Just another manic Monday with difficult child :(

[Wakegirl]

So, my last post was about difficult child's truck being in the impound. I found this out on Friday while at work. His keys are lost, so I wasn't able to do anything about getting a key made until today (It has to be made by the dealership, and they don't do that on Saturday's. Leaving work early to get that taken care of). I called the tow company. As of today, the cost to get it out is 425.00. That's the cost of the tow and then 30.00 for every day that it has been there (it was towed on 02/11). I want to cry. Over 500.00 (including the cost of a new key), because of difficult child's lack of responsibility. Lack of caring, period.

I did confirm that difficult child is living with one of the biggest drug users in our area. My thought is that he will NOT get the truck back while living there. This guy not only smokes spice, heavily, but drinks a whole lot, as well. I really don't want to worry about the harm that could possibly be caused while he's around drugs and alcohol, and driving under the influence. So, my thought is that he doesn't get the truck back as long as he is living there and making poor choices. I'm even borderline about giving it back to him unless he enters a residential rehab. The kid is in deep. It pisses me off and hurts my heart all at the same time. I'm shaking, I'm so upset right now.

difficult child text me on Saturday and said he had the flu. I asked him if he had any medicine. Of course he didn't, so I volunteered to go get him some, along with plenty of juices and soups. Him and his buddy met me at the store. He looked awful. I mean, AWFUL. He's got a bad case of it. I reminded him then that my offer still stood...decide for yourself that you want treatment, and I'll be there with bells on. I got no reaction or comment to it. This morning rolls around, and I get another text. He wants to go to the doctor....he still feels miserable. And he needs some food. I told him I would take him to the minor medication this evening, and would also get him some groceries. We continued to text for a little while, and he said, verbatim, " I need a doctor and some food. I don't need treatment. I slipped, relapse is inevitable but I'm fine. I'm just ready to be working and start saving for this baby. I just want to get my life rolling back in the right direction". My reply.... "I can take you to the doctor and get you some food. But I'm completely done with drugs, lies, excuses, laziness, and lack of responsibility in my house. You can not live here until you get the help that you need". He said, "Well I'll just stay here than". I'm really upset about the truck. I'm sad that he's so sick with the flu. I'm irritated that he is living with a druggie. I'm feeling weak because I feel like I need to hold his hand and make him do what's right...even though I know I can't. Why are difficult child's so complicated? So hard-headed??? I just want to scream.

Oh, and for the record, we go back to court on Wednesday. He's suppose to have a lot of answers for his prosecutor. Proof that he's working full time (which he's not). Proof that he's still getting counseling, (which he hasn't "because he doesn't have a way to get there"), and proof that he's been attending AA meetings (which he hasn't been going to those either). Wednesday should be an interesting day.

Is it Friday yet?

 

[buddy]

Does he have flu or is he withdrawing? I suppose if he's with the drug dealer it's not withdrawal. Yikes, so sorry.

Also sorry about the truck
I hope you can sell it and get some money back. That amount would kill me. Uggg.

You are staying strong. Sending you lots of support.

 

[toughlovin]

Wakegirl,

I have so been where you are. You are doing great by the way. It is hard when as moms we just want to take care of them and make them feel better.... but in this case we can't make them stop using drugs and we cant make them do the right thing... it is a matter of holding firm and waiting until they can't take it anymore and agree to get themselves help. The stronger you are, the firmer you hold, the sooner he will realize he needs help.

I too wondered if he really had the flu or if this was withdrawal, it may be some of both. My son had the flu when he was homeless and when he finally got himself to rehab. It was awful knowing he was so sick and on the street.... but now he is in the sober house, is healthy, doing much much better and just sent me a message saying he was looking forward to seeing me!!! Things can and do change, especially if they are sober.

So yes get him some groceries... but dont go overboard... and yes take him to the doctor.... if he is withdrawing they may see that and comment on it????

TL

 

[Wakegirl]

When I first received the text saying that he has the flu, I wondered if he was calling my bluff, and using it as a way to come back home. But, I can confirm that he is very sick. When I met him Saturday night to give him medicine and soup, I knew he was sick. He has no voice. Burning up with fever. Sore throat. Weak. Etc. And it was written all over him. I talked to him when I left the office this afternoon, and he informed me that his girlfriend was going to take him to the minor medication clinic. So, I went by the clinic to try and pay his copay, but couldn't since I didn't have his insurance info with me (it's in a file at my office). So I called his girlfriend and told her, and she informed me that he told her it was too late to go to the doctor, and that it would cut into time that they would get to spend together. Ughhh. Really?? He is so sick, and it sounds like it's deep in his chest, so naturally I'm afraid that it could turn into pneumonia. He's had it before. I called him, and he was adamant that he would just go tomorrow. I know he feels awful and doesn't want to go sit at the clinic for hours, but I don't understand why he wants to jeopardize getting worse. My difficult child clearly needs a new brain.

 

[Signorina]

Wake Girl - my guess is that he won't see the doctor because he has been using. been there done that. They don't want to get "caught".

 

[Karenvm]

I am so sorry because I know the pain you are feeling. How crazy that our own children can get sick, and we can't be there for them in the way that we wish we could. Mother guilt, at its worst! So sad.
I think you are really doing a great job, staying strong. I know that is easy to say, but so much harder to do!
PICK just spoke to my 17 year old difficult child on the phone tonight, and each time I do, I want to cry. I feel so bad for him, even though I know that his choices got him where he is.
Wish I could hug you in person. Hang in there!

 

[Kathy813]

I'm even borderline about giving it back to him unless he enters a residential rehab.

I don't think that he should get it back unless he enters rehab. If he goes before the judge without a job, not seeing a counselor, and not attending meetings, the judge will ask why. Let him explain that he lost the key and the car was towed and impounded and he hasn't done a thing to get it back.

Hopefully, the judge will order rehab or send him to jail. Truthfully, either is preferable to living the way he is living. Something has to change.

~Kathy

 

[Wakegirl]

TL, forgive me. I meant to say how happy it makes my heart that your son is making progress. I don't know you, or him. But I can definitely rejoice in your happiness...and hope to one day write my own success story. I'm praying that day is really soon. I'm growing weary of waking up with a knot in my stomach. I've never been one to call into work, unless I'm really sick, but I've had to make myself NOT call in lately. It's all I can do to get out of the bed some days. Again, I'm happy for you (and your son) and envy you!!!

 

[Wakegirl]

Karenvm, it's crazy how similar our stories are. Wish we lived closer! We could compare notes on what works and toss the ideas that don't. I'm also so happy to read the updates on your son. I pray that he continues to be open for help. There's always going to be some type of reluctance, but it seems he's overcoming it and putting one foot in front of the other!! So proud of him and for you!

 

[Wakegirl]

Kathy813, I'm going to do exactly that...let HIM do all of the explaining to the prosecutor. The only time I'll interrupt is when he tries to fib his way out. Not going to happen over my dead body!

 

[toughlovin]

Wakegirl, don't envy me.... I have been through the wringer and hope it doesnt get as bad with your son as it did with mine. My son literally spent 5 months on the streets across the country and some of that was in Denver in the winter. It was very scary. The other thing is this is the upteenth time my son has been in treatment of some kind and he has either been kicked out or left on his own. So I know that getting to treatment is only the first step.... I cant really rejoicce until he has been sober for a period of time and has a job and really seems like he is leading a productive life. He is not there yet. Dont get me wrong I am very relieved he is safe and is doing the right thing for now.

What I do want to say is that you need to do what you can to get out of bed in the morning, live your life,, and find ways to enjoy life in spite of what your son is doing or not doing. Getting past that obsessive worry that keeps you from enjoying your life and sleeping at night. Really it is the only way you will survivie this. For me the key was finding a good parents alanon meeting. It really was a lifesaver for me so that even with my son in pretty dire straights I was able to find enjoyment in life, have fun with my husband and daughter and to sleep at night.

Now I admit that I am sleeping better now that he is safe.... and the thought of him being back on the streets stops my heart beating. I do not want to go through that again...... but I have no control over that and I know iif it idoes happen I will find a way to get through it.

This board helped a lot but meeting other real live parents who totally understood but also put the emphasis on my taking care of myself made all the difference in the world. I really encourage you to find a good parents alanon meeting.

TL

 

[Wakegirl]

TL, I guess envy was the wrong choice in words. What I meant was that I would give anything to know that my son was in a safe place, and at least attempting to get help. The thought that he is living with a druggie consumes so much of my day. I woke up this morning in a panic because of the thought of him smoking spice while he is so very sick. I can't imagine what those chemicals are doing to his struggling lungs. I can't hardly understand him on the phone (voice is crackled and hoarse), and when he coughs, it sounds so deep and congested. Yes, he has turned me into the worlds greatest worrier. I'm not sure I know life without worry in it. As soon as I get done with this post, I'm going to take your advice and research an alanon group for parents in my area. In the meantime, please know I am rallying for you and your son! Maybe, just maybe, this will be HIS year!!!

 

[Kathy813]

Wakegirl, I understand completely. When my difficult child was drinking and using drugs and I would hear about other difficult child's in treatment, I would think if only that was my difficult child. It is a natural reaction.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Wakegirl,

i understand the envy but let me give you a different perspective. Sometimes we all have to take a step back in order to go forward. I'm hoping that is what he is doing.

it is harder on us moms when they are sick on top of everything else but I applaud you for sticking to your boundaries.

personally, I wouldn't give him back the vehicle. He's proven irresponsibility. Why take the chance?

I firmly believe the only reason why my son is ok today is because of me holding my ground. He literally got to the fork in the road where it was homelessness for a few weeks then jail....or back home. He told me he thought he was ready for the real world and he was wrong.

so, let the consequences pile up and pray they will lead him back to a healthy life.

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL's advice about Al-anon is solid.

my group has carried me through so much. I have a few I can call in the middle of the night. One rode w me to take difficult child from one facility to another. Another calls me about 10 times a week to check on me.

you deserve a soft place to fall like that.

 

[toughlovin]

Dont get me wrong I totally understand about the envy too.... it is just that wakegirl has not been on the board through all the angst and worry and relapses and disappointments I have been through and the last thing I want is for her to go through some of what I have been through!! And hopefully Wakegirl I can give you hope, because really if my son gets through to the next phase then your son can too!!!

Did you find an alanon meeting?

After our discussion here I went to a meeting and there was a call for suggestions of a meeting topic. I suggested "obsession" which everyone thought was a great topic.... and one that we could all relate to. The nugget i took away from the meeting is that my obsessive worry (and checking of Fb etc.) doesnt change a thing for him. It doesnt have any a effect on him one way or another.... what it does do is affect me and make me miserable. So it comes back to knowing what you can change and what you can't. Accept the fact that your worrying isnt going to change what is going to happen with him. So put your energy into those things that will make a positive difference to you.

TL

 

[Nancy]

Dont get me wrong I totally understand about the envy too.... it is just that wakegirl has not been on the board through all the angst and worry and relapses and disappointments I have been through and the last thing I want is for her to go through some of what I have been through!! And hopefully Wakegirl I can give you hope, because really if my son gets through to the next phase then your son can too!!!

I totally understand what you are saying TL and when I first read that I thought we have seen you go through so much with your difficult child that there is nothing to envy there, even with him back in treatment. I wish so much my difficult child was in treatment and yet I know that is no picnic either and actually it's easier with difficult child living on her own and tryng to make it. I wish your difficult child all the success in the world in learning how to manage his life and deciding what is important and giving up those substance that are threatening his life.

 

[Wakegirl]

Dont get me wrong I totally understand about the envy too.... it is just that wakegirl has not been on the board through all the angst and worry and relapses and disappointments I have been through and the last thing I want is for her to go through some of what I have been through!! And hopefully Wakegirl I can give you hope, because really if my son gets through to the next phase then your son can too!!!

Did you find an alanon meeting?

After our discussion here I went to a meeting and there was a call for suggestions of a meeting topic. I suggested "obsession" which everyone thought was a great topic.... and one that we could all relate to. The nugget i took away from the meeting is that my obsessive worry (and checking of Fb etc.) doesnt change a thing for him. It doesnt have any a effect on him one way or another.... what it does do is affect me and make me miserable. So it comes back to knowing what you can change and what you can't. Accept the fact that your worrying isnt going to change what is going to happen with him. So put your energy into those things that will make a positive difference to you.

TL

Ohhhh, TL!! I totally get what you are saying! I'm not sure my heart could take knowing what all you've been through at this very minute. I know it's been a struggle, and I pray that you can give us all hope...for your sake and your sons sake. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. One day, on a better day, I'd like to read your story. I think. Lol. I hate that any of us are on this forum.

I had a bad day, that turned into a bad/sad night after watching a show on CNBC about Spice. The loss of lives that this stuff has caused has made me scared to death. I have no words, except unbelievable.

I did find a alanon group that meets everyday Mon- Fri at 5:30, ad it's right around the corner from my office. I'm going to my first one on Monday!

 

[Wakegirl]

Wakegirl,

i understand the envy but let me give you a different perspective. Sometimes we all have to take a step back in order to go forward. I'm hoping that is what he is doing.

it is harder on us moms when they are sick on top of everything else but I applaud you for sticking to your boundaries.

personally, I wouldn't give him back the vehicle. He's proven irresponsibility. Why take the chance?

I firmly believe the only reason why my son is ok today is because of me holding my ground. He literally got to the fork in the road where it was homelessness for a few weeks then jail....or back home. He told me he thought he was ready for the real world and he was wrong.

so, let the consequences pile up and pray they will lead him back to a healthy life.

Thank you so much, AG. I felt I was getting stronger until I saw him so miserable at the doctors office yesterday. He cried when he saw me, and hugged my neck so tight. It took everything I had not to take him by the hand and bring him home. My heart hurts so bad right now. But I keep reminding myself to stand my ground. As hard as it is...

 

[toughlovin]

No question about it when we see them hurting we hurt too.... it is so hard to stay strong when they are miserable!! It is a natural reaction to want to scoop them up and some how make it all better!!

And I totally get your not wanting to read details of what I have been through..... I havent gone back and read the history of what I have written over the last couple of years.... what I do hope it would show, though it might not is the process of my own journey. There are several of us here (myself, Nancy, Patriotsgirl and Kathy all come to mind) who have all been where you are whose kids have done and been into really bad stuff and it is amazing over time to see the progress WE make in dealing with it all.

I hope you find a good alanon meeting, and one especially with other parents. If one meeting doesnt feel right try another.

And I am with you on the spice... I think I am glad I didnt see that show. My son was into spice when he was being drug tested for pot because spice didnt show up (until they got onto him and started testing him for spice). I got to the point where I would rather have him smoke pot than smoke spice.

Egads it is all so scary.

TL