15 year old daughter now sexually active and I don't know how to handle this!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by feelingletdown, Sep 27, 2011.

  1. feelingletdown

    feelingletdown New Member

    Dear all,

    Aplogies for the long winded post before I start! :)

    A few days ago, I found out my 15 year old daughter has had sex with her boyfriend (also 15). I found out because she had left her log in on facebook opened and I admit I snooped. I looked through messages to one of her friends and discovered the news!

    A bit of background if I may....She had been seeing her boyfriend for 5/6 months. Around 3 months into their relationship I was getting rather more concerned that she could potentially become sexually active. I had a long , frank conversation with her (much to her horror!) , trying to encourage her to not "follow the crowd" and ever feel pressured, either by her peers or her boyfriend. I told her that I didn't expect her to remain virginal forever and that I knew young girls her age and younger were sexually active, but what I did hope for was she would make sensible choices . We discussed consequences - pregnancies, STD's etc, and I told her that when she felt the time was right and she was with the right person, and whether I agreed with her decision or not to have sex, I would take her to the doctor's to be placed on birth control. Having this discussion, she firmly announced she was "not stupid mum, I'm not ready to have sex, and I don't intend to have sex until I'm at least 16", I felt reassured she would make good decisions.
    Further background info - we are in the process of obtaining permanent residency and as an aside, I told her that if she gets involved in any illegal activity including underage sex then she compromises our whole future in being successful for permanent residency. ( which may sound a little dramatic but non-the-less a possible consequence that I wanted her to ponder ! Because she happens to love our new country and wouldn't want to move back home)

    So from there, feeling assured that my daughter is sensible and mature, I continued to be supportive of her relationship with her boyfriend, he spent a lot of time with the family, I gave them privacy and short spells of "alone time", but did set ground rules ..that she is not to have friends round when she comes home from school and Im at work.

    At the beginning of last week, she was going through some heartbreak- she had decided she didn't want to see her boyfriend anymore and she broke off with him. She was very upset, he was very upset, and I was very upset to see them both hurting! She told me that she liked another boy at school (who is 17) and she had kissed this other boy. She said she felt like a bad person for hurting her boyfriend, there was lots of tears, and I tried to support her by telling her its all to be expected in teenage relationships and that this didn't make her a bad person. She was sharing her text messages with me, asking my advice re how to reply etc to her boyfriend.

    SO...a few days later (and after my probbing) I learn that despite my best efforts, she had indeed had sex with her boyfriend (whom she had just split up with a few weeks after "the event"). I can't describe my emotions. I felt let down, angry, devastated one minute, then accepting and calm the next. She was at her "new guy's" house to watch a movie and I texted her to let her know I was coming to pick her up earlier than we had agreed.

    I picked her up and I told her of my findings on her facebook. Naturally she was furious that I had snooped through her facebook messages. But as I tried to explain to her, its a parent's perogative to be concerned about the safety and well being of their kids. And particularly in our situation, whereby my husband (her dad)works abroad at present, and I'm here pretty much as a single parent right now, trying to work full time and support both herself and her younger sister. We spent some time talking calmly about things, she told me she didn't regret her decision at all (even though she is now no longer with the boy), and I gave her hugs etc to reassure her she is still loved.

    Over the last few days though I am finding it increasingly hard to handle the situation and Im not sure what to do. For one thing, I don't know whether to tell my husband because I know he will be devastated and even more worried about our living apart right now (which is another long story!)
    I feel responsible somehow...has she done this because of lack of parental supervision? Has she done it because dad is away so much? I know my husband will feel equally responsible and he is feeling guilty enough right now in being away from home as often as he is. This could crush him.

    I'm also finding it really hard to be consistant with my emotions towards my daughter. One minute Im trying to be understanding, realistic and supportive (because I know that whether I like it or not, she'll do what she wants) , but then the more I think about it, the more let down I feel, and the next minute I'm absolutely livid with her telling her she has been totally selfish and irresponsible, and Im playing the heavy hand, telling her she can forget about me being supportive of her new relationship because she broke my trust. It's creating a real rift between us with either her or I stomping off.

    Any advice folks? Should I tell my husband or should I keep it quiet for now. And how do I cope with my own feelings about this whole nightmare in order that I can then at least be consistant with my daughter?

    So many thanks for reading my rambles...I was lying in bed trying to sleep (again!)..I came across this forum and it feels good to vent. I haven't spoken to a single person about this for fear of my daughter (and me!) being judged.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We went through something very similar. I had thought I had explained it to the kids, had made it clear that having sex was an adult choice which brought adult responsibilities but I was there to help them through it when they decided to make these choices. I also talked to them about the emotional fallout of a sexual relationship - it can be simply summarised as "guys give love to get sex; girls give sex to get love." And where this clashes, is when one or both of the kids does not have the emotional maturity to handle the fallout of 'getting physical'.

    What happened with our girls - easy child was about 15 or 16 first time. She had been going out with her boyfriend for over a year, closer to two. It was a long-distance relationship which meant there were times when she visited him in his home town and was out of our supervision. I trusted his family, but NEVER underestimate the determination of really desperate kids to sneak around and get past whatever vigilance is in place.
    I worked out what had happened when easy child, two days after returning from a visit to her boyfriend, developed a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). It was a long drive from our house to the nearest doctor, I used that time to probe, get a confession and explain sorrowfully that if she had confided in me of her intentions I could have given her the information she needed to protect herself from UTIs. The doctor reinforced my advice. We then set up more involved appointments ("if you want the fun, it comes with responsibilities") to sort out contraception, pap smears, sexual health counselling, etc.

    Interestingly, easy child broke up with her boyfriend soon after, and I do think the pressure of the sexual relationship was a big factor. She was utterly distraught, having sex just tied her to him even deeper emotionally, and some guys find that too much to take, they did not expect it as a consequence of sex. And the girls can suddenly become more needy and demanding, often jealous, because the relationship has ramped up to a level that they simply are not ready for emotionally. Especially the guy. easy child did get back with her boyfriend; they broke up again a year later then got back together again and stayed together. Now married and expecting their first baby.

    Then with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - "round heels" was the best way to describe her. We knew her first serious boyfriend wouldn't know what hit him emotionally. We knew they were having sex from the expression on his face - a sort of delighted, ecstatic surprise. The stunned mullet look. We had warned her of the emotional fallout, in this case on the guy. We actually caught them in the act, at which point I read her the riot act (for not being careful enough of a very emotionally vulnerable guy). I got her to the doctor, organised the Pill, pap smears etc as for her sister. But the damage was done. She stayed with this guy for the next 18 months but he became increasingly needy and whiny, as well as using a lot of emotional blackmail. It was the only way he knew to respond emotionally. Eventually they broke up. I had organised Gardasil for her in this time, she was (for various reasons including availability) unable to complete the course until after she began going out with (ie sleeping with) her new boyfriend. She had been with new boyfriend for about a year when a pap smear identified abnormal cells. It took another two years but she finally had a colposcopy to remove a Stage IV pre-cancerous lesion. She wants to have kids one day and was terrified that this would complicate things. She was married by this time (to the second boyfriend, now SIL2) and he was blaming himself for giving her HPV (he had been sexually active before he met her). But it is too soon for HPV caught from him to have led to such an advanced lesion. No, we finally worked out (and his behaviour since has confirmed it) that it was the first boyfriend who gave it to her.

    So how to handle it - above all else, adult pleasures bring adult responsibilities. The break-up does sound like it is related to them taking this next step, and one or both was probably not able to handle it responsibly. If nothing else, I would sit them both down together to resolve differences. Even if they continue to stay separated, at least clear the air as to why and how they broke up. Conflict resolution, primarily. Part of it could have been her becoming more emotionally demanding. or it could have been him getting overly possessive. it's what often happens when children have sex before they're emotionally mature enough.

    Next step - sexual health. Gardasil shots if she hasn't already had them. Regular pap smears (and remember our experiences - if we had not insisted, easy child 2/difficult child 2 could now have full-blown cervical cancer). Contraception. Emotional sexual health. Emotional sexual responsibility.

    The kids have made their choices and you can't unring the bell. Your daughter is now a sexually mature and active individual. You can't put the genie back in the bottle but you can monitor her continuing maturity and help her to make healthier sexual choices from here on.

    If she won't confide details in you, ensure she will do so with the doctor. Find a doctor she will talk to, and until she's an adult, make sure she knows the medical bills are covered. Consider it an investment in your daughter's future.

    I took my kids condom shopping. In Australia we can buy them in the supermarket, they're next to deodorants and hair conditioner. I discussed choices with the kids - ribbed vs unribbed, flavoured, coloured. I told the kids to not waste their time with "ribbed for her pleasure" because the vagina doesn't have enough nerve endings to make it worthwhile. Not at that level. And to avoid the banana-flavoured ones, they're vile. Then I bought a large quantity and ensured that the kids helped me with the groceries at the checkout.

    I'm sure it bought another couple of years of celibacy in my kids!

  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome! This is a tough time for a parent. You truly cannot keep someone from having sex unless you are prepared to keep them in a locked facility and even that isn't always effective. I would insist on a visit with a gynecologist, complete with pelvic exam because that is what a responsible person does when they are sexually active. She should like the doctor. My daughter had problems and had to see a gyn long before this was even a remote issue, and I put a note in the file that they ahve permission to treat my daughter whether I am there or not. Our gyn would do it anyway if the teen got herself there, but having permission from me makes it easier on them. My daughter hasn't needed it, is dealing with major health issue and not boys.

    I don't know if I would tell my husband or not, even though we are not separated by many miles. Some things are between females, and I guess it would depend on how I thought he would react.

    Your daughter does have to take responsibility for her health, and a gyn appointment would help this. You may want to consider the depo provera shot - it gives 3 months of birth control coverage, though no STD coverage. If she hasn't had the gardasil shot series, that is also important to help prevent HPV - which causes genital warts and cervical cancer. Those are things she has to think of now.

    I would say that since she has chosen this step into the adult world,then she needs to take other adult responsibilities around the home. But that is OUR view on it, and may not be yours, which is okay.

    It isn't easy to realize your teen is maturing this way,e sp when you KNOW that she isn't ready to be a parent or necessarily to take the steps to not become a parent.

    The other issue I see is your reading her facebook. in my opinion she is not an adult living in her own home paying her own bills. My kids are fully aware that they ahve no privacy if I want to see something in their room, their online world, or any other aspect of their lives. Not as long as they are minors living in my home. I can search anything I want to, take away anything I don't want them to have - regardless of who coughed up the $$ to pay for it. Does not matter what it is - clothing, photos, books, electronics, they are my children, it is my job to protect them and keep them safe and there is NOTHING I will not yank out of their lives if it is causing a real problem and it is not okay for them to have. My kids have all known I will unplug them from all electronics if they overtake our lives, will read their diaries and facebook and emails.

    In fact, my kids don't have online things I don't ahve passwords to. Read the thread in the watercooler about sexting. What is done online today will be there in twenty years when she wants a promotion and has her own kids. She could face criminal charges for sending a picture of her body to someone using ANY format - child pornography charges. This is stuff you must speak with her about. It is your JOB to keep her safe, as much as possible. in my opinion that means reading her facebook as often as you see fit - and if she wants "privacy", well, she can earn that by behaving appropriately online, in the offline world, sexually and every other way. Period.

    I know others don't agree wth this necessarily, but it seems to be working with my kids at home. I actually don't search their stuff or read emails or whatever unless I get that feeling that something is off. then? they can object but it means taht I get more suspicious - and my kids do NOT want that.

    I hope you can figure out how to handle this in line with your family's values and beliefs. I would insist on monitoring her facebook, email, twitter, etc... for the simple reason that she did NOT take the mature steps to see a doctor before she had sex. If she wants to have adult privileges, then she needs to prove she can handle them, Know what I mean??

    SOrry if I rambled, it is later than I knew and I jsut got very tired all of a sudden. I totally understand that our way is not for every family - and I will support whatever you choose to do in this situation!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm with Susie. What can you do if your daughter wants to have sex? Seclude her from the world?

    If this were my daughter (and I do have a fifteen year old daughter), I would get her on birth control because getting pregnant would be devastating at her age. I hate to say it, but kids are having sex at twelve these days...it's all over...there is little you can do if she wants to be sexually active other than teach her the best way not to get STDs and make sure she does not conceive. I don't think that punishing will help...it will probably bond the two of them even more or make her rebellious. Once it is done, it's done.

    I'm one of those wives who tells my husband everything about the kids and it is up to him how to deal with things (he's pretty good). If you like, go to a family counselor with him and your daughter and have it told to him with a professional there to blunt his reaction and to put it into perspective.

    Although I'm sorry you are going through this, you are hardly alone. in my opinion make the best of it by making sure nothing further happens as a result of this. And (this is just MY opinion) I wouldn't make her feel like a bad person either. I know that when my best friend was pregnant her father called her every horrible name in the book...I was there and I cringed. I wouldn't handle sexual activity that way. I would take a pragmatic approach so that at least the communication would still be there. Maybe one day she will decide to turn back the clock and not have sex again until she is, say, 21. You need to her a voice of reason...somebody she can talk to without making her feel like she is a bad girl.

    This is all just my opinion and how I would handle it. Certainly I'd be disappointed, but things could be worse. She could be on drugs (I think this is WAY worse) or, God forbid, have a terrible illness...sex is just something she started a bit earlier than some girls and, in spite of what she says, she is likely a bit confused about her feelings about having had it...and she needs you more than ever. She needs her dad too, but I know how dad's can get over issues like this.

    Keep us posted.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I thought sex at 15 was pretty normal...
    I would ensure she knows about safety, set her up with a gynecologist, and put her on birth control. Try not to freak about it. If you freak about this, she won't feel comfortable coming to you with bigger issues and you don't want that.
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome--

    Just curious....do you know for sure whether this was her "first time" ? Is it possible that she'd lost her virginity long before your talk ?

    Either way, a visit to the gyn is in order. When I took my daughter, I called ahead and told them I wanted to be sure that the doctor would give her a good talking to about the risks and responsibilities. We ended up getting her the birth control implant. It lasts for 3 years and does not affect hormones as drastically as the depo shot. Plus - we don't have to worry whether or not she is remembering to take because pills.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    been there done that. I understand your emotional responses and your fears. The advice others have given is the same as mine. I would make an appointment. pronto, I would call the doctors office with a heads up and I would insist that she keep the appointment.Funny thing is that although they feel mature enough to "do the dirty", often as teens they feel very hesitant to have their private parts checked out by an MD. Expect some resistance but do not back down. Having raised four girls I believe that often encounters are not based on hormonal reactions so much as they are situational reactions. In some cases they felt motivated by "love", sometimes "curiosity", sometimes subtle "pressure". If you are lucky she will get protection but also come to see that she has to make choices for her body and her life. Empowerment and awareness sometimes can put the brakes on sexual activity for awhle. Sometimes fear of being seen as "easy" can also lead to self discipline. It's a wacky stage of parenting and I hope you find the right key.

    Sharing or not sharing with her Dad has to be your call. My girls would have "died", lol, if I shared with their Dad and the subtle suggestion that I might feel it was right to do so left them aghast. My choice, not suggesting answers for you, was to tell them "I feel it is my duty to let your Dad know that you have chosen this path or to at least suggest to him that I believe you have done so." Different reactions from different daughters. Sigh. DDD
  8. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i would avoid telling dad if you are looking to repair the trust in your relationship with her. sex at 15 IS normal. make sure she gets on a reliable birth control, like the one that is injected every 3months or novaring. the pill is not effective in most 15yo's because you need to take it at the same time everyday and that is not likely to happen for most. i am stating this because i was 17 when i had my first child and i was on the pill and thought i was taking it 'good enough' to be safe. make sure you supply her condoms and try to swallow your anger on the subject. she may have lied to you about not having sex to cover it up but it's not something she did to betray you, although i understand why you feel that way. she was probably trying to spare you the heartache you are feeling now. it is her body and she has the right to share it if she pleases. she's not doing anything out of the ordinary for a girl her age. i would recommend you try to go easy on her and be open to talking about this stuff with her so that if she does run into a problem she can come to you and so that she will be more willing to at least hear you out about your concerns, then it will be up to her to follow through or leave it. if she hasnt gotten a gardasil vaccine i would get on that too, before it's too late. i also caught hpv when i was a teen and have had surgery after surgery after surgery for years. it is not fun. it did not effect my ability to have children but the kids did come with a warning that if i should get a lesion during my pregnancy i could get cancer and become ill or have to terminate early. luckily that hasn't happened but wouldn't it have been nice to have been able to avoid all this.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    The deed is done, there is no going back now. Now? Focus on safe sex and avoiding pregnancy.

    I taught my girls everything and we talked in length about teen dating and the guys view and the girls view........and still they had to find out for themselves. Just as I figured they would. It's the nature of the beast. But because I'd discussed it at length with them......and not just one talk, we're talking it was an open topic in the house and we talked about it all the time on and off for years.....they did have sense to come to me after. One still had to learn the hard way that her mother knew much more about birth control than her boyfriend.

    I recommend getting her into a doctor or clinic and getting her the birth control shot. She doesn't have to remember to take the darn thing, which reduces the chance of an unwanted too young pregnancy.

    At this point, I'd be frank with her about STDs and birth control.

    I never told my husband until a few years after the fact. Men tend to be over protective of their little girls and it can make the whole thing turn ugly fast.

  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh I will also add that I do not talk to my husband about our daughter's female issues. I know that he does not want to know and I do not feel I have to divulge that information to him. That is my department and I will keep it there.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree with most everything that has been said below.

    1. Make a Dr's appointment pronto and discuss a form of BC (for preventing pregnancy) that works with your daughter's lifestyle (meaning, will she be able to remember taking the pill, etc. - there are other options) and take her to buy condoms to have on hand to prevent STDs, etc.

    2. Be as open and honest with her about the responsibilities that come with adult activities. They all want to be grown ups, but so few of them realize the responsibilities that go with those choices.

    3. I did not tell my H for some time. Mainly because it was a mutual decision between my daughters and me. When I felt the time was right, I told my H. He was not happy but respected the fact that it was my daughters' decisions and relied on me to relay any of his thoughts to them, which in our case was primarily about protecting against pregnancy and disease.

    The primary component of my discussions with my daughters (prior and following their sexual activity) focused on caring for their bodies in a healthy way, knowing it was okay to refuse sexual activity, EVEN if they had said yes in the past. They are allowed to choose when it's okay with them and when it's not. IOW, don't think that because they said okay last Saturday, they always have to just go along with it.

    We also discussed personal hygiene and preventing odor and Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)'s by practicing regular personal hygiene. I bought them individually wrapped feminine wipes to keep in their purses.

    And I really stressed how [I feel] sexual activity changes a relationship, especially for young women. I'm not saying that boys do not become emotionally attached to their girl, but for girls, it really does change their expectations in the relationship and they should be aware of that. Also, boys do not seem to consider discretion when sharing with their buds about how 'they got some last night' whereas girls tend to over-romantisize the sex more than boys.

    For your own peace of mind and to help you deal with your daughter's budding sexuality, it would probably help you to seek out someone with whom you are comfortable discussing the matter. Realizing that we are all sexual beings and all choose to act on that at different times in our lives will help you to be less judgmental of your daughter's actions. Just because she's had sex does not mean she will sleep around. Nor does it mean she will be perceieved as being 'easy'. Sex is natural and it's a part of our makeup, you've just hit another milestone in your daughter's life. She knows you love her and you know you love her. All you can do from here on in is be there for her and protect her the best you can and the first step is getting her medical attention to ensure that she understands how to protect herself. I know some people are on the fence about the Gardisil vaccine - and that's their choice. I chose to have my girls vaccinated. My H was against it. In particular, with my difficult child, it was a no-brainer. With easy child, I had some reservations, but am glad that she did, in fact, get the vaccine. It is unrealistic in today's world to believe that our daughter's will be with only one person and there are no guarantees that they will be with a person who hasn't had more than one partner prior. It's about preventive care, in my opinion.

    Big hugs, you will get through this. It's not as horrible as it seems and you will be have bigger issues between now and when your daughter is on her own.
  12. compassion

    compassion Member

    I agree with the implant. This is what my daughter has. I also had her take the garisal (sp??) immunization for HPV, a std.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wasn't paying attention...guess you're not married to Dad. No, t hen I wouldn't tell him.
  14. kwgirl

    kwgirl New Member

    I did a google search because I am going through almost the exact same thing and so relieved to find this sight. My daughter is 14 and her boyfriend just turned 16 last week. I have always had very open communication about sex amongst other things with my daughters and always believed that my girls would come to me first before having sex so we can be prepared. Boy was I wrong! With both of my girls, my older daughter is 17 now, I found out through someone else. Talk about heartbreaking, devastating and embarrassing. Not because the sex was happening but because I felt we were closer than that. With my oldest, she was with her boyfriend for 3 years so I expected it, but still figured I would know because it was something we talked about but she always maintained that they hadnt gotten that far yet. But with my 14 year old, she has only been with this boy for 6 months. Why does she feel it's alresady time to take that extra step? And why not give me the chance to talk to her about it before it happened. Not that it would have changed anything but at least I wouldnt feel like I was betrayed. I'm sick to my stomach with hurt and going back and forth with acceptance and the pain of not knowing. And then this overwhelming feeling of infuriating anger about how young she is and now can't turn back no matter what. I feel helpless and stuck and cant talk to anyone about it. I could never tell my husband who I share everything with becuase I am not sure how he would deal with this her being so young. And, I never told him about my oldest, who is not sexually active now or since, as far as I know. She how could i tell him about my baby an d not throw in that my oldest also has had sex already?

    We love her boyfriend and would never forbid them to see each other, but now knowing that they are having sex...I mean, I don't think I will ever let them be alone again..EVER!

    Oh and by the way, yesterday his mother asked me to meet asap to discuss something about our kids. Of course I knew what it had to be but wasnt expecting the story to be that her son came to her asking her to buy them the morning after pill because they had sex and the condom broke. She said no way and that she had to tell me because if anything I should be the one to buy that for my daughter if it is necessary. Thankfully she has a head on her shoulders and she informed me even after her son threatened to never speak to her again if she did. So, of course my daughter is furious with her boyfriend's mother because she says it wasn't her place to tell me. Meanwhile, her boyfriend's mother was literally on her way to the hospital from our meeting to go be by the side of her 18 year old pregnant daughter while she gave birth to a baby girl. Of course she wasnt going to keep this from me and she has reason to worry about her 16 year old son and his 14 year old girlfriend having sex already! She wanted to make sure I got my daughter protection so we don't have another surprise and these kids can have a future with no unwanted pregnancies.

    So, I am so torn about how to handle things now that it is actually happening. I reacted differently with my older daughter when I found out. I t was way after the fact and I knew they were together for a long period of time. I remember being 16 and having a serious boyfriend. I was more upset that I didnt hear it from her and she showed remorse about that. But, my youngest, my baby, I can't decide what I am more upset about. That I didnt know or that it is happening..or that it happened and now I have no control..I am so confused!!!

    I do thank G-d that they used protection and will continue to make sure I support that. I am also grateful that I know at all but it is still very hard. I am concerened that if/when my husband does find out he will be mad that I kept it from him. But I am more concerned that I will betray their trust if I do tell him and I dont want that either.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hmmmmmmmm. You answered an older thread. Maybe the mods can make this a stand alone thread. Mods?
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    What part of the world do you live in? it can make a difference. Also, you have just resurrected a dinosaur thread. That's okay, but it can mean you don't get the attention you need, for your problem. You might do better if you start your own thread.

    As I said above, you can't unring the bell. Also, once kids have discovered sex, never underestimate their determination to continue to have sex. Even if they break up and move on to other partners, they have now discovered sexual pleasure and will not be able to stop so easily.

    The best thing you can do is what I did - ensure sexual responsibility. If they didn't talk to you before, don't expect it now. But you can talk to them. Insist to your daughter that boyfriend's mother did a loving and wise thing in telling you. boyfriend had a practical concern and it needed to be dealt with. boyfriend's mother was right, you needed to be in the situation. Part of being sexually active means taknig responsibility, and when you are under age, this means you need your parent's help. Not necessarily help to continue to have sex, but frankly, whatever your personal moral stance, recognise that your kids will do what they want to do, and you might as well keep them as safe as possible while they do so.

    Back when I was in my teens, I had serious problems with heavy, painful periods. The treatment back then was to go on the Pill. My mother fought this because I was 17 and had a very demanding (sexually) boyfriend. We were not sexually active but he was putting a lot of pressure on me to have sex. HE wanted me on the Pill, for his own reasons. My mother didn't want me to be on the Pill "because it will remove the last barrier".

    I finally went on the Pill by myself. I did not tell my boyfriend; we were breaking up by that time, but that was not a factor in the timing of my going on the Pill. When I finally told my mother I said to her, "If my going on the Pill is all it takes for me to go out and have sex, then I am abstaining for the wrong reasons and there is no point in applying moral constraints." It was the permissive 70s and I had hunted around to find a medical practice that was prepared to prescribe to a teenager. By the time I got the Pill I was 18. I had to go to a Family Planning clinic where they automatically assumed I was sexually active; part of getting the Pill meant I had to have pap smears and counselling. The doctor was very embarrassed to find he had just done a pap smear on a virgin!

    The Pill was a godsend for me. The heavy periods eased, the pain eased, I could function again. My new boyfriend did not pressure me like the previous one had, but we realised fairly soon into our relationship that this one was for keeps. Still my mother was very resistant to the idea of us ever having sex, and I could not talk to her. I have older sisters but I did not feel I could talk to them either, even though in every other way we are close as a family.

    We had been going out together for over a year before we had sex. We had to sneak around but as I lived away from home there was plenty of opportunity. We found some interesting opportunities, however! And, far from "spoiling it", we still talk about some of those early experiences with fondness. He's a member of this site and lurks here as well as posts here, so I know he will be reading this.

    The Pill did not give me permission to go out and have sex. If it had, then there would have been no point in keeping me off the Pill.

    Sexual responsibility comes with sexual activity. The kids need to learn this. I would talk to my girls (who would not talk to me about these things at the time; they do now). Practical things such as how to avoid UTIs, for example. Keep it practical, don't probe.

    If your husband is likely to react badly, then I understand your not wanting to tell him. However, one day he will find out and you have to deal with his reaction. Perhaps the best thing you can say to him is, "A reaction like yours right now would have made the problems far worse. How would it have helped? I wish I could have told you, but I needed to be able to help our daughter make what wise decisions were still left. A negative reaction would not have helped."

    Fathers tend to be very protective of their daughters, doing even more than mothers to keep their daughters chaste. It is difficult for them to accept that their cute baby doll child is now a sexually active woman. Fathers especially do try to put the genie back in the bottle, but it just won't work.

    Our girls won't generally discuss their sex lives with their father. They rarely discuss such things with me, but if there is a problem, they do come to me. easy child 2/difficult child 2 came to me when she was distressed to find a positive pap smear. She wanted to ignore it and hope it would all go away. That would have been disastrous. She let me tell her father, but was scared he would be angry with her husband (who was blaming himself). Doctors would not discuss which of her partners she could have got it from, which also did not help. I did some research and was able to tell her that the odds were, first boyfriend was the source and not SIL2. I had to work hard to reassure SIL2, he loves her dearly and felt awful for her. We have since found out that first boyfriend was/is a swinger. Was known on the swinging circuit within months of breaking up with easy child 2/difficult child 2, long before he had a regular girlfriend to replace easy child 2/difficult child 2. She was never a swinger, did not know. Was angry when she found out because of what it implied about her relationship with him.

    Your daughter is now a woman, whether you like it or not. Help her adjust. it doesn't mean you give permission. She's just demonstrated tat she doesn't feel she needs to wait for permission anyway. So when your kids want to walk a tightrope and are determined to do it anyway, the least you can do is put a safety net underneath. Or hold their hands.

  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    been there done that! I well remember the mixed emotions. Out of the four girls only the youngest didn't tell me it was time to go to the Gyn and get on bc. The youngest was and still is driven by impulse. She did pay some consequences for her teen choices but just didn't grasp the concept.

    I opted to keep the topic as a female bonding topic. on the other hand I really think it is wonderful when parents share all the traumas and support one another. A couple of my daughters were "goal driven" which helped alot. They acknowledged that having a baby would limit their options which helped. The only thing that helped at all with the youngest was making sure that she realized that her choices would be conversational fodder amongst the boys...and, sadly, it was.

    I'm sending hugs of support to you. Getting thru the teen years is beyond challenging. I wish you well. DDD
  18. Lao

    Lao New Member

    15 is a completely normal age for girls to start these days. And no, it's not "gossip fodder", since most of them are doing the same thing. This should not be seen as a "conduct disorder", it's normal development like it or not. There should not be any punishment, just a frank, earnest talk about safe sex, and sexual assault and what consent means. It doesn't mean she's a "certain type". The nice girls are having sex too. You still don't have to allow it in your house, teens will do it in the woods if they want to. Oh- if you know anyone with a newborn, have her hired to babysit a few times. Especially if the baby is cranky and feverish. She won't get pregnant any time soon if you do that.
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    lao, 15 may be common age, but it is not a healthy age. Where we live, having sex with a 15 year old can get you jail time and a record that will follow you as an adult. When you combine sexual activities with a teen with a conduct disorder, you are asking for major problems. I agree with educating them and providing necessary items for safe sex...but not at ignoring that this is happening. Many teen girls have other issues that lead them to be easily manipulated into having sex for the wrong reasons.

  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Ksm and welcome Lao, this is a very old thread. If you would like, Lao, start a new thread. Welcome to our little corner of the web.....