Adult daughter lying and hiding things

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DeeJay, Apr 28, 2018.

  1. DeeJay

    DeeJay New Member

    My oldest daughter 24 who was living with the family bought a condo and told me about it 3 weeks before she left. She has been with the family all her life and then out of the blue she gives me 3 weeks notice she is leaving. I have always had a good relationship with my children 15, 17, 19, 21, & 24 or so I thought. She is a teacher, tutors at Sylvan, and is in school getting her master's degree in school counseling. She did not tell me she had a boyfriend (age 20, works in retail 30 hrs weekly) and they have been together since October 2017. She moved him into her condo. I found out on social media he was living there. She introduced him as a coworker when she was moving her things out of our home. The week after they moved in, she bought him a car in her name and she insists he will make the payments. She said he pays utilities, internet, and she pays mortgage and HOA fees.

    The boy's father has been influential. He works at the school where my daugher teaches and she has come to look at him as a father figure. I tried to explain that no "father figure" or father will tell his little princess to live with a man after 5 months and buy him a car in her name and give him the downpayment. The father knew everything that was going on. No father would tell his daughter to live with a guy who never met anyone in her family. No father would tell his little angel to cover something as significant as the mortgage while the man covers utilites and internet. A father would tell his daughter to slow down and ask what the rush is. The young man is also accepting money from my daughter. I want my daughter to be happy. I think she is desperate for a boyfriend and is settling on this guy. All her friends are coupled up and getting married. This young boy likes to play video games and go to the movies and listen to rap music. When asked what they have in common, she says they like the same movies and music (and she has never listened to rap music). The boy stopped going to college so he "could work more hours." Just looking at this situation, it seems like a train wreck. Any insight is appreciated. It is always good to view things from more than just one lens.
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi DeeJay,

    I completely understand your concern. It sounds very suspect in that the boyfriend and his father are being manipulative. At 24 your daughter is a grown woman who is making her own choices whether good or bad.
    My suggestion for you is to tread lightly. If you come on strong telling her you think the whole thing could blow up in her face you would probably only push her away. At 24 she does not need your permission to do anything and could come to resent you if you try to tell her "what she's doing wrong".
    You want to keep the lines of communication open and if she feels you are disapproving she may shut you out. You don't have to like the boyfriend but letting her think you do can make all the difference. Invite them both over for dinner or take them to lunch. I think of that old saying "keep your friends close but your enemies closer"
    She's at an age where if she is pushed into a corner she may very well choose the boyfriend over her family.

    I know it must be hard for you to have her leave so suddenly but hold onto the good points, she has a good job, she was able to buy a home. It does not sound like she has a drug or alcohol problem and that is something to be happy about.

    Life lessons are tough. As a parent we want our children to grow into responsible adults and thrive. Your daughter has a pretty good start to that. Has she made a poor choice by the boyfriend she has chosen, perhaps but it's her choice.

    Send her a housewarming gift, tell her how proud you are that she has purchased her first home. Tell you how much you love her and that you wish her well as she begins this new chapter.

  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    She'll be dying to get rid of him after one month. She will get tired of babysitting him. The car is in her name. The condo is in her name. Better hope to God she's on the pill.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It is unfortunate when we don't like our grown children's choices but at 24 you can't stop anything she does. My son was about that age when he married a horrible woman. We all saw the disaster but tactfully suggesting anything was ignored. She was a lesson he needed to learn and we had to let him learn it. He, like your daughter, was financially self sufficient.

    At 21 they don't have to tell us anything and often they don't. Often they don't want our input. At 24 they will not listen to us nor should they nor should they still be living with Mom. We learned our lessons. They learn theirs. They don't have to please us.

    My son is 40 and finally ending a custody battles for his son in which he fought to keep 50/50 legal and physical custody. It was a three year battle but he did it and is an amazing, loving father and learned a lot about women and relationships too. We are very close.

    Your daughters growth depends on her decisions, both good and bad. Once they can self support, we have to let them go. We have no choice.

    I would not obsess over her or read her social media.

    We give them roots to grow and wings to fly.

    We can not force adults to fulfil our dreams or even make good choices. All we can do is love them unconditionally as they walk their own paths. I don't really tell any of my four adult kids what to do and all are surviving well. I think it is best for our relationship with them and their learning curb to be quiet.

    Hugs, light and love.
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  5. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    I have found myself completely enmeshed with my 20 year old son, I was 20 when he was born and gave up every part of myself to be his mom. I thought that was what being a parent was all about, I had no healthy examples to go by being raised in an extremely co-dependent/alcoholic household. It was my job to fiercely protect and mold this tiny human into the perfect child and eventually adult. But he is an individual, his own person and he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know yet and he does not want me to tell him. He wants to figure that out on his own. I fought that for a looong time, he should take it from me because I know best... or do I? It’s really hard to sit back and watch as he falters and makes what I consider big mistakes but I have no other choice. What I was doing was obsessing over his every move trying to pry into his personal life so that I could save him if I saw signs of trouble. I started attending alanon and making a point to take care of myself first and I have seen a big improvement in myself. Trying to change him had torn me up and I believe eventually would have cost me my marriage and probably estrangement from my son. I consider myself lucky that he is as stubborn and headstrong as he is because if I would have gotten everything I thought I needed to feel secure and safe he would not be living freely the life he wants for himself. And that is not what I want for him. The best thing we can do is be there for them when they ask for our advice or just need to vent. It’s going to take awhile before my son trusts me enough to do that because I went to far being overly intrusive and giving my opinion when he didn’t ask for it, so now I can just be patient. Good luck to you.
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