Returning to this site after 6 years same problem with son :(

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by expatfamily, May 3, 2011.

  1. expatfamily

    expatfamily New Member

    Hello all,

    I joined this site in 2004 when we were living overseas as a result of husband's job. We were having ODD issues with our son who was 11 at the time. The following year we returned to the US and I haven't updated since then. Unfortunately things have not gotten better with our son. Our primary goal has been trying to get him through high school although he has been asked to leave 2 private schools because he doesn't do the work and 1 800 excuses. He is now attending an online high school as a senior and the problem we have is this...his behavior remains explosive and we all stay on eggshells because of it. He turned 18 in March and if it wasn't for the fact that we want him to finish HS we would kick him out. Latest incident was Sunday night he was saying hurtful things to his 16 year old sister (our easy child) and we told him to stop it and he kicked his bedroom door in. He has an awful temper and we usually avoid the issues to keep the peace in the home. Because of latest incident our easy child left and is staying with friends. I feel like (once again) we are tolerating him at the expense of the rest of the family. I have been in anxiety overload since Sunday and am hardly able to function. So worried about our daughter who doesn't deserve any of this. Husband works and lives out of state for his job during the week and comes home weekends only. Here I sit with difficult child not at all concerned or apologetic for what has has done (as usual) and feeling like a terrible mom. husband always ends up defending difficult child because he has "issues" difficult child will not get help or even thinks he has a problem. Am so tired of him controlling everything in our lives and making our home so unhappy. Really wish he didn't live here anymore but have to let him stay until he finishes HS but I am close to the end of my rope. Thanks for letting me rant and I am glad I came back to this site.
    Teresa
     
  2. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Wait--he kicked in his door and he's over 18 and you didn't throw him out???? By all means, throw him out!! That's intolerable behavior, especially without an apology or any attempt at restitution or repair on his part. Why let him stay??

    I saw exactly the same scenario with my nephew last year: turned 18, was misbehaving badly and frequently but was "in progress" (ha! that was a laugh--did no work at all) on finishing his final high school course online, so of course my sister let him stay on despite the ongoing misbehavior, the disrespect and hell-raising--she even did his homework and took his tests for him so he could graduate!!

    Again, if he kicked in a door and has done nothing to make it right or even apologize, put him out of the house. That's intolerable, and he needs to understand that.
     
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi Expat... and welcome back. I am new to the board since you have been here. Our situations are similar in some ways.... I have a easy child daughter who is almost 16 and a 19 year old son who was in a similar situation last year. We finally got to the point where if he could not follow our rules (very basic rules you would have with anyone living in your home) then he needed to leave. We came to the conclusion that the message he was getting by being able to get away with his really bad behavior at home was not a good one, because he could not get along in society breaking all the rules. Unfortunately he found out the hard way that that was true....he did at one point realize he really would be better off with a hs diploma, and so did go and do the work for that BUT we kicked him out before he had it and it looked for a while like he would not get his diploma. He screwed up big time, had several arrests, spent 2 weeks in jail, went to rehab... and is now basically sober I think. He now seems to be trying to get his life together and is taking some good steps.... he is in touch with us and being polite. We have flat out told him he cannot live here because we are no longer willing to put our daughter through any more of the drama. I think he is a kid that has to learn the hard way and I know without a doubt if he was back home it would not takek long til we were all on the same road we were on before.

    I know it is really hard but you can't get his diploma for him .He has to do the work for it. If he is not willing to do it he won't, if he really wants it he will find a way. And if he doesn't then he can eventaully get his GED. Not the worst thing int he world.

    So think about what lessons you are teaching him by letting him live at home, be abusive to you all, to the point where his sister is staying somewhere else. And what messages are you giving her. It was a real shock to me to find out (via my daughter in therapy) that my daughter felt she was being sacrificed for my son... that was a wake up call because I realized she was younger and at this point she needed us to take care of her... my son was now technically an adult and we needed to let him go and support her. It is a balancing act when you have two kids you love, but right now you need to support your daughter to live in a home that is peaceful and not difficult child chaotic. Good luck this is really hard.
     
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Expat, Hello I remember you. My son used to kick in doors, punch walls and smash things. Then one day he kicked in my ribs and broke them.
    It never would have happened if I didn't listen to my husband and difficult child's therapist and let him stay here. Needless to say he has never lived under my roof since that fateful day. It isn't easy to put a kid out especially when he has so many issues but sometimes it is the best thing for the rest of the family. -RM
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome back Expat

    Graduating is not that huge of a deal. He's 18. He can go get a GED and you can live in peace. There is no sense in putting the family through such stress over an adult child.

    He can either abide by house rules, or leave. His choice.

    If it were me? He'd already be gone.

    Sorry things haven't gotten better since last time you were here.

    (((hugs)))
     
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    My difficult child got her GED at 16 - as soon as she was expelled from school. We gave her an ultimatum when I found a meth pipe in her room. Rehab or you can live on your own. She chose to live on her own. I guarantee life isn't easy for her, but she is doing it and really not asking anything from us. And I can also tell you that our home life is a LOT more peaceful. Our 13 year old son is flourishing and we no longer live on eggshells. I still have communication with her and I make sure she knows I love her dearly, but she cannot live in our home again. I will never go back to living in the prison I did for so many years....at this point, if she wanted to she could go to rehab, move onto sober living and then move out on her own. She was getting nowhere living with us and I don't think anything would have ever changed if she had stayed there...
     
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back, expat. I'm sorry things are so bad right now. You mentioned: "if it wasn't for the fact that we want him to finish HS we would kick him out." My question is, does *he* want to finish HS? And, who says he can't, if he's not living with you? And, if for some reason he can't finish while living elsewhere, it will be a direct consequence of HIS behavior .. and it will not be your "fault." I know that we as parents tend to take our kids' failures very personally, as if they're ours, but truthfully, they are not. Especially when it comes to difficult children over 18 (or almost over 18).

    I think that if he's physically violent and destructive, you've got to do what you can to protect yourself and your family. It's a tough call, I know.. and those of us that have had to kick our adult "kids" out know all too well just how painful it can be. But You can't let him hold you hostage in your home, as he is now. Next time he becomes violent or descructive, I would highly recommend calling 911.
     
  8. compassion

    compassion Member

    Hi, My difficult child is a few weeks from graduating. She is taking the ACT test for the second time with accomodations this week. she has not lived with us in 3 years. My experience with my daughter is she does not have those kind of rages when she is medicated. without medication, she had 3-4 hourlong rages. Education is very important to me, that I advocate for her to get it. Keep coming back. compassion
     
  9. peg2

    peg2 Member

    You and your family don't deserve this, kick him out. I did, had to get a restraining order, it was that bad. They make your life hell and we don't deserve it. It's devastating and I have serious issues because of it. I desperately miss my child but until he gets help, he can't be with me. Good luck!
     
  10. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I remember you:consoling:

    Your daughter is entitled to live in a home that is peaceful and secure; free from having a sibling attack. You are also entitled to a home that not damaged by a child. You would never tolerate that behavior from a stranger toward your home and certainly not your other child. If he wants to finish HS, he will. Seems he does what he wants anyway. He would be gone from my home. I endured Daughter's outbursts and attacks for years. I was very clear that if she even pulled that even one time once she turned 18, she was out on her own. I even got the sad and bewildered, "I can't believe my OWN mother would throw me out" manipulation.

    Believe it, babe. One time. You're gone.

    I've seen her rev up a few times, but when she saw the look on my face, she brought herself back under control. Her issues are now HERS. It's time your Son's issues become HIS.

    Sounds stoic and harsh, but that is how it is in my home.
     
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi, welcome back, I also remember you. Im sorry you had to come back but I am also with the folks who say that now that he is 18 and acting like he is, that he should be shown the door. You should not have to live in fear and your daughter deserves peace. He has to learn that society isnt going to put up with his behavior. I would calmly tell him that if he ever shows any aggressive behavior again in your home he will be out on his rear. He is an adult now and you are not required to keep dealing with this.
     
  12. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Oh, I know what you are going through. Like everyone else is saying, you have got to remember that he could really hurt someone else.
    He is an adult and needs to learn the behavior is unacceptable. I'm sorry for your other child.
     
  13. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    {{{Hugs}}} I remember how much I wanted Ant to finish school. How important I thought it was for him. How I feared that he would be hurting himself in the long run if he didn't get it. And I remember the fear I had for my other children when Ant's temper raged. And the feeling of being ripped into pieces because I wanted to help Ant and protect the other ones and I had no way to do both!

    My heart goes out to you. In Ant's case, it didn't matter. He left home without completing enough credits count as his freshman year. He's almost 21 and still hasn't gotten his GED. He has no desire for an education. But, he does have job and seems to do good at it. He still doesn't understand "consequence of his own actions"...every thing is someone elses fault. But he's living his life his way and doing okay.

    It's not the life I wanted for him, but it isn't my life, it's his. Sometime we have to give up our dreams for our kids so that they can live their dreams....even if their dreams are our nightmere.

    Sorry I don't have better words to offer you. Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. {{hugs}}
     
  14. natalieoh

    natalieoh Guest

    Hey Teresa, I too remember you. I too haven't been on here in a very long time. Your son and mine are identical. You take care of yourself as much as you can. What brought my husband and I peace is our son turned 18 last year. He so hated being accountable to the school, to us and everything was such a horrific battle. We were able to put him up in an apartment for six months to send him off on his way. He dropped out of school in his senior year and still isn't working. We had to part ways for our sanity. What we can do as parents is pray, take care of ourselves, set limits on what we can live with and lean on one another.

    Once he graduates look into independent housing. Don't know about your community but some agencies here in Ohio help young adults find work and housing. We have all lived on a very tough, gut wrenching road with our difficult child's. At some point we have to save ourselves and our family.
     
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