Teen sexually active

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by CantGoBack, Feb 12, 2011.

  1. CantGoBack

    CantGoBack New Member

    I'm a victim of myself. My wife is tough on my 15 year old daughter. She's been bugging me to check the activity on her computer; I gave in and did that. Now, as my handle implies, I can't go back. In her blog on Tumblr she tells her followers she lost her virginity at 15 (so it was recently) to a guy 18. Don't know any 18 y.o. boys; she's out alot but I didn't even know she was dating. I don't think she's making it up; she also posted that she wasn't ready. She seems amazingly sad - hints at suicidal thoughts.
    I'm crushed and completely lost. I don't know what to do. I can't tell her I know without telling her I've completely invaded her privacy, but I can't keep this bottled up either.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Tell her. So what if you invaded her privacy? I do to see if my kids are safe.
    Having said that, unless she truly wants to stop having sex, since she already did it, I'm not sure you can stop her. It's a common teen issue and short of locking her in the house 24/7, I have no suggestions. I would teach her about birth control and get her on the pill. Get her therapy fast. Suicidal ideation is nothing to play with. It supersedes reading her online postings. You need to help her.
    Hugs and sorry this happened :<
     
  3. miles2go

    miles2go Member

    I have a 15 y.o. daughter too. I think there are two distinct situations here -- one is that she is depressed and needs therapy. Read "Primal Teen"? Teen brains are so messed up that the only normal thing for them is to have depression, bipolar and ADD whenever the spirit moves them. So you have to get her into therapy.
    Regarding the choice what and how to tell her what you know and how you found it out.
    If you can't "keep this bottled up" then you have fewer choice here. If on the other hand you could keep this bottled up and if you could get her into therapy without telling her what you know then I can see waiting to tell her -- moods change and she may be less vulnerable later and therapist hopefully helps her work some things through. Once you find a therapist you trust you can as the therapist for advice how to bridge it, I don't know. I think this is no time for moral absolutes; dealing with teens like with loved children with serious mental condition has been the only helpful paradigm I found, so it is all about managing their condition (depression in this case) for the time being without incurring major damage.
    If you do tell her, will you tell your wife? Especially if your daughter doesn't want you to?
    Now, whether you tell her or not, I don't think you need to feel at all guilty for invading her privacy. Your primary responsibility is to insure her safety and her brain cannot be trusted with it; not due to some moral failing but because it is whacked out on all kinds of hormones etc and because the prefrontal cortex cannot carry out executive function too well -- that's why they are in someone's custody til age 18. Some years ago my then-adolescent sister-in-law lived with us and I'd discover messages on a cell phone (after she borrowed it from me for a few months) from creeps that she found over the internet and on public transportation, setting up place and time to meet. More than one teen got in big trouble just under such circumstances. I installed WebWatcher on our computer and told my daughter about it.
    Your daughter's depression, and her not-ready-for first experience as part of it, that's a problem that she needs to work through, with therapist.
    On her becoming sexually active,-- other than "here are the condoms and here are the pills and don't do anything you don't really want to do" I am not sure what I can offer to my daughter (she hasn't gone there yet, but I hear a lot about her girlfriends having a pregnancy scare etc).
     
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Could she have been lying to make herself seem more worldly-wise? Go carefully. But seriously - assume she has lost her virginity. Don't see it as a disaster, see it as normal because, sadly, it is these days more and more. Normal, that is, for girls to lose their virginity under-age.

    What we did - you can't stand guard at their bedroom door all your life. We tried. husband & I took turns virtually lying on the floor outside her bedroom door so she'd have to step over us to go out. Crazy.

    So instead, we gave her The Talk. We said if you want the adult pleasures, you have to take on the adult responsibilities. First one - health checks. Pap smear, then go on the Pill. If not being on the Pill is all that is stopping her from having sex, then she may as well go on it to be safer from teen pregnancy.
    Pap smear is important. Then - using condoms. I took my kids shopping for condoms. I loudly discussed the merits of ribbed vs unribbed, told them that ribbed condoms don't make a darn bit of difference to the girl but can reduce the feeling for the guy and so guys don't really like them; if you want better kicks during sex, there are other gadgets you can use. I talked about flavoured condoms (yes, we can buy them in our supermarkets, they're next to the Vegemite). Told the kids to stay away from the banana-flavoured ones, they're horrible.
    I reckon that totally put the kids off, gave us another 18 months of celibacy from them. At least.

    Only one was virgin when he married - difficult child 1. Both girls had lost their virginity under age. easy child was 15. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was 17.

    Follow-up - because we insisted on pap smears, easy child 2/difficult child 2 has had pre-cancerous patches on her cervix caught and removed. She wouldn't have got them if she hadn't had unprotected sex, but life is what it is.

    Sexual responsibility is not just physical health, it is mental health. it is not being bullied into sex just because the guy is pressuring you. it is recognising that once you have sex, you are tied to one another in a different way and you need to treat one another with respect and gentility. There are good reasons for sex not happening too young - because relationships when you're young are tempestuous enough; sex complicates things. Also, if you have sex too readily, you sidestep the "getting to know you" process that every GOOD relationship needs.

    But sex alone is not the big deal. Sexual responsibility, however, is a big deal. And she has no privacy rights when it comes to FB or anything else, while she's under age and under your roof. You could always say that someone told you, and that you are assuming it is true and taking her to the doctor. Let her talk to the doctor confidentially (I think legally she is entitled) but get the doctor on side, the kid needs to be on contraception and needs regular health checks.

    other than that - you have to live with it. Sorry. it is hard, but your daughter is a sexual creature. You can't put that genie back in the bottle.

    Marg
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First off - you did NOT NOT NOT invade her "privacy". SHe posted it online for the entire world to see. PERIOD. Second - she is only 15. She cannot legally own anything because she cannot legally enter into a contract unless she has been emancipated - which would mean she is living on her own earning her own money. This means that you and your wife own EVERYTHING in your home and in your child's possession including the computer/cell phone/whatever she used to post this online. IF she wanted this to be private she would NOT have posted it online. Heck, her every future employer can see this if they search under her name. Even if seh takes it off they can use the "wayback machine" to go and find it. This is a CRUCIAL lesson for all young people because more and more employers, scholarship groups, school and even police are doing internet searches to check on people they are considering or investigating. So the sooner she learns to NOT post things like this online the better off she will be.

    Hints about suicide are NOT for drama or to be taken lightly. Time to insist she see a therapist to work through them and to be sure she won't try to harm herself. A therapist should also help her work through why seh had sex when seh was not ready.

    Time to make an appointment with a GYN for a pelvic exam, HPV vaccine if she hasn't had one (gardasil is the brand name) and birth control. If she won't take daily birth control then the depo provera shot is an option and in extreme cases docs will still use the implants (not used very often because there are some side effects but if you have someone who is hypersexual or simply refuses to even try to use birth control then the implants can be considered). Also go and buy the biggest box of condoms you can find. Keep it in a cabinet and make sure that there are always some there. I know you don't want to condone her having sex but you cannot stop it. ALL that you can do realistically is to provide what she needs to avoid becoming sick or pregnant - that is literally ALL you can do.

    You need to have a very open discussion of STDs with her. MANY people do not realize that most std's have changed from when you or I was a teen. Nowadays you can have ANY std with-o showing outward symptoms. Syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia etc... do NOT show up as sores or bumps on the genitals and do NOT always have a discharge. So you CANNOT tell by looking at someone's privates if they are infected. This is why she MUST use a condom AND get regular checkups and STD screenings. It is CRUCIAL.

    Be upfront. Tell her not to get HIV or Hepatitis. we tell our kids to not get pregnant but we rarely tell them so openly to not get HIV or AIDS. in my opinion that is just NUTS. A baby will change your life drastically, sure, but it won't end it years too early. HIV and even Hep can end a life many many years early. NO ONE wants that so be open and don't assume that it can go with-o saying. Before she should even CONSIDER sex with-o a condom she and her partner need to be monogamous and both have been tested and have the results. If she isn't adult enough to discuss this with her partner, and to insist on a condom, then seh needs to think about whether she is old enough to have sex.

    It isn't an easy subject to talk about for many parents, esp dads of daughters, but it is one of the most important things you can do as a father. She WILL get upset that you "invaded her privacy" - tough noogies. If she is old enough to have sex and post about it online and hint about being suicidal then she is old enough to have a conversation with her parents about these choices, her feelings and how to keep herself safe.

    I would NOT be judgemental if you can avoid it. Let her know you hoped she would wait longer, but as seh didn't the two of you need to talk. Don't put all the weight of this on her mom - you are just as much her parent as her mom is and it is equally your job to handle these things. She may listen to you more if she feels her mom is very judgemental or hard on her. I know mom does it because she sees a lot of potential, loves her and wants her to do her best, but teens don't always see it that way, Know what I mean?? So she may listen to you where she would close up and not listen to her mom.

    If it turns out that your daughter truly wasn't ready and a date pushed her and/or wouldn't take no for an answer, get her to a rape crisis center and hotline ASAP. Sadly there are a LOT of times a girl is date-raped and doesn't realize it because the guy was just "pushy" in her mind and wasn't as "violent" as she thought a rapist would be. My second year in college I had 3 friends go through this and we all learned a whole lot about the issue. Often the guys just thought they were "convincing" even as the girl said no through the entire act. If that happens, do your best to hide your rage from her as she will think it is aimed at her for not saying no enough or being "strong enough" to make the no stick. You and your wife will also need to talk to a therapist to work through your feelings and figure the best way to help her. The police are one option, but not every girl is strong enough to handle that and that choice should be up to her (and only her) though talking to a rape crisis counselor shoudl NOT be a choice.

    I am proud that YOU are asking questions and taking an active role in this. Girls really NEED their dads during this time - they have fears that you will be furious or disown them or hate them. By talking with her you can dispel those ideas and let her know that you are truly there for her.

    She may blow up about the privacy thing - if so give her some time to settle down and then keep talking about the issues. do NOT give punishments unless you ahve truly thought them out ahead of time - they won't accomplish much except to hurt both of you by creating a rift between you. Open communication isn't easy but is important, esp on the issue of sex. Remind her gently that if she truly wanted privacy she would NOT have put it on the internet, that no matter WHAT her "privacy" setting are the info is easily available to anyone who wants it. It doesn't take much experience to hack through privacy blocks.
     
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You have gotten some great advice here already. If she was 'pushed' into it and regrets it, you have a much higher chance of her waiting to try it again if you come to her with support and compassion (rather than punishment). I knew too many girls who were 'pushed' into sex and then thought they had lost the right to say no (mostly to the same boy but 1 girl was so disgusted with herself that she stopped saying no to anyone). If any of them had a dad that would have told them that he still loved them, that it didn't change who they were, and that they had every right to control access to their bodies, it would have helped them so much.

    Your daughter is very lucky to have you and your wife (who clearly suspected something).
     
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You've gotten excellent advice. I noted, however, that you said "I didn't know she was dating". To me it sounds like you are not aware of how teens interact today. I'm experienced raising teens (8)
    and not too conservative in my views but I was shocked to find with the grandsons generation many many young girls are sexually active with-o ever "dating". There is a mentality that is quite common in teens who get together as groups, that in my humble opinion is more conducive to casual sexual encounters than dating used to be. I know for a fact that it is not just in our locale. I watched a tv special maybe five years ago where a major network invited teen to discuss the issue and their parents were included in the trip. All attractive, high achieving boys and girls. When in a separate room with no parent present OMG! my heart stopped listening....the parents were later allowed to watch the teen sessions and my heart broke for them.

    Why am I sharing this perspective? I just think before you talk with her it is important to be prepared that she probably doesn't have a "boyfriend" and very likely was not "forced" to take part. There is a very good chance that she is part of a decent group of kids who include sexual acts as part of their socialization. No...I'm not condoning it. I think it's very sad actually. on the other hand it is not uncommon for young girls to "do it" because it is commonly done.

    As others said you can't "undo it" and it is necessary to discuss disease, pregnancy, protection etc. It's probably wise to include the importance of making independent decisions so that you feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror. Good luck. DDD
     
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I second this -

    your daughter has probably been "dating" this way for a while, now. The worry for me (besides the pregnancy/STD side) is what ELSE has she been doing that she does not feel free to share with you ?

    If she can't introduce you to her friends and boyfriends - why not? Is she drinking? Using drugs? Cutting?

    And is she really suicidal? Or is that the "crowd" she is currently associating with? One in which death, dying, and extreme angst is the norm?

    I think you and Mom need to start "butting in" and invading your daughter's privacy in a BIG way. Sex may be the least of your worries...

    (Sorry...)
     
  9. CantGoBack

    CantGoBack New Member

    Wow - you've all been great. I can't believe how quickly everyone jumped in!
    I've taken your advice and have an appointment with a therapist. I'm worried because she has gotten lethargic, yet doesn't sleep well. Sure signs of depression. My guess is this older boy wanted his fun, then ignored her. I think she's crushed & confused.
    On my end, I have to find a way of dealing. I want to find this kid and hurt him badly, which of course I can't, no matter how cathartic that would be.
     
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi

    that's such a normal dad instinct, i feel you. we went thru same at exact same age we were so upset. me especially, took a long time to cope with-the fact she was active and that it was her choice. scary. such babies they are yet.

    so we did therapy and we also took her to the gynecologist you may wanna do that also to have her tested and also a reg. exam now that she is having sex or has had it, put her on the pill also just to be sure. id' also push the condom thing. it's a talk your going to have to have it's horrible. i know.... :) hang in there. unfortunately our kids dont' come with-manuals and they really should!
     
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    also i just wanted to say from experience with-mine and some other teens i used to work with-just because their sexually active and having some signs of depression following the first time and clearly regrets doens't necessarily mean she's using drugs or self harming. i wouldn't push the panic button yet, you did the right thing with-therapist i'd just also follow up with gyn visit as i mentioned to be on safe side.
     
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Sadly, this happens. It happened back in our day. But a wrinkle that happens these days (and is in my opinion a retrograde step from female emancipation) is that groups of kids get together and girls are pressured to 'perform' including sometimes just giving oral sex, because if they don't they will lose popularity or be seen as nerds or uncool. So the girls give in, in order to remain part of the in crowd. They often will say that oral sex is not sex; but it is. it is also wrong for anybody (male or female) to be coerced into sex, ever. She needs to be empowered. The trouble is, it's not necessarily a "bad crowd" doing this. It's ANY crowd. We don't have this problem as badly here in Australia yet, but it's getting there. I do know it is a huge problem for you guys in the US, in some areas especially. I despair at where the 'sexual revolution' has ended up - back worse than we were before, with women having less say in things, being pressured far more, being treated as worse dirt than happened in the 50s and 60s. But they feel they have to accept this, and put up with it, or be unpopular.

    This may not be what happened. So go carefully. Do not express your anger at this boy (especially do not say you want to find him and rip him apart - she will clam up if she thinks you could hurt him, it could even romanticise her view of what happened). Simply listen to her. I'm assuming here she has said the truth, that she has had sex. So listen to her as if she is an adult, a mate confiding in you over a beer in the pub. She needs advice, she needs to be safe. That is safe physically (health issues, as Jena covered; emotional health also, as in not being manipulted and used, then suffering the natural depression consequences).

    When kids have sex, especially girls, they often (despite what they might think, despite whether the encounter is casual) feel an emotional investment in the other person. But if this emotional investment is despised and disrespected, it is a strong statement to the young person tat their sexual investment is unvalued and therefore worthless. Therefore they personally are worthless. The kid may already feel 'icky' at some level for having done this (and should not - sex should be enjoyable and uplifting, she needs to know this).

    She needs to know she is worth being respected. She is worth self-respect. She is going to need help to find it again.

    Forget about the boy - he may not be that much of a villain in the piece, anyway. The best way to go here, is to arm your daughter in every way against this kind of manipulation and exploitation. A strong self-esteem is good armour. If you aren't certain you can protect her that way (and once she has had sex, don't assume any talk will stop her doing it again) then at least cover all bases as far as her health is concerned. And as I said before - if she objects, tell her this is what every responsible adult should do when they begin to have sex.

    A scary point for her - the younger a girl is when she first has unprotected sex, the greater her chance of getting cervical cancer, especially while still young. The cells on the cervix are still changing from juvenile type to adult type, right up until a girl is 20. The border between the adult cells and the juvenile cells is where cancers can be triggered. It used to be believed tat sperm cells were doing the damage; now they know it's HPV. I told you of my daughter's experience - she was 17 when she first had sex with Boy 1. She was not having sex with anyone else; he allegedly had never had sex with anyone else. She broke up with him in late 2006 when she was 20. I suspect he had by then been sleeping with one or more others behind her back. Certainly, his mates were actively trying to break them up. He has since distanced himself form those mates, moved interstate (he is still in contact with difficult child 1). Her next boyfriend had had one sexual partner before, but she had cheated on him and hurt him badly. They went to having sex fairly soon, I suspect - about two months after they began to go out together. They were actually seeing one another "as friends" while she was still officially with the first guy. She has since married this second guy.

    So - she began sleeping with this new guy at the end of 2006. And in 2007 she was diagnosed with her first abnormal Pap smear. It was not acted on, the procedure these days is to wait and see, sometimes they resolve (!). It did not. By the time it was removed (late 2010) it had progressed to full thickness. Doctors these days will not discuss fault in these areas; they will not discuss who she could have caught it from. But form what we can work out, it was the first boy, almost certainly. Her husband has been distraught that he could have given this to her.

    She began the Gardasil vaccine when she was 20. It took that long for it to be available for us here. And of course it was too late.

    She will be OK, the doctor told us. But only because we have been doing the right thing in monitoring. Contraception - she takes the Pill but is desperate to start a family. They are broke and can't afford it. Despite being married and living in their own apartment, she still needs a lot of emotional, medical and moral support from us.

    Feel free to share this with your daughter - my daughter's story is not unusual. As I said before - once a kid takes on the adult pleasures, they MUST also take on the adult responsibilities that go with it. And it is the responsible thing not just for yourself, but for your partner, to monitor and maintain your health and know your infection status. Infection in ANYTHING! HIV, HPV, STDs in general, Hep B, C and the rest of the alphabet. Chlamydia. And you can catch these so easily, and the first time even if the other person says they're virgins. How do they define what a virgin is? You can get those infections form heavy petting. And anyway, as we found (almost certainly) - guys lie. People lie.

    Marg
     
  13. CantGoBack

    CantGoBack New Member

    Thanks Marg.
    I needed a voice of reason. I'm learning more; apparently the Senior boys do this to the prettiest incoming freshman girls. The girls get crazy because a senior is paying attention to them; they join the senior crowd for a day or two, then the boy pressures them into sex. Then the phone calls end, they ignore them, it's over.
    I'm dealing with my freakin' rage that my daughter got raped. These boys know what they're doing. My kid blames herself, which WE know is crazy but she doesn't. By law my kid (who was FOURTEEN just 2 weeks earlier) is below the legal age of consent UNLESS (and this makes me wanna puke) the boy is within 4 years of her age. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE IT OK??? Ask our lovely legislature.
    Her self-esteem has been hammered. She thought she was "in love", gave up this precious gift, only to be tossed aside. I have to get her through all these feelings of worthlessness and have ONE huge stumbling block:
    She doesn't know that I know.
    She has opened up to a close family friend and her mother. She's afraid of me finding out. If I didn't go on her blog page I wouldn't know.
    I guess she could forsee my anger. I pray it's not because she doesn't feel she can trust me; I always thought she & I were closer than with her mother but now I'm not sure. I am being torn apart by visions of this beautiful little girl on stage in her ballerina costume holding her flowers and beaming; then just a few years later being violated by this predator.
    Now I read her blog page and I'm scared she's tumbling out of control.
    I thank God this site is here to let me vent, and everyone seems to care. I thank you all so much for that. Nothing in my whole life - and I've been through a lot - ever prepared me for this.
     
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    From me... Who walked in on my then-13-y/o daughter in the act with her boyfriend...

    If you are right about this, let the school know. ANONYMOUSLY would be best for your daughter, so she isn't bullied about it. And if she has told your wife, then have your wife talk to her. I found out the HARD WAY that Onyxx was desperate for a female to talk to. BM was not the right person, and husband was DAD.

    Yes, girls need Daddy. No argument. Some things are just easier with women - for SOME people - not all.

    And almost all teenagers could benefit from some therapy. Even so-called "normal" teens have HUGE self-esteem issues.

    Compared to our difficult children, I was "normal", but sex was a way I could hang on to the guy I wanted - and that was 20+ years ago. I am more than slightly blessed that I didn't catch anything. I wasn't always careful! I finally figured out that if that was the only way to be accepted, they could take their little clique and stuff it. But I didn't understand that for YEARS.

    And as a Daddy - you want her to remain your precious little girl - but from an only-child-Daddy's-little-girl point of view? Ain't gonna happen. And, no, nothing prepares you for it. And you might be closer than your wife. Do not whatever you do take it personally. She's spreading her wings, and even though she seems to know she did something not right for her - best thing to do is just stay involved. Get her into therapy. Gyn exam (finally got Onyxx in a couple weeks ago, thank heavens). Pap smear, talk candidly, admit you're embarrassed if you are, and remind her as much as possible that you love her.
     
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am sure this is tearing you apart. on the other hand, she did talk to her Mom. That is a big positive. She also probably knows that her Mom shares with you. She's just not comfortable talking about sex with you....I understand that. If you had a son the chances are it would be reverse. When you are little you don't think about your parent as "male" or "female". They are jointly parents. Once you have a sexual experience you all of a sudden realize the differences between Mom and Dad. Additionally, Dad's are more shocked when their little girls transform and quite often want to get revenge. Mom's most often have similar experiences or their friends or sisters have...that leads to more understanding even though they, too, are broken hearted. Hang in there. DDD
     
  16. CantGoBack

    CantGoBack New Member

    Thanks DDD! I'm sure you're right. Plus she also knows the demon I do battle with: guilt. I'm Daddy; I should have protected her. I should have known somehow. It was my job to keep her safe.
    Of course, it's completely illogical, but logic doesn't apply here, does it? But I'm sure she thought -for all those reasons - I'd do something crazy.
    I'm actually proud of myself that I haven't.
     
  17. CantGoBack

    CantGoBack New Member

    Also as I browse this site I read about all you folks and my heart goes out to all of you. You're all very caring & willing to give of yourselves to strangers, and I when I read about what you're going through I think that's incredible. I try to keep perspective; if I do this right, in 5 years it might all be just a sad memory (a big IF). Many of you are dealing with obstacles that far exceed that.
     
  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    No, logic doesn't apply. Be aware that Moms feel the same protector guilt too. I remember telling someone... If only I knew what I was looking at, those odd puzzle pieces wouldn't have HAD to fall into place.

    And I'm "just" a stepmom... (HAHAHAHA, Mom nonetheless!)

    You're doing well... Coming here was a good step!
     
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Your closeness to her could be the very obstacle now, especially in matters of sex. husband was always closest to easy child, but I was the one who had "the talk" when she came home from visiting her boyfriend, and had a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) she didn't tell me about until it progressed to incontinence. I immediately tackled her about the Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) - when you were visiting your boyfriend a week earlier and you're 16... she couldn't deny it, especially when I pointed out that girls developing UTIs when sex was NOT involved is not only rare, it requires investigation for possible serious urogenital defects.

    But she couldn't talk to her dad about it. She could barely talk to me about it for years, still won't discuss sex with us.

    How accessible is her blog? She is your daughter; if it is out there, it is there to access legitimately. husband lurks here all the time, reads everything I post. Always has (so I can't vent about what a ratbag he is! Just kidding!). It's normal for us, for him to lurk and read. Not checking up on me in any way - just staying in touch. He will check in during his lunch break or sometimes in the morning. We've even had the odd situation where I've been posting here on my laptop in the bedroom, while he is up the other end of the house on HIS laptop, also posting on the same thread!

    She is scared you will think badly of her; after all, she feels badly about herself. And the scenario you describe - sadly common. And these boys do not consider it rape because the girl consented. Was desperate for it, in their eyes. You can tell the school, but I doubt they'll do anything about it. This is where sexting also is an issue - people blame the girls, but again, it is a boy saying to the girl, "If you want to be popular with my in crowd, you have to do this. All the girls do."

    Virginity is no longer what it used to be. What is far more important these days, is a girl's sense of personal integrity and self-worth. here is where it can go nasty - what has happened to her can damage her self-worth and sense of integrity, and make her more vulnerable to similar exploitation, even if right now she feels she is sadder but wiser. No, she's only sadder.

    The best you can do is show her you love her unconditionally. Tell her she will always be your little girl, you love her regardless. Do not talk about this being rape or coercion - in hr memory, she CAN find the part of her that at some level enjoyed the wooing, the excitement, the feeling of being in love. She will be MORE confused if you try to explain that it still is legally, rape. Sadly, trying to take action is only likely to do her more harm in a number of ways. Sadly too, this is why this stuff continues. Because it generally is more damaging to the girls, to try to stop it. And it won't stop, it just goes deeper underground.

    So - love her. Hug her. Tell her you are not angry with her in any way. If you are angry, it is that she was taken advantage of and that her first time was not what it should have been for her. But that it will not matter to her in the long run, if she can find that bit of her inside that is strong, is resilient, and knows she deserves better.

    Therapy - certainly. But a big start, I think, will be your love and reassurance. Don't ask for details. If she tells you, listen and hug her. But don't probe. Don't interrogate. That will also make it clear that you love her unconditionally.

    And as for us - don't compare. You have problems with a typical teen that I thankfully don't have to worry about. Last Friday when we were at difficult child 3's correspondence school, I was talking with one of his favourite teachers. This year, now he is 17, there is a compulsory subject he has to study, all about personal responsibility with sex and drugs. Neither of those is on difficult child 3's radar at all. He may not even understand the topic. Similarly with his older brother, I knew I would never have to worry about him using drugs. My biggest concern is with easy child 2/difficult child 2 who occasionally binges on alcohol, but seems to be settling down even there. She was out drinking one Christmas with her friends and her husband, all in one large group, at a different bar to their usual, and was slipped a mickey finn (probably GHB). She could have died, nobody realised at the time. Whoever drugged her probably thought she was there as a single girl, her husband was up the other end of the bar with the other guys while she was hanging with the girls. When I found out, I wanted to rewrite the laws of our country, to allow me to take that bar apart (and its staff). But we had absolutely no evidence - it was too late for blood tests by the time she was with it. Her husband didn't realise, just thought she was drunk, but she had zero memory for about 36 hours. It was only what she could piece together from what her friends told her, that she began to realise. And she was ill for months from the after-effects.

    She did nothing to put herself in danger; far from it. She is a careful girl even when drunk. She covers her glass constantly. From what I have since found, this particular bar in Sydney has a bad reputation for this, the bartender is suspected of being involved in a group who do this regularly - get one girl doped up, then lie in wait for her as she leaves the bar. They 'help' her out if they can. Then a group of them have their fun, secure in knowing she won't remember a thing. But it backfired in this case, because she thankfully was not there unpartnered.

    Your daughter has had a very nasty lesson in the dark side of humanity. it sadly will not be her last, but you will need to allow, even encourage, a certain amount of hardness and cynicism in her, to help shield her from more nastiness.

    I am so sorry you are going through this.

    Marg
     
  20. miles2go

    miles2go Member

    I know it's been said in this thread and it may not apply to your situation but I think it's worth repeating that these days dating is out, hooking up is in. You are not "dating someon or not", you are "sexually active or not".
    My daughter after coming home from a sleepover:"Are you proud of me, dad? <The girl whose place it was>, another girl and I stayed in, but two other girls went to <local elementary school grounds> to have sex." I am slow on the uptake, "umm with whom, with each other?". "No, some boys met them there". As I sit there trying to digest, "so aren't you proud of me, dad?" "Umm yeah honey".
    It has become about the same as sneaking a cigarette with friends.
    No representations are made about emotional commitment and not much clothes comes off; one just decides one's ready under overt or not-so-overt peer pressure.
    And then they discover emotional flood that is hard for much stronger people to make sense of.
    On another occasion my daughter says "Dad, you need to buy me a ring with a diamond, some girls have one for this." I know she's talking about purity ring but I ask "A ring for what?". "The ring prevents you from becoming a w*****".
    I of course ask how big a diamond does she need for that and reflect that the potency of the ring must have declined (rather than protecting virginity it just prevents whoredom) but then I realize that it is the same thing to them -- if not a virgin then a w*****, nothing in the middle.
    If not a tee-totaler then a binge-drinker, it's just the way their brain is.
    Your daughter is not like a grown-up dealing with issues, she's like a person whose brain is going to go through a difficult and vulnerable spot -- good luck to her and you going througj it.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2011
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