Marg, my kids knew. They were told. It's one thing to know and to even be told that Dad and Mom will believe them, and it's another thing to react as a child when it is happening, especially if it is a person who is much bigger than you (our adopted son was 11-13 and my kids were very young, daughter was maybe five). My oldest daughter's attacker was a drunk, grown man. We had all the right talks many times. It didn't matter.
I just don't want the blame to start shifting to the parents of these kids who were abused. There is no way to prevent sexual abuse 100% other than to keep your children at your side 100%. My oldest daughter's friend came from a wonderful family and we always checked out where s he went. However, they happened to have company drop by that day and one of the men was drunk...we did not know.
The predators are often so graphic in what they will do to the child and his family that it shuts them up out of fear. The shame that the child feels is puzzling...we had told our daughter that it is always the perps fault (this was before it happened). This is very sticky territory and very heartbreaking. Because of our experiences, I learend a lot abotu sexual predators and abused children/women and their behavior. I even volunteered for a long time at a woman's shelter where many of the clients were raped. It's not pretty and when a younger c hild is confronted by a bigger, stronger person your advice is hard to follow. Unfortunately, I know.What are the kids supposed to do when somebody bigger attacks them. "This isn't approrpriate?" Yes, if they maybe want to get hurt or killed. My younger kid's abuser flashed a knife at them.
Fortunately, sexual abuse isn't a death sentence. All of my kids are doing well, even my twenty-seven year old who has processed what happened to her and come to terms with it. The younger kids got therapy right away, the young man was prosecuted and found guilty, and both k ids got to see justice. Unfortunately, because my oldest daughter didn't tell us at the time, we had no way of knowing who did that to her so we could not press charges or get her the appropriate help at the appropriate time. That is the best we can do, if we can only find out.
Peace