Sis in Texas Calls.......

[Hound dog]

I knew it was coming. Lil bro had told me she was going to call me to "warn" me about mom. lol I suppose I shouldn't laugh. It's probably hard on them emotionally......but dang it, it has been staring them in the face their whole lives. Not to mention I've been telling them since I was in high school that mom was paranoid at the very least and I strongly suspected she was schizo.

Sis's intentions are good. I can't exactly say the same for lil bro, though.

Conversation started out fine. How ya doing? and all that stuff. But I knew what was coming.

Sis did pretty well......didn't get upset or whatever. But is hurt mom is saying they did stuff to her and took things from her. I didn't give her the answer she was looking for, no empathy from me, sorry. I did tell her that if you put mom into a stressful situation it kicks her anxiety into high gear, when her anxiety is in high gear her paranoia flips into high gear. I for the life of me don't know how the other kids somehow did not pick up on this during the course of a lifetime....... Sis says well she is a control freak. Um, yes she is. A person with high anxiety usually IS a control freak because they're attempting to control their environment in order not to kick their anxiety up to an uncomfortable level.

I explained to sis that the move to Texas was too big of a step too fast. It was too far from the rest of the family. It made mom feel vulnerable and out of control, kicked her anxiety into overdrive, kicked her paranoia into overdrive......and well, after that it was pure mom on steroids.

Sis says well you don't understand, she accused niece of stealing her things. She kept hiding things from brother in law. She kept fretting over her money and the darn house. Every morning she'd pour over her papers and fret and then start accusing everyone of everything.

I told her yes, I most certainly DO understand as that behavior started on me in childhood. (seriously where were these people??) If I can't talk her down out of the anxiety and reason with her with the paranoia I ignore it. My kids know to ignore it, for pete's sake.......they knew before they were out of grade school. omg

I told sis that anyone who truly knows Mom knows her behavior well enough to sort through fact from fiction. I explained to her that I knew they didn't steal from mom, nor were they "out to get her". She tried to do what she thought was the right thing and it backfired. (mostly because she has no clue how to deal with mom)

Sis tells me she's warning me not to talk mom into coming and living with me. I laughed. I said I'm not talking her into anything. I told her she is always welcome here, period. BUT that she had to get all her affairs in order and the house sold before she left because to do otherwise would drive her nuts with worry. (true) I told sis that I told mom she can come and go as she pleases.......get her own apartment, whatever. I'm easy going that way. I'm not quite sure she understood that part. Because if mom is mentally ill, they all seem to believe she can't possibly take care of herself. Which of course we know is not true.

Then of course she tells me mom can't sell the house unless all us kids sign the contract. I told her flat out that lil bro hasn't got a clue wth he is talking about. That was totally bogus. Mom is still legally competent and can do whatever she darn well pleases with her own home or anything else she owns. I told her she'd better stop listening to lil bro. I just went through this with mother in law not that long ago and I know what I'm talking about. I also told her they could forget going to court to attempt to get her declared incompetent because at this point a judge will throw it out. Any person who can "micro manage" their financial affairs ect is in no way shape or form incompetent to handle their own affairs. The "micro manage" was sis' term, not mine...so she knows mom can still handle her own affairs.

The only thing that has changed with mom is that since her last husband died she has had more issues hiding the symptoms of her diagnosis. Not too surprising as it often happens with the elderly. If my sibs had paid attention all these years, none of this would be such a "shock" to them. Sis seemed surprised that I knew exactly what she was talking about and it didn't phase me in the least. Seemed to take all the wind out of her sails.

After talking with sis I know for certain lil bro filled her head with a bunch of bull hockey. I'm really not liking lil bro right now too much at all.

Sis did try to convince me that mom asked to come live with them and was "eager" to go. Now this? Was sis trying to save face. That is just too far out of character for mom to even consider it. She despises Texas, can't tolerate sis' husband.......and sis' kids have a tendency to grate on her nerves. And mom told me before they left it was only temporary.....she was telling me that right after sis arrived and when she came to visit before heading to Texas. I won't argue the point with her if I can avoid it. Having this blow up in her face had to hurt, and I know it.

Sis is supposed to be calling me back in a couple of days if I don't call her first. What for, I dunno. Maybe she wants to talk about this more......I don't see much to talk about. But if she wants to talk, I'll talk. Maybe I can convince her to stop listening to lil bro at the very least.

If mom comes here and she is bad symptom wise, I will handle it. I have experience handling it. Too much. I have a facility in town that would help me handle it as well as a psychiatrist I trust. It wouldn't be pleasant, but I'd deal with it. But I also know better how to relate to her to help keep her anxiety levels low and not play in to the paranoia. I have no issues detaching when it comes to my mom. I have years and years and years of practice.

I am having more issues comprehending how on earth my sibs grew up with this woman, had her in their lives as adults.......and somehow never quite "got it" that their mother is mentally ill. Ignorance? I dunno, too many serious difficult children in the family for that. Denial? Really? We're talking a lifetime of some serious out there behavior. wow.

 

[susiestar]

First of all, I think you are remarkable to be able to handle this stuff as calmly as you do. Your mom is lucky to have you in her corner.

Second, about your sibs not knowing of the problems: It is my understanding that they lived with your mom more or less all the time and that you lived with your grandmother quite a lot of the time. If this is what happened, then your sibs saw her problems develop/emerge gradually and they did NOT monitor the increasing (and increasingly strange) symptoms because they saw them every day. As kids, you think that every family is like yours. Due to this, your sibs may truly NOT have seen how controlling she was, how her mental illness caused problems, and the patterns they learned from her.

At least your sis is talking to you. I have wondered about your brother in law's handling of your mom's money, esp after she got so upset in TX. I hope and pray that she was not robbed. It hurts so very much more when it is a loved one or partner of a loved one who violates your trust and sense of safey.

 

[Hound dog]

I was rather surprised sis called me too, given the circumstances. I know she wound up hurt over the whole deal, and sis tends to avoid everyone when she gets hurt or messes up. This is why I never called her over it. It would just make her feel worse as she would perceive it as me rubbing her nose in it. Evidently she has had time for some of the emotions to subside and is able to think about it a bit better. She conceded that up and moving mom to Texas was a bad idea and that she should've seen that at the beginning. I made sure to avoid making this a personal thing between mom and sis because I'm certain it wasn't the case. Sis needs to understand that. It was the coming in and swooping her away from her home, making her feel as if she had no choice, taking her so far away (she's never lived out of the state) from home and from the rest of the family that triggered it all. Not sis herself or the family. They were just nearby and caught the brunt of it which is typical. Dealing with paranoid schizo is not easy by a long shot, it can be a living hades on earth for someone who has no clue wth is going on.

I don't think brother in law had time to do anything with mom's money. Anything not her ss check or retirement checks is tucked away in CD's and IRAs that he couldn't touch. I've no doubt if he had taken any money I'd have heard about it.......I'd still be hearing about it........I would hear about it for the next decade or more. lol

I don't necessary want the job of caring for mom from here on out. Mostly because I do know exactly what I'm in for, especially as she continues to age and it gets worse. I don't mind being her medical POA, been there done that it's not such a tough job and I know what she wants. Not so thrilled with being her general POA or the administrator of the will though. Nichole's husband would be a good candidate for administrator because well........he wouldn't dare cross anyone, most especially me. Only iffy part about that is I don't see him standing up to my sibs once some of them get to squabbling. He'd even be a good candidate for the POA as he does great with their finances, and again.......he'd never try anything knowing he'd have to answer to me and to Nichole. (his dad is the president of a bank here, so even what he doesn't understand his dad can give him advice) Mom was hoping easy child's husband would take the job but that was nixed because he doesn't even handled the household money. Is it obvious yet that I don't want to handle her finances?? LOL omg Mom wanted easy child's husband to do it cuz he'd stand up to anyone, period. Nor would he take from her. But if he doesn't know how his own household runs, he won't be able to handle the responsibility. Know what I mean??

I'm a go with the flow sort of person. My family has never "got" that about me. I will step in and grab the bull by the horns when needed, when not needed.......well, I'm just like it's all good. lol

This situation is going to continue to develop, and odds are high it is going to continue to get worse. If I allow myself to be pulled into the drama of it all.....I'll be the one needing the padded room and medications.

Susie, I understand about the whole they lived with her full time sort of thing vs I didn't. But it is still difficult for me to grasp (knowing things my mom did all during the years, and not just to me) that they never realized she was mentally ill. Or at the very least something was very wrong, very very wrong. They are just now having it dawn on them that older sis is mentally "off" as well. Which I had smack me upside the head during one of her visits 15 yrs ago. I suspected strongly prior to that given some off the wall behavior and a really disillusional conversation I had with her when Nichole was about 8 yrs old. Sis may also be schizo, although not paranoid that I know of, and the onset of symptoms in her twenties is about right for it. I don't spend enough time with her or talking to her to be certain it is shizo and not just out of control bipolar, not really thinking the latter......if that is a part it's a combo thing like my aunt. But this is why older sis so far has not been dragged into the drama. She is a total wild card.

 

[Liahona]

Most of my family go through this type of denial about my brother. I don't understand it much either. I think, and this is just a guess, that the emotional pain is to much for them to deal with so my family starts blaming anyone else and sticks their heads back in the sand. I just have to keep reminding myself that just because I'm having a nice productive conversation with them now doesn't mean they will agree with or even remember anything about that conversation later. They do the same thing with any topic that hurts emotionally. I just try to distance myself.

 

[TerryJ2]

for the life of me don't know how the other kids somehow did not pick up on this during the course of a lifetime


Sigh. I have no idea. That's the $6 million dollar question. You're doing a great job staying calm. It's going to get more complicated. I'm sending detachment in boatloads.

 

[dstc_99]

My younger brother is the same way. He lived at home with mom for years but whenever I try to relate with him about her mental health he just acts like he doesn't have a clue!