On the On-Ramp Again...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Albatross, Jun 23, 2016.

  1. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child has been on another cross-country road trip, this time with a buddy in buddy's van. It is obvious from the FB posts and pics that he has spent most of the trip extremely inebriated. For the last couple of months he has been "looking for work" in the Midwest while living with buddy's grandmother, who finally had enough and gave him 24 hours to leave. He called us and told us he had a job and housing waiting for him with a friend heading to Oklahoma City but needed to get to Indiana (the agreed meeting place) in the next 2 days. After discussion, husband and I agreed to buy him a bus ticket. He got on the bus yesterday morning.

    The "friend" turned out to be an addict he met while living on the streets in New Orleans. The "job" and "housing" turned out to be her vague promise to let him stay for a week or so. The topper is that she did not show up to pick him up at the agreed meeting place, so he attempted to hitchhike to her house and is now stranded somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

    Tonight the ramping up began, with multiple texts demanding we "do something" and the usual inability to see how any of this is his fault, only the fault of his "weasel" buddy and his "moronic" friend. I don't think there is any guilt button he left untouched. He hasn't eaten in days and is throwing up bile, he will die of thirst in 1 more day, he is sleeping under an overpass, we want him to be homeless so we can teach him a lesson "for having a few beers", he is going to "go balls to the wall and just end it all," he hopes we never need him to take care of us because he will "return the favor," he has no one else to turn to (true, as he has burned EVERY bridge, including his AA sponsors), etc. We just kept reiterating that we did not create the situation he finds himself in, that this is not the first time he has found himself in this situation, and we are no longer going to financially support his bad choices. Eventually he told me his phone was dying and he "wouldn't be able to charge it for a long time and hoped that made me happy" and I told him I was signing off and he should too. I won't even be turning my phone on tomorrow. I just don't want to read any more of this kind of crap.

    There have been times I have wondered how much of "my son" is left in there. Tonight I am thinking not very much. I am so tired of dealing with this, so tired of HIM. It never changes. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, and I am somewhat disturbed because I feel very little concern right now. I just feel really, really pissed off.

    I have started going to Al-Anon again. It helps a lot.
     
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  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry about all this, and I'm offering up a prayer for you and your son.

    You sound like you're just done. I guess you just get that way, after a while. Detachment.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Albatross, overtired fed up people who sometimes self destruct can someetimes harden even the softest heart. are only human. Frankly it was generous of you to buy him a bus ticket considering his lifestyle and self destructive life. He should have thanked you.

    But in a wasted state of mind, they just spew nonesense. It is ok to set your phone o vibrate and keep it in the drawer so you can sleep in peace. if he wants, he will find somebody with a cord and some bus station with plugs to charge his phone. So you have to protect yourself if you dont want him texting you all night because he is drunk and pissed off.
    Please, please be kind to yourself and sleep. you cant help your son in any way in the middle of the night and with him far away anyhow.

    Sweet dreams.
     
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  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. It makes me crazy. I'm sorry, but if I were in such bad shape I thought I might actually die of starvation or thirst or exposure, I'd call 911 before my battery died. What exactly were you supposed to do? Drive to Indiana and find him? Hugs.
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm guessing it wasn't true. Call me a cynic. Sounded like he would have liked money sent...for booze or drugs, not food. On the streets, they learn to get food...where its at. Or they steal it.

    You may be able to steal alcohol. But need money for drugs.

    He knew they couldn't run out there, but they could wire money.

    Guess I've been here too long. I trust nobody who abuses substances. I'm sure at times it's legit.
     
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  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Oh Albie, I am so sorry this is happening.

    Cedar
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry to hear this.

    I agree you need to turn off your phone or just block his number for a day or so maybe? That way you won't miss anything important from other people.

    It's just all emotionally and physically exhausting! Hugs and take care of yourself.
     
  8. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Albie. So sorry for you to continue this pain. I feel it, I've known it. We have shut phone off after 9pm for years. We simply couldn't take the (as SWOT said) spewing of nonsense. We figured we couldn't help, weren't going to help and it certainly wasn't helping us to leave it on. Anything I need to know can come in the AM. It won't change a thing. So block it or do whatever for you. If this could have been "fixed', it would have long ago. For all of us. Although, in my mind, I still can't understand how somebody can treat anyone the way our kids treat us. That's really nonsense. Prayers.
     
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  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Oh Alb, your story sounded SO familiar. Difficult Child used to call with the same song and dance. If I didn't immediately react (which I used to do, again and again and again, as you know), then the story would get wilder and more dramatic and stranger, including the threats to just go ahead and die and end it all and on and on and on.

    Kudos to you for not reacting to all of that. I remember one time not that awfully long ago on this forum telling the story of Difficult Child's frayed computer cord and his computer battery was dying...dying...almost gone...and he wouldn't have any way, forever, to get in touch, and that is when he was living outside the McDonald's in a city four hours from here in December, and I finally snapped and reacted. Sigh. I couldn't stand it. It was awful.

    So, when our DCs are "under the influence" there is nothing good that's going to happen. As long as they are using, that's the #1 goal and that is going to take precedence. It sounds like he is well into his alcohol just like my Difficult Child was and getting more of that substance is the focus in life. Until that changes, nothing changes. As you well know.

    I think your feelings are completely normal. I finally got to the point that I was so freakin' done. I (almost) didn't care. Of course, I loved him, but I was spent. Out of gas. Done.

    I wouldn't answer my phone right now either. When I got to that point, I could go for a week or 10 days and really be pretty darn fine. Then I would start getting anxious about whether or not he was alive and I would just need to know that. But I really didn't want to have to deal with him because that never turned out well and all it did was make me mad and anxious.

    We're here for you Alb. You have been there and done that. I get the bus ticket, I did that too, again and again. Maybe he'll reach a bottom...you never know when and if it will happen, and how...and something good will begin. Prayers for you and for him. Warm hugs too.
     
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  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    It was so tempting to respond to his dozen furious texts and the couple of derogatory comments he posted on FB last night. I drafted a response that made me feel better.

    Then I tore it up and texted him that he needs to quit drinking, and until he does there is really no point in talking. He won't see his part in this until he clears his head.

    Now I am just going to ignore his onslaught. It will stop eventually. It always does.

    It would make no difference if I stopped "helping" him before I bought him the bus ticket, or now, or after I bought him another ticket to wherever he thinks his life will magically get better. He would still be homeless, penniless and alone.

    It won't help to bring him back here, with all of his drinking buddies. Tried that, several times.

    It won't help to hold out a carrot if he agrees to go to another detox or another rehab or a psychiatrist or counseling. It is very clear he isn't ready.

    We are all at different points in our willingness to protect our difficult children from the consequences of their bad choices. I realized that my family has reached the point where there is NOTHING we can do that won't somehow be used by my son as a soft pillow so he can continue drinking. Not one single thing. And we're not going to give him any more pillows. He is going to have to face the consequences. That is probably the only chance he has.

    He needs so much help and I don't know how he will get it. I appreciate your prayers and your support very much.
     
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  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Albie, I am so so sorry. It is hard to listen to all that stuff and nonsense, we know where it is coming from, but it still touches the heart. I often wonder if there will come a time when my two will wake up and take responsibility for their choices. Will they even recall the horrible things they did and said to squeeze that ounce of pity, to push the enabling button? What defense do we have but to get angry when the bs slaps us upside the head? Do they even think about the bridges burned? Will it ever end?
    It is not up to us. It is up to them. You are right about the soft pillow. I wish it wasn't so.
    Stay strong warrior sister. Right here with you, praying for your peace of mind.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  12. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Albie.
    Thank you for this thought to remind me again that we are also at this point. This weekend is hard, as we know our son is once again being evicted with nowhere to go. (we know this-if it's true-due to son calling on father's day to say he wondered if we could help with $475 gas bill and $625 rent at a new place) !!! Will they never stop trying? Really? ...and we let that call so affect our joy...that's what hurts us...the profound sadness...and there's nothing we can do. Hold tight Albie, as your resolve also strengthens me. Prayers.
     
  13. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hey Albie,

    I have been keeping up with this today and am so sorry to hear about any/all of it. You know I understand completely where you are and it just stinks.

    Glad you wrote a draft and deleted it. There are always so many more things to say and not one word of it does a bit of good. We tried that for years.

    If it was not so sad, it would be funny.

    But, of course, it is not funny at all.

    Hang in there. From experience of what does not work, you are doing good.

    Still not easy.

    You are in my thoughts tonight. My Difficult Child is the meanest, but I can see a bit of him in what your son just pulled with you and your husband.

    Hugs.
     
  14. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Thank you, SS. I have missed your posts. I hope you and husband are doing well. I think I might win the prize for meanest d.c. this week. I forgot to point out that the call son placed was this past Tuesday, after I nagged him several times about not calling his father on Father's Day. How I wish I had just let the chips fall where they may.
     
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    We need an irony button.
     
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  16. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Totally understand. About ten years ago, a Father's Day call from Difficult Child was to let his dad know he was incarcerated 1500 mi away from us.

    Now, he is 50 mi away. We did not, at the time, realize how lucky we were. (not funny)

    After a couple decades of this, it just gets....old & numbing. Yet, the "emergency" calls/texts always throw us for a loop. I usually come running back to this forum.

    A day or two later we can finally center ourselves again...happier & oftentimes, angrier. Years ago, it took way more than a day or two to regroup.

    Stay close. You will be in my prayers tonight and tomorrow.
     
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  17. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    SS, it sure does get old. Yet here I sit, with the guilt and worry buttons once again in the fully depressed position. I did not sleep at all last night and am missing work today because of it.

    He sent many more angry and illogical texts. The last one was bizarre, accusing me of "talking behind his back" to his buddy and other furious nonsense. He said he is "out," throwing out his phone and "pulling a McCandless" (Christopher McCandless, the subject of "Into the Wild," who deliberately disappeared and was found dead 2 years later in backwoods Alaska).

    I know what is going on here. I do. I see the manipulation, and I know that is what it is. I know better.

    But it's still working. I feel about 6 shades of terrible mother this morning.

    I know that the outcome would be the same, no matter what I had done. He would be drunk, or frantically trying to score a drink. The only difference would be which city.

    But he is very sick, obviously. He needs treatment.

    He won't get it, I can't make him, and I know that. But he's still out there, and I'm still panicky and sad.

    I guess I have some work to do.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2016
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm so very sorry. No matter how you prepare and no matter how much you expect it and no matter that you know there is nothing you can do, it tears your heart out. I wish there was something we could do to help.
     
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Albatross, I know how you feel......and in a word, it sucks. I've been there many, many times. Sending you big hugs and prayers and warm wishes for you to find your center in the midst of all of this........get your old worn out tool box out and use those tools........take yourself to the nail salon, go get a massage, go out with a girlfriend for lunch, go for a walk on the beach or in the woods.......do something so very kind for yourself, you sure deserve it......
     
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