Adult Daughter Resents Me

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I now feel I have options to explore.
You do! And we will be right here with you, every step of the way. Pain and suffering are part of life as is joy. They are two sides of the same coin. Because we feel pain this minute, does not mean we will feel it the next. We can learn equanimity. To find that place in us that is strong, above the fray. I think that is one way that this site helps us, those that are already stronger show us that it's possible to find another way, that we deserve it. That it is our right to be content, satisfied, even happy. We don't have to hang out in those psychic pits, where we often are, when we arrive here. I am glad you are here with us.
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
To disengage from the two of them in a gentle way. Go about your business and make them peripheral and you focus on your health and on healthy and constructive people and activities and things.
I don't think you need to move out, to do this. I think it is a question of boundaries. *Have you read the article on detachment on this website? If you look at the forum page you will find it. I think you can keep your interactions cordial and superficial, and spend more and more time in constructive activities away from them.

One thing I do is I take online courses, mostly through community colleges in my State. I'm already making plans for what I'll take next semester. (Another Drawing, 2D design and more Landscape Design.) I am also involved in two spiritual groups all online. Even if we have limitations in mobility, we can involve ourselves in the world. And I am patting my own back here--I am back to Pilates and walking. Is there some sort of therapeutic recreational program you can involve yourself in, that would help you feel better? Like at the YMCA? If you are interested, can you ask your doctor what you could do safely? Maybe your insurance would cover the cost. Sometimes these programs are very low cost or free. By the way. Lots of people have to use incontinence underwear. I have. My Mom did.

Now. I think that being with people is the best thing, but having a focus and goal, keeping busy, are important, too. If you have activities that you need to get to, that structure your time, this could give you a way to disengage from your sister and daughter, prioritizing your needs and obligations. For example, you would have a pretext to change your meal times, if you're eating together, for example, and eat alone. (I prefer this, actually.) With little things like this, you take charge of your time, your life and your interests. You are in the power position now. Not over them. But for yourself. By this kind of thing, and deciding to get involved in a group of some sort, whether 12 step or spiritual or volunteering, we make a life.

I am in a similar situation to you. We can encourage each other.
 
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Cjc

New Member
You do! And we will be right here with you, every step of the way. Pain and suffering are part of life as is joy. They are two sides of the same coin. Because we feel pain this minute, does not mean we will feel it the next. We can learn equanimity. To find that place in us that is strong, above the fray. I think that is one way that this site helps us, those that are already stronger show us that it's possible to find another way, that we deserve it. That it is our right to be content, satisfied, even happy. We don't have to hang out in those psychic pits, where we often are, when we arrive here. I am glad you are here with us.
Thank you for the encouragement, as well as welcoming me. I’m grateful to have found this group.
 

Cjc

New Member
You arent a psychiatrist. Even they, I am convinced, sometimes analyze people wrong. Dont worry about why. It is one thing to hear about someone else's life but another to truly understand it. Since you have shared your hardships with her, and she has not been moved, there is nothing you can do about it. I have found that most of the children who bring us here have little to no concern about us, our feelings, or our well being. It isnt normal, but our children seem to be different and not in good ways.

Do move on. It did us no good to try to think of ways to make our daughter act loving toward us. It took us forever to give up too. But we have. I feel guilty about it, but we have really done all we can. I am sure you have too. There comes a time to give it to God. If you believe, then ask God to take care of both of you. in my opinion if God is in your life, He can do what we are not always strong enough to do.

Even though your daughter doesnt see it yet, I read your story and think you are very brave and very strong. A disability cant remove those character traits. You still have good personal resources inside of you. You can do this.
I have taken your words of advice. I don’t live near any facilities that offer recreational activities for someone my age but I have a cousin who is very passionate about researching our family history. He has been researching from age 12. He’s 36 now. Matter of fact we met through ancestry.com. He has offered to pick me up and we both visit the National Archives Center. I think I would enjoy tackling this task with him. I’m also in the beginning stages of writing a memoir. This will get me out and about amongst others when I’m interviewing persons.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Welcome to the forum! I have to say that when I read your post, my first thought was "Wow, someone who writes as much as I do!" This is a wonderful resource when you have a difficult child. I have been here over a decade. This site was more help than most of the doctors/therapists/whatever-apists we took my son to. It not only helped me cope, it gave me ideas and avenues to explore to find effective help for my son when he was a minor. I hope this site provides the comfort, friendship and wisdom for you that I found here.

Your daughter reminds me of my cousin B. B was another brother to me for many years. He was at our house as much as he was at his. Our moms are best friends and did a lot together when they lived close to each other. Aunt M worked herself to the bone to provide a good life for him. B's dad often didn't pay child support, and did many awful things (like tearing up the school picture that B sent and sending the torn bits back to him in an Easter card!). Aunt M worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to provide for B. She NEVER said a bad word about B's dad where B could possibly hear it. B was often either with us or Aunt M's parents while Aunt M was working. B resented that his mother was always working and never there for this or that event that he wanted her to attend. He spent many years being angry and ungrateful. B got better Christmas and birthday presents than my brother and I did. His mother bought them because she wanted him to have nice things. As a teen, he even had his own mobile home right next to hers on some property his grandparents owned. He always had the latest electronic gadget or stereo, etc.... He resented her anyway. Nothing made a dent in his anger and resentment, not even family counseling.

Then he and his wife had a baby. That changed a LOT. He had to walk a few miles in his mother's shoes to provide for his baby. He often had to work 2 jobs and juggle that around his wife's schedule. He saw how hard it was financially and emotionally to raise children. He also spent some time with his father. His father said awful things about his mother. The idiot father also bragged about how much money he saved by not paying child support for months on end. All of this (and some cold hard truths from my mother), helped him stop being so angry with his mother. He saw that his mother provided the most stable childhood she could, that he never missed a meal, never had to go without lunch at school, always had what he needed clothing wise, even if some of it came from thrift stores and yard sales. He realized his mom was gone so much because she got paid so little and HAD to work 2-3 jobs to keep B in clothing, pay various medical bills (B was an accident-prone adrenaline junky!), and provide everything he needed and a whole lot of his wants. It made a big difference.

Your daughter may wake up and realize that you did the best you could with what you knew. Working on detachment and setting good boundaries will help you cope with her. She won't like it if you set boundaries, but if you stick with it she will adjust. The book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is wonderful! It really explains boundaries and how/why to set and enforce them.

Welcome to the community!
 

Cjc

New Member
Welcome to the forum! I have to say that when I read your post, my first thought was "Wow, someone who writes as much as I do!" This is a wonderful resource when you have a difficult child. I have been here over a decade. This site was more help than most of the doctors/therapists/whatever-apists we took my son to. It not only helped me cope, it gave me ideas and avenues to explore to find effective help for my son when he was a minor. I hope this site provides the comfort, friendship and wisdom for you that I found here.

Your daughter reminds me of my cousin B. B was another brother to me for many years. He was at our house as much as he was at his. Our moms are best friends and did a lot together when they lived close to each other. Aunt M worked herself to the bone to provide a good life for him. B's dad often didn't pay child support, and did many awful things (like tearing up the school picture that B sent and sending the torn bits back to him in an Easter card!). Aunt M worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to provide for B. She NEVER said a bad word about B's dad where B could possibly hear it. B was often either with us or Aunt M's parents while Aunt M was working. B resented that his mother was always working and never there for this or that event that he wanted her to attend. He spent many years being angry and ungrateful. B got better Christmas and birthday presents than my brother and I did. His mother bought them because she wanted him to have nice things. As a teen, he even had his own mobile home right next to hers on some property his grandparents owned. He always had the latest electronic gadget or stereo, etc.... He resented her anyway. Nothing made a dent in his anger and resentment, not even family counseling.

Then he and his wife had a baby. That changed a LOT. He had to walk a few miles in his mother's shoes to provide for his baby. He often had to work 2 jobs and juggle that around his wife's schedule. He saw how hard it was financially and emotionally to raise children. He also spent some time with his father. His father said awful things about his mother. The idiot father also bragged about how much money he saved by not paying child support for months on end. All of this (and some cold hard truths from my mother), helped him stop being so angry with his mother. He saw that his mother provided the most stable childhood she could, that he never missed a meal, never had to go without lunch at school, always had what he needed clothing wise, even if some of it came from thrift stores and yard sales. He realized his mom was gone so much because she got paid so little and HAD to work 2-3 jobs to keep B in clothing, pay various medical bills (B was an accident-prone adrenaline junky!), and provide everything he needed and a whole lot of his wants. It made a big difference.

Your daughter may wake up and realize that you did the best you could with what you knew. Working on detachment and setting good boundaries will help you cope with her. She won't like it if you set boundaries, but if you stick with it she will adjust. The book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is wonderful! It really explains boundaries and how/why to set and enforce them.

Welcome to the community!
Wow! It amazes me at the number of kids that can’t or won’t accept the idea of parents or guardians that have stepped up to the plate to provide and protect them at any cost. I enjoyed reading your post. It gives me hope and gives me the reassurance that I am not alone. Thank you for your encouragement.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
I’m so sorry.
Is it possible your 22 year old is developmentally like a 16 year old?
So, the mom is always wrong and at fault?
Lots of difficult years may have taken some toll on her too. So, maybe she is very immature for her age.
Can your sister speak with her favorably? Will she?
As best as you can, don’t focus on your disability. Focus on any and all positives.
Maybe do research on places you would like to travel to.
Or take the bus to a museum and explore. Try to make your thoughts and actions upbeat.
In time, your daughter will likely recall your sacrifices on her behalf.
 

Cjc

New Member
I’m so sorry.
Is it possible your 22 year old is developmentally like a 16 year old?
So, the mom is always wrong and at fault?
Lots of difficult years may have taken some toll on her too. So, maybe she is very immature for her age.
Can your sister speak with her favorably? Will she?
As best as you can, don’t focus on your disability. Focus on any and all positives.
Maybe do research on places you would like to travel to.
Or take the bus to a museum and explore. Try to make your thoughts and actions upbeat.
In time, your daughter will likely recall your sacrifices on her behalf.
Hello Nomad, thanks for responding to my post. Over the years my sister has spoiled my daughter. Whatever I didn’t buy, she bought. Yes, I feel my daughter is developmentally immature. A few years ago when I took her for counseling, the counselor told me my daughter uses what the medical world calls, adult meltdowns. Of course it’s different from kiddie meltdowns but it’s the same concept. She throws words at you that are hurtful when she can’t have her way. Or she’ll make you feel guilty for not honoring her request. I did my best to give a good life. I don’t feel she was deprived at all. I’ve started focusing on journaling and I’m trying to research my family tree which will require me to take several trips to the archives department.
 
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