Judging difficult child's - why do I do this?

[Shari]

Just a vent.

I let myself get sucked into this way too many times.

I belong to a group of women who had babies the same time as difficult child 2 was born. There's one in the group who is ultra-religious, stay at home mom, with perfect kids. She recently had a neice diagnosed with a birth defect and emailed the whole group about it. She was worried about people staring and being mean, and I told her that you'll have that, but you'll also meet a lot of people along the way that have this defect or deal with it daily, and they'll come real close to making up for the a-holes out there. She asked how I knew, and I was stupid and answered. Dumb me, just trying to be nice and say she'll find some positives in this...

And here's her "non-judging reply". Why do I do this to myself??? I know better then to attempt to converse with this woman.

> Why does your kid have seizures and fits?
> Maybe some people just don't know he has that
> condition. There are so many kids that throw fits
> for no reasons nowadays, it is hard to be around. I
> have seen kids my daughter's age hitting a parent in the
> face in a fit! Maybe they had some reason for it, I
> don't know. I don't think it is good to compare at
> all with other peope because we all fall short of
> the Christ's glory. On the other hand, I try and
> avoid fit throwers. I was trying to help my friend
> once in a public setting and she said I could give
> her son a certain kind of juice (they are big on
> organic stuff, etc). The chid threw a fit when I
> gave him the drink. I thought he might hurt himself.
> He demanded I give him something his mom did not
> autorize me to give him. Instead of having him frail
> his arms, around me, I simply walked away. It is sad
> the child has not learned self control. I am not
> judging him but worry he will hurt himself. Other
> kids, out of control (without a valid reason),
> usually hurt my kids. The same
> night, the girl (the one I babysat) jumped on
> my daughter's head. My daughter NEVER cries, she is tough as
> nails physically, but this lightweight girl bent
> my daughter's neck down and really hurt her. My daughter was
> crying! And the kids also knocked down my other's
> friend newly walking son-without any sorrys. It is
> always a room of screaming and running, which my
> kids will not do. I have gotten to the point of not
> being able to be around such kids to protect my
> children. Again, these kids have no reasons to be
> this way other than lack of guidance and focusing on
> others, instead of self.
> Anyway, I just had to point that out. No, it is
> not good to be judemental but it is proper to
> discern right from wrong, and protect one's own
> children.
> I could go on about my daughter being punched in the
> face by her cousin and my other daughter getting hit
> repeatidely in the face with a wooden train at a
> friend's house (was highly upsetting to me). but I
> have learned that I am not the parent of other
> people's kids but I will not have certain chidren
> around my own. Less bloodshed that way

 

[klmno]

Has anyone ever hit HER over the head?

Just wondering.

Sure am glad she's not judgemental.... I think we should come up with ideas for a "gift" for her. Is her birthday or any other celebration in the near future?

 

[meowbunny]

I'd reply with something like, "I'm glad you're not judgmental but many of these children truly have no real choice in their behavior. If they could, they would happily control their actions and be as happy and cheerful as most children. They need your compassion and understanding even more than the child missing a limb or having a physical defect since their illness is not visible. I'm sure that as compassionate as you are and as devout as you are you'd want to do the Christian thing and help the parents of these children as much as possible by showing your compassion.

"I do understand the need to protect your children from harm -- that is something all good parents should do. However, that doesn't mean that children who have seizures should be excluded. Talk the parents, find out what the behavior of the child is, what can be done to protect yours and, as much as possible, include these children into your heart and your home. They need the love as much, if not more, than the child whose defect is visible to the world to see. Remember, NO child wants to be a "bad child." This behavior is not by choice."

I doubt it would really help but at least she might have a little more compassion for our kids. I truly loathe those sanctimonious, self-righteous people who think they have the answers but truly have no understanding of what our kids are going through.

I'm sorry your kindness and compassion was repaid with such stupidity and cruelty.

 

[Lothlorien]

Maybe we should all enlighten her! It's probably good for her to stay in her perfect little world with her perfect little kids.

Honestly, it's good to find out that she is like that, so you can avoid "embarrassing" the poor woman.

 

[4sumrzn]

Wow. That was not what I was expecting for a reply of "how you knew". Hmmm......"it is sad the child has not learned self control"......"I will not have certain children around my own"....once again, hmmmmmm....had NOTHING to do with her original concern with her neice! I guess I don't see why she had to spin it in a different direction.

But, she is correct in the beginning of her reply to you...."Maybe some people just don't know he has that condition". Well, the visual effects are more understandable to people....helping the situation with the neice. Obviously NOT the other children in this world that have disabilities that can NOT be seen! OK....I'm getting fired up! I'll stop now. Ummm......I like what meowbunny said, along with the others too.

 

[flutterbee]

Why does your kid have seizures and fits?

I *hope* she's not implying you have any control over that. Would she ask a diabetic why s/he has high blood sugar?

I like what MB typed. It's a good reply.

Other than that, I think you can feel good about yourself for being a good person and trying to help another. Unfortunately, this 'lady' is rather close-minded. I hope she doesn't stop you from reaching out to another.

It's like when easy child's one English teacher was asking about his absences when he was in the midst of severe depression - was suicidal complete with a plan. I explained this to her and she asked, "But, does he have a *physical* illness?" I told her his plan was to go to his dad's and shoot himself in the head and asked her if that would be *physical* enough for her???

Some people intend on remaining ignorant no matter how much you try to enlighten them.

 

[Sara PA]

Some kids are really easy to parent. Lucky for her kids they are.

 

[Hound dog]

My Mom had 5 of those so called "perfect" children, despite the fact that she also had at least 3 difficult children too.

Believe me, you don't want to know the extremes she went to in order to make certain we were those perfect children in public/outside the home. It only lasted til teenhood, but somehow she managed to hide it from her scope of friends ect.

That this woman reminds me strongly of my mother is NOT a good thing.

If she is like my mother, take deep breaths and let it go. You won't be able to educate her because it's her way or no way. Don't waste the time or effort. And word to the wise.....keep this woman at a very safe distance.

(((hugs)))

 

[totoro]

People are very funny creatures. I was just explaining to our neighbor, who knows about K, why we are moving. She does not want us to move because she is afraid they might get a neighbor who they do not like... which we truly understand.
She says to me, "You know, I know, a girl who had very bad tantrums when she was young, she is now 18 and graduating from high school, I am just saying you never know."
I smiled at her and said, " Yeah I am sure K will graduate from high school, but too bad we are dealing with SO much more than a tantrum"

I just blew it off... knowing that she WAS just really trying to give me hope because she doesn't understand...
But, people are very funny with the insensitive and caustic things that come out of their mouths!!!

 

[hearts and roses]

This made me think of all the parents of difficult child's who do not "get it" and continuously try to bend their non-conforming child to their will and cause themselves so much extra stress than if they learned a new way of parenting or accepting to a degree that which they cannot have control over. I mean, thank God that there are parents [like us] who have at least taken the time to learn about our difficult children and tried varying methods to help them adapt to our society (not always sucessfully, but at least we try).

I have a friend who has a difficult child and she's ready to give her up because she simply cannot handle it anymore. Her mother habitually tells her that she's simply not firm enough with the child, doesn't discipline her enough, hasn't taught her manners, etc. I can see how having her mother continuously berate her parenting has worn her down over the years. on the other hand, I'd detach from my mother before I would my own daughter, Know what I mean?? There will always be people out there who simply do not understand.

When I come across a person like this woman, I try to turn away because no matter what you say to her, she has her view and since her kids are so freakin perfect, she will never be able to see yours. I like what MB wrote - I think it's appropriate, but do not allow yourself to discuss it any further....like, if she writes back, don't even open it and just delete it because I'm sure she will put her other foot in her mouth and pi$$ you off. Argh.

 

[susiestar]

What a witch. MB gave a good response. Personally, I would make sure she was never near MY children simply because she is so judgemental.

Reminds me of a childhood friend who is very "devout". When I had a miscarriage she wrote to tell me it was for the best because "now you can finish college".

We don't talk anymore.

Sorry you have had to tolerate her.

Susie

 

[Shari]

You know what's funny about this lady?

A) when we met, she had just got married. Her older daughter is 9 or 10, the younger is 6. She was a major difficult child. Drugs, parties, unprotected sex (ie her older daughter who's father probably doesn't even know she exists). She'd just left "the life" when she married her hubby and got pregnant with daughter #2 right away. The older one was parked in front of the tv til the religion took the tv 3 years ago. I don't how many times we had emails of pictures of her older daughter in red boots because she lived for Dora the Explorer. She even let daughter wear red boots to church.

Which brings me to funny point B). Daughter #1 has some sensory issues. She doesn't choose to dress like mama wants, and mama no longer tolerates red boots for church. It must be lacy dresses and tights. She was recently complaining about daughter #1's inability to choose appropriate clothing, and most other moms said "let it go", but she would have none of it.

I won't engage this woman. I'll probably not even open emails unless required to participate in another aspect of conversation with the rest of the group. I nearly alienate the group as it is just because she is ever present.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me gripe.

 

[tammyjh]

People say dumb things all the time without realizing it.

When we had one of daughter's IEP meetings, we were explalining to the team that difficult child had problems understanding nonverbal communication...the counselor asks

"Doesn't she understand after you explain it to her?"

Unfortunately, before I had difficult child, I had a whole different perspective on difficult child kids and all kids and their behaviors in general. I don't ever look at a kid throwing a tantrum out in public and just think they need a good dose of discipline anymore. Sorry your friend is so narrow minded and judgemental.

 

[Star*]

Then I say.........

When God was picking out which child to give ME - he looked at my son and said "This little angel has to have a Mother who is tough as nails, and soft as butter at the same time. She has to be able to take great amounts of stress and walk with her head up and a face that implies she is so blessed to be stressed. She must know how it feels to have people not understand her child and point and whisper - but rise above the ignorance of others who will not get such a gift as this child. She must be willing to bend, not break, laugh at the absurd, and do ANYTHING with practically NOTHING ALL WHILE speaking out for HER disabled child.

......and then God picked me because only Mothers that are deserving get children like mine and extra jewels in their crowns when they go to heaven.

And that usually shuts them right up. Of course being shallow and petty - once I'm gone they talk amongst themselves but I leave knowing I educated women who think they are brighter than the sun yet know nothing of how to endure a blessing.



You weren't engaging her - you were EDUCATING her.

 

[Steely]

WOW Star, you nailed it. You nailed it. Amazing. That is exactly how I feel.

Shari, I personally could write a book about judgment, especially among the religious sect, because it grieves me, and upsets me on such a deep level. I have spent many hours pondering the solution, but I still have not come to a place of resolution. I just do not see why people have to be this way. It makes me so mad.

 

[susiestar]

Shari,

I know a large number of difficult child who became ultra-conservative and ultra religious. Having seen the way many of them are at home, I now tend to believe that most of them are either making up for MAJOR insecurity issues, or other problems. They have to act like they are the best, and their religion becomes the way they justify this. Unfortunatley, the people I know who have very deep FAITH often are much less inclined to religion, esp those religions who have large numbers of these "I am holier, better, and closer to God than you" people in them. I am NOT trying to slam any religion - I guess maybe I should say that the people with the bone deep FAITH stay away from churches where the congregation has large numbers of the "holier than you" people. That is probably a better way to say it.

I am sorry this woman hurt you. She really has no idea of how idiotic her words and actions are. God loves all of us, even women like her.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Shari]

The group as a whole actually got on a religion discussion once and she went so far as to pull out Bible verses to prove why her religion was right and others (Protestants, Jews, Catholics, some other major religions) were wrong. I love to learn about other religions and ways of life, and it was interesting until that point.

Star, as always, you put that so eloquently, I love it. I will print it for my wall. I may send that to her for her new neice's mother (with a little extra motive). I probably will just print it for my wall. You're all right, she's not worth the time. Someday maybe something will happen in her world that will change her views, too, but I guess for her sake, I hope that doesn't happen. I used to think parents had total control of their children. I have since learned otherwise. But ignorance was bliss, and she apparently has bliss - and peace - so I'll let it be.

 

[Star*]

Maybe you could find a second hand copy of Websters Dictionary and use little sticky notes and a highlighter and send her a copy with the words -

Tolerance, Patience, Understanding, Empathy, Love, Example, Gift and Friend highlighted.

I wouldn't put my name on the package - just send it.

ps. And maybe for sure the word pedantic