a little progress

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Jul 17, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    So I saw my son the other day. I hadn't heard back from him since i saw the old suicide note so when he texted me because he may have found another place to live I jumped at the chance to go see him. It was good..... he was kicked out of the place he was living. He is not sure why but said it was because the dad blamed his family problems on the extra guests staying there... my sons comment was he isn't looking at the substance abuse by him and his wife or that they are awful parents. I think my son has seen how some really dysfunctional families live and it has put us into new light... and I am very glad he is seeing the bad affects of substance abuse!!! So hopefully this new place will work out, I did write a check for first/last months rent. He is staying with a friend and I offered to buy him some groceries which he was pleased with... and we kind of had fun at the grocery store. He didn't just buy all junk food which I was glad about and he did not ask me to buy him the dreaded cigarettes. I would have said no to that but I was really glad he didn't ask.I did ask him about the suicide note and we had a short but good conversation about that. He said he wrote that and several others but it was a long time ago, doesn't remember exactly when but it was quite a while. I said I felt bad because I felt like I missed just how depressed he was. He said well I worked hard at hiding it. I asked him to come to us if he ever felt like that again and he said he would go to a hospital... so all of that felt better.He also asked about this school his dad has mentioned which is a college for kids with ADHD and learning issues and you get an associates degree. He would live there etc. So I explained it... and he seems interested. I said we want him to know the options but if he does it he has to really want it, and we will support it but we are not pushing it, it has to be something he really wants. So that was also a good conversation.So he is definitely not out of the woods of his issues and I suspect he is at least drinking BUT he does not seem to be really bad substance use wise as he has been in the past. He is seeing his probation officer regularly which is also really good.I am getting better and better about walking that line about loving him, offering him options but not trying to tell him what to do.I had the realization at an alanon meeting that I have to stop waiting for the day when he gets his life together, because in reality that may never happen..... but I can hope that it does, and this visit gave me some hope.
  2. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I am SO happy for you Toughlovin. Sounds like son is thinking clearly about what he does and doesn't need in his life. How awesome that he can see the loving, supportive and stable family that you have given him vs the one he was living with. You are an inspiration to me. I am optomistic that I will have better days ahead too. Hoping that both of my sons will someday realize all they have been given by husband and I as well.

    Love that you are offering help where you can but not telling your son what he "should" do etc. You are so right that it has to genuinely come from him and what he REALLY wants for himself.

  3. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    I am sorry about the situation , at least here is a bit of light in the darkness

    maybe we need to take the attitude of salesmen - every negative response is a step closer to a positive one

    eventually these kids will grow up and deal with their issues

    sending positive thoughts and prayers in your direction

  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks yes there is a little light.... I think as long as my son can stay away from drugs he has what it takes to be successful in life.... however I need to keep quiet about my concerns about his drug/alcohol use because that too is up to him.I did comment to him the other day that most kids his age in our area go to college and that is a way to ease into being on their own, that there is support in figuring things out. The way he is doing things is the hard way and he has always tended to do things the hard way.. he smiled at that becuase he knows that is true. I said that at his age I don't think I would have been able to try and live on my own and support myself. I went to college and got help in doing it. He did say it was a lot easier to think about living in a dorm and going to school then to try and figure out how to commute to the local community college without a car!!! True, very true. So now we just have to wait and see and continue on with my own life.
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You are very wise, toughlovin, to be willing to "love what is" rather than waiting for the day he gets it all together. Hope springs eternal in the hearts of warrior parents, but we must be appreciative of all progress and to celebrate it. You're a great mom!
  6. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I never knew there was a college for ADHD and learning issues. What is the name of it?
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Toughlovin...I dont know that any of us ever get it all together do we? LOL. Im pretty sure my dad lived as long as he did because he was hanging on waiting for me to get my act together!
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    lol Janet.... no we probably don't ever get it ALL together but there are degrees....some regular kids you know are going to gon to live productive lives and others you are worried about them ever getting the basics.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You've found "the light". I hope when I grow up, lol, I will be so wise. It's such a fine line we walk and finding the right balance takes alot of parental maturity. I've got detachment pretty well down pat but that fine line is still a challenge for me. I'm happy for you. DDD
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You just gotta love the baby steps, he didn't buy junk food or ask for cigs...plus he knows where to go for help...the hospital....it's enough progress to bring tears to your eyes. I know what you mean.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    DDD- That fine line is a challenge for me too!!! That is why I post my successes here. LOL. I am getting better at it but it partly is because so is he....but I know at any moment I can fall off the tightrope we walk. I guess the key is when you fall off you pick yourself back up and figure it out for next time.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    toughlovin your post brought a smile to my lips. It sounds like a very productive meeting with difficult child. Baby steps can lead to more baby steps. And you're being realistic and know he could slide back again now and again. Still it's progress, and any progress is good.

  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm glad you were able to reconnect with him and it was a positive day. :)
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL...my baby steps also come when Cory is doing fairly well. He is right now but I still attempt to look at him and mother him. Like right now, I am trying to figure out why they arent going head long into attempting to find out about how to find car seats and things like that. I have flat told him that the one I just bought is going in my car and not being transferred from my car to any car that they want to use. It was too danged expensive. I know I will be the one to bring Mandy home from the hospital because I have the big car seat. All he has is a small truck. I bought a convertable car seat that goes from 5 pounds to 65 pounds. I am going to take it up to someone and get it put in my car correctly.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tl I started to reply to you the ohter day and then I had to leave so I'm sorry I'm late. It sounds like good progress, small steps. He is making contact with you, listening to suggestions and doing some thinking. It's great to hear he realized where he was living was a mess. I loved it when our difficult child told us she ended up hating it where she was at, and she thought it was going to be so much better than living at home. Hopefully he is starting to try to find his way to a better life.

    You know I'm pulling for him.

  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nancy... you and your daughter give me hope because I think we came to this board around the same time and it sounds like our two are so similar.... so I am hoping he pulls it together. I saw him again today... took him to probation to get his drug test etc. and then took him to the verizon store to upload his contacts onto the phone i gave him. I gave him my old phone and I got a new one. His phone was pretty messed up and he needed a new phone. As many others here I want him to have a phone for obvious reasons but i didn't feel like I should get him a brand new phone... So I got a new one and gave him my old one.
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh lordy TL I have been here since 1998 when my difficult child was seven year sold. I hate to admit that but it's the truth. I did probably come to the PE forum around the same time you did though. I've been through all the different forums at one time or another.

    Glad you treated yourself to a new phone. Did you know with Verizon you can download backup assistant and it will automatically back up your contacts. If you ever get a new phone you just log into backup assistant and it automatically transfers all your contacts.

  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK then we joined the PE forum the same time.... .Really I should have been here long ago and I wish I had known about it and been here. I sure could have used support with my very difficult child back then. My difficult child has always been a challenge, even way before drugs got added into the mix!!I sort of knew about backup asst and I guess I better start using it. When we went to the store today we tried to download it and use it on my sons phone, but the phone was so messed up we couldn't do it. the guys at the store were real nice and since the phone couldnt do it they did it for us for free... so at least it got done.