Need Some Advice ASAP :[

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SeaGenieTx, Aug 1, 2015.

  1. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I've done everything I possibly could do to raise my only son to be a good person. Since he graduated high school he has not accomplished anything, made no effort to become independent, went to jail for pot 3 times and had done nothing but party. His drivers license has been suspended until Jan 2015 so that's his excuse to do nothing and wait until he can drive again - then he'll find a job, etc.

    In the meantime this 23 year old adult has been lying to me, drinking & drugging with a large group of friends, broken up with his trashy girlfriend a million times (she is 19 and about as intelligent as a box of rocks - she thinks she is a witch and wears all the witchcraft symbols, etc.). It's a joke. She and her mom finally moved away to another city but she comes back and visits my son constantly. They take Greyhound buses back & forth.

    Today I've finally come to the end. My son was recently given $26K as part of an inheritance from his late father's family. Bad move.

    Part of this money was to buy a new car, pay off his attorneys fees, credit card debt and cell phone bill. My son has been blowing this money as fast as he can. This was deposited in a joint savings account that has my name on it - account was opened just for him to deposit the $26K in. His other accounts were closed due to being overdrawn. So I can see how fast he is draining this money out - he is taking out $200 at a time, he's been ordering t-shirts and crap on the internet, black lights and black light posters, went and bought a new $700 iPhone, spending it on food with friends, alcohol, clubs, etc.

    Last night he and his trashy girlfriend left to go to a party. Hidden in one of his drawers I found a empty box for a whip it's container. Luckily I know what that is for due to the news recently having a segment on inhalants. I called my son and told him to come home asap and pack his **** and move out. He and his girlfriend arrived pretty quickly and she took the blame saying it was hers and my son didn't do that. My son was high, drunk, on something when he came home. His eyes were droopy, he was slurring his words but he was very calm and he let me yell at him and lecture him (which if he was sober he'd be screaming back at me and being a smart ***. His stupid girlfriend sat there taking the blame and I said to her "Are you that stupid to inhale that s**t knowing you are blowing your brains out?" Stupid girl went on to say it was all her fault, she didn't know what she was thinking...". My son then says "mom its not that bad to do whip its". I yelled at him '"Are you friggin kidding me?!!! My God you are as stupid as they come!... all your pot smoking & whip-its inhaling has totally fried the intelligence section of your brain!".

    I made my son pack his suitcase and leave. Being wasted at the time he packed he had no clue what he was packing - he was weaving back and forth grabbing whatever he could grab, I asked for his house key back but he couldn't find it. His girlfriend got scared and left. I told him to go so he left.

    Later last night I looked at his girlfriends Instagram account (my son has me blocked but I made a fake account and have access to hers) and she posted a picture about 2 hours later last night of someone's kitchen table. On this table is a big inhalant canister, a box that says "50 whip it cartridges", a pot pipe, beer, vodka and my son's arm pouring a mixed drink. So after all the lying to my face... what did those two idiots do? Go to someone's house and party with inhalents, pot and booze.

    My son will be 24 next year. He has accomplished nothing. He has worked retail jobs here and there but either quit or got fired. He was in Special Education classe in high school for attention disorders. There was always something off about him that teachers noticed but he graduated high school.

    Ive raised him alone with no support. I taught him morals and manners, how to budget money, do laundry, cook, clean, pay bills...everything needed for independence. To no avail. He is clueless about life. Its just a matter of time before he lands back in jail.

    I'm done. I withdrew $7500 from his chunck of money in our joint account and put it in my savings. This is for the last year he has lived me. This is what he owes me for his half of rent, electric, internet, maid service (me) and food.

    The locksmith is coming at 3p today to rekey my locks. I have cancelled my life insurance policy worth $500K with him as sole beneficiary. If I die he can cremate me for cheap with the money he will get from my work life ins. policy.

    I'm so mad totally betrayed by the constant lies... Ive had enough. He will not have access to my house again. So I need advice. Is there anything else I need to do to protect myself?

    He will wait until Monday when he thinks I am at work and try to come home. He will discover I have changed the locks then eventually see I have moved $7500 out of our account (in which I will send him a detailed invoice for his expenses for the past 12 months).
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Genie, you did what you had to do. I think it's time to start focusing on you and not your son, who is NOT making himself useful, or that girlfriend of his. But be careful. Does he ever get violent? You say you live alone. It may be good to have somebody (a man hopefully) meet you when you come in your house to get inside if he tends to act out physically. Keep ALL your locks locked and be safe. I would also buy a lock box for all your monetary stuff and take the key to work with you in case he breaks in and, if he does, call the police right away. If you own firearms and he knows where they are, lock them up.

    It may not be a bad idea to spend the first days while he is most angry and in shock that you stood up against him with family, friends, or even a domestic abuse shelter so he has nowhere to assault you. You know your son best. You know if he will lose it and what he could do, especially when high or maybe even sober.

    We understand. Be very careful and very alert in these early days and don't let him come back. There is no excuse for what he does and he does not seem on the pathway to getting help.
     
  3. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Oh and let me add this.... I've kicked him out before but never changed the locks. It was the holidays and I felt bad and let him come back. I was too weak back then and believed his lies, him being the only family I got - it just killed me and I caved.

    Now I'm wiser, I've adjusted to him being gone and ready for him to get out of my house. I am one pissed off momma. He has zero respect for me, I'm showing him the same. I've been detaching since last time and now I'm ready to follow thru because I can't take this anymore and I do not want to enable him. He needs to face hardship and wake up. Mom is no longer supporting him and giving him free rent. I'm done with the drug abuse, lies and watching him sit around and do nothing but get wasted.
     
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I don't know if you can touch his inheritance. That may have been illegal on your part. Him having to leave is totally justified.
     
  5. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Thank you SomewhereOutThere - great advice on the firearms and valuables. If he wants any of his stuff my plan is to meet him in public at the Starbucks/Bookstore down the street. He can then give me a list, I will pack and set outside the front door - he can pickup whenever. Once I get my locks changed at 3P today I will feel safer. I'm in an upstairs townhome and a Sheriff's Constable who lives in my neighborhood is nearby (he was the person who arrested my son the 1st time). I just don't want my son having any more access to my home, especially while I am at work.
     
  6. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    His inheritance was deposited in a joint account with both of our names on it - he deposited in there because his other bank accounts were closed due to NSF. This is an account I had to open for him to put this money in. It was originally a savings account but due to his excessive transfers and withdrawals the bank has now switched it to a checking account.I can deposit/withdraw from this account legally as he can. The money is being held so he doesn't blow it with the intent that is expenses he owes me for the past year. When he proves to be responsible and needs it for medical, auto, school - then I'll reimburse him. I have no plans on spending it - I have plenty of my own money.
     
  7. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    You're doing great. I am impressed. Keep it up. And be prepared for some backwards sliding if he does decide to change. It takes a while...
     
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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Genie, I'm so sorry you have been going through such a chaotic time with your son. It was very brave of you to kick him out, good job.
    I think you have a good grip on the need to detach.
    The only advice I would add is perhaps you can install a video camera outside your home. If he does show up you will have him on video.
    I hope you will be able to find some peace now that he is out of your home.
     
  9. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You have to focus on you. His "friends" will drain him of all his money in no time. Then he might be desperate to get the $7500. You might want to check with a lawyer about the money. You don't want to be the one sitting in jail while he and his friends ransack your house.
     
  10. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    DoneDad - yea, I thought about it and transferred the money back. I don't need it - just wanted to keep him from blowing it but I'm tired of saving him and trying to prevent his bad decisions. Trying to save him from his mistakes hasn't worked in the past. I'm going to get my name taken off the account period. He will drain the money fast, overdraw it then I'm stuck with fees and a negative on my credit history.

    Got my locks changed so I feel much safer. Outside video cam isn't a bad idea. And I'm going to tell the Sheriff's Constable that patrols my neighborhood to keep an eye on my place. Many times he sits on my street to watch speeders so I'll talk to him.

    Ok - now I gotta be strong and stick to my guns - he can play this game pretty well and will "gaslight" me by twisting it to be all of my fault. My son will tell me how when I need help he will not be there for me, how he did nothing wrong - it was everyone else doing the whipits - not him. How he can't do anything because his license is suspended. I'm crazy, delusional, a stalker because I check he and his friends social media, etc.

    I'm ready for it this time. He won't manipulate me ever again. I've just got to train my mind not to worry. He is my only family and I will wake up at night wondering if he's alive, in jail, homeless, drugged out.... He runs with a big circle of friends. Two friends from this large group have died from drug overdoses. And these two were bright kids from upper class families attending good colleges.

    Thank you to all who responde to this - it's extremely hard on me since I have no family and my son is it. Now I feel I've lost him. I can just pray and hope kicking him out straightens him up a bit and he doesn't end up dead of an overdose or back in jail. Last night I saw him pretty wasted and he looked just like my brother who died from alcoholism. It killed me to see him slurring words, weaving and all disheveled. Plus he had hickies on his neck - at 23 years old, how immature.

    Ok - I need to rest and clear my head. Please chime in if anyone has other advice - thank you for being here for me.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Gene, stop letting him talk to you about it. If he starts, warn him "I don't wish to discuss this. If you do I'll have to hang up/leave the room, etc.) AND DO IT. As soon as he looks or sounds angry with one word, the conversation is over. You don't have anything to say that he hasn't heard and disregarded and he hasn't said anything to you that doesn't lie, abuse you or make you feel guilty. The time for talking was long ago. Same for texting. Don't respond. Put your phone in a drawer if tempted. Block the girlfriend. She isn't even your kid. Stop looking at his FB. There is nothing there you'll want to see. They use FB to bash and abuse us when we won't talk to them. Don't be fooled.

    Tell him he can call you only with boundaries...if he wants to talk about generic topics, the weather, your well being (hahaha) and anything that is not relating to his or your behavior, you will happy to have a conversation. As soon as the topic becomes about you or him, or he raises his voice or cusses, you have to get the door...good-bye.
     
  12. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    My son spent the weekend with his girlfriend, called me today to see if I had "calmed down" and whether he needed to come get his stuff and find another place to live. I had to remind him of my previous discussion - that if he wanted to meet at Starbucks and give me a list of stuff he wants, I would then box his stuff up for him and set it outside (at a time convenient for ME) and then he could pick it up. He said he didn't want me in his room throwing things away and I said it wasn't his room anymore that it's going to be my office and I can do what I want. I will not throw anything away but I will pack it up and he can get it.

    He then started with his gaslighting and he tried putting it all on me saying the whipits were not his - they were his girlfriends, how he did nothing wrong, yadda yadda. I cut the convo short, told him if he was stupid to hang out with people who do inhalants he lost all priviledges to live in my home. I said he was free to do as he pleased and when he wanted his things (and I repeated the above)... He said he didn't need anything now, he'd be gone a few days (staying at his girlfriends & her mom's house 2 hours away). I said "Ok, talk to you later!" and hung up.

    I'm so glad I changed the locks or otherwise he'd come by while I was at work. Its such a huge relief to have done that.

    Still its breaking my heart. I've lost the son I used to know. When he got his money we talked of taking a trip to the Florida Keys - he'd pay his half. We used to take trips all the time until 3-4 years ago when he started smoking pot. His whole personality changed. He became defensive, disrespectful, argumentative and refused to help with or do chores. He and this girlfriend of his fight constantly and he talks so disrespectful to her calling her names. I told him I did not raise my son to treat women like that. His girlfriend just sat there like a deer in headlights and my son says "Oh we always talk that way to each other". I looked at her and said "Do you not have any self esteem?". Obviously not - she is 19 and clueless.

    He has his money so he won't be destitute. His girlfriend and her mom can enable him - maybe he will just stay there and live with them. That won't last long though - he and his girlfriend fight too much.

    Now I am focusing on me. I need to get out and meet new people, make new friends and start dating again. Any ideas how to meet new people? I'm 52.
     
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Skip doing stuff "to meet people".
    Find activities or causes that you are passionate about - things that you can make as major pillars in your life. Then, devote time and effort there. You will enjoy yourself just being involved.

    And THEN, because you are honestly enjoying yourself, and are around other people with similar passion for the same activity/cause, you will end up with friends. You don't need to try to make friends - it just happens. If you try too hard, it drives people away.
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If you're looking for romance u can start with something like match.com. just be careful. I found it ha rd to make new actual friends aft error 50. The best luck I had was at a church bible study that somebody told me was friendly (even though my religious beliefs differed from there's) and volunteering. But people can be set in their relationships as the get older. That said, insane Canadians words are wise. Get out there and have fun and good things are bound to happen regarding new friends.
     
  15. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing great. Just be warned that at some point, after your anger has subsided, you may hit a point where the grief process kicks in. If you can get involved with an Al-Anon group or something similar that may help.

    As for making friends, I highly recommend looking at local groups on Meetup.com. There are groups for about any interest you could think of: hiking, movies, board games, sewing, reading, wine, travel, social causes, etc. You sign up on line, and just show up at events. It's a great way to meet like-minded individuals in a relaxed setting - the friends I am closest to now I mostly met in groups from that site about 7-8 years ago. I even run my own Meetup group now :)
     
  16. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Its great that you cut the conversation short but don't give him any more advice unless he asks for it and don't tell him how he is screwing up his life. He is a grown man even if he isn't acting like one. Treat him as such so he wont have a legitimate reason to complain about how you are treating him. You aren't telling him anything new so stop saying it.
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree to stop talking to him. What you are saying is giving him further reason to say to you that you are not nice. OH, I know it's out of frustration and love. And we all probably do it sometimes. But it's best not to give him any more fodder to throw at you. "Yes" "No" and silence do the trick quite well and your heart is not racing so fast when you stop the conversation.

    Our goal, I hope, is peace of mind, in spite our difficult adult children and what they say to us. Let them. They are on drugs or disordered. We can take the higher road and be still.

    Hugs for your hurting heart and I meant no criticism. We have all been there.
     
  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi!

    Welcome, Sea,

    None of our kids ever used drugs, you know.

    They are all 'holding them for a friend'.

    Who were holding them for THEIR friend, who were holding them for THEIR friend and so on.

    (yeah, right)

    Drugs cause SO much misery.

    I would start preparing how you are going to respond when he runs out of money and wants to return to your home.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LOL! Yes. "I'm holding them for a friend." Memories!
     
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