21 year old son refuses to stop smoking weed in the house.....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Raoul73, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. Raoul73

    Raoul73 New Member

    My 21 year old son refuses to stop smoking weed in the house after multiple demands to not smoke in the house. He refuses to listen and follow rules. I told my wife that he he has to go. He cant stay here anymore. We've gone round and round on this for years. Is my decision to kick him out uncalled for? Am I being too harsh? Need some advice. Thanks.
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  2. dgrace

    dgrace New Member

    This is a tough issue. Is he employed? Going to school?
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I live in a state that voted to legalize mj. Even still as a parent or landlord I have a legal right to not permit, and to evict a tenant or child for mj use. It is against federal law.

    But that is not the point. Smoking is legal. Chewing tobacco is legal. Alcohol is legal.Wearing shoes in the house is legal. Reptiles are legal. I have the right in my house to make rules about every single one. And enforce them.

    I have thrown out my son multiple times for mj use. Your house your rules. You are the authority with your mate in your home.
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    Last edited: Apr 10, 2018
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I don't allow smoking of any kind in our house. It's a non smoking house.. So he would have to leave if it were me. All the more would he go if he wouldn't work, pay rent, treat us respectfully etc

    It isn't about what is legal or not to me. He is a guest in your house. At 21 if he can't be a nice guest, and won't be productive or follow our house rules, which are not the same as legal laws, I would give him three months to leave.

    If pot were legal in my state and my kid smoked it and had a job, paid the rent, was respectful, etc. he could stay if he always smoked either pot or cigarettes off of my property. Not in my yard. Off the property. I hate the smell of pot and the effects of nicotine in my lungs. I dont want cigarette butts on my property either. Hub and I choose to be smoke free. Even our friends and other family can't pollute our lungs with smoke in our house. Nobody can. And disrespect at 21? Bye.

    Your house/your rules. When he is in his own place and is 100 percent on his own he can make his own house rules in his own place. That means ...as in on his own and not taking a dime from you. Until that day, you can make any rules and stop helping out if he won't comply. A person is on his own when he is fully self supporting. Not getting "help" from the folks.

    He is not a little boy. At 18 he can serve our country. Many do.

    He is a man. He is able bodied. He can find a job and roommates and move out. Or there are shelters. Or he can follow your house rules. You would not be throwing him out. If he doesn't like the rules he would be choosing to leave. Some prefer homelessness to respect and a job and following any rules. That is their choice. I made my daughter leave for drugs and she got it together fast and quit. She has a good life now.

    You and wife need to be on the same page. If not, I recommend marital therapy.
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    Last edited: Apr 10, 2018
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I think you have your answer. Your house/your rules. Hands down.
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  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Swot makes a central point, a united front on the part of a couple.

    If mom is not on board no matter how many people on the internet write "my house my rules" there is still conflict in the house. And by this conflict between the patents, the child is empowered. The problem becomes much greater than mj. It becomes one of authority of parents which is undermined and communication between them. Relationships can crumble.

    If wife does not want to confront the mj, or does not want son to leave, it seems there needs to be conversation and meeting of minds.

    In our home there is a lot of ceding that goes on. One of us frequently joins the other to adopt a position 180 degrees from where we started. Why? Because at bottom we want the same thing. That my son mature to a good and functional person. That there be well being for all.

    There is always a way to find common ground. It is not about being right.
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    Last edited: Apr 10, 2018
  7. DadInProgress

    DadInProgress Member

    Sounds like he needs a swift reality check. And being out on his own would be good. Life isn't what kids see and idolize on tv. I am normally for attempting compassion and communication, but it sounds like he's walking all over you because he knows he can.

    Some sort of action that shows him reality.

    Does he communicate rationally or is it like talking to a defiant child?
  8. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Speaking from personal experience, until you and your wife are on the same page this will continue. It will require both of you to sit down and discuss what you are and aren't willing to put up with and to do. You will have to compromise, she will have to compromise. But until the two of you work it out and present a completely united front, your son will continue to do what he does, finding the cracks between you and your spouse. If you spend most of your energy dealing with your spouse, you aren't spending it dealing with your son.
  9. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    We had to ask son to move out at 18 because he refused to stop smoking in the house. It was very difficult and I still am dealing with feeling guilty BUT, it was the push he needed to shape up and stop smoking. He has been clean for 3 months. I believe it was a combination of not having enough funds to support both housing and weed habit, facing the fact that we were truly not going to have a relationship if he continued to be high all the time and just the logistics of not having a secret safe place to smoke anymore. Then when he was out on his own, he hit complete rock bottom and realized he didn't want that for himself. He wanted to have a family again, he wanted to be able to think clearly, and to be stable. I would never have had the courage to ask him to leave if it wasn't for the wise members of this board who have been there. I get sad when I think that he is so very young and left the nest well before I ever imagined. But for whatever reason, my son ALWAYS picks the hardest way.
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  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree about seeking help for you and your wife to present a united front when dealing with your son. I also agree if he does not stop smoking in your house he needs to leave, it is not just about the smoking it is about the disrespect he is showing you in your house. I was like (and sometimes still am) your wife always trying to protect and enable my son. I have come to the conclusion that my husband is correct about so many things and we are now presenting a united front. I hope that you and your wife can come to an agreement in order to help your son as well.
  11. Iamworn

    Iamworn New Member

    I believe you are doing the right thing in having him move out if he doesn't listen to your house rules.......I had to do that with my son about 5 years ago (and have let him back a couple of times, with him continuing to abuse me and my rules after he had been back for less than a week). He would sleep down by our apt. complex's pool and I would see him sleeping there when I went for nightly walks....he knew I could see him, but I didn't budge. Alot of parents of his druggie friends said they hated me and I was awful; even 2 of them put him up for a while only to find out that he had no respect for anyone's rules so they had him leave too!
    I manage to keep in touch with him but his texts are far and few between. He has said recently that he loves me, but still blames me for his troubles. At least he has a weekend sales job, but he has a long way to go (no drivers license or car-which he totaled).
    Keep us posted please. Yes, it is incredibly painful and I have to pray my guilt feelings away - I know that I did my best, and I know you all did too - his downfall was hanging around with other kids who had absent parents and doing drugs. I tried to shield him from them, but he always found a way. He started at 16 and is almost 21 - he gets sober, then goes right back to drugs. I am anxious to see how things work out for you!
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    Last edited: Apr 25, 2018
  12. isacha1

    isacha1 New Member

    I had to do the same thing when my son was 19. Only I let it go on for too long. For years. I would give him the rules over and over but didn't follow through with the consequences. It wasnt just the smoking in the house. It was total disrespect. No effort to improve himself or his life or to cooperate at all, No respect for any authority or property, Stealing, etc. Until finally one day my husband found his stash of mj. My son went crazy on him and attacked him physically because my husband wouldn't give it back to him. My husband told him he will give it back if he leaves the house and never comes back. My son said ok. So my husband gave it to him. A restraining order was filed. My husband left too. My son kept coming back even sleeping in the dirt on the side of the house because I would not let him in. I even called the police to let them know he has a restraining order and keeps coming around. They took him and held him just over night. Since then my sisters and brother have taken him in only to kick him out because of same reasons. He has been in and out of rehab but always leaving before any progress. Also been held in psychiatric hospitals several times because of being on meth. He's now 23 and recently got into job corp. He was doing so well for 6 months but was kicked out for failing a random drug test. He didn't follow through with going to NA meetings or therapy. Through these last years that he hasn't lived with me I still helped him anyway I could when it came to him wanting to make a positive change. Like go to rehab, dr appointments etc. I would even take his little sister and brother to go visit him and spend fun weekends together while he was at job corps. Now since being kicked out I let him stay with me a couple of days but wont let him stay permanently because he is still the same. Still is entitled wants me to set him up in a "fancy" hotel ( his words) and he is still getting high. He cannot stop smoking weed to save his life. I am thinking I still might be doing too much to help him. Yesterday I took him food and paid a night for him to stay in a motel and he said "I'm still hungry can you at least give me money to buy a pizza?" I think I need to cut him off completely. He still depends on me to figure things out for him. I'm trying to get him into rehab again so he at least has a roof over his head for a while. My only advice is to kick him out as soon as possible and let him fall and pick himself up. Previous poster gave good advice. Try to get your wife on board. It will only get worse and take longer and give you more years of suffering. I also believe they are making the choice themselves. He knows the rules and consequenses and chose to not follow.