Just Another Morning in Paradise...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Mar 12, 2012.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    A normal morning around here is pretty lousy, as difficult child is usually in a bad mood when she gets up...but today we reached a whole new level.

    Usually, difficult child sets her alarm and gets herself up. On Saturday, she announced that she wasn't going to set her alarm and that Dad would need to wake her up.


    difficult child told husband that he needed to wake her up by 8:30 on Sunday...and he did. Then she complained that she wasn't ready to get up yet, he needed to come back later. He ended up waking her up twice that morning and she still didn't get out of bed until 10:30....and she was grumpy about it because husband didn't wake her up the way she wanted.

    Last night, husband told her she'd better set her alarm and get herself up for school in time for the bus.

    Well, she didn't. So husband went into her bedroom to wake her up, ....once, ....twice - and she was her usual grumpy self. husband told her to hurry up or she'd be late for the bus - and difficult child had some snarky comment about how there's no hurry and husband is wrong...

    And husband lost it. He told her that here he was trying to do a nice thing for her and get her up for school and she was being disrespectful - and difficult child came back with some nasty comments.

    husband told her that she'd better stop with the disrespect or he was gonna slap her...

    difficult child came back with attitude

    And husband slapped her right across the face.

    At which point difficult child stormed out.

    So now, here I am again waiting to see what is going to happen next. Am I gonna get a visit from CPS ? Am I gonna get a call from the school ? Is difficult child gonna come home today ?


    I am so tired of living like this...
  2. addie

    addie New Member

    Oh dear, I am so sorry - but you SO described mornings here ( we are on spring break so have a reprieve). It's the 15 yr old. She is seriously developmentally delayed in so many ways, as in she can hardly sign her own name and only fairly recently became able to form whole (simple) sentences. But attitude! And dressing to draw male attention ( cos the only time she dresses that way is when there are going to males around, and we are SO afraid for her and her desperate need for acceptance), and laziness, and oppositionality! All of those are 'age appropriate' IF she was functioning at 15 yrs.

    Anyway, I have no advice, just lots of empathy. I have dropped the expectations right down to four simple things:
    - take your medications (we give them to her when we wake her up, adderal)
    - brush your teeth
    - put the elastics on your braces
    - brush and put your hair in a pony tail.

    The cussing and swearing that comes from that room until the medications kick in!!!!!!
    AND - in spite of being on depo provera, Heaven help us, she still PMSs, though I have an appointment to look into that.
    And often and often it is because I or husband did not wake her up the way she wanted to be woken up. Which is how????
    Also often because she wants a bath when she KNOWS the rule is she takes her bath or shower at night because she takes so long, and her van is arriving in 10 minutes.

    I handle upstairs, husband handles downstairs. If she doesn't want breakfast, that is HER choice. She cooks her lunch at school (a school program) but if she doesnt choose her snacks, that's HER problem (but NOTHING will hold her back from sweet things!). And if she hasn't got everything she needs for school, that is HER problem. Because:

    - she CANNOT keep her driver waiting. NOT EVER. He has other kids to pick up.

    But oh my gosh, the times we have both felt like your husband did. Like just about every morning. It is so HARD to go through that refusal to get up and the verbal abuse and the ATTITUDE that makes one want to slap her silly. Not that we can or ever would, given our foster parent status. And if we did ...well, she understands all too well that we aRe not allowed to ever lay a hand on her.
    LOL - she once told her worker that I pulled her hair. Questioned more closely, she quite freely said it was when she was biting me, and agreed that I was in fact cradling the back of her head and exerting gentle pressure to release the bite, as I had been advised to do by the police the last time I had called them for biting etc.

    Funny how she can form sentences so easily when they are abusive to husband or me!

    Anyway, just empathizing. If her medications make a difference in her behaviors, then bribe, coerce, bribe, encourage, bribe and bribe to get them into her ASAP. But I am sure if that would help, you are already doing it.

    Good luck and hang in!
  3. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Mornings can be rough here too - there have been MANY times I have wanted to just smack difficult child into the next zipcode! She has been known to have a total toddler-like meltdown over SOCKS.

    The slapping thing would worry me too, because my difficult child has threatened in the past to call the police and lie to them about us beating her, and all that would do is give her ammo.

    I hope nothing major comes of this for you. It almost sounds like your difficult child was just baiting your husband.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Thanks for the understanding! It means a lot!


    I hope nothing comes of this either. I really hope not....but you never know. I guess we'll see what happens...
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hey, she deserved it. I'm not into slapping except in old movies, and snarky teenagers.
    Wish I had some brilliant advice, but I can send you and husband hugs.
    I soooo wish difficult child would get a clue ...
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    In Ohio... A single slap isn't abuse as long as it does not cause lasting damage/bruising/etc. We're "allowed" to spank...

    But if we do... We get investigated.

    I'm hoping for you, too, but the fact of the matter is, your husband should have a clue now, Know what I mean??!
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I agree!

    And husband's waffling between being strict and being permissive doesn't help. Just yesterday, ( YESTERDAY!!! ) he was telling me how everything is fine now with difficult child so maybe she needs more priviledges. What? Fine? Based on what???

    And I wonder if some of that waffling is his attempt to convince himself - Know what I mean?? As if he announces it - that makes it so. And now..after announcing that everything was fine - here we are having the same kind of grumpy morning around here that we have every single day. So now today, he wants to be very strict because things are not going "fine".
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hmmmmmmm. Want me to have my husband call him?! & splain how waffling makes things worse?
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    LOL! Yeah, that'd be great getting the two wafflers together...

    (by the end of that call, BOTH girls would be getting an old beat-up car to drive to school and work...AND plenty of gas money from Dad 'cause they're doing so well these days)
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    LOL!!! Maybe... Maybe not. husband backed down about the car... Now it's a cell phone when she gets out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so the employers have somewhere to call her.

    I put my $0.02 in - get her a tracfone.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Hopefully nothing comes of it, but I'd make an emergency plan for your 13 year old just in case. Is there a neighbor you can send him to quickly if CPS shows up? Is there a relative that he can stay with if necessary?
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Maybe CPS involvement might be a good thing?
    If husband is that stressed out having to deal with her... maybe she needs to be removed from the home for her own "safety"...???
    (we can hang onto a faint-hope clause, no?)
  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I don't know that difficult child would be removed from the home....but I'll bet anything we could get some free parenting classes!

  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    DF, they'd make you pay.

    One way or another.
  15. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I hope nothing comes out of it.....but you know difficult child's like to exaggerate as well. I keep hoping that your family gets *real* services and respite soon. I cannot believe what you and your family have to go through.
  16. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    It makes me crazy when husband steps in by yelling and screaming, doing everything he lectures to me about not doing, and making the situation a lot worse than it was in the first place!

    DF, I hope that she's in a better mood when she gets home from school. I hate when the mornings start out badly. Then I'm anxious for the rest of the day about what he will be like when he gets home.
  17. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Me too! I'm just sitting here counting the minutes...

    My heart is pounding....my head is pounding...I feel like I'm gonna have a stroke!
    And I haven't quite decided how I am going to handle it if she comes through the door...
    and what I will do if she doesn't come through the door.
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh yes ...the I hate mornings club. I hope nothing unhelpful comes of the slap.
    I saw an old fashioned alarm clock with the bells on top at big lots. You think you guys would want to go in to wake her up by setting it far from her bed and walking out??
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I don't know that difficult child would be removed from the home....but I'll bet anything we could get some free parenting classes!


    Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Daiiiiissssssyyyyyyyyyyyyy ... lol~!
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Here in OK parents are not "allowed" to use corporal punishment - we are "required" to! It is in the laws! But CPS can still get upset about a slap or a spank, and be a PITA. So I hoep that maybe difficult child just doesn't push him for a day or so. I don't miss the days of having a teenage difficult child in the home!