The Ripple Effects....................

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Aug 26, 2016.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I have been contemplating how to share what I have been feeling these past couple of weeks. My emotions have been all over the place.

    There are so many ripple effects of the choices made by difficult children. They reach far and wide and sometimes reach into years.

    As some of you know, I shared that my nephew was murdered. I flew out to be with my sister and family for his funeral.

    While my nephew called my sister and brother in law "mom" and "dad" he was technically their grandson. He was taken from my niece at an early age due to severe neglect. My sister raised my nephew and he grew into a very compassionate adult. Always willing to help and perhaps too trusting.

    He met a guy where he worked who was wanting to move out on his own but couldn't afford it so my nephew talked to him about them renting an apt. together. The young man was wanting to make a poor decision and my nephew tried talking him out of it, telling him it was not a good idea. This didn't set well with this young man and he snapped. He killed my nephew.

    While I was with my sister and family I learned more about the young man that took my nephews life.
    He was born to a meth addict and was found wondering the streets at age 3. He was adopted by a very good family and was raised in a loving, nurturing home. I spoke with people who knew this family. They said this young man has always had emotional and anger issues. With his birth mother actively using meth while pregnant and God only knows what he experienced those first few years of life I am not surprised. This however does not negate the fact he murdered someone but does offer some insight.

    My heart breaks for the loss of my nephew, it breaks for the grief my sister and brother are enduring. Not only is my sister grieving for the loss of her son but she is dealing with her daughter (nephews birth mother) who has been trying to insert herself into the role of "mother" since his death. She has made claims of being very active in life of my nephew which is not true. She showed up for holidays and birthdays and only because my sister invited her. My heart breaks for my niece also. It's so sad that she lost custody of this child and watched her own mother raise him as her own. My nephew made the choice to call my sister "mom" and that has always bothered my niece, my nephew called my niece by her name. She has never really owned up to the truth of why she lost custody. Typical difficult child behavior, she blames other people. I feel bad for my niece in that she does not have the network of friends that my sister and brother in law have. They have so many people reaching out to help them.

    My heart goes out the family of the young man who took my nephews life. I can imagine what they are going through. The wondering "if only we had done this or that". The guilt that they couldn't stop their son. While their son is alive, they have still lost him. It's highly unlikely that he will ever get out of prison due to the circumstances of the murder. I hope they can find a site like this to help them navigate all the emotions that go with having a difficult child.

    In a discussion with my sister and family we all agree that none of us harbor any ill feelings towards the parents of this young man and while we hate what he did, we do not hate him. We discussed forgiveness and how it's for us not the young man who did this. We have a choice to carry in our hearts bitterness towards this young man or love for the memory of my nephew and those who are still here. We choose love. I am reminded of the quote: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"
    Yes, we choose to love and forgive.

    This has also had an impact on my son. He has reached out to me via FB private messages telling me he wants our relationship to be better. I too would like that but am also very aware that I need to proceed with caution. We shall see how it goes.

    The ripple effects of choices made are far reaching and long lasting.

    Thanks for letting me share this.
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  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful story.

    It is admirable that you and your family forgive this lost soul that killed your nephew. I agree that he himself is in much pain and your compassion says so much about the type of person/people you are. Holding on to hate, even when others have wronged us, does nothing good for us.

    What a tragedy all the way around from your sister to her daughter and the murder of your nephew.

    Good that your son reached out. Sometimes we don't know what little thing it will take or many little things.

    Makes me think that sometimes we just need to be grateful for "what is".
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    So very true.
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    The ripple effect can be amazing ripples too...we can all make difference...we are all trying.

    Sorry for your grief, forgiveness is not easy.

  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your grief and your loss, Tanya. What a beautiful and inspiring story of forgiveness. I can see from your post that it truly is a matter of choice. Thank you so much for sharing. Many hugs to you and your family today.
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  6. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    A beautiful, inspiring post.
    Much love to you and your family Tanya x
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a lovely and inspiring post Tanya, I'm so sorry for the pain of it .........and so impressed with your compassion and ability to forgive.

    You've learned much on your life's journey, I do know how difficult it's been....... and I'm so grateful you share it with us.
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  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I will add my prayers for healing and peace for all those touched by this tragic loss.
  9. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    I too am sorry for your loss my prayers for you and your family
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thank you all so much for your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

    ((HUGS)) to you all....................
  11. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    I'm so sorry for your loss. What a truly tragic and heart wrenching situation.

    I hope that good does come out of this in that your son recognizes that life is precious and can change in a second.

    Nothing is guaranteed to us in this world, and hopefully this will wake him up to the precious time with the people he loves that he is lost.

    I hope there is healing and peace for you all.
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Tanya - I'm so sorry for your loss and for everyone involved in this awful tragedy. I always say I feel as bad for the family of the killer as I do the victim in these cases. I can't imagine the guilt and horror of realizing the child you raised and loved took a life. May all of you find peace.
  13. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    Thank you for sharing. Amidst the tragedies of things we witness in this society such as addiction, abandonment, mental illness, and death your story illustrates our power to choose our reaction of love and forgiveness to these.