Tired of all of the drama!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiredof33, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I really feel like I could just hide from everyone for a while!!! Hubby has always been one to internalize his problems and 'retreats to his man cave' instead of discussing the problem.

    He welcomes my children and grands to visit overnight, but doesn't want the grands to bring a friend. They normally only visit once a year for a few days. I can understand that BUT my 18yo came for Thanksgiving and brought her friend. The friend was polite and no trouble at all. I was glad she didn't make the trip driving by herself. Hubby stayed in his room the entire 2 days - he came out 1 time when they arrived to say hello - I just told them he wasn't feeling well - which is the truth!

    My difficult child wants no contact 'cause 'I never loved him' I am not sending money and I have no address to mail a gift. Girl friend has cut off all ties with his family, especially me and his sister.

    Hubby doesn't care for family gatherings, that is OK with me, and I am honest about it to my family, he is the same way with his family. He is friendly when they come to our house - he is a retired massage therapist and works on several of my relatives at no charge. We volunteered for Hospice for 6 years and he gave massages - he is a big hearted good man.

    Hubby's 3 adult daughters really do not keep in touch. 2 have small children and I usually buy Disney gifts and send them. This week I ask him if he had their sizes and likes and he just said, 'no'. I guess he is tired of tracking them down - I know it hurts his feelings when they can't take the time to send a card, much less a phone call.

    When I first met him about 14 years ago he was paying for them to come during the summer to visit for a week. We paid for everything - the trip cost us abou $4000 to $5000 each time. Disney is expensive lol! When we retired that stopped - so now that we do not pay they do not visit.

    He always sends out lots of Christmas cards - nothing this year. I guess he is 'skipping Christmas' this year!

    I will visit my daughter after Christmas and do some shopping. They are very busy with their activites so it works out well for them,and it will take the stress out of the visit.

    I usually enjoy this time of the year, but this year it is really stressful. Am I the only one that has a husband that doesn't enjoy overnight visitors or family gatherings?? As much as I love my wonderful husband he does have some quirks that really stress me out! I think I would rather have him yell and get it out of his system than to retreat and shut down.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Tired. Blended families sure do have their quirks. HUGS to you, you're in the middle of all of it. And, that position is a tough one. I imagine your husband is simply taking care of himself in the only way he knows how to do........I think often when men are hurt, they retreat. And, in my experience, they don't know how to communicate that hurt. You've both been hurt by the actions of your kids, why not find a way to do something together, just for the two of you, take a vacation which is free of kid worry and just enjoy yourselves. It sounds as if both of you are givers and after a while, givers get depleted when they are not receiving in a balanced way. Go give to yourself and give to husband, spend this holiday shifting gears and taking care of each other rather then your adult kids. Lots of HUGS coming your way Tired.......go have some fun!
     
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Many hugs. I'm sorry it is not much fun this year. I think husband owes you a long massage.
     
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My husband has "some" similar issues. He is aok with the children/grands visiting but he honestly has NO idea how much prep I have to do to "orchestrate" fun visits. We were married in '76 and with-o exaggeration my husband still has no clue that I stay up half the night cleaning and preparing good food for our family visitors. It's a bummer. He is NOT a "good time Charlie type"...he is quiet and sincere and kind but I don't "get it"...doesn't her realize I'm not the Marriott staff?? Sigh. I'll quit typing and just reaffirm. I understand. Hugs DDD
    PS: YES, I also enjoy the company...but it is tiring.
     
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Tired,

    I lived with and loved such a man for nearly 30 yrs. It's not such an easy thing to live with even when you do come to understand it. Mostly I think because others don't really "get" it and so think they're being snubbed, ignored, or whatever have you. I know it used to drive my family nuts. There was a point where I did tell Fred that by darn I was always polite and involved with his family especially gatherings and holidays, he could fake it if necessary or else we'd cut everyone off and just stop socializing completely. Now I adored his parents and my sister in law.......but you get nagged for the millionth time about how your husband has ignored visitors or how this person thinks he's ignoring them purposely just to be hurtful........one too many times. That was the point where I was at.

    Fred wasn't a very social person. He could manage for short periods with groups of people, but preferred one on one with those he felt comfortable with.........which was mainly me. Being autistic, he had weak social skills and it made him anxious. But we did manage to reach an agreement (because he certainly didn't want me cutting off socialization with his family) he didn't have to be a social butterfly but he did have to be polite and interact, be present and accounted for.......not hiding somewhere else in the house. If he could manage that for a few hours, then I'd let him go off into another room to relax. It worked pretty well.

    It helped that I understood because I'm also not a social person. Oh, I can enjoy myself with people I want to spend time with of course.........but I don't like large groups of people even if it's family. And shoot, while I may love my family, I can only take them in small doses too. lol

    So yes, I understand.

    Hugs
     
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Thanks for the hugs and support!!!! A common complaint I hear at the gym is they are retired, kids are grown, and now the male spouse will not go anywhere! If hubby doesn't want to do things with me there are so many females that will. I'm just stressed with all the **** difficult child has been doing, and having people ask me about it. I'm getting much better at saying that is him - not me - doing it. I think no contact with difficult child for a while will be a big help.

    My mother complains about my dad all of the time. He loves family functions (as long as they are not at his house) but he refuses to go on any over night trips.

    My friend at the gym today told me her SO of about 10 years will not go anywhere with her. For Christmas they are traveling together and she will drop him off at his son's house and she will go to visit her relatives.

    I am meeting my sis visiting from CA in a town close to us for dinner Friday night and I will travel after Christmas for some shopping and visiting with my teen grands. I was single for 20 years and can entertain myself lol!!!

    RE: When he gets 'in this mood' I just make polite small talk if I am in his way, and try as best I can to just let him walk out of the 'cave' when he is ready. He did renew our passports so maybe there will be a trip. SOMEDAY lol! There are so many more positives than negatives in our relationship, I need to focus on that part. No one is perfect and I am sure he would gripe about me having no respect for his privacy when he doesn't want non family company!
     
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