Feelinalone,
My difficult child is a 12 year old boy. He has been diagnosis'd as ADHD when he was 6. As a baby the sitter would tell me that she had never in her 22 years of caring for infants seen a baby who would get upset for no reason and could not be comforted. WELL that should have been a HUGE red flag!
At age three my difficult child ran off at an amusement park. Once we caught him, he hit, kicked, screamed, bite and scratched me until my husband took him from me and headed for the car. difficult child continued to hit, kick, bite, pinch husband all the way to the car. In the car difficult child was strapped into the car seat and husband attempted to drive around the parking lot so difficult child would fall asleep. NO LUCK..he screamed for three hours all the way home. This was the beginning of many many memoriable "rages".
Here is the good news..they have gotten fewer and farther between and he is better able to collect himself and stop before going "over the edge".
This is what we have done over the years. First, we found physical confrontatin of any kind made him worse. Second, we would try and have someone other than the person that was with him when the rage started interceed. I have no idea why this worked but it did! Third, we would keep our voices very calm and say, "I love you. I know you are feeling out of control right now. I know that you can pull yourself back and gain control. I believe in you. I love you and know you can do it".
It was SO incredibly draining because this would last for hours when he was your son's age. With maturity he seems to be able to stop and control himself 90% of the time.
This last Sunday we had to go to the store. We told difficult child and he went ballestic. Refusing to go, kicking things, telling us we were mean and unfair. The rage started with me so my husband came in to the room. I left the room. husband says to difficult child, " Son, I know you are upset, please tell me why" difficult child is still yelling and kicking things refusing to go. husband says, "You need to close your eyes and take deep breathes and take control of your emotions. You have a choice, you can go with us and have a good time OR if you continue to get upset you will still have to go, but you will be tired and sick because you spent so much enegy fighting going" It took him about five minutes to calm down and agree to go. After he agreed both me and husband hugged him and told him how proud we were of him and what a great decision he made.
We used these technics since he was little. It did not work as well when he was younger, but has seemed to make a big difference the last two years.
Sometimes when he was younger, I would just tell him over and over that I loved him and was there to help him. If possible, I would try and hug him even though his body was ridged and stiff. Sometimes it worked, other times it did not.
I know how exhausting these rages can be. First and foremost do not blame yourself! Second, try your best to stay calm. I know it is so hard to do, but when I spun out of control (crying, yelling back) it seemed difficult child only got worse.
i am not sure if my advice will help your difficult child or you, but I wanted to let you know I feel you pain and understand 100%. Unless you have experienced this you have no idea what these rages are like.
Hang in there, you are a great mom~