We are estranged from my 16 year old stepson. Stepson initiated the estrangement. Lots of possible reasons why, but all of it speculation. He avoids distressing/challenging situations. If he is confronted, he becomes violent. This led to him being hospitalized in an intensive outpatient program last spring. Prior to this he strangled his mother (my wife) and also went after his father (wife's ex) physically. He has a younger brother, my 14 year old stepson, whom he has terrorized physically in the past as well. After his discharge from the program he stopped speaking to my wife and everyone connected to her, including his grandparents (only living grandparents) who absolutely dote on him and are heartbroken by his behavior. He refuses to come to the phone. He lives with his father who is a doormat and has no rules or expectations for either boy. Stepsons do what they want, when they want. We are already seeing a years long pattern of school failure repeat with the 16 year old. Anyway, our only information about 16 y/o stepson comes from me spying on his online activities. I figured out his user name on a website he frequents and watch his account for anything that his mother might need to know about, take action on, etc. I have mixed feelings about this "spying" but also want my wife to be informed if he does anything truly dangerous or illegal. She is still his mother. Up to this point there has been nothing to report, but just last week he stated on this website that he was "casually" smoking marijuana and had been doing so since the age of 13. The online conversation was about the price of a gram of pot. We don't think his father knows, but it's unlikely his father would take any action anyway. We never suspected him of using drugs despite his horrid behavior. I did tell my wife. She is still considering what, if anything, she will do with this information. He is not behaving any differently now than before he started smoking marijuana and if anything, marijuana should make him calmer, not angrier. He suffers from anxiety but won't go to therapy or take prescribed medications for his condition. I am guessing it's self medication. His father has a pretty sordid family history of addiction as well. I guess I want to know whether you think I am overstepping my bounds by spying on my stepson and whether or not a 16 year old smoking pot "casually" is a big enough deal to call out the cavalry. If my wife decides to tell her ex-husband, he will likely tell stepson how the information came about. He will then change his username on this website and we will not have any way to "track" his activities. This is the only avenue we have to monitor him. In any case, this is now my wife's decision, I told her what I learned, she is his mother and it's her decision to make. In my heart I think I am overstepping my bounds and that I need to go to Al-Anon and detach from this situation. I am still not recovered from watching him wrap his meaty hands around my wife's throat. I need to deal with that I guess. Thanks for listening.