Just a little update:

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Dec 20, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Hadn't really said much since son and his girlfriend got their apartment. I can't say we didn't spend a pretty penny ourselves getting them settled, but other than the $150 loan to their first month's rent, no more money.

    Son is still working. Doesn't get many hours but he likes it and his manager says (I called one night to find out his hours so I could get him to work when I thought he was out of minutes and then we went in and bought a gift card) that he does good work and he's very happy with him. So that's good. But BOY does he need more hours! girlfriend still doesn't have a job and this week is going to her dad's for Christmas, leaving son home alone, since we're headed to Vegas on the 24th. But I suspect she hasn't looked very hard since she knew her grandparents were taking her to her dad's for a week or so (Difficult Child was expressly NOT invited). There are jobs to be had here, so when she comes back and starts working, they should be in pretty good shape. Until then, the food pantries have been their friends.

    Not that they haven't had little hands from us now and then...for instance today I gave them a plunger, lol. I still give Difficult Child rides when necessary as our bus service is poor, but I quizzed him on how he's going to get to/from work while we're out of town, since buses stop at 5:30, and he seemed quite unconcerned. Said he's sure someone will get off at the same time as him and worse case scenario he'll walk (It's about 4-5 miles), which was very good to hear. We're still considering letting him borrow my car while we're gone. But he hasn't asked at all.

    So...Saturday we went to Jabber's family Christmas. Son hasn't seen the family since the blow up when he was kicked out of the aunt's house. He wasn't going to go...skipped Thanksgiving...but he didn't have to work and girlfriend said, "sure, let's go" so we took them with (with warnings to NOT get into it with aunt and uncle). I am so glad he went. Jabber's mom's face just lit up when she saw him! He hasn't seen grandma and grandpa since the infamous family reunion when Jabber's siblings made us spirit him away and we'd told them he wasn't coming...so it was a surprise. Anyway, his grandparents were both SO glad to see him, big hugs all around, including for the girlfriend, who had never met them. :) Grandpa wasn't thrilled they're living in sin...lol...but that was expected. They were, however, very pleased that he is doing well and "back with us" if not in our house. I think it made son and girlfriend see that the family aren't "against" him. They needed that.

    We brought them home and gave them their Christmas gifts. We expected and got nothing. It's okay. We'll take him (them if she's still here) to see Star Wars on Wednesday, then Thursday we're on our vacation until the 29th.

    How's it really going? Well, I'm very cautiously optimistic. They may have a bit of trouble with the rent this time since she isn't working...I hope not, but am expecting the worst in order to not be crushed if it happens. But he seems...fairly happy. The temper is still rearing it's ugly head now and then, but...he smiles more.

    Life goes on...with fingers crossed.
     
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Lil, it sounds good. Every bit of it. How great for the family that they went to Jabber's family Christmas. That took guts.

    What is the girlfriend like? Do you like her? She seems to have a stabilizing influence on your son.

    Have a great time in Vegas. Remember the Tapas restaurant, I think it is on Paradise Road. So fun. So good. Sangria. It is on Yelp.

    COPA
     
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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hey Lil, thanks for the update, sounds like things are going very well. There is a much more even keeled ring to your post. It is nice to read positive posts.
    How wonderful to have everyone together at Jabbers family gathering. Things are looking up for you all.
    I confess, never been to Vegas (more of a country girl). You and Jabber have a great trip.
    Thinking happy thoughts for you all.
    Peace.
    leafy
     
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  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I do like her. She's very young...just a few months over 18...but she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. She told me once that this was my son's last chance...so hopefully he realizes he has to step up his game. I think he has really. Maybe. I don't actually see what's going on of course, but they still do seem happy.

    She makes fun of him at times for asking his "mommy" to do stuff for him. He needs that push. He loves to make people do stuff for him, pretending he can't figure out how to do things. Perfect example, I bought them this film you put over windows to seal out drafts; double stick tape and them shrink wrap it with a hair dryer. He was all about, "Well, how does this work? What about the mini-blind? What do you do with the AC cord? I don't get it." The girlfriend said, "I'm sure we can figure it out. You don't need your mommy to do it for you!" No doubt in my mind he not only could have figured it out but probably had a pretty good idea already. I mean, this isn't rocket science and he's a very bright kid. He simply is used to pretending to be helpless, so Mommy will just step in and do it. I admit, that's been a problem. I've done stuff like that his whole life. It took a while for me to recognize that.

    She's had an "interesting" upbringing. She's talked a bit about her mother, and not in glowing terms. Apparently that whole side of the family (mom, brother, grandma) live on SSI, and she thinks at least her brother and mom could find some form of work, but are lazy. It's actually good I think, that she doesn't approve of lazy...keeps my kid in line a bit. She does realize he's lazy too. She and her mom had one heck of a falling out over her mom basically expecting her to support her since she had a job. Still, she is worried about them. It's clear she loves them very much. Her father is, unsurprisingly, NOT yet ready to accept my son. Her invite to Christmas at his house was followed by "That Boyfriend of yours is NOT invited." I can't blame him. I'd probably feel the same way. I keep telling her and my son that, if they stay together and he treats her right and makes her happy, her dad will come around. I hope so...would be better for her.

    So, in short, yeah. I think she's a good influence so far. :)
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Lil,

    Is it not something how this has gone, in such a short time? So many twists and turns. Who would have guessed he would be in this place, even a month ago. Not me.

    Like you, I like that she seems to see him realistically, tells him straight, and he listens. At least some.

    I like her loyalty and love for family. Good for her.

    I know how young they are, but I cannot help but root for them.

    You and Jabber, have a great time in Vegas. You deserve it.

    COPA
     
  6. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I am glad that everything is going well. Have a great time in Vegas.
     
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It's a journey..........
     
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  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Lil, this is progress. This is what progress looks like...not all pretty and perfect and a 180 from the past, but messy and not perfect and wish-it-was-more-but-hey-let's-celebrate-THIS.

    I have often thought the love of a good woman...(lol)

    I'm glad for you and for him. I'm also glad you are still going out of town for Christmas.

    You need to stop and pat yourself on the back for a long time for all of the progress YOU have made.

    Nobody is perfect...them or us. The sooner we can really and truly accept that, about all people, the happier we will all be in life.

    Merry Christmas!
     
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  9. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm still not holding my breath but for the moment things are looking better.
     
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Lil, what a nice positive post. Thanks so much for sharing. How nice that he went to see Jabber's family and that he received a warm welcome. The girlfriend sounds like she will help keep him moving in the right direction.

    I hope you and Jabber have a wonderful time in Vegas. You both so deserve this break.

    Take care and safe travels.
     
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  11. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    It's great to hear that he is finally starting to get it!

    Have a wonderful trip, and Merry Christmas!
     
  12. NC Momma

    NC Momma New Member

    I will keep my fingers crossed with you that things continue to improve and that he gets more hours. I sure do hope she finds her a job when she gets back. I think it is actually a little understandable that she waits until she gets back to look for work. I pray that things go well. If she gets a job and their financial situation looks up, well that would continue to improve things I think. ;)
     
  13. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I don't think he's really getting it yet. I think he's faking it for her benefit for right now. That's why I'm hesitating to get my hopes up just yet. If she leaves him any time soon, he will free fall. If they stay together long enough, he may manage to fake it till he makes it!
     
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    He isn't faking it. He is practicing.
    And yes, if the opportunity to practice ends before he has mastered the skills, then he is back where he started or worse. But it isn't fake. It's real... just not mastered.
     
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  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Jabberwocky, I so understand your guarded view. I think we need to be realistic about our DCs. The reality is that things are better but they are a long way from being self-sustaining. And life being what it is, he will likely have some setbacks and disappointments and he may not handle them well and he may go backward.

    But... Living in the here and now is really all we can do. Being okay with that requires learning how to live with uncertainty, something most of us have no idea how to do; in fact we don't want to learn how to do it at first.

    But sticking our toe in that water starts to feel so good that once we do it and taste it a bit, we want more and more of it.

    Pema Chodron writes about this and her work has really helped me.

    I can still get messed up and disappointed about Difficult Child and I have found that my immediate next action is to reinforce my physical boundaries with him and not see or talk to him for a few days or weeks so I can regain myself. I just went through this cycle again since Thanksgiving. I keep on releasing him, letting go, and turning it over again and again and again.

    I am so so glad I have finally learned what to do when I get the crazies. Because I will get them again, about all kinds of situations (like my aging parents) and what matters most of all to me today, first and foremost, is my own peace of mind.

    Hang in there. I am hoping he is learning every single day and that will come in to help when setbacks occur.
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am late to this party...partly because, as is a part of my own personality, I am still cynical. I would not have jumped in to help out when things got better because I'd want to see him and her work everything out alone, even transportation. That makes an adult an adult...no more mommy help. That's how my daughter launched...on her own...and I am leery about giving help at all, let alone after a very short period of time. But I'm happy...happy that things are going positive and not negative. This is always a good sign.

    To avoid heartache, I would hold back and not get too excited until it's like this and improves over at least a year and I am crossing fingers, toes and eyes that it does.

    For now I'm just happy there is added peace and serenity in your life. Take what you can get. And my two cents is to let them flounder and learn on their own, but, of course, my own two cents is just that...my own opinion...lol.

    So glad this Christmas will be peaceful and wishing you fun in Vegas!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Wise advice. I agree - Expect the worst and you'll be pleasantly surprised if things go well. Expect the best and be disappointed if things go bad.
     
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    except... I find I tend to get closer to what I expect, when I expect the negative. If I'm expecting positive, it falls short, but if I expect things to blow up, they blow up spectacularly. Know what I mean? So I'm trying to NOT expect the worst... maybe expect something in the middle and not jinx things?
     
  19. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Its the "Hope for the best but plan for the worst" kind of thing.
     
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  20. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sit still and let G-d. I am working on this.
     
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