Ahhhh, my sweet pea has gone &

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Jan 31, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    begun her own little Boston Tea Party.

    kt came home from school with a plan; the minute she walked in the door she was ready to walk right back out & head down to the little neighborhood corner pet store. (Sometimes the owner lets her clean out cages & such.)

    However, the PCA & I could tell there was a lot more to this; there was deception. kt turned around & left the house.

    PCA & I went into crisis mode (I'm really good at that). PCA grabbed her cell phone, hat & mittens & followed young ms. kt.

    kt was meeting a boy down at the store & when she saw PCA, the she & the boy took off running. Of course, I had to call mental health case manager - who in turn, called crisis team, who in turn called 911, because with the weather (10 below zero & a mentally ill child) there was a need for police intervention.

    kt has been growing in leaps & bounds in positive areas. However, she's becoming very sexualized once again; willing to put her life on the line to have a boyfriend.

    When she was hauled home, kt, of course, threatened suicide. By that time mental health CM was here, as was the crisis team. I told kt that I couldn't stop her from hurting herself - that was her choice. However, I'd be really angry if she choose that selfish path again. That I was extremely tired of all this nonsense.

    If she didn't believe we loved her, I don't think she'd ever believe in our love for her. AND that strange boys that are willing to break the law over her aren't the answer either.

    kt's only answer was that I was trying to control her life - "no, young lady, I'm trying to be your parent. This is what parents do. If a child isn't making good or safe choices a parent steps in & does it for the child - period."

    The police officer applauded. Not the best move on his part as kt blew up again.

    However, I yelled & told her to knock it off - this wasn't going to be tolerated here.

    kt, at that point, turned to mental health CM & accused me of abusing her. PCA started laughing as did CM. CM explained to the police that I'm a good & patient parent & this is nonsense. There has never ever been any evidence of abuse in this household.

    kt had to give it the old college try.

    We have a quarterly staffing for kt next week. I expect at this point the recommendation will be for out of home placement. And while kt was demanding that yesterday - if it comes to fruition she will be sorely disappointed. She wants to live in the same kind of group home wm is in - those are few & far between.

    Thanks for listening. I'm in the process of getting ready for a staffing for wm this morning. I believe I'll just sit, listen & sip coffee. I'm out of ideas for these 2.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Linda,
    How frustrating! She is making so much progress in some areas and now this. I'm glad everyone involved was supportive. Your responses to her were handled beautifully. Sending supportive hugs and prayers your way.:angel2:
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Sorry this happened yesterday. I think it was just yesterday morning that you were posting positive progress news on kt.

    You know, I'm kinda confused. I thought that kt was doing ok and making some progress. Since I'm not experienced in parenting a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)+ child, I don't understand how this one incident would necessitate out of home placement?

    It is very sad that you are once again facing a home without your child. It is very sad that kt is facing home without her parents. I know you and husband do everything you possibly can to support her mental health and growth. Sad and frustrating. Many hugs.

  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sharon, you cannot trust the "changes" in a attachment disordered child. They are almost always in survival mode. So while I can be proud of good choices made - I cannot count on them to be internal.

    It's truly a roller coaster ride. The fact is, out of home placement has been discussed since the last quarterly staffing. I'd been holding off since I'd like to use it during my trip to Mayo Clinic if at all possible.

    Hope this helps to explain. Attachment disorder is so very complex - trauma in a child just makes matters worse.
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Thanks for explaining it. I still am a little confused but it seems that "nothing is how is appears" would be a good starting point.

    As a mother, I can't imagine the idea of my daughter walking out of the house, meeting a boy, and then running. Helplessness comes to mind. I hope you and the team come up with the right alternative. Is it manipulation that kt wants a group home setting to hurt you? Or do you think that she actually is feeling internal pain and confusion and an enviornment without love presents no obstacles?

  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    If you don't love, you cannot be hurt. A child in foster care with multiple moves will intentionally mess up so he/she doesn't become attached - won't be hurt again.

    The tweedles have "pulled" numerous antics to be moved; husband & I never had them pulled out of the home until it become an issue of safety. That is self harming or harming others. That is our line in the sand. If kt or wm stepped over that & we could no longer parent our child safely we asked for help.

    I'd agree with you - it never is as it seems & it never makes sense to someone who's been brought into life with a secure & safe environment.
  7. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    It must be something in the air - I had to pick up my difficult child from police last night at 2am because difficult child also devided to meet a boy - what the hell are they thinking? OK that was a rhetorical question! So sorry for your woes - but I think what you said to kt was great and to the point - I'm keeping it in my mental archives so I can pull it out next time I need it - thanks!!! and ((hugs))
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry it's kicked up a notch. Won't she become more determined now that her plan was thwarted?? In other words....do you have to by hyper vigiland now on a daily basis? DDD
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i'm so sorry you had a rough time of it with her and that did happen yesterday. but yes your responses to her were so on target with love and boundaries at the same time.

    in a sense it reminded me of my almost 15 year old that when she tries to lie cheat and steal to get what she wants she too threatens stuff, she's run etc.

    it's soo not easy. good luck and sending you hugs for your rough day.

  10. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Does she have any friends at all Linda? I remember my eldest who was pretty sheltered absolutely loosing all common sense at 14 and was on a mission to get attention from the opposite sex and she didn't much care who. :( I think my only saving grace was she was so bad at lying.

    Don't you just wanna go flatten bio mom for all of the stuff she did to the tweedles.

    Poor you and poor KT as well.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    That statement you made "No I'm being your parent."


    You get A+ for that one - and on such shaky ground? Extra points Mom.

    (clapping - good eyes, good eyes on the game)

  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    We've used a similar line with difficult child before. Too bad it doesn't get through! But good for you in remembering that one when I know you had to have been all sorts of upset and angry. I always thing of good things to say afterwards.

    As for kt wanting to live in a group home....my first thought was that if I wasn't aware of the history on kt, I would think that she wanted that in the hope/thought that she would be out from under your horribly unfair thumb and be better able to do what she wanted. I realize that kt is one complex kiddo but any chance there is some
    typical teen thinking in there?
  13. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I am most impressed that you saw her plan...I'm such a fool, doubt I would have caught it.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Good job catching on to her plans and thwarting them.

    A+ for being an awesome parent and handling this super-well.


  15. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Hugs for you during this ongoing roller coaster ride. I hope that one day things can calm down.

  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I truly appreciate all the votes of confidence. I feel as though I'm flying by the seat of my pants though - I'm sure I'm in esteemed company. :irock::bigsmile:

    kt accepted her grounding yesterday afternoon ; in fact, came home & stated "I'm having an emotional breakdown, mom. I'm anxious & my legs are too wobbly to walk". She took her afternoon medications, asked for & rec'd a PRN & headed off to her room. Spent the afternoon & evening (except for dinner) in her room. By bedtime she was talking again & less anxious.

    kt & this young man admitted to head therapist at day treatment that they had set up this little "meeting". They really had no idea what was going to happen or where they were going to go - it was just to run.


    Again, I appreciate the vote of confidence. More than that I appreciate the support you've given me - the hand holding & shoulder to lean on. :flowers::beautifulthing:
  17. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Until I came to this bb, I had absolutely no idea what Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to parent children with this disorder. All I know is that you handle everything life throws at you with amazing strength, wisdom and humor.

    I hope today is a better day for kt and you...WFEN