11:30 p.m. and Tyler is AWOL - UPDATE - Found

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by slsh, Dec 6, 2007.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I am just shaking. Got a call from TLP to let me know he was last seen at 6 p.m. leaving the house. SOP for AWOLs from the house is to notify cops after they're 2 hours over due. Cops have been called.

    I feel like throwing up.

    This staff person didn't know much - he had just come on shift. Apparently thank you went out with- roommate but roommate is sleeping sounding in their room right now. ARGH! It took all my self control not to reach through the phone and strangle staff person - go WAKE HIM UP! He said he will when cops get there.


    His parting words were "Don't worry, thank you's a good kid". My less than motherly response was "No he's not - he's stupid. He has no street smarts at all. It's 25 degrees outside and where the he** is he??"

    Prayers please that this is just a stupid stunt and that he's ok.

    If he's ok, I swear to God I'm gonna kill him. OMG... how do parents survive this :censored2:?
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Just heard a big sound outside. Look out to catch a snowplow heading up the street - yep, it's *snowing*, 25 degrees, and he's AWOL.
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sue, I'm so sorry. Prayers and good thoughts going up.

    Update when you can.

  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Well,thank you apparently just strolled his scrawny little behind in at midnight. Staff informed me that he didn't want to talk to me. Whatever.

    Phone rang a second ago. It was my *incredibly* arrogant son. "Staff wanted me to call you to let you know I'm okay." Bored voice.

    thank you, do you have any idea of what you've done?

    "I went AWOL." Arrogant, defiant, like what's my problem.

    Deep breath.... okay thank you, well I'm glad to know you're safe and okay (as I break down in tears).

    "Yeah, well, whatever." Click.

    OMG, I am gonna have some kind of mad on tomorrow morning, once this terror subsides.

    Darn it - he's found one powerful button to push. I don't know if I can hide it.

    How do people do this and stay sane? 'Cuz I'm sure he'll go for a more impressive repeat.

    Blech... going to bed, hopefully, or maybe I'll just stare at the tube all night.

    High point of the night? He had a hotmail account that I couldn't get into, so I said I forget the password, send instructions to alternate email which I *prayed* was yahoo. It was. He now has a new hotmail password that he doesn't know. What is it you ask? momispissed

    Oh to be a fly on the wall.

    There goes another year off my life.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so sorry you had to go through such an awful scare. I'm so glad he's back and safe.

    I hope he hasn't figured out it's a button for you.

    What are the concequences for AWOL? Maybe it'll be enough to deter him from trying it again?

  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    been there done that so many times it is sickening. The saddest thing is that after awhile you do take it in stride. The first few times, you worry yourself sick, imagine the worst. I was almost incoherent with fear. And, yes, she did use it as a weapon. Oh, this makes Mom worry. Cool! But it was done so often, I quit worrying. Heck, I actually went to bed and went to sleep. I was never sure which was worse -- the days I worried myself sick or the days I quit caring she was MIA.

    I'm glad he's okay. I'm really sorry he had such attitude about it all. Don't you wish you could just shake him until his bobble head went flying? Hope they have a suitable consequence for him there.
  7. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Jeeze, Sue, you made me hava a major flashback LOL

    Am glad he is ok. I remember doing way too many midnite rides in a panic wondering where Danny was, but like Meowbunny, after a while, you lean to just go to bed and go to sleep.

    Now he is like a homing pigeon - doesn't matter what time of night it is, he comes home. Since the day he has been old enough to legally stay out all nite, he doesn't.

    Its the reason I am up right now reading posts at 2:30 as all four dogs announced his arrival back to the family nest - and I can't go back to sleep..grrrr

  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm glad he returned on his own accord. Hopefully you can "hide that button from him". Hugs.

  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so glad to know he is safe and I totally understand how now you want to kill him! I hope he doesn't realize what a button it is. Hugs.
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! It stinks that he pulled this and then came through with an attitude.

    That would be at least 1 holiday purchase back to the store.

    When he asked why he didn't get the "insert present name here", just respond, "my hair turned WHITE from worrying about you, so I returned it and used the money to have my hair colored instead - I shouldn't have to advertise your stupidity on my head".

    So there! Uh!

    (I'm in a bit of a childish mood today! Sorry!)


  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am so sorry I missed this last night.

    Sending you hugs, strength, and all kinds of good juju to get through this.
  12. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    In the light of day, I'm surprised that my overridiing emotion is not anger but hurt. I cannot believe that I have a son who is so careless with people who love him. But things are what they are.

    husband and I have made some decisions about dealing with this and with future stunts. We are simply not going to address or acknowledge them. There's nothing left to say to him. He's heard it all from us, over and over. He will not change his behavior based on what we say.

    The priority has to be our relationship with thank you (his choice to nurture or not, but we will continue as we have) and the emotional well being of our other kids. I have to tell you, I so wanted to cancel Christmas but that's not fair to the sibs and is meaningless in terms of any effect it will have on thank you. thank you hasn't done anything "wrong" at home, so we will continue on as before. We'll invite him home for the holiday. He can come or not. We will keep it light.

    husband and I both think that thank you has a very long way to fall before he hits bottom and it's going to be a really ugly ride. We cannot stop it. We toyed with another placement, but to what end? A locked placement would simply delay the inevitable. Another group home (not that there really are any) would only change the geography. We can only hang on to each other and pray that he comes out the other side in one piece.

    Had dentist appointment this morning and couldn't stop crying - but it turns out assistant has 2 of her own difficult children. It's a small world, you know?

    Thanks for the words, especially about it getting "easier". I'm sure we'll be going thru this again - will just have to figure out a way to deal with it without wigging. I was halfway ready to drive up to the city, but really? What good would that do? I can't find my son.

    Heck, sometimes I feel like even when I know where he is, I can't find him.

    Something akin to peace now - maybe resignation, but also acceptance of our limitations as his parents.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    My son - like your son

    My thoughts - like your thoughts until last time he ran away

    My actions - Did NOT go looking for him, did NOT ask anyone to call me, and when they DID? I said "So he's back - whatever." and hung up.

    Right now SLSH - thank you KNOWS you are worried. (and you have a right to be) But I promise you since I have changed MY behavior to "pooh poo, blazeh, whoopie do you ran away" DFD has stopped running away. We had suspected he was unconsciously doing to for the attention as odd as that sounds - and the first 2 times I was JUST LIKE YOU thinking - OMG he has the street savy of a salmon in spawning season swimming through a river of grizzleys."

    So we talked with our psychiatrist and he suggested the next time difficult child pulled his little stunt - call the police and LET HIM GO. Don't call his friends house looking for him, don't drive through the 'hood', don't knock on doors (I could not depend on his thug friends Mom to call me for anything) and if he doesn't show up to my house the next day ? Call the police and report him AGAIN, and again - and again. Just keep getting the reports.

    When the police found him in the house we told time he was at? They threatened to arrest everyone for obstruction and THEN thug Momma sent Dude out. When it involved HER on a more personal level she gave him up. When the cops brought him to the house, we walked outside and said "Yup that's him - can you arrest him or do we HAVE to take him?"

    He actually told the psychiatric. that we didn't even care he had run away. And we said "What's to care about - you were the one that left us - we're not going to track you down or call you like a little kid - you're big enough to run away - you must have considered all options." And we left it at that. The next time he made a reference to "I'm going to run away?" I kicked his door open, threw a Hefty bag on his bed, ripped junk from the closet threw it in the plastic bag, tore open some drawers and threw in a pair of socks and a pair of underpants THEN I tied it shut, opened the front doors, and threw that trash bag in the middle of the yard, came in and said "GET OUT".

    Then went calmly, sat down and finished watching a movie with DF. I came in later to the kitchen and yelled back to DF - "We can paint the bedroom now Dude is gone - he said he was running away and I packed his bag." Dude was LESS than thrilled. His only comment "You could have at least given me a suitcase" and I said "NO - you have never bought a suitcase, I GAVE you the Hefty bag in an effort to help. Next time I'll just toss your clothes OUT and you can BUY a Hefty bag from me they cost around a quarter."

    STOP letting thank you know you get upset by this. Don't tell the staff that you are not really concerned. They forget and will tell the kid or use it as a "tool" to win the kids confidence thinking if they tell the kid Mom is REALLY upset it gives them a right to hear about why they ran away. CRUDOLA. I did that too, too many times. I have no intentions of telling Dobby our house elf at the group home that I care at all. Mostly because I'm tired of being used, and secondly the less I seem to care about ANYTHING dude does the harder he's trying to get it right.

    (I hate being rever psychologied by myself)

  14. saman

    saman New Member

    I'm glad he's ok!
  15. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I think Star has it right, great advice!
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Sue, I am so sorry. :flower:

    Wow, Star. Good advice. From this--:grrr: to this-- :wink:

    I hope I am never where you two have been, although with-my 10-yr-old, I have seen shades of it to know it's more than possible.

    Hugs and strength.
  17. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sorry to have missed this Slsh.
    I can only imagine how frightening this is. Does the group home issue consequences?
    If so, then shrug your shoulders and make the holidays for the family that cares. I would probably suggest that disengaging means letting the staff issue the consequence. Realizing that he has more
    than enough street smarts to get out and get back should allow you not to be as terrified next time.
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hey {{Sue}}

    I'm glad he's okay, safe anyway. Sending more prayers and positive thoughts your way. Hugs~
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Sue...I swear...I think with Dude and thank you they must have been secretly taking lessons from Cory on the sly. Maybe he has been teaching a course on just how to be a difficult child.

    You cannot let him know he has you worried. You know it. This is going to be a really bumpy ride for the next few years. I dont think there is a thing you can do but let him learn for himself exactly what HE doesnt know yet.

    I saw a young man today who made me think of your thank you outside of my therapy appointment. I go to this agency that handles various types of things such as group home placements, aides, etc. Well, the therapist for this guy (or maybe it was his case manager...who knows) and his aide were outside talking when I arrived...with him...lol. And this guy was going on and on about how he wanted to move out of his group home and he could do things on his own...he didnt need anyone else...he knew it all...he didnt even need help! When they were pointing out about money management and all that...he made the comment that he didnt need a light bill because he just wouldnt turn on the lights! He would play his video games by battery power...lmao. I had to speak up and asked...well what about keeping the food in the fridge cold and the heat on? he said...well...thats all I need power for...lmao.

    Yep...a difficult child!
  20. DadRich

    DadRich New Member

    Hi Sue - Long time no see!

    I have learned (the VERYVERY hard way) that I need to let go and let the chips fall where they may. Your kid returned home. Mine do too when they need something. Yours obviously does. He know it and you should too! At that age - let em hurt til they figure it out. Some of mine actually HAVE - others have not. Good to see you are still hanging in there!!!