I have a 22 year old daughter. She is my only child. I am struggling with the fact that she seems to resent me. I started noticing her resentment when she was around the age of 16. My husband left me when I was 8 months pregnant. Although I was devastated by his actions, it was for the best. My husband was a drug addict and alcoholic. Fortunately, a week before he walked out, I had asked my dad if I could move back home. He had just remarried in August of 1996 and I moved back home February of 1997. My biological mom had passed away 5 years ago. Moving home was the only choice I had. My husband had practically left me financially dependent upon the state. I was receiving WIC vouchers, food stamps and Medicaid. He never paid the rent and we were constantly moving from one apartment to another until we couldn’t even move into the most dilapidated place due to several unpaid past due rental histories. The only place we were able to find shelter before he walked away was in a crime and drug infested weekly lodge room. We stayed there 4 months before the management threatened to evict us due to non-payment of rent. I was thrilled to go back home. I wasn’t raised in an environment with drugs, alcohol and no stability. I certainly didn’t want my child born into such chaos. On Friday, February 14th,1997, my husband told me to meet him at the lodge room. I had my dad drop me off earlier that day. The manager of the lodge had telephoned twice that day stating the room rent needed to be paid that day before closing or we would immediately have to be evicted. The staff was unaware I had moved out a week before. I told him my husband would be home by 6:15. The manager agreed to keep the office open until 6:30. My husband arrived by 6:15. I told him the manager had phoned about the rent. It was Friday which was payday for my husband. He gave me $20 and said he was going to pay the rent. Our room was on the front, 10 doors down from the rental office. About 10 minutes past and the telephone rang. I answered. It was the manager. He asked was my husband coming. I replied, he said 10 minutes ago he was on the way to pay. The manager said he hadn’t seen him. He asked me to immediately vacate the room. I was in shock. Thank goodness my sister had a cell phone. I phoned her and asked her to pick me up ASAP. She had just left the hairdresser which was located 15 minutes away. I quickly grabbed a few of my dishes, slow cooker and toaster oven. I had no time or the strength to gather my bath towels, linens or other belongings. The manager of the lodge came down to place a special lock on the door. He solemnly asked if I had my belongings out of the room. I was terribly embarrassed. Here I was standing in the rain and cold, 8 months pregnant with my few belongings gathered around my feet. I couldn’t even look at the manager. I just threw up my hand to answer yes instead of speaking. The manager placed the lock on the door and whispered the words, “I’m sorry” as he brushed by me. The lodge was located on a busy street with the bus stop a few steps from the office. I looked up and saw my husband of two years pass by on the bus. I knew at that moment I could never live with him again. My sister arrived and quickly assisted me with loading my belongings into the car. I can’t remember if I explained the situation to her. We drove home with few words being said. Three days after my husband disappeared, one of my husband’s cousins came knocking on my dads door. My dad’s mom answered. Apparently, my husband had taken his fairly new BMW, trashed the car and left it abandoned in a parking lot where the police later recovered it. His cousin was looking for my husband and figured I had heard or seen him. My dad made it clear that my husband was not welcome on his property and we had not seen him. A month later I had my daughter. I had not heard from my husband since he left on that rainy, cold Valentines night. One Saturday evening, the phone rang. My sister answered. She handed me the phone. It was my husband on the other end. He asked had I had the baby. I told him I hadn’t heard of an 11 month pregnancy. She was 2 months old. He started explaining how he hit rock bottom. Sleeping in parks and elevators. He said he went back to the lodge room and broke into the window to take a shower and retrieve changing clothes. I was aware because I had phoned the manager a month before to ask if he had seen my husband. He informed me of him breaking and entering. The manager said he had a warrant out for his arrest. I became afraid thinking my husband’s actions would have the police looking for me. I began nervously explaining to the manager I had nothing to do with it. I made sure he understand I had not heard from my husband. My husband said he couldn’t call because he had entered a program for men who wanted to get clean. The program was offered through a popular church in the city. The dependent phones, someone from the church program picks you up and immediately takes you to a place in a rural area. They provide you with shelter, clothing and spiritual uplifting for 7 weeks. You work the land planting and picking vegetables as a stipend for shelter and meals and you’re cleansing your soul of drugs and alcohol. During this cleansing time you cannot communicate with the outside world under any circumstances. My husband had returned to the main church for further counseling and cleansing. He received his first pass a week later and wanted me to attend with the baby. I agreed to be there. I didn’t have a car. His addictions had gotten 2 cars repossessed. My husband put my sister on the family pass. When I saw him, the greeting was awkward. I handed him our daughter but I didn’t let him out of my sight. I just had a feeling of uneasiness. The program was training him to enter into society by working without temptation of being swayed back into old habits. There were rules, of course. You could only work between the hours of 8:00-5:00. You had to report back to the church by 6:00pm. You had assigned chores to perform around the church. It was mandatory you attended bible study and Sunday service. You received family passes for a month, once a week. Rules and my husband are enemies. About 2 months of being in the program, the complaints began. He claimed he wanted to work and make more money. He kept saying there was a place around the corner from the church where he could make more money because check in time was 11:00 pm. Fourth month into the program, he left. He went around the corner. When my sister and I took the baby to see him around the corner, I saw it for what it was, a drug infested homeless shelter off a dark road. I told him I wasn’t bringing the baby inside. After three months of him being there, I thought I’d take the baby to visit him. He had dodged my phone calls all week. When we drove up, he apparently saw us before we saw him. We spotted him running down a dark alley. I called his name three times. He decided to turn around and come back. My daughter was 7 months and he didn’t see her again until she was 7 years old. When he asked to see her, his visit with her was behind a glass shield in the county jail. He didn’t see her again until she was 10. He had been to prison in a rural town 100 miles from the city. The next time he saw he, she was 12. He once again was living in a lodge hotel room located 15 minutes from where my sister and I were living. Shortly after this visit, he went to prison in New Orleans. By this time, he was on the FBI list. When my daughter turned 8 months, I decided to get back into the workforce. Before I married, I had completed a legal program, as well as a business program. I had worked with prestigious law firms in the city and had been employed with the local college I attended and several years with the IRS. I was employable. I had to sign paperwork stating that I was of sound mind because I was about to forfeit receiving welfare benefits for the next two years to voluntarily go to work. I was more than happy to sign. I was eligible for daycare assistance. In two weeks I had interviewed an in home daycare facility. I found a job as a data entry operator. No benefits and awful pay but it was a start. I worked there for 7 months. The company was bought out by a company located almost an hour from my dads house. I hated getting my baby up at 5:45 am to drop her off at daycare. My sister and I had a good system. Once we dropped my daughter off, she would drop me off at the train station located 5 minutes from her job. This is where the buses would connect for the 45 minute ride. I stayed at this company for 4 years. I received great bonuses, I had decent benefits and was cross trained in every department. When there was overtime available,I took it. I used this opportunity to try to land back on my feet. My husband had bounced over $300 in checks. My account had been closed for over a year. I had been cashing my payroll checks at the local package store. I begged the collection agency to let me pay the checks off 1 by 1 on each payday until I paid them off. They agreed and I was grateful. The day I paid the last check off, I asked my manager if I could leave an hour early. I left to go downtown to open a checking and savings account at a major bank. Next I started trying to rebuild my credit. Everybody was into pagers. One day I decided to see if I qualified. I did and got a pager. He had really destroyed my credit. The only way I could see myself out of the mess he created was to start over and file for chapter 7 bankruptcy. I loved my job but eventually I had to let it go. My sisters employer was making changes and our schedules were slightly clashing. I didn’t stop. I branched into a field I had no formal training. I saw an ad in an employment guide for medical data entry. I applied, I was called in for an interview and got the job. My daughter was 2 years old at this time. Once again, I was about 45 minutes from home but I could arrive at work anytime between 6:00 am - 9:00 am. As long as you completed 8 hours. The job was production based. It was very difficult for me because I wasn’t familiar with medical forms but I had to maintain production. One month after being hired, my department had to work 10 hours “mandatory” overtime a week. It was grueling. We did 10 hours overtime for almost 1 year. I look back and wonder how I did it. Somehow I made production week after week for 10 months. After I had been there 10 months, auditors came in. The auditors discovered shady billing practices and decided to close the entire company. I was selected to remain until the final closing of operations. I was even promoted to perform extra duties for management. I was relieved about the shutdown but I had to find employment. Two weeks before the last group to leave, a coworker approached me. She asked if I was willing to work in another data entry environment. I immediately said no but she told me she knew the lady at another major medical company in charge of hiring for the department. She was the manager. I pondered but decided to call. I was called for an interview. They had me fill out some paperwork. I was accepted for the job in two days. I accepted. The job was 45 minutes from where me and my sister was residing but very convenient to travel. I was minutes away from my sisters job. I could take the train and a shuttle to my employer. I had excellent benefits and perks. Received great bonuses. Worked my way up the ladder. Cross trained in all areas of my department. I worked there for 7 years. Once again my department downsized. I was one of the 3 that was hired, first fired. I drew unemployment for two months. I faithfully went to the Labor department every Monday. I took a few classes offered there to update my skills. Every Tuesday through Thursday, I would get up and surf endlessly for employment on the internet from 8:00 am until 5:00 pm. After 2 months, I landed a job. It was a state contract job, data entry of new hires throughout 5 states. I had to take a $6 pay cut. Hardly any benefits. I took it because something was better than nothing. I was totally out of my element. Although I was accustomed to production, I wasn’t accustomed to people going to work in bedroom slippers, pajama pants, outrageous hair colors, foul language and the list of negatives goes on. It was closer to home but the area was high in crime and the building was over 100 years old. They said it was historic. I saw it as a dump. When I was hired there, my daughter was 12. I stayed until she was 16. One month after I was hired, the economy went upside down due to the housing industry. There were no jobs anywhere. For months my manager tried to hold on to us by forging paperwork. We would sit from 8:00-1:00 or 2 each day for months until she dismissed us each day 2 by 2 in five minute increments. A $6 pay cut, no medical insurance for me. There offered insurance but it was $105 every payday. I was barely bringing home $400 after taxes. Every hour we didn’t work within an 8 hour day meant no pay. I was working to live in poverty. Fortunately, I was living with my sister. We were sinking but stayed just above head level. The economy began to improve in 3 years and employment began growing. My daughter was 15. I decided to hang in there until she graduated. Things took a nosedive for me. In early 2014, going into work, foot became entangled under the old worn entry mat. I fell. It happened so fast it took me a moment to figure out what happened. The floor was concrete. I tried to get up but my knee felt shattered. I was under WC for 4 months. This meant having to leave work early several times a week. The tables started turning. My manager began trying to find ways to fire me. I was determined to remain a step ahead. By Christmas of 2015, I received my WC settlement. I had to voluntarily resign within 7 days after receiving the check. No unemployment for me. I was relieved to leave. I had put in 6 1/2 years at that place. I was one of four that lasted over 2 years. This is when I began noticing my daughter’s distant behavior towards me. She barely spoke to me. She acted as if it was an arduous chore for her to be near me unless my sister was around. The WC settlement went quickly. I gave my sister a lump sum to catch up on some of the household expenses. The rest went towards my bills and expenses my daughter had being a junior in high school. It wasn’t much to begin with but it came right on time. My attorney filed a negligent case against the employer. In the meantime, it was clear I could not go to work for anyone. I filed for disability. It took 8 months for processing but I was approved. I applied for Medicaid and food stamps to ease the financial burden for my sister. I fell a couple of times after leaving my last employer. I simply could not walk without extreme pain. Somehow I developed a sore on my foot. For months it wouldn’t heal. It became infected. My sister made me go to the hospital. I was admitted for three days. They were able to save my foot but I was very sick and didn’t realize it. Red blood cells were extremely low. Before I left my job, there were a few incidents where I fell asleep under the wheel of the car while driving. I realize now my red blood cells were not sufficiently supplying me with enough oxygen. I was thinking I was just tired and burned out. I came home but had to remain in bed as much as possible until the sore healed. That meant I had to be served meals upstairs in bed. My sister had to work. She would prepare yogurts, breakfast bars, juices and sandwiches before leaving for work. My daughter would get home around noon. She barely spoke. I had to start wearing in continence underwear because my knees were in so much pain, I couldn’t get to the restroom in a timely manner. I would place them in a plastic bag. At the end of the day, my sister would take them out. My daughter avoided me like the plague. It really bothered me. One evening I asked her why she was acting distant. Her words were, auntie has always been more of a mom to me than you have.” I thought my heart would explode from pain. I wanted to be sure I heard her correctly. I asked her what did she say. I heard just fine. She repeated it. She was 16 at the time. She’s 22 now and those words still haunt me. If I ask her why she feels that way, her only reply is, “every time I would ask you for something, you would say no.” Auntie always buy me what I need.” Until this day, I have tried to figure out what was so important she felt I didn’t provide. She only comes up saying I didn’t give her money for a locker at school, I told her to take the bus when I could have taken her to school and she went from one high school year to the next without new shoes. I didn’t give her the $3 for the locker because the year before I purchased a locker for her and she didn’t use it. I told her to take the bus because I was so drained and tired feeling I could barely get up. Many mornings I would take her but within that 10 minute drive to and from, I would barely make it home before falling asleep under the wheel. I didn’t buy the shoes not because I was being mean but I just didn’t have the money. She should be mature enough to understand by now but she still holds it against me. Since that statement, she has started numerous arguments with me about buying her things or helping her. I keep trying to explain to her, I’m on disability but she’ll fire back with she is working part time and need help. I used my $2k of my negligence money for her to purchase a used car. She purchased a lemon. I cannot help that. I was worried about her taking Uber’s and I decided to try and help her buy a car. She doesn’t acknowledge the fact that in all the years I struggled working to provide her with food, clothing and shelter. I never abandoned or abused her. I tried to teach her right from wrong. I gave her a home with stability. From the time her dad walked out, I have not dated. I didn’t hang out with friends. I made sure her life had balance. I worked overtime to treat her to $300 birthday parties, plays, movies, sleepovers. We had a home without drinking, smoking, drugs. A home that was clean. I would spend my Sunday’s cooking from morning until evening to be sure she had a home cooked meal most days after work. I paid for summer tutoring so she could remain ahead in her classes when school opened in the fall. I paid for the few extra curricular programs she wanted to participate in. I didn’t come home and not assist her with her homework. I would pay someone to give her the latest hairstyles. From kindergarten to 1st year of high school, I never missed a PTA meeting. If I couldn’t get off my job to take her to receive her allergy shots, I would ask my dad to take her or my sister would take her. Five years of allergy shots. When her asthma would get out of control, I had to come home and take her to urgent care. Sit there for hours. Wouldn’t get home until 2:00 am. She couldn’t lay flat so I would sit up in the bed with her propped against me to sleep. The list goes on. She doesn’t give me credit for anything. I never get a hug or a thank you. All I receive is attitude and disrespect. I don’t have a car and my sister doesn’t let me drive anymore due to the fact I was sleeping under the wheel. My daughter will walk out and doesn’t have the decency to even ask if I need anything. Any information I do receive, I get it second hand from my sister. Her actions hurt my feelings and break my heart. I don’t know where I failed but I feel I have wasted half my life devoting myself to her. Due to my disability, I want to travel and see the world but all seems hopeless now. It took me years of therapy to overcome the helplessness, abandonment and lack of support I received from her dad. It’s as if I’m reliving those same negative feelings with her. I sometimes feel I’d be better off dead. I don’t know what else to do.