Nancy,
I think the fact that someone at that facility was able to reach her and allow her to make her own decision to stay is saying good things about this place AND your daughters frame of mind. I mean a month ago she wouldnt' have been sober enough to make that kind of decision for herself so this is a good thing. Having to talk about it in front of a group? That's got to be pretty soul sharing for her. One thing I have learned with Dude over the years in therapy (for me) was that the things that he did that nearly tore me apart, and literally almost killed me weren't directed at me. Give me a second to try and help you, because at this point I'm more worried about you dear than her.
See....(pauses and smiles - pats hand) YOU and I, and everyone here love our kids - that's a given. We dislike them to the point of near hatred and sometimes just wish them away to some desolate island or alternate dimension where they behave or never have problems. Oh what a plane of existance that would be huh? (exhale just thinking about it, I do) You know the place; the one in your mind where they're safe, they grow up and make minor bad decisions. Not a near Beaver Cleaver life, but nothing like the one they've put themselves through. Then you re-read the last sentence I wrote after the word but - and...did you get it? Nothing like the one THEY have put THEMSELVES through. It's been one of the hardest things in my life to separate Dudes choices from my parenting abilities. I continually saw one as the other and of course the outcome of those decisions a direct effect on MY life, MY heart, MY psyche. Mostly MY - whatever I allowed it to bother. Until one day I realized that WE HAD separate lives. Didn't mean I wasn't his Mom anymore. Didn't mean I didn't love him anymore. Didn't mean that I didn't hurt when HE hurt anymore, or was less of a parent for doing so, or would be less of a person or detach to the point of not caring, or him thinking I wasn't there for him. It just meant I gave him permission to grow up any way he was fit. Permission to screw it all up despite MY thoughts on "I think if I stayed in your life you would be, you could do, you would go."
I talk about the death of a dream a lot here, being so hard for me. I sarcastically joke that I don't have any dreams left - that's not accurate at all. Matter of fact since I have let go? I have a whole new set of dreams for myself regarding my son. Has he made some REALLY, REALLY (can I put to the 10th power here?) bad decisions for himself? Has he nearly died? Yes. Twice in six months - three times if you count fist fighting with the Daddy Disney. Am I ready to loose another son? No - would I do anything to save him? Yes. Should I? Well, see that's the question I had to ask myself. Ultimately the answer was no. Many would disagree - but the outcome would be the same regardless if I'm dead or not. If he's determined to die - he's going to do it whether I'm here or not. My obligation to myself and my family is to take care of myself. Sounds very vein and selfish, but it is not. It's actually the best thing you can do for them. It sets an example for them, that you SHOULD always take care of yourself, you should not allow someone elses stress and problems to take over your life, that their problems are best worked out on their own; as are yours with family support and love.
The worry that you are putting yourself through over this child? I'm worried as your friend for you. YOU need to take a minute and worry about Nancy. My niece is in a place where she is either going to GET HELP or Check herslf out. If she WANTS help? She's going to stay. SHE has to want it. You know this. Worrying yourself sick about it isnt' going to help YOU or HER. If she checks herself out then you need to come to terms with that possibility now in your mind and realize that it is HER life, HER future, HER choice, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. Yes you love her, YES you wish the best for her, YES you are her Mom and you did a FANTASTIC job raising her!!!! Give yourself some credit woman!!!!!!!!! I do. You've been a wonderful friend - a fantastic wife - a loyal......very loyal Browns fan.......
it's time you let difficult child be on her own in her own mind, in her own thoughts, actions, deeds, abilities, trials. Remember you raised a smart kid - Let her show you. Let her show herself. I think she just did. I'm VERY PROUD OF HER.
WHhhhhhoooo HOooooooo FOR HER!!!! Now how about some WoooooooooooHOOOOOOOO for our Nancy!
