The emails I'm

[Wiped Out]

receiving from my mom are starting to make me feel horrible. We are going to visit the weekend of August 1st.

She is upset because I am coming the weekend a friend from high school (that lives in San Francisco) will be in town. I try to do this to combine the visits together. She thinks I would not otherwise come to see her (if my friend wasn't going to be in town). This is not true but makes sense to combine the visits.

Next e-mail is I never stay long enough (of course, she thinks it's because I don't love her and thinks I blame her for her divorcing my dad, again not true which I told her in the email). I explained to her that our visits are usually short for a couple reasons, one being that even though we have summers off, the kids are involved in activities (well at least difficult child is involved). I also told her that difficult child doesn't travel well which is true.

Next e-mail is she still thinks I blame her for the divorce, she thinks I blame her for telling me on the phone (she didn't she told me in person-I remember). She thinks I visit only because I feel obligated (not true). She says easy child is bored always there. I told her easy child is always bored no matter where she is. She says she thinks she will be going into the psychiatric hospital soon because she is going through some things. I'm guessing these things are mostly me and my short visit although I know she was upset my niece went to our family reunion this weekend instead of coming to see her (it was a reunion on my dad's side).

I am trying hard to detach from all this but I have to answer her daily emails or she thinks I'm mad. I'm trying to put it out of my mind but it has been bothering me all day long. Nothing I say in my emails seems to make a difference. I know better than to get her on the phone as she'll only cry, get upset and probably hang up.

Mom is not an easy person to be around but I do love her, just not sure what to do. Wish she would remember that she used to hate going to visit her parents or my dad's parents, we rarely went.

Thanks for listening, I'm just feeling bad tonight that nothing I say or do seems to help.

 

[klmno]

I don't know why some mothers seem to get a little strange as they age- or as in my case, they get stranger. LOL! Would it help (and can you stand) to take her out to lunch or something so just the two of you can spend a little time together alone while you are there? You have to draw the line somewhere if you make an effort to reassure her but she keeps piling on the guilt trips. I know it's hard to let it all roll off your back, though.

 

[witzend]

It sounds as though she has some distorted thinking issues. I think you will still find a link to that page on the CD links page. It seems as though she is choosing to look at her glass as half empty. Really, her glass is full. She looks for the shortcomings in her life, and she is finding them.

I hope that you will be able to enjoy your visit with her. You do much more than many daughters would when you take the time to see her. Maybe you can find a time to let her know that you will enjoy the time that you do spend with her. You won't dwell upon what isn't going to be, and that you hope that she will be able to enjoy her time with you as well, rather than worrying about what isn't going to happen.

 

[Hound dog]

I'm sure her current emails are making it difficult to look forward to visiting her.

My Mom does the same thing......it's when I know she's becoming unstable. Nothing I do or say changes it. It's really tough to talk to her when she's like that.

(((hugs)))

 

[Star*]

WO -

You know that last thing where you say I wish she would remember she used to HATE going to see her parents? That is just it. SHE used to. I think you need to gently remind her of that and then tell her that you are not her - and that you enjoy your visits with her and your daily emails. That she is NOT the burden your grandmother was to her - and that you enjoy and value your friendship with her, and reassure her of that.

I think a lot of times we as children can pay for the sins of our Mothers if we don't set our Moms straight and even then sometimes it's a mute point - but at least in our minds we did the best we could to set the record straight. It sounds to me as if she's very lonely and has a need to get involved in something other than rehasing the past mistakes of her life. Maybe if she had a hobby, or something to keep her busy?

I get so very little time with my Mom - I treasure every minute and I know you enjoy the time you do to - so tell her you don't want to waste a single minute and set the tone from the onset of the visit - by telling her there is something very important you want to speak to her about and go from there. Let her know she is and always will be number one in your heart, and that you also have other friends that you are going to see - but not spend as much time with while you're in Sanfran....and that while you are with them - it would be the best time to take bored easy child on a special granma /granddaughter once in a lifetime day - and ask her to plan the moon for it. You can help right?

It's harder the older you get to break into a new "crowd" or game or anything as far as hobbies go - so don't expect miracles - but maybe take her to some places while you're there and introduce her and help her break the ice?

I'm sorry she feels the way she does but I think you're just Warrior Daughter enough to set her straight once and for all - I'm rooting for you!

Hugs
Star

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Sending hugs. Moms can be a challenge as they get older. I hope the visit goes well.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Sharon (WO),

I'm going to send you a pm when I have a bit more time.

Sending lots of hugs... SFR

 

[Wiped Out]

K-My mom gets stranger too, actually she has always been this way. No chance for alone time, she wants to spend as much time as possible with the kiddos.

Lisa-Thanks for understanding-it is so hard to talk with her when she is like this.

Star-You are right that she is lonely. We keep telling her to get more involved in volunteering. She does do a bit at the hospital and also at her church. husband, easy child, and difficult child usually come with me when I'm visiting my friends back home (in Green Bay-I wish it was SanFran-she lives there but will be home). Everyone brings there kids and we hang out at a park, bowling, or a pool. easy child being more gfgish these days doesn't like spending time with Grandma-my mom is hard to explain but she doesn't relate well with the kids even though she so desparately wants to. Thanks for being in my corner!

Beth-Thanks for the hugs!

SFR-Thanks too for the hugs!

 

[totoro]

Well you are very patient and a wonderful daughter. You are much like my husband. His Momma guilts him so bad yet has never helped him feel like he has ever been good enough.

I would have hard time with those e-mails.
But I admire your attempt at trying hard at keeping the peace.

Mother and Daughter relationships have always been very fascinating to me. Something I am going to try very hard to do a good job at with my girls... who knows! It seems so hard! LOL