Just Walk Right In!!!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Jul 19, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so ****** now I could SCREAM!!!

    Gfgbro brought his daughter over and walked in our home!!! The kids came in to me and locked my door. I have not seen them so scared since Wiz lived here. I was laying down taking a nap and woke to 2 terrified kids. husband was taking a nap on the couch.

    I did not go out because I did not think the kids could handle a screaming match and there is NO WAY gfgbro would have remained calm when I asked him to leave. husband knew that if gfgbro thought he was awake he would insist on telling us what was wrong with us, the kids, our home, our life, the way we breathe, the way we walk, and every other aspect of our lives. So he didn't say a word.

    Gfgbro came and pounded on Jessie's door, started shouting at her to come out right now, that he just wanted to give her her "da.mn" gifts, and then he walked out of the house, mumbling something.

    I guess when I told him I would not see or talk to him again it meant he is allowed to walk right into our home anytime he wants?

    I very much wanted to go rip him a new one, but Jess was heading into a panic attack and thank you wasn't far behind her on that path. I stayed with them instead.

    Gfgbro sat outside our home for a full 5 minutes before he drove off, though I have no idea why.

    thank you is mad at himself. He forgot to lock the door when he came in from playing, otherwise gfgbro would not have been able to come in. We have told him that it is NOT his fault, that a normal person would not walk into someone's house that way after being told not to, or even after not being specifically told it was okay.
     
  2. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Wow, he has some nerve!!! I would send him a email or snail mail that simply states:

    We have requested zero contact with you. You entered our home without our permission or knowledge and upset my children and further, upset myself and husband.
    This letter is to reaffirm for the last time that we are not interested in contact with you in any way.
    I chose to not call the police about your illegal entry into my home.
    This is the last time I shall expect you to respect my requests. The next time your actions will force me to contact police to press formal criminal charges for what is now becoming criminal behaviour
    Signed ......

    And I'd then let it go. He does this stuff to get to you all. He brought a gift as his "in". He got self righteous to YOUR children in YOUR home for not coming out of their bedroom when someone they know is on moms "no way/no contact" list waltzed right into their front door. Enough is enough is what i'd be saying. Then I'd get my blood pressure back to normal, type that letter out and send it on its way. Then I'd let go of my rage at his antics and be prepared to call for assistance if he pulls this stuff in the future.

    Very sorry he won't just go away.
     
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ditto.

    He's obviously not going to make this easy, but maybe he will eventually get the hint.

    Sheesh.
     
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I endorse that letter, except for the "I haven't called the police."

    Call them. Now. Let the police know that you have repeatedly told your brother to have no contact, and he actually walked in uninvited, and your kids' response was to take refuge in your room and lock the door.

    Your kids should feel safe in their own home. Clearly they did not. That is a major invasion not only of their privacy and yours) but of their personal space. he is causing trauma to them, he is adding to their stress. Your kids need to see you take affirmative action, and not knuckle under. letting bro do this with no consequences, shows the kids that their lot in life is to be exploited, nothing can be done. And that is a bad message. So take action, at least enquire from the cops what you should do if this happens again. Let the cops know that this guy is a problem for you and that you are afraid of him.

    Marg
     
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree, Susie. I think you are going to have to reach another level of acceptance here with your bro. You are going to have to decide if you really meant the "no contact" or not and if you did, you are going to have to go to extreme measures to prove it and stick to it, just like I did with my bro. Otherwise he's just going to keep doing things like this. Now, if you really meant that you wanted some space for a while, you handle that differently. If you thought a temporary distance for a while would make him change and treat you differently, in my humble opinion, you can forget that happening.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He will never learn. I am completely sure of that. I firmly believe he has borderline personality disorder. He has many friends that he has known for years who think he is the greatest thing in the world. He has NEVER spent consistent amounts of time with them for any period longer than a couple of months. He is in and out of touch with them, so it is easy to hide his flaws. If several of them get together and talk about him they inevitable end up upset because he has badmouthed them to each other and permanently borrowed things from each of them, saying he cannot return the item because one of the others was helping him and broke it and won't repair it.

    The deputy I spoke to said that this first time there is little that they can do. He can argue that as family we have an 'open door' policy where we just knock and walk in to each others' homes. Even having told him not to come here there have to be several reports unless we can prove that he broke a window or door to get in. They have documented it, and if it happens again, even with our door unlocked, they can charge him then.

    It will cause a HUGE amount of grief and pain for my parents if I press charges. That being known, I am still committed to pressing charges if he does it again. Chances are that he will try it in September, around my birthday, or in November if we all go to Dallas for Jessie's appointment. Either way, I intend to let my parents know that if he doesn't respect my request to not come onto my property then I will press charges.

    When my mother dies he is going to go completely off the rails. If she is incapacitated in any way he is going to be a nightmare to deal with. I will most likely have to press charges several times at that point. I hope and pray it is FAR into the future (in spite of the problems I love her very much and do not look forward to not having her with us!), but husband and I are committed to making sure that whatever her final wishes are, we will do all we can to make sure they are carried out. Even if we have to have gfgbro arrested to do so.

    It has been a rough night. thank you has already had 2 nightmares about Uncle gfgbro attacking and killing us all because we won't clean the house and eat a cake full of nuts that he baked. Jess did have a panic attack when the phone rang a little while ago. I am hoping that they can both get some sleep tonight - without nightmares.

    The nut thing in Tys dream is a result of gfgbro using Jess's birthday as his excuse. I hate most nuts, and all nuts put into baked goods or other dishes. Always have. Gfgbro insists on baking birthday cakes and he makes a big deal about putting nuts in everything - he wants you to know that he spent a lot of money to make the cake. One year he ground pecans up into flour to "prove" that I "like" nuts and am just making a big deal out of not liking them to make everyone feel bad. Every year he insists on making a birthday cake for me - with extra nuts - because he "knows" if I would just try them I would like them. So every birthday thank you gets upset because gfgbro will make a big deal about the nuts in the cake.

    Let me be clear - I have NEVER refused to eat the cake with nuts, even though it makes me gag. I pick out the nuts as best I can. If I eat too many I end up getting sick - in the bathroom, very quietly. If gfgbro sees me picking out the nuts he will make a huge deal out of all the time, effort and money he spent and how "ungrateful" I am. I AM ungrateful. I only take the cake so my parents don't have to deal with a scene. I have NEVER been ugly or failed to say thank you to him - even when I wanted to scream at him.

    That is why thank you was having nightmares about gfbro and nuts. To him that is what happens on bdays when gfgbro is there. I am ashamed of myself for not realizing how upset my kids were and stopping contact long before this.
     
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    :holymoly: Susie, I think it's time for a restraining order. Seriously. The guy is just so far out there it's left me speechless. Marg is absolutely right.
     
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm glad you talked to the police and had it recorded. I didn't expect they would do anything, but it starts the paper trail. You also need to have any letters etc to him copied, so you have a record of having formally notified bro of your requirement for no contact, and the consequences for breaching this.

    So, the steps in order -

    1) Notify bro in writing that since interactions with him have been so upsetting in the past and caused considerable distress, he is not to contact you or any member of your immediate family (specify by name) again. And that contact is every form of contact - no phone calls, no snail mail, no email, no personal appearances. If bro is anywhere you happen to be and doesn't leaved, you will leave. If bro turns up on your turf and bro would have known its your turf, you WILL contact the police. And that you have already contacted the police after his most recent unauthorised entry to your home which caused more needless distress to all occupants.

    2) Set up a block on your email so incoming emails from bro are sidelined into a special mail box and at the same time a warning note appears on your computer alerting you to an unauthorised message; plus a "bounce" message goes back to bro basically saying, "You just breached my formal request for no contact. You have previously been warned in writing to not contact any member of this family by any means ever again. Evidence of your breach of this no-contact request have now been forwarded to the police."

    3) Let your parents know that you are doing this and it is not a game; it is to be taken seriously, your family have endured too much for too long. You do not require your parents to have no contact with him; just to respect your requirement for no contact with him. Any attempt to get around this (especially if the attempts are at bro's instigation) will sadly result in you having to extend your ban to your parents as well. Of course you don't want to be forced into this, but your kids now have to take priority, over badly behaved adults.

    4) Get ready to keep a file. Diarise all events and be detailed as well as comprehensive. Don't let anything slide - your bro is likely to use "salami tactics" (slice by slice, getting past your defences) so have your line drawn in cement, not sand. Go back and also diarise past events. Whenever you feel pressured to relax your rules, read your diary of past issues.

    I have a 'friend' and neighbour who is a lot like your gfgbro. I keep my interactions with this guy to a minimum, so I am less tempted to murder. But I've heard this guy go on about people he's supposed to be working with, and been taken aback by the mind games he admits to playing. He's also been a bit erratic at times with me, got nasty because something was bugging him and I was a handy target to make himself feel better, by trying to make me feel bad about myself (not easy; he probably thought he'd succeeded). He's also very good at antagonising the people he most needs on side. I've noticed that most of his relationships (friends, colleagues, family etc) he tends to erode after a certain point, almost as if he gets bored with too much familiarity. He can deliberately sabotage relationships too, I think that time he blasted me verbally was a perverse attempt to damage my friendship with him. But I didn't take it personally, because I'm sure his spray was saying far more about his own lack of self-esteem plus jealousy of me, than of any real problem he had with me. But I do keep my contact with him to a minimum. It works for me.
    This guy will be extremely obsessed about an activity, he will see it as his ultimate career path. Then if it gets too difficult or he has upset too many people, it can change to being passe, beneath him.

    The difference here is - I can take or leave what my friend says, I have the option of walking away and staying below his radar. But family don't have that option and that luxury. Also, my friend has little to no credibility in the village, so anything he might say about me to anyone wouldn't be heard. Plus he's alienated himself so far, that he has few people prepared to talk to him. I have cut off all information about me of a sensitive nature, so nobody knows anything about me which could be a problem. I did this early on in my friendship with this guy because there was something about him I did not trust; and he proved himself to be untrustworthy.
    Again - this is difficult with family when people will tell other family members stuff you don't want spread around.

    So the final thing you have to do - censor everything you say to anyone who still has dealings with gfgbro. That includes your mother. So any medication changes for your kids, any problems the kids are having, any health scares, any change in phone number, any change in your finances - say nothing. Keep the conversation revolving around your mother's health, you mother's bills, your mother's issues. People generally want to talk about themselves anyway, so it should't be too difficult to get her talking about herself. However, if she is the sort of person to probe a lot anyway, that could be difficult. And if gfgbro is behind the scenes nagging her to find out this or that about you, then again, she will be asking probing questions. Make it clear to her that no information about you or your family is to be passed back to bro.

    I had to go through a similar self-censorship some years ago when a former friend began to gossip nastily about me, attempting to sabotage my reputation. He did it cleverly (married to a lawyer) and for several years, I had to stop confiding in even closest friends. There was a church retreat at the time that I had to remove myself from, because I knew that people would have to share personal stuff and I needed to keep a lot of stuff private. I still might have had my confidentiality respected, but if anything came out, it would be my church friends I would suspect, so I stayed away and continued to shut up.

    It's hard to not confide in people, especially when you have a history of telling them everything. But I found it was a very valuable experience, it taught me to have more confidence in myself and my own abilities to think things through without always using other people as a sounding board.

    You've made a decision with gfgbro. Now you have to show your kids what it means to follow through.

    Marg
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Marg, you are exactly right. I am more upset now than I was when he was here.

    While he was here I chose to stay with the children behind a locked door. Because of all of the times Jessie had to go lock herself in a room when Wiz was raging, she heads straight into a panic attack if she has to be in a room with a locked door because something is going on. Tyler was also heading that way. If I had gone out to the living room to speak to gfgbro it would have ended up being a very ugly scene. My kids couldn't handle it. My niece was there and it wouldn't have done anything good for her either. I may have seemed 'stronger' if I had gone out and confronted him, but I think my kids needed me to stay calm and stay with them far more than I care about how gfgbro perceived my actions.

    Last night was awful. thank you was up about every 1 1/2 to 2 hours with a nightmare about gfgbro hurting him. Jessie couldn't fall asleep because every time she started to she would think she heard him at the door. She finally fell asleep about 5 am. She just woke up in a panic, thrashing around because she had a nightmare where gfgbro was searching for her and when he found her he started screaming and beating her and then he turned into Wiz beating her. She was almost hysterical when she woke up. She was thrashing so much she pulled a muscle in her back and shoulder area - of course it is on the side that she needs to have a crutch on because she twisted her ankle coming back to me when gfgbro got here. She is grounded for the day. She can go to the bathroom or she can sit in the recliner and nap or rest. Period. (She cannot lay flat to sleep because other issues.)

    If I thought I could get away with it I would go strangle him to within an inch of his life and then beat him bloody. I won't because it would solve nothing and create far more stress for my kids, but the idea is tempting!!!
     
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You are right, it wouldn't solve anything. It would also be working back down at is level. It would also put you in the villain role and give him justification to claim to be the victim.

    However, there are better ways.

    Get the stress level and the trauma level documented by the psychiatrists. All measures taken, all medical expenses - keep all the information with a view to making a financial claim. Of course he won't pay it, but it needs to be made clear, he has caused trauma (whether he intended to or not) and even if all he was doing was dropping in on his sister to give his niece a birthday present, the issue is THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS PERCEIVED.

    I saw a doctor once for a routine pap smear; I was a young,single uni student who was an innocent abroad. The doctor (male) seemed a bit too "enthusiastic" in is work, wanting to test for "normal clitoral sensation" among other things. I was a virgin on the PIll for bad period pain.

    Next time I had to go to that clinic, I requested a female doctor. I just happened to get the head of the clinic, who is now a big name in family planning. She asked me for details and I told her. I also said I hadn't wanted to make a fuss or loudly object, because he might not have intended to do the wrong thing and could have said it was just my dirty mind. What she said next has stuck with me - "It doesn't matter if the doctor was simply doing his job; if YOU felt uncomfortable, he was doing the wrong thing. You always have the right to ask him to stop. You always have the right to have someone else with you. And you always have the right to have a sheet over you during an examination, he should not have had you totally naked on the table."

    Looking back, I think I must have accidentally send "I want you" messages to the do, because he said he wanted to do a breast check as well as a pap smear, and I gritted my teeth and stripped off, not knowing I should have asked for privacy and a sheet. I am sure if he had been questioned he would have said I had apparently "asked for it" but as the supervising doctor said later - I was an innocent, he was the professional. It was his job to tell me how I should behave in that situation, his job to say, "here is a gown, here is a sheet, here is a curtain behind which you can undress."
    And if he had suspected I was possibly making a pass at him, it was his job to call in a nurse to supervise and act as his witness that he was doing nothing wrong.

    It is possible, in a situation that seems a bit "grey" (as in this case, when your bro can claim he was just family dropping in on his niece for her birthday) to never forge, that the important thing here is NOT his actual intentions, not even his stated intentions, but the impact from what he has done.

    Let's say your bro is your most favourite person in the whole world. He has brought his niece a birthday present - a pet spider! He believes she will love it, since HE loves spiders. But she has just recently been badly bitten by a spider (unknown to him) and the sight of her large, hairy birthday present causes her to regress into serious PTSD. She runs in panic, runs through the closed glass door and cuts herself badly. Who is financially responsible for her medical bills?

    Culpability is tricky to work out, but as you peel away the players, it becomes more apparent. Your bro is NOT your most favourite person, you have told him and previously made it clear - do not visit!
    Your kids have already been traumatised. Their reactions on that day show the damage done BY HIM previously.
    Your behaviour at the time of his visit show that you were consistent with your previous "no contact" request and that he was not welcome (therefore was trespassing).
    The result from all this is a considerable increase in trauma from the kids.

    So it doesn't matter what bro claims. There was enough there, including previous warnings, that this would be cause for action on your part. He cannot claim that this is a surprise, or that he had no idea it would cause tis mush fear and distress - why should yo be afraid of him? The issue is, you ARE. and IT DID.

    You have some legal rope to throttle him with. Use it and enjoy it. Considering how much he has tried to control you, using the legal rope is a way for you to become empowered.

    Marg
     
  11. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm proud of you for calling the police and starting the paper trail. He obviously won't honor your request to leave your family alone and I don't see you have any choice but to take it to the next level. Gentle hugs. I know this must be so hard.
     
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Susie, I think Marg's advice is excellent. If you can take him down through legal channels it will demonstrate to him that you're serious, he will get into a lot of trouble if he persists, and your children will see you standing up for and protecting yourself and them.

    I am so sorry for all the trauma your gfgbro has caused you and your family. You just don't need this. Sending many hugs to all of you.

    Trinity
     
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