Alright, I admit. I visit web sites to find quotes to make me laugh. Here's some from this morning.
Enjoy!
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." ~Albert Einstein
"Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?" ~Unknown
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." ~unknown
"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?" ~unknown
"Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever." ~unknown
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it." ~unknown
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip." ~unknown
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets" ~Al McGuire
"There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away." ~Unknown
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments." ~unknown
"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off." ~unknown
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." ~Jerry Seinfeld
"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress." ~George W Bush
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." ~Jack Handey
"He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame." ~unknown
"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." ~Dave Berry
"You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up." ~Unknown
"Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil." ~unknown
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." ~Unknown
"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." ~Robin Williams
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." ~unknown
"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public." ~Bryan White
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back." ~Unknown
"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you." ~unknown
"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in." ~Tommy Cooper
"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend" ~Jack Handy