ask questions later, I'm used to that around me. I can put up with a great deal form people, as long as I can see their heart's in the right place. husband had an aunt (died two years ago) who had the most appalling case of foot-in-mouth disease imaginable. She was an inveterate gossip but a good-hearted soul. She always said what she was thinking, however. One memorable occasion - we had met up in the city, I'd gone straight from work with easy child who I'd just picked up from the child care centre. easy child would have been about three months old at the time, so it was the first time aunty had seen her. There were about five couples there, apart from me and husband the others were all aunts and uncles, plus mother in law & father in law. Aunt foot-in-mouth exclaimed over easy child (who really was a strikingly beautiful baby - she turned heads as an infant). Aunty said, "Oh, what a gorgeous baby! And who would have thought you would have such a beautiful baby?"
Her husband was kicking her shins under the table while she said, "What? But she IS a gorgeous baby! What's wrong with saying that?" while I just laughed and laughed - I knew exactly what she meant, I was not exactly ugly but no glamourpuss either. Just an ordinary-looking person. And yet I had produced Helen of Troy...

Marg

 

[Bunny]

difficult child knows that I have friends and interests other than the family. At times I get that I spend too much time on my hobbies and not enough time on him, but then I remind him that I planned X, Y, and Z to do with him and he decided that he didn't want to do them after all, so I would work on my hobbies instead. Every now and then, when I 'm going out with my stitching friends he'll ask me to stay home, but I tell him no and I leave.

DF, does difficult child think that if you have a friend that it will take attention away from her? That's so odd that she's given you permission to have a friend.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hmm. We haven't encountered that here. I'm soooo glad she approves ...
What was your reaction?

 

[lovelyboy]

I dont know your situation.....dont know if you are married or single or in a relationship with a man friend?
If you are single.....I would have interpret her commend as saying that she is in an emotional space where she feels safe and ok enough to " let you go" and spend time on your own to have a friend! Maybe I am way of here....but I truely dont see it only as being bossy or trying to offend you.....for me its actually a healthy, good sign?
Maybe because my spectrum kiddo doesnt always....well seldom understands that he isnt my equal....and this type of remark wouldn t have been negative to me......This is actually a great opportunity to have a discussion regarding personal space, privacy exct with your difficult child......

 

[DaisyFace]

The responses here gave me a lot to think about...

It never occurred to me that this was a "boundaries" issue - it just seemed so funny!

But, upon reflection - I guess it really is a boundaries problem after all. difficult child never did see me as a parent....I've always been the "competition" somehow - and difficult child has been determined to one-up me on every occassion. I've just become very used to ignoring it.

 

[Shari]

I had missed this, and gotta admit, I found it kinda funny, too.

For those who need to edit, I'm with ya. If you ask my in real life friends to describe me, "off the cuff" and "call it like you see it" will come up more often than not. lol

Along with some reference to Sandra Bullock that I only partially get.

 

[AnnieO]

difficult child never did see me as a parent....I've always been the "competition" somehow - and difficult child has been determined to one-up me on every occassion. I've just become very used to ignoring it.

...So familiar...