Why is it always the middle of the night...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Apr 19, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    ...when either one of my kids decide they want to talk. Not chit chat. Angst stuff.

    difficult child started tonight. It was, of course, right after I had taken my lunesta. I tried to tell her that I really couldn't think too clearly, but she was deep in the throes of angst. I even had her come into my room and talk to me while I was in bed. Of course, it's now 4am, the put you to sleep portion of the lunesta has worn off, I'm wide awake and she's in bed. ARGH!!!

    She doesn't like her hair, she doesn't like her eyebrows, she doesn't like her nose, she doesn't like her mouth, she doesn't like how she's breaking out, she doesn't like the shape of her face, she doesn't like her stomach (if you look with a magnifying glass and tilt your head just right you see a little roll), she doesn't like having a messy room, but she doesn't like cleaning even more, she doesn't like how the clothes she likes don't look good on her, she doesn't like not having friends, she doesn't like how it's so hard for her to meet people, etc, etc, etc, etc.

    And there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. I talked to her and talked to her. Of course, this is far from the first time we've had this conversation. I asked her if she realized that everytime I make any suggestions her response is, I can't, I won't, I don't, It won't work, It doesn't matter. She said, "I guess I'm just a negative person." Ya think? So, I asked her if that was making her happy. No. So, what do you want to do about it? There is nothing to be done.

    I've bought several different products for her hair. They don't work. She does have super thick hair with curl underneath, so it gets poofy and frizzy. But she also has her hair all one length and a blunt cut. I think I finally convinced her tonight to try another hair style. We are going to tweeze her eyebrows tomorrow. I've bought products for acne, but they don't work. It might help if she used them everyday. Or even just more than once in a while. :rolleyes:

    Told her happiness comes from within not from external sources. I know, Mom, she says. So, for tomorrow we are doing the hair, eyebrows and clothes shopping (that was already on the schedule before this all came up). Sunday I'm going to help her with her room. Monday, we are going to start walking and exercising together.

    I'm hoping that if she can find a smidgeon of confidence and maybe a smidgeon of happiness and some kind of sense of accomplishment that she can find the motivation to do the hard work it's going to take to change years worth of negative thinking.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wow...hope you're able to get some sleep, and your shopping/beautifying trip helps difficult child feel better.
  3. tee2

    tee2 New Member

    Wow -- you're such a great mom! Sounds like you know what to do. You know, I remember clearly being that age myself and feeling all those things and just crying for no particular reason. I remember wanting my mom to make me feel better, but knowing there really wasn't anything anyone could do. It still helped to at least get it all out to a sympathetic ear. And of course, to have some way to try to "take control" and DO something about it. So I think your plans are great! I think back and wonder what helped the most, and I think it was just time to get through that age. Is this stuff worse for girls than boys? It seems like it!

    My teen's "angst" moments tend to come right before bedtime, when I'm trying to get my youngest to settle for the night. And she's not quiet about it. She's crying, at the same she's wiping away tears, she's kinda yelling -- she's a mess! But, I'll take it over her "manic" up-all-nighters from a few years ago where she'd come into my room at 3 a.m. ranting/crying about some irrational thing!

    Enjoy your mother/daughter time!
  4. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    I'm sorry she kept you awake...hopefully you got some sleep. I am so impressed with how well you seem to handle these conversations as well as come up with plans to assist her with dealing with some of these emotions. Hats off to difficult child is she actually follows through on some of your suggestions !! You are an awesome mom !!

    by the way - I think all kids decide to talk late at night...
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It sounds like she really wanted some time alone with you too- just to "work out" some things that were bothering her. I'm sorry it was just in the middle of the night. That is probably the time when these things surface in her mind.

    Hair- mine is exactly the way you described hers. I have to use a conditioner - and only certain brands will work. Then I apply a little anit-frizz, restorative "lotion" that doesn't get rinsed out, right after towel-drying. No blow-dryer or curling iron- it makes it worse - unless hair is trimmed VERY often. Also, I wash my hair at night, not in the morning, on most occassions.

    difficult child had to get a prescription medication for acne- the OTC kind didn't work for him.

    Then again, none of these things will really SOLVE the problem- you are right that her happiness and acceptance of herself need to come from within, and I am sure she is beautiful just the way she is!!
    :its_all_good: :beautifulthing:

    It sounds like you are a great Mom and she trusts you and you have a great relationship- it is a good sign for her to be opening up to you about all her insecurites!!
    :bravo: :bravo:

    I wonder if it would help the late-night part of this if you initiated conversations with her earlier in the evening- maybe find a little one to one private time just for the two of you to talk about things in a relaxed situation- before it hits her at 3:00 am!!

    Hope you can stay awake and have a good day!!
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm sorry you didn't get enough sleep. I hate hate that! Your handling of the situation is inspiring. She is a lucky girl to have you for a mom. Hugs, ML
  7. Loving Abbey 2

    Loving Abbey 2 Not really a Newbie

    Sorry she kept you up all night, you are definetly a great mom for talking with her at 4am!! I do have to admit that I really only feel like talking at night. It's when the house is the quietest and I can actually hear myself think. It's also the time when I am least likely to be interupted by difficult child or a phone call or a visitor, etc. And it has always really seemed like my brain works best at night (I always took night classes in college until I had difficult child). Maybe she feels similar?

    I have hair that is difficult too. I always have layers in my hair, it helps lower the volume of curls/waves. But not too short or it bounces up too much. Herbal Essences has a "twisted" mousse for curly hair, I use it and really like it (the gel version not so much). And no blow drying, just air drying. Also if you rinse with cold water after washing and condiitoning then it's just a bit less frizzy.

    I also had to get a prescription for acne. And using it everyday worked. Now I just use a gentle anti-biotic face cleanser.

    Good luck, I hope you get some sleep.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sometimes these "talks" come from needing some special time with Mom. I realized that after about the second dozen of them I had with easy child. lol Not that these things aren't important to her, just it's so nice to have someone who will listen. Friends at that age tend to butt in with their own issues and don't really listen.

    For her hair, she might want to try a layered cut. easy child has the same issues and it really helped.

    For what it's worth, my girls all said the same thing. It's the age to some degree. My girls pluck eyebrows, and only easy child needs to in order to even them out. lol

    Sorry she feels the need to do this so late. Mine seem to do the same thing. You're a great Mom for still being willing to listen. Someday she will realize it.

  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW, I never realized so many other people had hair like mine! I can def say a long layered cut will help. No Blow Drying, and maybe even the "anti-poof" shampoo/conditioner by Sunsilk. I have a hard time finding it, but it is the ONLY thing that works on my son's very similar hair.

    I think she is a lucky kid to have you for a mom. Both for agreeing to to the shopping AND for listening to her so late at night.

    Hugs to you both,

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter is bi-racial and has that poofy hair. She can't manage it herself yet, although she tries, so part of her allowance is going to a cheap hairdresser each week to have it straightened by her. We already had it relaxed. As trite as this is, it really helps her confidence when she feels pretty.
    I think that at night, when it's dark and quiet, the brain goes wild.
  11. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    my difficult child 2 wakes me up a lot at night--almost as bad as a baby, LOL! She is usually sobbing and full of angst over something but by the time we have just sat and talked for an hour or so she seems to feel better and can go to bed. I think I am starting to get it that she just needs reassurance that she is and will be okay and also talking seems to help even if there are no real solutions. Her therapist has told me that saying the words helps connect things in the brain (or something along those lines) so that talking about a problem actually can be helpful.

    Anyway, sounds like you are doing a great job--it is so hard when you want to be able to just wave a magic wand and make everything better and you can't! I am sure you are doing far more than you think or feel you are doing.

  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You are so good!!!
    And do we ALL have frizzy poofy hair???
    I had such horrible in my younger years!!! Now i have learned to tame it... It is all one length right now, because I have not had a chance to take care of it... but it does look better layered. Mine actually when I do not blow dry, only finger comb, apply lots of "calming" products... is super curly, ringlets... otherwise it is a frizzy afro mess.... I am pretty pretty impressed by you and will try harder when K wants to talk about the fairies in the middle of the night next time!!! And my Ambien is kicking in!!! LOL
  13. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Wow, thank you everyone for the vote of confidence and atta boys.

    She was still pretty emotional the next day. My mom came up to do our hair and I left for about 10 minutes. When I got back my mom was mad and difficult child was crying. :faint: That happens a lot when I leave the two of them alone together. Ah, well.