Ah, the end of the term...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Aug 22, 2010.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Summer term is gone, FWIW. M's sublease is up and he has no real plans to be elsewhere. There are some friends thinking about renting a place together, but we know how well that went last time. They fought about the largest room the day they moved in and the roommate ran off the same day.

    We had talked to L's dad, who is an attorney, and made arrangements for M to do some work delivering summons' for him while M was able to use the people he was subletting from's car this summer. It's about $60 per summons. M never did, and the car goes away with the apartment. So, no extra money. No job experience.

    I've been hounding husband to call him and check in, as we had agreed to pay for M's exam by a psychiatrist so he could stay on medications. He's been off the medications since he ran out of the RX he got when was released from the mental hospital 4th of July weekend. My conversation with M last week came with the same stories we got from him when he was a kid. "I'm behind with my homework, but it doesn't matter because I'm good in the subject and I can make the grade in the test." Yes. Except for that part when something goes astray and all the Prof. knows about you is that you are one that never turns in homework and doesn't seem to care about his class. M is on financial aid, and has already failed two classes. That means when he fails the next one, there will be no more financial aid. He says he knows that he has to get a degree and get a real job. Apparently he doesn't.

    So, last week, husband got the names of doctors., but no releases and no appointment. times so didn't call anyone. Today at my urging, husband talked to M, and got the story about the apartment. Then later when we were out with friends for dinner, M calls husband and they talked for about 10 minutes. When we got home I asked what it was about. Wait for it...

    M wants to start a role playing fantasy group. husband says that he figured that since he would fail at gathering people together, he saw no reason to not encourage him, as it would give him practical experience in failure that could guide him in the future to make better decisions. :mad:

    This is the young man who in 2nd grade was so obsessed with Zelda that I had to limit his time to 1 hour a day and in turn spent the other 17 waking hours miserably obsessing over how to make the most of his one hour. Who in 4th grade had to have Pokeman cards and sorted and stacked and obsessed because he couldn't figure out why this didn't make him friends even though Pokeman was popular. Who in 7th grade had to have Magic cards with the same result, and in 10th grade had to have Grand Theft Auto and kept my butcher knife hidden with him so he could slash my throat if I told him to do schoolwork or get some sleep.

    But mostly, this is the man who tried to hang himself 5 weeks ago because his relationships with people never go anywhere and hasn't kept up with his medication or therapy since his release from the 72 hour hold. Why would you set him up to fail? Why would you encourage a fantasy world? Why would you not suggest that as he is interested in singing that he join the choir at school? Or that as he is interested in electronics that he volunteer at the (nationally recognized) school radio station? Or that since he is interested in theater that he audition for one of the plays? Any of these things require a minimum grade point average and don't depend upon his ability to lead. Why lead him along the path that 'since the world doesn't see things his way that he should try to lead the world' knowing that it will fail and that in two more months he'll still have no friends and will have lost his grant money because he'll be failing classes because he was "really trying to make this thing work..."

    And how hard is it to remember that we agreed that if M came up with any grand schemes the appropriate response was "I'm not sure what I think. I'll have to think about that and get back to you." husband does not remember ever having that conversation.

    I can't even tell you how hopeless I feel about it. I can't even get up the energy to have a good yell at husband because this is just so flipping retarded I can't even believe it. The yelling will come. Even though it won't do any good, it will come.
  2. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Your husband sounds a lot my DEX. I know what it's like when then "forget" agreed responses and then simply take the path of least resistance. Very frustrating and, in this case, downright hearbreaking. All you can do is maintain your own stance.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry :( Your initial "planned" response is best, I think, when it comes to the RPG. I would neither encourage or discourage. I wouldn't even use the "I'll have to think about that" response, I prefer the "you do what you think is best" approach ;-)

    I'm sorry his choices (or lack thereof) continue to cause you such stress. It's incredibly frustrating, I know.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, if he is determined to do it, perhaps husband should then HELP him succeed in that venture. Teach him. Don't encourage and then walk away.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys. After I wrote this last night I realized that M was probably asking husband to help him do it. That's an even worse idea. Not sure how much you guys know about role playing games. Once you have the group together, it entails meeting for hours on end to decide things like "What's your name?" Roll the dice, look at the map, compare notes, debate and remember why some obscure thing from your mother's church group prevents you from using that name, get everyone's opinion on the name and how it works with their name. Multiply that by the number of people in the game. Then roll the dice and decide what color your hair is.

    Literally, this can go on for hours and they never get around to playing. Then, while your friends are gone, you can read books and paint game pieces and go on practice runs with your characters and see what will happen if you roll a 9 instead of a 12, or a 6 instead of a 3. In play each roll of the dice requires a specific story that everyone must agree upon fits in with things that you don't know about them or their characters, and a great deal of trust that the people you are playing with are telling the truth about what they themselves have worked out at home which may prevent you from doing what it is that you worked out at home - not something M's capable of.