It is SO HARD to not fix things for them, esp when we can afford to. in my opinion it is esp important that he see you ENJOYING things with your money. That he KNOWS he isn't getting it to rescue him from any of these problems. It will, in time, teach him that money is to be enjoyed AFTER you work for it. NOT after you party and mess up your life.
MY brother was driving home from dinner in a city 70 miles away when he was hit by a drunk driver. He had NOTHING to drink that night and was giving two professors a ride home. He was so angry at the kid who hit him, rightly so in my opinion. The kid who hit him had daddy's $$ to cushion him and got off with very little punishment. His dad even paid for someone to be available to drive him around for the next 2 years so he could still party and do what he wanted. The kid even went on a NATIONAL tour and on OPRAH talking about how bad drunk driving is. Got paid big bucks to do so. But he didn't learn and eventually got more drunk driving charges. He protested his punishment on those on the grounds that they should be seen as a first offense because he paid his dues and was "just a kid" at the time of the assault against my bro and the other men with him. Talk about insult - he did NOT do all that was required of him, he was to send a postcard on friday afternoon to each of the 3 men he injured - Daddy's secretary did that for him. Even she stopped a year short and skipped a lot of weeks. And this "kid" was 19, NOT a minor - but the court actually sided with him and did NOT give him the punishment of a repeat offender!!!! LOTS of people here were furious about that. Esp as we put kids who commit crimes at 16 on death row in OK.
So if you cushion this for your child he is NOT going to learn. He MUST go through the problems and consequences with his own personal resources. Therapy is crucial, of course. But so is teaching him that the money that YOU earn is for YOU - that he must earn his own $$ to have those resources. If paying for his mistakes was going to work, the second alcohol violation would not have happened.
As far as these charges ruining the rest of his life? that is HIS CHOICE. In high school I went to a local community college to participate in an academic competition. The head of the sociology dept wrote the test and spoke to us. HE spent 20 years in jail for rape that happened when he was 17 and under the influence of drugs and alcohol. This COULD have kept him from any job with any responsiblity. Instead of accepting that, he went back to school, got 2 doctorates and worked his way into a job as the head of the sociology dept at this college. Now, yes, it was a 2 yr college, but he was well known in his field and well respected. He never had another criminal charge and never hurt another person. He is one of the few sex offenders who truly only offended because the influence of drugs. My mother in law has worked in prisons as a therapist for decades, and teaches all over the world to people who set up programs in prisons to help the inmates with Reality and Choice therapy. The ONLY time a sex offender is allowed into the programs is if the offense happened when they were teens and were addicted to drugs. They MUST be clean and have a good record inside to be allowed into the program. This man met those conditions and actually received an early version of this therapy that she works with. It really helps.
One thing that might help with your son is to read Choice Therapy by Dr. Glasser. And remember that if this man could get clean and turn his life around (got his bachelors and master's while in prison!) and then get to a job with such respect and responsibility, then your son can too. It just takes hard work and facing his actions and the consequences of them.
MY brother was driving home from dinner in a city 70 miles away when he was hit by a drunk driver. He had NOTHING to drink that night and was giving two professors a ride home. He was so angry at the kid who hit him, rightly so in my opinion. The kid who hit him had daddy's $$ to cushion him and got off with very little punishment. His dad even paid for someone to be available to drive him around for the next 2 years so he could still party and do what he wanted. The kid even went on a NATIONAL tour and on OPRAH talking about how bad drunk driving is. Got paid big bucks to do so. But he didn't learn and eventually got more drunk driving charges. He protested his punishment on those on the grounds that they should be seen as a first offense because he paid his dues and was "just a kid" at the time of the assault against my bro and the other men with him. Talk about insult - he did NOT do all that was required of him, he was to send a postcard on friday afternoon to each of the 3 men he injured - Daddy's secretary did that for him. Even she stopped a year short and skipped a lot of weeks. And this "kid" was 19, NOT a minor - but the court actually sided with him and did NOT give him the punishment of a repeat offender!!!! LOTS of people here were furious about that. Esp as we put kids who commit crimes at 16 on death row in OK.
So if you cushion this for your child he is NOT going to learn. He MUST go through the problems and consequences with his own personal resources. Therapy is crucial, of course. But so is teaching him that the money that YOU earn is for YOU - that he must earn his own $$ to have those resources. If paying for his mistakes was going to work, the second alcohol violation would not have happened.
As far as these charges ruining the rest of his life? that is HIS CHOICE. In high school I went to a local community college to participate in an academic competition. The head of the sociology dept wrote the test and spoke to us. HE spent 20 years in jail for rape that happened when he was 17 and under the influence of drugs and alcohol. This COULD have kept him from any job with any responsiblity. Instead of accepting that, he went back to school, got 2 doctorates and worked his way into a job as the head of the sociology dept at this college. Now, yes, it was a 2 yr college, but he was well known in his field and well respected. He never had another criminal charge and never hurt another person. He is one of the few sex offenders who truly only offended because the influence of drugs. My mother in law has worked in prisons as a therapist for decades, and teaches all over the world to people who set up programs in prisons to help the inmates with Reality and Choice therapy. The ONLY time a sex offender is allowed into the programs is if the offense happened when they were teens and were addicted to drugs. They MUST be clean and have a good record inside to be allowed into the program. This man met those conditions and actually received an early version of this therapy that she works with. It really helps.
One thing that might help with your son is to read Choice Therapy by Dr. Glasser. And remember that if this man could get clean and turn his life around (got his bachelors and master's while in prison!) and then get to a job with such respect and responsibility, then your son can too. It just takes hard work and facing his actions and the consequences of them.
