The "Psycho" of Madness Continues.........

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Jul 18, 2016.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    In a "nut" shell...........

    Went to hubs family reunion this weekend. He has a huge family, and it was hosted at a beach park near where Tornado and my grands are "staying". Camping and cultural activities, family, potluck meals and fun.
    So, the tribe came, Tornado, three grands and Volcano. I was not happy to see him, he had caused that obnoxiously disgusting row after hubs scattering of ashes which resulted in his jaw being broken and surgically wired shut. Tornado hung around the house a bit after his parents picked up my grands, and then obviously went back to him, again. No communication since (three weeks). I was glad to see my grands and daughter, yet reserved and edgy since they were both drinking, never a good thing.
    Found out after the explosion of crazy at my house, that they lost their temporary housing due to some incident that got them kicked out, only to couch surf at a friends house where another incident got them kicked out from there. UGH. Now, they are living in a tent outside of Volcanos sisters house.
    Believe you me, I went right up to Volcano and told him that what he did to my daughter, and the way he conducted himself the night of hubs scattering was disgusting, and that he needed to get help.
    What is causing me great distress is the condition that Volcano is in, and the fact that he is around my grands, my daughter. He is looking more psychotic, which leads me to believe he is on something again, or due to all of his substance abuse has gone completely bonkers. Snapped.
    Grand #2 was laying on a blanket when Hoku said, "What happened to your face?" (He had a nick in his cheek area) He angrily and softly replied "My dad BIT me." The words circled around his little body then wrapped tight around my heart.
    My dear Lord, what on earth is going on with these people? The conversation continued, he and his sister were fighting over something, so his dad tackled him and BIT him on his cheek.
    BIT HIM!
    Volcano was not there as this new revelation shocked the heck out of all of us, then he appeared and sat down, trying to have a casual conversation.
    I, mortified at the degradation of this said "I cannot sit here and have a conversation with you after what I just heard from my grandson. You BIT HIM? I went on about how this is abuse, unacceptable, I said it was a demonic act..........yes demonic, who the heck bites their child as discipline?
    He then began to tell me that they had already had a "family meeting" with his sister, parents,etc. and somewhat snidely thanked me for bringing it up again. In between shallow apologies there were statements of "You need to accept me as I am"
    Of course I sputtered about the drinking, possible drugging, to which he replied "It happened when I just got up, I wasn't on anything, so you tell me what is wrong with me?"
    I mentioned mental illness and for his own, and his kids sake, he needed to get help.
    He said he planned to.....uh huh.
    My daughter through all of this was not there for the conversation, was cruising around drinking.

    Am I in a frigging HORROR movie?

    I called CPS. I cannot take in my grands. The "psycho" just continues.
    The worker listened to my story, remarked that they have a case, but they "can't find them". I have no idea where they are living, as you may imagine we have little to no contact with Volcanos family. I do not know the sisters address.
    I do not have much faith in the system. They have been in it for so long and are able to skirt around it, keep their kids, who are pretty much reduced to cash cows for the EBT funds. I am disgusted with the whole thing. Utterly appalled and disgusted.

    I talked with my three grands that day and told them how much I loved them. Reminded the eldest to call me if they needed anything. Had him repeat my number a few times. I told them that they needed to reach out to trusted adults, teachers etc. if this keeps going on. As I said those words, I kept thinking, "Leafy, you are a "trusted" adult, and did it get them anywhere?"
    I am sick with this. Just gut wrenching, can't eat downright sick. See the look on my grands face. Flat affect. Misery. WTF?
    I told the CPS worker that I realize after so long of trying to help, that the place my daughter and her three need to be in is a DV shelter, not my home. She agreed and said I have enough on my plate.
    Hopefully, they will "find" them.
    OMG, friends, when will this ever, ever end?

    Heartbroken and really pissed off
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    OMG Leafy what a disturbing picture you painted. So sad for your little grandson.

    It truly is a horror movie!!! I'm so glad you called CPS and I do hope they find them and get those kiddos in a stable environment.

    I don't have grandkids so I can't even imagine. I hope and pray my son doesn't create any until he gets his :censored2: together - if ever!

    I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry that this never ending hell goes on and on for you. You need a long break from dealing with all of this.

    You certainly don't deserve it my kind and amazing cyber friend.
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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you RN, I just got a call from a concerned niece. My daughter stayed at the camp as everyone around packed up. She confided to another niece that she wanted to go to a shelter. I am praying that this happens. I told my niece that it is not for me to step in, that she has to do this on her own. There are ways for her to get the help she needs, and when I have stepped in, it hasn't worked. It is a hollow feeling inside of my gut, but I have to stop the urge to go into rescue mode. If Tornado wanted to get in touch with me to ask for assistance to get to a shelter, she knows my number.
    So, I am turning the horrified feelings around to fervent prayers that she follows through and gets help for herself and my grands.
    Please Lord, help.
    Thank you RN for your kindness.
    Maybe, just maybe she has hit rock bottom and is ready to climb out.
    Got to get going and clean up.
  4. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    I am speechless, Leafy. You are in my thoughts ~ malama pono.
    Believing pule that a seed is nuturing in Tornado.
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Kalahou, this is my go to. Ke Akua, please help and guide her, Lord knows I have tried. It is in His, and her hands. That is what I have to rely on to go forward in my life. Rescue mode, does not work. Never has. So here, again, I am feeling better having vented and let it out. I am grateful for this site. Posting helps and the kind loving responses from my fellow warriors are so very much appreciated.
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  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    No Bueno!! You did the right thing calling cps. I pray that she goes to the shelter.
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh, Leafy. I am completely speechless, once again slack-jawed and flabbergasted.

    Yes, Leafy, it is all you can do. I totally agree with that. Not only do you have more than enough on your plate, I think even in the BEST of circumstances, without all the terrible you have had in your own life recently, they need to be in a DV shelter.

    Yes, Leafy, I agree with this too.

    Leafy, I just am so very SORRY you are going through this.

    Yes, you have done the right thing, and the right thing again, in my opinion.

    I will add my fervent prayers to yours, Leafy.
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  8. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Leafy....I have no words. I can only say....My Heart, Is With Your Heart.

    Peace to you, dear Sister
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I felt sick in my stomach just reading your post. The helplessness.

    I am so sorry New Leaf. I am so proud of you for understanding your own limitations and your own boundaries. I am glad you are telling us...and not rescuing and rushing in to try to fix something. I understand that you know it doesn't work...and have to live with the knowledge that your precious grandchildren are in a very bad situation. You are living with the awful knowing..and dealing with yourself...and not acting. This is the hardest part and being able to do it---even with a huge cost---is something I really understand and appreciate. You're not alone in this.

    Hang in there. Keep telling us. We care.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Pasa, prayers are powerful things, I pray the same.

    This is true, Albie. Every time they have come here, Volcano eventually follows and wreaks havoc in my home. I am not equipped to help, I have no control over the choices they both make. That has become crystal clear. I know that the best help is a DV shelter. Rules must be followed, counseling is offered for mother and children, perhaps rehab, but most of all hope and a clear way to climb out of the pit.
    That simply does not happen here. We all just get dragged into the muck. I made a promise to my son last summer as he lay crying, curled up in a ball.
    I promised him no more, and I intend to keep that promise.

    Thank you Albie. Your kindness and prayers in your own time of need is so much appreciated.

    Ponygirl, as mine is with yours, thank you very much for that comfort.

    COM, I felt myself starting to spiral, and ruminate over and again....... the desperation.......then I said to myself
    "LEAFY! STOP! Okay, do something if you must."
    That something turned into calling CPS.
    I am not equipped to step in. I spoke up to both parents, to my grands. That is the extent of my capability at this point. I know my limitations, I have absolutely no control over the situation. It is worse in my home.
    My focus has to be on my son. He is my responsibility. I love my daughter, my grands with all of my heart. They are HER responsibility. HER children. I hope and pray that she will see what is happening to them, to herself and take steps to fix it.
    There are resources and help out there that go far beyond what I can offer. My stepping in, offering my home, is a deterrent to that. That just prolongs the agony, infiltrates the peace of my home and prevents them from getting the proper help they need. This, I have to ruminate and spin on, not rescue mode. (Even as I write this, my stomach twists......) I wouldn't be human if I was not affected, I have to stop allowing myself to be infected........
    Thank you COM. It is the hardest part, the what ifs........but, I do believe in a higher power and need to remind myself that I gave them all over to God. They were only on loan to me in the first place. I did the best job I could. With that, if I do have faith, than I must have faith that He is watching over them.
    Thank you so very much COM. It is a blessing to be here, I am very thankful for the wisdom, kindness and comfort offered.
    It is a light, on a dark, dark night.
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  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I completely agree with everything you wrote. This is letting go. This is what letting go looks like.

    Realizing our own limitations, and giving them up to the Universe/our God/our Higher Power/whatever we believe in outside ourselves.

    Detachment with love means arrival on the other side. You clearly have arrived there. It doesn't mean it still isn't the hardest thing in the world.

    We're here for you and with you.
  12. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    Oh Leafy -
    I can just feel the pain and sheer sickness when you describe the situation. My heart and prayers go out to you. Hopefully something can come of your calling CPS to at least get the children in a better place.
  13. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    What an incredibly difficult and painful situation you and your family are in. My heart goes out to you and yours.

    As a school guidance counsellor I work with many grandparents raising their grandkids and its so tough. This is not an easy situation and every case is different. I can only imagine your pain.

    I think telling your grands they are loved and being a presence is still so important. Keep up the good work, they need to hear and see you when possible.

    Be kind to yourself, and take care dear Leafy.....
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Snm, I hope so too, the system is so overloaded. I just keep plugging along and praying for healing for all of them.

    It is hard Colleen. I have relatives who have done this. The thing is, CPS goal is to rehab and reunite the kids with their parents. I have had workers tell me the grands situation is "not that terrible". Huh. I see lots of grandparents raising grandchildren, it is epidemic. My daughter needs to recognize her responsibility. If I take care of my grands, that will not happen. My priority is my son. It has to be. He has suffered enough.
    I do think they know they are loved. The problem is, they are used as pawns. Contact, no contact. It is sad.

    Thank you Colleen. I hope things are going well with you. It is a hard road we all travel to living our lives as sanely and as best as possible, despite the choices our d cs make. Hopefully one day soon, they will see the light.
  15. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Leafy that is horrible. I cannot even imagine hearing your grand tell you that his dad bit him. That is so frightening! It's just plain mean. I am so sorry for you and your grands.

    You did all you can do. It was very wise of you to have the oldest repeat back your phone number. You let them know how much you love them.

    There isn't much more you can do.

    You have had enough to deal with, you don't need this on top of everything else.

    I do hope you are taking time for yourself.

    Detaching from our d_c's is one thing but when there are grands involved it's so much more complicated.

    Hang in there sweet lady. ((HUGS)) to you.....