A description of a rage

[DammitJanet]

I just thought this might give someone insight into what it is like for the person who is doing the raging.



LOVE ME. SAVE ME

I know I love you. do you know it?
I love you in a way that is more powerful than you could believe.
I am never in doubt of my love for you...
I love you even in the darkest depths of rage and hatred, though I can not feel it then..
I cant let you know this, even though I long to tell you..
If you knew it you might be able to hurt me.. again. and again.


I am afraid. such encompassing fear as you will never be able to know.
I am afraid that I will push you too far.
I fear for our lives. our love.
I am afraid of the pain and loneliness. yet I live each day with it.
I am afraid to trust you. yet I do...
If I trust you you could hurt me over and over...and you do.


When I hurt, I hurt worse than you could ever believe possible.
I want to die when I hurt.. I feel as if I am dying.
I want to die when I believe that you are the one hurting me...
I think you hate me... I know what I am.. I have seen it.
somewhere I know better.. somewhere there is love... but I cant feel it now...
I want to scream for you to love me... to hold me... to rescue me... but I cant. I am afraid.
If you heard that you might be able to hurt me...again.


Franticly I Rage at you, wanting you to hurt too.
you turn away... it is never enough... I always hurt more.
You don't see.. you cant see... what it is to be me.
I Hear what I say...my words a pale shadow against the emotions within me.
I want you to see I can hurt you too..... but.... it is never enough...
why aren't you crying?!
Maybe if you loved me more you would feel like I do,
your love is never enough.....I always love more..


Maybe I am not worthy of your love...
unworthy... unworthy...unworthy.... it echoes in my thoughts
I scream silently for help... hoping, wishing, praying, that it will be different this time.
HELP ME! SAVE ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Crying because I cant say that, how badly I need to... I want to.....I cant
If you heard that you might be able to hurt me ..again.


Unworthy I am filled with hate....
I hate you for making me feel unwanted when I love you so much...
I hate you for not seeing how much I need you to save me...
I hate myself for being too afraid to say it out loud.
I hate you for not loving me enough to help me.
I hate you for not crying like I am..
I hate myself for the cutting things I say.
I hate you for loving me when I hate you.. because I cant feel love...Right now.
it all boils over....


I hurt.... I hate.. I fear......I want to die.


I lie alone on the floor sobbing.
hating myself for the monster within..
Hating myself for the things I've said..
Hating you for not rescuing me...
Hating the fact that I live....
I hurt ... I feel I am dying inside.
The pain kills me.. it is torture


I wonder why you couldn't just love me...save me..
Cant you see I'm a frightened child?
you turned away when I needed you...
how could you not see past the anger to the pain..
it hurts me... you didn't care to look...
you didn't want to help me....


I live and I hurt... and I hurt you..
I should die so I wont hurt like this.
I should die to free you from this hell.
You told me to go ahead... kill myself..
now I know my worth to you.
But I couldn't. you wouldn't do it.... I asked you to...
I tried but I couldn't... I love you too much..
I want to.. I want to die... but I love you.
I love you but you abandon me time after time.


You hate the scars on me... I try not to cut...,
But if I cant die how else to punish myself ?
I am unworthy... you want me dead.. I am unloved...
It has happened again... like I knew it would
such shame in this... such fear... I want to die.
the knife is so shiny... I can feel it.. I long for it..
the hot sting that will free me... I cant... I shouldn't...


the silent plea comes again..
weaker this time... help me.. love me... please..I'm so sorry...
but you cant hear that... you wouldn't believe it.. and I cant say it.
I want to... I am so alone and afraid...
Hurting and hating
I see the way you look at me...
you said to do it...
How could someone I love so much not love me too?
you wont save me.... I hurt.. you want me to die...
I am such a monster that you want me to die..
kill myself? it hurts so bad... I cant escape and I cant die..
Pain numbs pain...
Maybe Ill just bleed instead..


Then your arms shelter me, the storm is over...
you tenderly wipe the blood from me.
I sit limply.. heartbroken.. betrayed.. aching
Crying into your chest, long wracking sobs, wailing as if to wake the dead
your tears fall into my hair as you hold me..
loving me the best you know how... not understanding... afraid.
looking up into your eyes filled with fear myself..
I whisper... I'm sorry...
we cry and hold each other... both alone...and afraid.. but hoping this time will be the last.
knowing it wont be...
slowly you rock me.. I rock you... I wonder how you see me..
I am tired, drained, safe at last in your arms.
the tension leaves me and the memory of the past hour fades quickly...
leaving a headache and the echoing words...
Save me.....

 

[dreamer]

hey yeah! THats it!

I kinda feel like, yeesh I love you way more than you can possibly love me so I hate you cuz I love you more than you love me, and gosh dang.....geeesh will you knock it off and love me as much as I love you, but hey yikes, if I love you this much, you might hurt me. you might leave. you might not be able to take good care of me, but I need you to. Prove to me you do love me enough. no nothing you can do can prove it to me. but gosh I love you SO much......aw heck, I do not NEED you-----wait wait! I DO need you!

UG bleah......pretty messed up.
gosh your description is great!

 

[Marguerite]

You know, reading that it does help me understand. But I remember the few times when I had a huge rage as a child, when I was so angry with someone that I wanted to hurt them physically, grind them into the ground - and then I felt so bad at myself for being so hatefully angry. But nowhere in there did I ever feel I could go home and hug my mother, find some comfort in her arms. Instead, I would go home and find some quiet, solitary place where nobody could see into my heart, then deal with my pain alone until I could come out and continue pretending that everything was alright. I just didn't want to have to explain, because I felt so evil for having such awful, angry thoughts.

When I look back now, I understand why I was angry. I can sympathise but also recognise that I didn't have the coping skills to deal with some of the stuff I had to.

One of the last times I remember hugging my mother (as a young child; not when I was an adult and making the usual goodbye-hello quick hugs) was when we were at a concert and I was tired and wanting to sleep in her arms. I must have only been about three years old. After that I had to hold her hand when crossing the street but that was all.

It's been husband who taught me to touch again.

It's strange, the things that help us remember.

Marg

 

[Hound dog]

Beautifully put.

I see alot of the same things N has described to me in there.

 

[Lori4ever]

Boy, does that make sense. It is so amazing... yet scary to me. Because how in blazes do you help fix this?! I live this almost daily, but it has never had true perspective to it before.