What do you do when a sibling continues to bother you & she is a sick person?(long)

[BusynMember]

Ok, many of you know about my sister who has contacted the police about ten times regarding me. The first time, I would say some people would call it valid. She refused to talk to me, and at the time I loved her very much and didn't know why, and she wouldn't tell me why so I went to her house. When she wouldn't let me in I took off my tennis shoe and threw it at her door. I may have said I wouldn't leave until she came out to talk to me. She called the cops. Valid? Maybe. I wouldn't have called the cops, but that's me.

The other nine or so times were for absurd reasons, getting more and more absurd as time passes. The last time she called the cops because I left a message on her answering machine telling her that I'd had a CAT scan. That was it. She called the cops because she didn't want to know that. Um, ok. The cop (we only have a few) is a friend of ours and thought it was a really dumb reason to call him. She said, "Well, you didn't hear his conversation with me." Um, well, he IS a cop and has to treat every call seriously. Anyhoooooo......

I put up a Facebook to see if I could contact old friends, and I used my maiden name, which embarasses her. Our maiden name is Rubnich. It isn't pretty and I got teased mercilessly about it, but, hey, it's how my old classmates knew me. I got called Grubnich. Rubberneck. Also, it is a Jewish name. My sister has built a persona in her town and tells nobody either her maiden name or that she was brought up Jewish and it embarasses her. I did list her as my sister because she IS my sister and I thought maybe it would get me a few more hits and "aha, I know her!" I didn't write anything about her and my account is on private now, but it wasn't before today. My father calls...

Sister called elderly dad to whine that I was posting about her online. I guess she's afraid to call the cops because she thinks I'll contact all of her friends and tell them the horrible Rubnich/Jewish secret (she actually has much worse secrets than that, but this is the one that scares her the most). I would never do it, but I did threaten to do it if she ever called the cops again, so she called our 85 year old father who is suffering with a huge headache and ratted on me and he felt compelled to call me and ask, "Are you posting about Sister?"

Poor man. I told him the truth and told him to lie down and take it easy and wrote scathing letter to Sister about leaving me and Dad alone or I WOULD contact her friends (scary threat, huh?). She wrote back and said, "Go ahead. All my friends no (her spelling) that you're nuts." Ok, so why did she upset my Dad then?

How would you deal with this? I truly do want her to leave my poor 85 year old father alone. This is sister/sister garbage--petty at best, and she is trying to control me through him. It really upset me today. I don't care what she SAID about me, I care that she upset our father. Any creative suggestions to shut her up? There probably aren't any, but I thought I'd try. You ARE a bunch of very creative ladies, since you've all dealt with difficult children. Hey, I'm not saying I'm perfect or innocent in this fallout, but I have tried very hard to stay away from her. I don't call the cops or my father about her.
I'm steaming mad . She'll kill our dad yet with her stupidity.

 

[klmno]

I think I would write her off in my mind, have no more contact with her, and take her off the Facebook page. Just try to forget that she exists.

 

[mstang67chic]

Geesh. Definately take her off your page....no sense dealing with that carp. As for your father.....I don't know what he does or doesn't know/realize about her and what his attitude is but I would be (somewhat) frank with him. I would tell him that for whatever reasons, the two of you just don't get along and occasionally there are obvious bumps in the relationship. (I tried to come up with another phrase but could only think of words/phrases like takes offense, overreacts....you know....those innocent little terms that, if repeated to sis from dad, would cause her to do exactly that.) If she calls him again to "tattle" (ahem...you may want to use a different word when talking to dad ) tell him to just take it with a grain of salt and not to worry about it unless he hears BOTH sides of the story. If there's something going on with you that he needs to know about, you'll let him know. Otherwise, he can make nice noises to her and then just forget about it. He IS your dad and hers so I would also let him know that you do love her.... but the two of you just don't see eye to eye. Not his fault, not yours and not hers. It's just the way it is at least for now. I would just make sure you keep it as neutral and non-judgemental as possible so if he were to repeat it to sis, while SHE may go off about it, at least he'll know you weren't actually telling tales or badmouthing, you know?

Honestly, I don't think talking to her about not bugging dad will do any good. I would predict that if you did that, she'd go running right to him about how mean you are and how you're trying to keep her from him and that would just defeat the whole purpose of the conversation.

 

[witzend]

She sounds like a nut! I agree that you should probably remove her from your facebook page. I'm sorry that she has upset you and upset your father. I would write her off completely. I wouldn't say anything to your father about it, and if he asks I would tell him not to worry about it, that everything is fine. After all, you would never hurt your sister in any way. She's not worth your heartache.

 

[DDD]

Ditto Klmno. DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree, take her off the page, and forget about her. She has issues you cannot even fathom. Nothing you do will ever be right by her.
Why she would care if people knew she was Jewish is beyond me. Scary thought that people still think like that.
I have a sister who is on a lighter end of the spectrum, in reg to "What will people think?" and I just blow her off. I stopped telling her things. She made a huge deal out of eveything. Not worth it.
There will be a sort of grieving process for you, as you give her up, so to speak. Even though you don't get along, you are intertwined from your childhood. Just let go and move on.
Not that you can't do or say what you like. It's your life. Don't let her control it. Just be aware that if you ever become a talk show host, you'll be hearing from her.
Talk to your dad, briefly, tell him you two have had issues, and apologize for both of you, if need be, for bothering him. "We're too old to be bringing you into things," is a valid statement that I would assume he would understand.
Best of luck.

 

[ML]

I agree you need to let her go. She is toxic to your life. I know it is a grieving process but you have to protect yourself. You can't protect your dad from her but you can protect yourself. Hugs..

 

[Hound dog]

Since she's determined you're gonna do it anyway.........I'd be sorely tempted to carry thru with your threat. If she complained, I'd simply say, well see no more to be afraid of everyone knows. lol

But I suppose that's stooping to her level and all that........so remove her from Facebook and your life. You don't need that garbage.

My sis is terrified her kids will know her real age. *cough* Well she used to be. Once when she was visiting they asked me. I told them that I wasn't supposed to tell.......but told them she's 5 yrs senior to me and I was xx age. lol Sis nearly died when she (of course) found out. I told her to grow up. There is no crime in trying to come off younger but when it gets to the point you'd be 10 when your eldest child was born........it's just gotten ridiculous.

Sister obviously has some major issues going on.

Hugs

 

[gcvmom]

Chiming in with the same thoughts as others here.

You cannot control her or how she treats others. You can only control yourself and your own thoughts. Just don't allow her any mental real estate... detach, detach, detach. And if your dad calls again about something similar, just smile and tell him you have no idea what he's talking about, then change the subject.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[BusynMember]

Hi, guys. I actually mentally detached from her when she tried to mess up my relationship with my dad by saying it was MY fault that SHE canceled his 85th birthday party. I rarely think of her anymore. I had my grieving process long ago, when she did this to me the first time and I threw a shoe at her door and she called the cops. That was when I still lived in Illinois and I was in my very early 40's, so I've been able to detach from her for some time. I just hate when she tells me to contact her (which I'll never do again) or lies to my dad about my intentions or what I've done, in her delusional mind. And I double double double HATE when she bothers my 85 year old father with this trash. It's between her and me, not him. Does she want to kill him?

Thanks, all. Thanks for listening.

 

[susiestar]

I don't know if she wants to kill him. Probably more like she doesn't care about it or thinks about what all she will inherit if he dies. If she thinks about it at all.

Block her phone number from your phones. Don't open emails from her - just save them in a file labeled whackjob sister. If she calls your dad, just reassure him. Don't let her take up space in your brain - cause she ain't worth the rent!

Hugs. I know how hard this is.

 

[BusynMember]

You're right, Sus. And I think she's just so anxious to control me that she called him! It's not the first time she involved him in sister/sister tiffs, even at his age. I think I'll buy him an "I love you, Dad" card and mail it to him. He loves that sort of stuff.
My sister is a whack job. I always ignore her unless she calls the cops on me for laughable reasons (and, trust me, they know it--like they have nothing better to do than to visit me because it's part of their job to acknowledge all complaints). Yet the last few times, they just told me she called when they saw me around town...lol. And they rolled their eyes a bit. If shes calls my father, well, that's endangering his health. I've upset him before. I'm no angel. But at his age I never call him to bug him about this stuff anymore. It's too risky and it's mean. But when he calls me about Sissy, I *have* to think about her. Other than that, I act like I have no family except for my dad because I've always been the "black sheep" and I got sick of it. Grimly, in these latter days, I think my father is seeing Sissy for exactly what she is. And it isn't pretty.

 

[Marguerite]

A point here you need to consider - your dad can choose to let this upset him or he can choose to detach. You can't choose for him. So let him know what oters have said, that you may love your sister but as things currently stand you simply need to not be in communication because she seems to misinterpret everything you say or do. And that you feel she shouldn't be trying to draw him into taking sides 9which is pretty much what it boils down to.

Instead, I agree - remove her from your Facebook. Instead you can say, "I do have one sister of whom I am very fond but for privacy reasons (hers) I choose to not list her name or other details here."
Be as non-committal as you possibly can, and maybe even print out a screen dump and give your father acopy so he can see what you have on your Facebook (for when she calls).

by the way, how did she know about your Facebook page? Did you send a link to her or is she tracking you online?

I seriously suggest you do not contact her except where she contacts you (nicely) and requests a reply. She sounds a lot like a whackjob colleague of mine from writing class who constantly sends out inflammatory emails or emotionally blackmailing glurge or chain letters, then gets really angry if we dare to respond. The same person would telephone me to whine about all the people in her life who were being mean to her and would often hark back to her early childhood to include all those who had ever hurt her in her litany of woes; the phone would ring and I would check the clock then the TV guide to see which of her favourite TV shows had just finished! She had a list of people she would ring. If person A on her list was unavailable she would ring person B, and so on. We were being used to stroke her ego plus alleviate her boredom. Outside thta, we have no purpose in her life.

You have more important things in your life than to worry about tiptoing around someone else's fragile ego. Your father should be emotionally strong enough to let it all wash over and past hi without taking her rubbish on board. If he DOES take her rubbish on board, maybe that explains why she does it - she has been enabled to be a pain all her life.

In which case - tell him that it is HIS choice to be upset (or not) by her antics. Keep him in the loop but make sure you have much more interesting stuff to talk to him about, that does not involve your sister in any way whatsoever.

It's annoying, but it can be dealt with; generally by extreme and total avoidance.

You don't have to be Amish for shunning to work.

Marg

 

[klmno]

Well, if she's like my family, she is blaming you for any ill-health this causes your father. After all (sarcastically speaking) she would not have had to call your father to tattle on you if you hadn't done something she didn't like.