Not sure what to make of this...What do you all

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Aug 14, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member


    I have read along with Janet and SWC. My calls are different now.

    This morning my son called and said he knew God put him where he is to save his life. He said if he stayed doing the same things he was doing before he would end up in prison.
    He also said he could no longer be around ANY of the people he had been around.

    He said he needed to sit and talk with me, that he has things he needs to tell me and that our relationship has not been what it should.

    He also asked if I would go to church with him when he was released? He said he needed someone to push him that he didn't want to go back to the way he was. He said he was with his dad because he had no other place to be and he didn't want to go back.

    He asked if he could come home and I said the last time was the Last time we were trying it. I said I will stand by my word and help you but you have to show me you want to change not just tell me.

    I told him I couldn't come to visit sun because I had a barrel race all weekend, he understood (usually, I would hear you care about them more than me)

    He said he loved me and asked when I wanted him to call back, I just said later this week.

    Now, am I dealing with the master of charm and he is telling me everything I want to hear

    or, is it possible he is seeing the error of his ways?

    What do you all think?

  2. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    My difficult child, N* has been home (Juv Det-3 weeks, then Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)-90 days) for four weeks. I heard all about God and going to church while she was away from home. No such interest once at home. I heard about how she wanted to work on our relationship while away from home. She lies to me as much now as she did before. She's not any better at it, but thinks she is. What she did learn while away? -- the names, phone numbers, Myspace, Facebook, IM addresses of all sorts of new troublemakers.

    I hope for your sake he's seeing the error of his ways, but don't count on it until you see changes he makes because he wants to, not because he has to.

    N* will be 18 in 10 months. I look for her to leave, move in with a boyfriend, and become a very young mother. *sigh*
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I don't have children in this situation, however I've lived it most of my life with my father and other family members. The thing that leaps to mind when I read this is: actions speak louder than words. You won't know until he proves it to you.

    My mommy heart was torn reading this. I can only imagine how you feel.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Hmmm, how long will he be there? Maybe God does have a plan for him, but God's plans aren't usually painless. I'd be supportive, and allow for plans to be made when it's more practical to make plans. No reason to fight over something that hasn't happened yet!
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    What is the saying? Remain cautiously optimistic?

    You are doing the right thing, standing by your insistence that he not come home. Tell him that his living there was a privilege that he lost, but can eventually earn back if he so chooses.

    It is not unheard of for someone to see the light when they are in a less than savory situation. I was not in prison, but when I was in a DV shelter almost 4 years ago, that is when I got clean this last time. And it was one of those fall on my knees, pray to God, watch the heavens split open above moments. Seriously, this was a major "spiritual awakening". Of course I was 34, not 17. Not that it can't happen...I'm just saying...

    Be safe. You have come SO far. Stand back, and let him do his thing. Do not patronize him if he does not stick to what he said he would do.

    He will be in my prayers that he does, however.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Traci, I guess I'm the cynic in this group. It's amazing how many of our kids find religion or have other remarkable insights while they are incarcerated...only to "forget" everything once they are out again. :hammer:

    I don't believe words, I believe actions. One conversation doesn't make a convert. Nor do two. I wouldn't make too much out of this...I would watch him and watch what he <u>does</u> instead.


  7. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks for your replies! I only have a second before leaving for work..

    He did say don't worry about me I am fine....

    Not making any decisions but, I am leaning toward asking him to contact the Canaan land program.

    What ever time he has to serve, he could work out a year of it there.

    He has to want it and work toward it. But I believe it would help him.

    One year program. He works and gets a certifiable trade. They grow their own food and have a self supporting community of men trying to make a change in their lives.

    It is not a subsitute for jail, but they work with the court system.

    I'm thinking of mailing the info and just seeing what he does with it.

    I have suggested it before only to be told he wouldn't give up a whole year of his life to the program....I will see if it has changed.

    Thanks guys, I really don't know what I would do with out you all

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What is the saying...they all find religion in

    Im a cynic too along with Suz.

    Im not getting these phone calls yet but Cory is trying everything else under the sun. Im sure he will find religion Right now he is trying to bully me again which I find incredibly amusing. Just why he thinks yelling at me on the phone is going to make me want to hop in the car and run to his aid is beyond me.....funny funny boy!

    I do find his thought processes incredibly telling which is why I listen to him.
  9. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    :angel: Traci, I experienced this very same thing when my difficult child was in jail. He had been in longer than your son before I started hearing it, tho. Yours has been in less than a week? Mine was in for about 4 months before he started sharing his thoughts about God.

    I will tell you this: After he started praying, things changed INSTANTLY. I mean his whole attitude shifted from Blame to Gratitude and Humility. He had Huber priviledges, and he began going to AA Meetings. Within a month of that, he landed a full-time job. He remains a steadfast employee there, over a year after his release.

    YES, remain cautiously optimistic. STAY detached!!! BUT, now you can allow yourself a glimmer of hope. Careful, timid hope, but hope all the same. I also did not allow my difficult child to come home, it was a moot point as he was already employed and had ample funds for an apartment to rent, etc. But I believe I still would have stuck to my guns on that one, and I think you should, too.

  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I would remain cautious. There is nothing wrong with talking to him and giving him your love and support as long as you are comfortable with it. You can give him the chance to prove he's serious when he gets out. Go to church with him, spend time with him, but do not let him move back home. He needs to prove he can be a responsible adult and then you can have a healthy relationship with him. Keep your guard up and if you find he's not serious, then you can back off. let him know the ball is in his court he just needs to decide how to play it.
  11. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I think "cautiously optimistic" with the accent on the cautiously part is what is called for here.

    My older difficult child "found God" while he was in a group home. He did much better for awhile but did backslide some when he came home. I don't think it was a conscious effort at misleading people on his part. I think he really did believe what he said while he was there but when he got back and found old friends and began to fall back into old ways, that just didn't seem so important any more.

    I know that God can change our lives. I also know that a lot of people who are in desperate circumstances fall back on God but then forget him/her/it when the circumstances are no longer so desperate.

    I hope this is a real awakening for your son. You are right in not trusting it completely but, as mothers, we hope for anything that will help our kids so we have to, cautiously, grasp at whatever straw comes along. At this point, it seems that it should be up to him to prove himself. You can be supportive without caving in on what you've said in the past. As time goes by, you will begin to see the REAL motiviation here. Let's hope it is a good one.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Suz</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Traci, I guess I'm the cynic in this group. It's amazing how many of our kids find religion or have other remarkable insights while they are incarcerated...only to "forget" everything once they are out again. :hammer:

    I don't believe words, I believe actions. One conversation doesn't make a convert. Nor do two. I wouldn't make too much out of this...I would watch him and watch what he <u>does</u> instead.



    Nah, I'm a cynic too. :wink: But he's warm and dry, and says that he is wants to make a plan. There's nothing that anyone can act upon while he's in jail. It's a good time to take a breath, I think. Let him prove himself, and begin to plan when he makes it out of prison.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I see no reason not to encourage him. Whether it is from the heart or not, only God knows. Obviously we humans aren't meant to judge the sincerity of others beliefs. on the other hand he is a young 18
    and needs emotional support to search for a life path. Knowing
    the facts that (1) you will always love him and (2) you believe
    he has the power to change his life...should make it easier for
    him to refocus. Only time will tell when he can find success.
    Hugs. DDD
  14. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Now is the time when you need to shift gears. This time will be painful, too. What you want to do I think, is focus on the outcome. Moving home again puts your son back under the influences that got him where he is, now.

    So, until he is strong enough to steer his own course, moving home is not a good idea.

    There is no punishment in that, and there is no judgment in it, either. Just a cold look at the facts.

    That was always the hardest part for me.

    Looking at the facts.

    I like the Canaan idea very much.

    Your son needs a challenge as harsh as the challenge he will face on the streets in his own hometown.

    Successful completion of that program will give him the strength to confront the challenges coming for him once this part is over.

    We always believed our son would find it easy to snap out of it ~ somehow, we believed the life we had envisioned for him would be draw enough to help him resist the kind of life he had been living.

    By the time we understood that wasn't going to happen, it was too late.

    I wish I had been tougher, wish I had envisioned each change I needed to see before I would help, even in a small way, so that I could know there was a process, and we were in it. I wish I had steeled myself to turn my son away until I did see those changes.
    As it was, we were so grateful for any smallest ray of hope that we (our son too, I think) refused to believe the power drugs have to reach back in and squeeze the life out of you.

    There was a time when I condemned our son for his part in what happened to all of us. Now though, I get it that drug use gets a hold on you, somewhere inside where you just can't see it.

    I agree with BBK that however hard the person may try, it takes more than love, takes more than our families or our dreams of best, future selves, to beat it.

    So, that's what I have to say this morning.

    Continue with the barrel racing, continue to strengthen your marriage and to steel yourself for what will be a long, hard road ahead for your son.

    Tell him it is going to be tougher than he thinks to turn things around, but that you believe in him, and that you know he can do it.

    And he can do it.

    Our role as parents of addicted kids is to not give in to that wish to make things easier for them.

    What happened to our kids isn't an easy thing.

    Watching your son go through what is coming next and believing in him for him when he cannot believe in himself is going to be hellish.

    But I think if you are prepared for it (as Pony was prepared), then your son stands a really good chance of coming back from this and putting his life back together.

    (Cheesh! Rereading this posting, you would think I had everything all together, over here. I don't mean to sound that way. If I could go back and do it all again though, I would wish for the kind of advice I have been so free with this morning. :smile:

    Sorry for the preachy, pretentious tone of the posting, Traci.

  15. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Ant is always closer to God in jail.. heck he knows God is in there with him and he is finally quiet enough to hear God.

    when he gets out he goes to church a time or two then stops again. the world takes over.

    enjoy the peace and encourage him.
  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    cont me in as a cnic too. While I think he truly means what he says the proof is in the doing. Encourage and support but don't go back to what things were. -RM
  17. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    RM ~ One thing I know for sure - We could never go back to the
    way it was before.

    CJ ~ Yes, I sadly have lived thru many broken promises ~ Thank
    goodness I learned to run here with my questions.

    Heather ~ I agree, he has to prove it!

    BBK ~ Thank you for sharing part of your life. It means alot!
    He lost the right to ever live here again. I told him the
    last time was it ~ I have to stand by my word

    Suz ~ AGREE ~ Show me, don't tell me

    Dammit ~ I had to cut the raising his voice calls off. It was
    hard enough listening to the message to accept the
    collect call knowing it was my son in jail

    Pony ~ Gosh I needed to hear that! thank you for sharing. I
    keep the hope and try my best to stay detached.

    Karen ~ I agree, he needs to prove himself. I need to be careful
    and not let myself get sucked in.

    Mutt ~ I have those same doubts of him being able to stay away
    from the 'ole difficult child buddies

    Witz ~ If I understand it right, part of his sentence can be
    done at Canaan Land, so he would need to contact and get
    on the list so the judge will see it.

    Ant's mom ~ Maybe being locked up is the only time they are
    still and quiet enough to hear God.

    DDD ~ I am trying to find that fine line between emotional
    support and detaching...

    Barbara ~ You don't sound preachy ~ you sound sincere and honest

    The hardest thing of all ~ (you summed it up!)

    "Our role as parents of addicted kids is to not give in to that wish to make things easier for them"

    It is our first reaction and we have to teach our selves to rethink what our reactions to them are, while all along remembering to continue to react to the other's in our lives as we should.

    I am so thankful to have you all to turn to! There is not a soul in my life I would turn to for advice other than you all.

    I can be honest here and say my son is in jail. That is something I have yet to do outside of here....

  18. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    I haven't been through this one yet, but my son is also good at saying what he thinks everyone wants to hear. I agree with everyone, be cautiously optimistic.