Karen, there has been a lot of feedback here, all of it remarkably consistent. You asked for feedback - can you accept what it is telling you?
I know it is hard right now, with all the emotional blackmail (= emotional abuse!) he is dumping on you.
Maybe if he was contrite, prepared to accept some responsibility and put effort into trying again, it might be worth considering keeping him (although I would wonder why - other than wanting the old, worn-out comfortable shoes rather than the new Jimmy Choos which pinch a bit).
But he is promising you more of the same double standards, the same dishonesty, the same manipulations, the same emotional abuse.
I was watching Oprah the other week (remember, daytime TV in Australia is limited, Oprah is just about the only daytime show with any cerebral content - tragic) and Oprah was interviewing a woman whose son had been made to film her being abused. The story this woman told is horribly familiar - she was always pleased inside because at least her husband never hit her. For years, she was bullied, verbally degraded, made to feel like everything wrong was her fault (probably including the weather) but at least he never hit her, so it wasn't abuse.
Then he began to hit her. In front of the kids. You think your kids are totally oblivious to any of this? Even if they don't witness your arguments, they witness the fallout from them - the silent treatment, your body language, him going out to get drunk - it sends the kids some very nasty messages. It teaches sons that this is how you behave in a relationship, towards your women - it teaches girls to stick it out no matter what, and that the woman always deserves it because the man said so.
The most important message which came out of this show - you need to PLAN your exit. If you think HE is going to be the one to leave - you can't count on it, he sounds very comfortable to stay, he's given you fair warning that he wants you caring for him at home, and he will do whatever he wants concerning sex. And if he also looks elsewhere for the ego-stroking and approval you can't give him, that also is infidelity.
And it IS about sex - because for a lot of guys like this, their sense of self is bound up with their sexuality. OK, he may be talking to her, confiding in her, feeling good because she says how much he deserves something better (ie her) but she is also a victim, because it all comes down to - him getting his rocks off. And getting his ego stroked. All he's looking for is a doormat. The women he is picking up/attracting are getting "I am available" signals from him, and his implied promises (by confiding in them) that this is about something more.
I still say he did not break up with this other woman - he simply told her that everything he had led her to believe (his availability) was simply not true, and she walked out. I lay bets on it. Otherwise, why would she let him go? He surely had said nothing she shouldn't have already known; most women willing to settle to be a mistress would simply say, "I'm here for you, I'll wait for you to call me."
Guys give love to get sex. Women give sex to get love. Men and women tend to stay together to at least begin to raise the children, to give their genes enough of a head start in the next generation to ensure they have successfully procreated. But men are programmed to have multiple partners, while women are programmed to look for security and stability to help raise the kids.
As a result, men and women tend to have different viewpoints, different standards. Yes, there are men out there who are much more scrupulous when it comes to sexual temptation (I'm married to one) but from other men I've encountered, they are rare. Even men whose wives think they are 100% faithful, I've known more about than I care to. And look around - a lot of marriages break up when the kids are fairly self-sufficient. The last kid finally leaves home and the husband heaves a sigh of relief and walks out. "My work here is done - time to go play." Some leave a bit earlier, but fewer leave while the kids are pre-teen, unless they leave when they're babies because they simply CAN'T stick it out as parents, in any practical sense.
Women talk to each other. Men who feel threatened by this will try to isolate their women to prevent this.
So make up your mind what you want form this man, then plan to get what you want DESPITE him. Plan your exit. Ensure you have escape money (to pay the bills, which will be higher to start with, to help you over the gap you will find until you settle down again).
If your exit involves him leaving and you staying, you still need to plan it. You will need to have locks changed, joint accounts frozen (do this one fast, do not tell him - alternatively, remove half before he removes all). Rents/mortgages paid, utilities paid (or covered) food paid (or catered for).
If you force him to leave he will still be blaming you. Be prepared for at least some of your friends and family to be critical of you. Do not even attempt to justify your position - simply say, "This is between me and my husband, or should be. There are always two sides, please recognise this. I had hoped you would be there perhaps for both of us, rather than taking his side without knowing the whole story."
Then walk away. The best way to convince these people is to simply wait until this darling man burns these friends as he's burned you (and probably many of his previous mistresses).
Get legal advice, quietly. Find out where you stand in your particular situation. Can he force you out of the house? Can he get custody? Can you do either of those things? Copy all relevant documents, insurance papers, ID, ownership papers.
Find out how far you can go legally, quietly, then when you have your plans ready, move.
It might take a day. It might take a week. Any bags you pack, keep them away from the house. Keep your document copies away from the house too. Even if you're planning on being the one to stay. You just don't know what is going to happen.
In the case of the woman whose husband made her son film him beating her, she did not leave immediately. But she knew it had to be soon because he was getting out of control and was going to eventually kill her if she stayed and this continued. So she planned. A co-worker helped, they set up a code word.
Interestingly, this battered woman's husband also would ring her at work to see how her day was going. She had to ring him when she left work and when she arrived where she was going (usually home). Every minute had to be accounted for. But it all began with him calling her at work to see how her day was going. Sometimes extreme control can seem like loving concern, in the beginning.
I'm worried for you. I don't think he is going to hit you - he doesn't need to, he's using words very effectively and he is still doing what he wants, he doesn't need to beat you to get anything more. Yet. But it's what this is doing to you emotionally that has me deeply concerned, as well as what it is doing to your daughter, in terms of the hidden signals she is getting, about how she must live her life.
Give her a profound example.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Marg