The story of my son, hard to write.

[BusynMember]

Adad, it took a long time and a lot of work and compliance on my part. But I never stopped functioning or slept all day. I was very motivated to get better. It was a steady uphill climb and the right medications really really really helped. And I took good care of myself. I never tried self medication including even alcohol or cigarettes. I think your mental illness gets better if you listen to your psychiatrist and act mature. Most of the adult kids who bring us here are not only mentally ill but self sabatage by refusing medications that work in favor of miraculous, wonderful pot and alcohol or they refuse therapy and they refuse to fight for themselves. And sometimes we help them give up because we feel sorry for them. I get it. We let them act like little kids because of say depression.

I had no parents to baby me. If I wanted to get better, I had to take care of my needs. So I was never that person who used depression and severe anxiety as an excuse not to function. If I had a panic attack ar work, I went to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall and waited it out.

Panic attacks are scary...But as many psychiatrists have told me, they can't kill you and will go away. I would repeat this to myself over and over again . But I worked, took care of kids, cooked, did laundry etc. A lot of any mental illness is your motivation to fight it and listening to the doctors. You can't give up on yourself. Sadly many of the adult children here seem to have already given up. My son will do nothing to make his life better and i can't do anything about it.

So I have no exact age when things leaped forward....Just that I tried and my life got steadily steadily better from my very depressed teens to now. You must have a fighting spirit. A good attitude helps any illness, even cancer. My son doesn't have it but my daughter who used drugs is very strong and that is how and why she quit.

We can try, but we can't do it for them. We are alone in fighting our illnesses. But it is hard. Enabling adults in my opinion keeps them from needing/wanting to fight to wellness. That's how I see it. It's a positive or negative attitude in the person. You want it or you don't.

I am currently sadly contemplative. A six year old girl just lost her father. He ODd, addicted to pain pills after back surgery. He did nothing but lay around and take drugs. Now he is gone and his little girl doesn't understand. My oldest daughter is friends with the little girls mother. This 35 year old man child took himself from his daughter and others who loved him. He was living with his sister. She found him. Imagine reliving that forever. He was bleeding from nose and mouth on his back in bed. That was what he left her with.

It didn't have to end this way. But he didn't try. It is very sad. He was a good person.

 

[A dad]

Okay I know you get better especially if your depression is at an functional level but when was it gone in years.
Do not get me wrong but there is something that people should know depressed people no matter the degree do not connect with other people at an deeper level its better. For example my son really has nothing to talk to anyone if we are talking small talk.He is a person who works has its own apartment makes his groceries cleans his house but that is about all.
I am sure that without his jobs his depression will be even worse but something is missing here is it not? I am old enough to know that every person is capable of making close connections with others no matter their flaws if they want too.
So this is why I ask how long did it took you to be great in years. Besides us he does not have any other close relationships and he is not actually close to us physically(like being hundreds of km away) and emotionally he does not really call us or talks much to us besides some short talk about work and health very short like less then an minute ones.
So how long with treatment? I asked professionals and said it depends an answer that I really dislike. So I ask you who suffered from this illness.

 

[BusynMember]

I dont see that depression stops close relationships. Autism yes. Depression no. And I was suicidally depressed and bad enough to be admitted to a hospital for ten weeks. Unless they ferl you are very bad, they wont admit you.

I think men often dont talk about themselves and their feelings as much as women. Having borh boys snd girls, my girls are more talky to me about life, especially oldest. My sons talk, but not in as much intimate detail. Maybe this is your sons personality.

Good for your son for trying!! Does he see a psychiatrist? I had to be on medications to ferl the depression lift amd the real me to emerge. The medications that finally worked hsppened at 39. Its been very much uphill since then. My depression was too severe and constant to get rid of it without an antidepressant. I was quite ill. Bit I still got close to many people and often confided in them about my challenges. I never was one who pulled back or wouldnt talk. I attended many groups for depression and codependency. They also really helped me.

I know you.hate this, but every case is different. Finding what works takes time, different for each person


None of my kids call me all the time. I think this is normal for adults. They have busy lives. I dont call them that much either. We touch base. Everyone is here and there, me too. But we are very close. Hope that makes sense.

 

[A dad]

I am not gonna argue that its not true I am sure my son does that too but you know as well as I do that a close relationship is more then that its not about knowing other people its requires more investment in that person.
The group and things are of an more distant level. I am talking about close friends, lovers, people that you consider them part of your life.

 

[BusynMember]

Thats true, adad, but I had very close friendships that were not surface. I always did. My parents didnt like me so not them. But I always had friends who I knew snd who knew me on a very deep level. And i am close in that way with my husband and kids. You dont have to talk every day to share the deep and important stuff

I have many challenges and have shared maybe too much here, but I have not lied about myself. I am picky about whom I bring in, but when Im in, I am all in. VERY close. On every level. I am not afraid of intimacy, just careful about who I get close to. My husbsnd and I share everything. We are a fortress.

Not everyone is like me and my experience is that males do not tend to share as much as women. Of course that is just my experience.

 

[Copabanana]

So how long with treatment? I asked professionals and said it depends an answer that I really dislike. So I ask you who suffered from this illness.

I will answer here personally and based upon what I have seen with my work. First. Forgive me, a dad. Your replies are always sparing but precise. I tend to go on and on.

The answer you are looking for is complicated and nuanced. There is no one size fits all.

First there are depressive types of people--that is their attitude, temperament, brain physiology, etc., may act to predispose them to depression. Second there are societies with depressive cultures (and histories) that may feed into depressive temperaments. There are people with a history of trauma which is predisposing to depression. And people with intrapsychic conflict that comes from their histories; and people (all of us, I think) with habitual ways of thinking, that predispose us to suffer. There are people whose habits reinforce sadness: alcohol and drug use, isolation, mindless computer use, indolence, for example. But these too can be a symptom of depression so it is hard to tell which is the chicken or the egg.

I have suffered from major depression maybe 3 to half a dozen times in my life. (Depressed every day, sleep problems, anxiety, isolating, dwelling, no interest in much, hopeless, etc.) I am also easily affected, upset by things that might not bother other people. When the latter happens I have learned to go to bed for a day or two and restore myself. When my mother died, I grieved seriously for over 3 years, largely in bed. *Which is really overboard, and caused me no end of upset.

I think this was due in part to my life story but also in part to my underlying tendency to become depressed. Also, mourning, pure and simple.

I was also very guarded from personal relationships for most of my younger life where I would be too exposed and vulnerable. My relationships were shallow (with one exception) and while I had many friends and seemed warm and devoted, I held back. I see that now.

The deep and profound relationships in my life came late: with M and with my son.

That said there is a great deal that can help depression but it requires a dedicated commitment to alter one's outlook and lifestyle. How would I do it?

Somatic treatments rather than conventional therapy or in addition to them: much of this can be done by oneself. Bilateral movement by either arms or legs or both. Walking. Running. Needlework. (There is a science behind this which one can read about in books, by Peter Levine, for one.) Dance.

Change in outlook and thinking (therapy, for example but also meditation, and spirituality, in general: All religions, but Eastern religions make this central.

My son believes he has had great response to an anti-inflammation diet and feels more personality stability and self control.

Culture. I had a real inspiration when I began to listen to traditional music, such as Portuguese Fado (among others) which is traditional vocals, some ancient, songs, in minor key (like blues) that are based upon the concept in Portuguese called saudades. The closest translation in English is "yearning" for that which one wants but does not have, has lost, or can never have. Fado means "fate" but to me means "faith", too. Being human entails wishing and wanting, what one does not have...and there is more out of our control than within it. Keeping this idea central changes my perspective on things.

I better understand what it is to live and to be human. There are things we can do and change, and that which we cannot. End of story. We live, and we die. End of story. And that we live pretty much as every other human being has lived who has gone before us. There is something to be said about life itself, that it cannot be gotten over and changed, in its essentials. Very much opposite the idea of taking Prozac to cure one's life. Somehow for me, this is liberating, and makes life seem sweeter and more meaningful, that it cannot be "cured."

The answer, how long, depends upon in large part your son. But also on fate and destiny. I was despairing when for 3 years I was depressed after my mother died. But then I began to do what I could...a little bit of some of the things I mention above. And then I realized that very profound changes had been at work in me for those years, and that I am a changed person. It is as if I was hatching myself those three years in bed. And now I am way, way better. In some ways better than before.

Your son has more potential for control than he may exert. But nobody has 100 percent control. Because it's life.

 

[A dad]

YEah its annoying to have such a tough ilness. Tough in many ways but I mean resistance.
THe son of the was little control over the illness but I wonder is it his fault?

 

[BusynMember]

Depression is nobodys fault. Not helping yourself, using drugs for self medication and refusug therapy and other known interventions to help the depression is on the person.

I was too sick for any non medical supports to help me. I tried things like serious exercise and St. JOHNS Worts but I was so bad that I considered electroshock therapy. If not for the last medication trial, I may have gone that route.

But I was not going to give up on myself. That was in my hands, even though I cant remember a time i did not have both depression and anxiety before my medications that worked. But I didnt cause it. This runs in the family as does anxiety. Cant blame your DNA.

I am very relieved that I never had electroshock therapy.

 

[Copabanana]

THe son of the was little control over the illness but I wonder is it his fault?

Not his fault but his responsibility.

Everybody has to start where they are. It is his responsibility to deal with who he is.

It is the hardest thing in my life to watch my son who I see as NOT dealing responsibility with his challenges.

The thing is, I do not get a vote.

 

[Nomad]

I suffered from mild to moderate depression for years, but would half jokingly call myself a "responsible depressive." I think I only had one episode of major depression and suspect it wasn't as deep as many others according to what I have heard described. Most of my depression has been mild (I believe). I took antidepressants off and on and went to therapy off and on. I always felt it was my responsibility to get help for myself. ON occasion, esp. when I was physically sick or in great pain from health issues...the depression worsened and I would ask my husband for help. I was motivated to get help I think s because my father had major issues...very likely a personality disorder and depression. He brought much pain upon the family. Knowing this, I felt that I absolutely HAD to get help because no doubt I would cause others pain and absolutely did not want to do this. Amazingly, for me (and I do consider it bordering on a MIRACLE) a very significant amount of my depression lifted simply with regular vitamin therapy and talk therapy as needed. I realize this is a blessing and probably wouldn't work for many. BUT, I do think since it helped me so significantly, perhaps it could make at least a dent in the depression of many people. I started taking large dosages of vitamin D, and also take a B complex, a little extra B6 and a little extra B12, plus a good multi. I see a therapist as needed, esp. when Difficult Child is acting out and it is simply overwhelming. I was surprised how significantly better I feel. Hard to say what motivates people to try to get better, but I do think that is a crucial factor in improvement. (Motivation to improve). I knew in my heart I would never want to be like my father...causing pain wherever he went AND making it worse, he had absolutely NO interest in getting any help and could care less how many people got hurt in his path.

 

[Copabanana]

I started taking large dosages of vitamin D, and also take a B complex, a little extra B6 and a little extra B12, plus a good multi.

Nomad. My son swears by supplementation. If I may ask, how much D, B, B6 and B12 do you take.

My son takes Potassium, Calcium and Magnesium, too.

Nomad. Do you do anything special for diet. My son swears by an anti-inflammation diet and eats vast quantities of eggs and fatty fish.

He thinks it helps his mood to stabilize.

Thank you, Nomad.

I am not depressed at this point, but I cope poorly. I go from zero to 100 in a second.

Like I tried to register a new kindle and was told my account is under investigation because somebody tried to use it, it was blocked. I have ticket to cross country by train on Saturday. I began to cry on the phone.

 

[BusynMember]

Supplements. Forgot that. Tried them but for me I still couldnt function.

Medication is the only way for some. I dont want to just be ok. I want to be able to work, handle stress and feel good and up for anything. Witjout medications I never got even close to that point.

I think a lot pf people who wont take medications maybe get better, but they still arent happy. Or productive. I wanted to be all of that and I am. I guess its a choice.

 

[Bart]

Miss June Bug, WOW, sounds like my son. It's helpful, to know there are others out there. It's sort of comforting just to know we are not alone!
I found this site a few years ago and then forgot about it. I am so glad I found it again because we are just at a turning point with our son. I don't know why but we are. We are FINALLY realizing that this is it. This is what we have to work with. We hoped and hoped and hoped for years that he would be a great father, be a great husband, be a great employee, be a great person, be a great contributor to society. We nudged and nudged and nudged him, we NEVER gave up hope that he would be normal. His 2 brothers are just fine. They GET life, they are thriving!!! We have been waiting for years for him to snap out of it. BUT...........
This is what we are left with after all the therapy, arguments, drama, coaxing, drug abuse, marriage, divorce, child, jobs...all the trying and encouraging and refusing to believe that he couldn't get well and be normal. We now know that this is the person we have to deal with.
We just wrote him a list of rules (which we have done before, but are starting again). If he does them for 1 week he can have some canabis oil for his vape.
ALSO, a JOB is being searched for vememently!!!

 

[BusynMember]

What you hoped for for ypur son sadly doesnt matter. He has to be tje one who wants those things for jimself or he eont have thrm.

Our hopes ate nothing but prayers in the wind. We control only one destiny...our own.

I dont see reward systems work for adults. But if you want to do it...why not each month rather than each week?

I wish you luck!

 

[Nomad]

I take a ton of vitamins. Ones most associated with depression improvement:
New chapter multi for women over 40
B 50 by Now
Jarrow D3 5000 iu in am
Jarrow D3 2500 in in pm
Country life or Whole Foods brand B6 50 mg
Methyl B12 by Bluebonnet 2500 mcg


I also take extra c, a little calcium, some magnesium at night...a variety of things.

But I feel strongly the top things mention made a big diff with ref. To depression.

I do think diet helps me a bit too.. reducing gluten and sugar, eating more vegetables and avoiding dehydration.

I would probably add Fish Oil but have a potential medical complication. I try to eat wild salmon fairly regularly.

The New Chapt multi vutamins don't tend to upset the stomach and they are broken down by gender and age and tend to get good reviews all around.

 

[BusynMember]

I think some people can control mild depression this way. Heck, some exercise and feel better.

I do not think most with severe clinical depression can do this though. At any rate if something/ anything helps somebody, yes, do it. Just dont do nothing. Believe you can feel better and do what helps you. Dont just lay around as that makes it worse. Nothing makes depression worse than inactivity. I cant imagine playing videogames nonstop helps either.

 

[Nomad]

Yes, I think the vitamin therapy is mostly for mild depression.
I do wonder if it could provide a boost for more serious issues along with medication.
My weird health problems have made it harder to exercise and I'm finding some depression creeping in.
It all helps.
But , major depression is extraordinarily difficult (and dangerous) and this is not likely to do the trick.

 

[Bart]

Update: We have locked up all the medications and vape juice. Also, he has obeyed our simple rules for the last week and we got him cannabis oil. His dad is put a little in his vape and we are locking up the rest. The difference is unbelievable, it's either placibo or it's real. He's been talking and visiting with family members, he even spent some time with his son! I will keep you posted on the progress. I don't think it's a miracle cure, my son is not cured from all of his issues, but he definately feels better!

 

[Bart]

I'm trying to get here and read everything and every post on this site....that's my goal, but the 4 year old requires a ton of attention, not to mention the 6 other people who live here who also require attention. This is such a great place, so glad I found it! I'm gradually reading everything I can!!!! Thanks to all who have shared, I know its really hard.

 

[wisernow]

So glad to hear there is progress. And the optimism in your posts. Stay strong! Hugs