First, let me welcome you to the board.
If she were my daughter, she'd already be home, with very close supervision and very little freedom. I'd be dragging her to dv group counseling meetings and to a therapist. There would be no argument.
At this point, there is her career or there is her life. Which one is more important?
The other responses were great and appropriate for an adult. But this is a 17 year old
child. It is a parent's job to protect their child from harm, even if that child doesn't want to be protected. She would be home with no phone, no cell, no internet, no means to contact him whatsoever. She be attending dv counseling and therapy.
No, you won't be popular. No she is not going to like you very much for a good long while. But you just might have a slim chance of preventing her from throwing her life away.
Katie's husband was in his mid 20's when he sank his claws into her at the age of 14. Her biomom was too afraid of alienating her to step in and put a stop to the relationship. Katie is now 32, 3 kids, spent from the age of 18 on living on the streets never knowing where her or the kids next meal was coming from.......and that is most likely the high point of the relationship. She attempted to break free from him while pregnant with Alex.......was back with him shortly after his birth.
Sure, she may run back to him at 18. But at that point, it's on her, you've done all you could do. And I'm doubting after couseling (even if she just sits there and pouts) she'll be very eager to run back, especially if it is the dv counseling with other dv females present. Unfortunately.......I've never been able to get as far as katie going to a dv meeting.
During their teen years, Nichole's husband was very manipulative and abusive. I tried the routine one takes with an adult and got nowhere fast......it just gave him more time. Fed up, I forbid him in our home or even on the property. (interesting as by then they had Aubrey and he had visitation) He couldn't even call here. Nichole could see him......away from the house. She asked me why I did that and I told her because his treatment of her was disrespectful, abusive, and pure manipulation and that he was not going to be allowed back until he could treat her with proper respect and kindness. I don't think either took me serious, but after a couple of months when I refused to relent........Nichole began to realize his behavior for what it was and stopped letting him get away with it. It was a long drawn out process.........let me tell you..........but I don't see near as much manipulation, and when he tries 9 times out of 10 she tromps on it, and the abuse has stopped to my knowledge. And it took him about a year to be allowed back onto the property.
So why did I do that? Because it hit me one day that by just telling her that what he was doing was wrong wasn't enough. By letting him in the house ect, I was allowing him to disrespect and abuse my child........and that was the message I was sending her (although that was the furthest thing from my mind) AND him. Once I stopped, it made her look at his behavior differently.
Nichole's situation is a bit more complicated than yours as she was living at home and was pregnant before I even realized her now husband was abusive, as his main tactic was to turn it around so everyone believed it was Nichole (including Nichole). By that point it was impossible to tell her she couldn't have contact with the father of her child.
I dunno. I can't tell you what you should do or what is right for your situation. All I can do is tell you what I'd do based on my experience with 2 girls with abusive and controlling boyfriend's....who are now their husbands. One is worse than ever, the other cleaned up his act for the most part.
An awful situation for a parent to be in. But with the distance........the fact that the boyfriend didn't even think about following her to the new job opportunity......you might have a chance to put an end to this before god forbid she comes up pregnant and has to stay tied to him forever. Maybe exactly what she needs is for mom and dad to swoop in and rescue her, followed up by some really good therapy to help her figure out what attracted her to him in the first place or made her even consider putting up with such behavior.
(((hugs)))