I'm back on...and just in time!


Well-Known Member
This has been the worst week ever. A brief history of our adopted granddaughter, a year and a half ago I traveled to Seattle area to bring home her 1.5-year-old son. At that time the baby's father was in jail for domestic battery and she was not coping well and asked for me to fly out and get him and bring him home with me and she would fly out in a week or two.

That week or two turned into 6 weeks, with her missing multiple fights, walking away from where she lived and no one knew where she was, delusional and paranoid thoughts when she would contact us. After she came home she was delusional for two or three months but refused to seek any type of care. She couldn't really interact with her son. She got clean and got better and got a job and it seemed like everything fell apart again.

In the meantime the boyfriend also returned to our part of the state, lived with his parents, returned to his estranged wife, and she had twins about 6 months ago. For the past year he has tried to have his son every other weekend. They have a small home and he works for his parents at a small cafe in a small town.

In the meantime my granddaughter has spiraled out of control. Got kicked out of two rehabs in January and March of this year. She lived in a women's and children's Oxford House for 5 days before she was asked to leave. Since then she's been staying with different friends and seeing her son occasionally. Sometimes no contact for a week at a time.

A week ago, she and a male friend were arrested late at night and had charges relating to meth, paraphernalia, marijuana, no driver's license in possession, and an outstanding warrant for traffic violation. 2 Days later her bio mom bailed her out. She was very sick with the high fever and went to the ER where she was once again diagnosed with a kidney infection. And also that her kidneys were enlarged. She got on antibiotics on Saturday last week.

When our great grandson's father and his side of the family found out about the arrest last Friday, he called us and said his family was pressuring him to take his son before DCF could step in and put him in foster care. I had already talked to my friend that works for DCF and she said if a report was made the probable thing would be that the father would be given custody. We told him we understood, but since we have been his main caretakers I hope he could do this on a gradual basis. He and his wife have also had drug issues but seem to be on track for about a year.

Last night before I went to sleep I looked at the roster for the jail log and sure enough she and the same guy from the previous week were picked up again! Still had meth and marijuana. She already had court scheduled for tomorrow morning.

I don't think anyone will bail her out. I hope not. We are very apprehensive how this may end up. She may get the help she needs and find recovery. We may not have great grandson in our life as we do now. There's so many questions. If DCF got involved they would at least keep track of her progress or lack of progress.

I really don't see this ending well. I will soon be 68 and my husband is 79. We're both healthy and fairly active. You have to be when caring for a 3-year-old! But I don't think DCF would give us physical custody when he has a father that wants him. I believe he is more bonded to us than either parent. I do have contacts with organizations we have had him involved with for the past 7-8 months that could tell the authorities that we are his main caretakers.

And truthfully, at this point, we would like more free time. We have pretty much been parenting 24/7 for a year and a half with a very active toddler. Most the times he's great but I think he has some anxiety issues because he can't depend on Mom to be around for very long. And the times with Dad has only been for 4 days a month.

I've seen people suggest writing to the judge for her case. Any advice or help with what to request?

Also, I'm afraid, she may not have the antibiotic she was given on Saturday for her kidney infection. She was sick the entire time while at the jail and saw the nurse there but nothing was done. I don't know if her car is impounded. I don't know if she had the antibiotics on her when arrested. I believe they probably would not give her medication she had before going into jail. I feel like I should let the medical staff know she needs to finish the medication she was prescribed.

Thanks for any advice and prayers. We need them.
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Well-Known Member
Staff member
I’m so sorry.

I hope someone will chime in who might have some experience or more helpful advice.

The only thing that is clear to me is that you might want to let the medical staff there know of what you understand to be true re her medical condition (kidney issue) and that she was put on needed medication. If this medication was somehow discarded, the consequences could be significant.

If the father is moving toward getting off drugs, that’s a positive. It seems wise to cooperate with him and stay in the picture …working with him. Perhaps helping him…with reference to your grandchild.

As best as you can, try to detach from the extreme chaos and anguish. I know that sounds impossible. But , you both are at retirement age. I think it just is something that is a necessity.

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Deni D

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
Staff member
ksm, I wonder if his dad would consider shared custody for a while and if it would be a good thing for him. It just doesn't seem you grand daughter is going to step up to be a mom anytime soon.

I'm thinking the same thing as Nomad is concerning your grand daughter's kidney infection. Hopefully there is medical staff there you can get in touch with.

I hope they keep her, get her the medical help she needs very soon and then maybe she will figure out she needs to address her addiction. People have, so there's always hope.

This is so much for you to be dealing with.


New Member
It may be time to seek legal advice from an attorney - do so in confidence without alerting the other parties. From your description, you are currently acting as the custodial parents. Your legal position may be stronger than you think. At the very least, you can remove the decision making authority from DCF and may even be able to find a shared custody solution that would be agreeable to the father as well.


Well-Known Member
I wonder if his dad would consider shared custody for a while
I think the first thing to do is go to a family attorney and to decide what you want. I agree with the poster who says you may have more rights than you may think. Maybe a custody agreement could be worked out where his dad got weekends, and when he is older, summers, and holidays? There are previously married people who divide the kids in half. Half time with each parent. Why not with grandparents, if you would want this.

If it did come to shared custody it would optimally be done very, very gradually, starting with one night at his Dad, and only slowly and incrementally increasing the time.

My son got therapy as young as 2 or 3 and it would not be a bad idea, I think, if this is possible. It would help Alex with separation anxiety and attachment.
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