All I can do is shake my head

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mstang67chic, Apr 27, 2012.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    difficult child has has his apartment for almost 4 weeks now. In that time he's reconnected with bio mom, his brother and one of his sisters. He has also treated husband and I progressively worse, accused us of lying about his birth family, blamed us for all he could, disrespected us and his mental status has gone way downhill (he quit taking his medications over a year ago). Today.....he is moving two hours away to live with bio mom. There was a lot of back and forth during the last week that I won't even bother getting into but he's moving and that's his final decision. He was going to take everything but his furniture and husband told him we would store it here. Now he's decided that he doesn't want us to have it so he is going to leave it for the next tennents and I quote, "God will give him furniture when he needs it". Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to bash religion, this is just how his mental state is manifesting itself. husband took him to lunch today to spend time with him before the move. He dropped to his knees in the middle of the restaurant to pray. Loudly.

    We drove by his apartment earlier and all of the lights are off so I'm assuming he's gone. The landlord is going to give us some time to see what's going to happen and get the furniture out if need be.
  2. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Oh, boy, is he confused! I'm sorry for his rejection of all your hopes for him. I have come to believe that adopted kids have a huge hole in their soul. Our daughter is being totally destructive toward our created family. It's as if she has burned down our home. I am praying that he will eventually realize that you and his dad are his real family and he will turn his life around. He has so many people pulling at his heart. Poor kid, poor you. Many hugs!
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. This must hurt badly. Many people that I know who are bipolar seem to be drawn to very dramatic forms of religion when they are off their medications. I hope that at some point he realizes how much the medications help and will be able and willing to take them. (((((hugs)))))
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I know this hurts. But I also know it means you'll be spared some of the drama at least. I know you'll worry whether he's there with you or with biomom.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs. Well maybe this is for the best at this time for you. At this point he is an adult and if he screws up, it will be on them and he cant blame you at this time. He can see that the grass isnt always greener.
  6. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Hugs to you.
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Many hugs. I can only imagine how much this must hurt. I agree with three shadows about adopted kids. There are some rare cases where the kids are accepting and live their lives with the families who raised them with only the typical bumps along the way. But I do think that's rare. My daughter has used that exact expression "a hole in my heart". It hurts me to hear that, but I've come to accept that all of my parenting - with all of its good intentions - simply cannot fill a "hole" that was created in the mind of my daughter.

    Your son will soon see that his bio family is not the family of his fantasies. Most likely they are more Dickensian than Disney, and time will reveal that. In the meantime, hang in there.

  8. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I'm sorry that this is happening the way it is. I wish there was better closure for you. Perhaps sometime in the future there may be but right now it is what it is. It's sad that he does not see what is before his own eyes but his mind is not well and due to that nothing will be right. "hugs"
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Stang... Just :hugs:...
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    More hugs ....
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My heart is invested in your post, Stang. There are similarities in our family and the pain is palpable. I have been able to detach alot and therefore my anquish is not as deep as it would be if still connected but...believe me, my heart goes out to you. Loyal hugs, as always. DDD
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have adopted a few kids in my day and am very very close to three of them. Adoption has affected them, but those three are doing well...two of them we don't see anyone, but they were older adoptees, six and eleven. The eleven year old was plain old dangerous and did not want or really understand adoption or family or even decent behavior. He had to leave. I am of the opinion that there is almost no way a child that age can integrate into a family as if the family is really his/her own. There are too many memories and too many traumas...and by then they don't trust anybody at all.

    I do think that infant adoption can work nicely and know a lot of people who have had children adopted from birth who are doing quite well, including Sonic and Jumper. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean they never thought about adoption. They just dealt with it realistically. But...when people ask me about adoption now, I tell them to adopt as young a child as possible and to expect them to search one day.

    A lot of adopted children have two unstable birthparents and DNA is very powerful.

    I am very, very, very sorry you are going through this, but I am not surprised. The child we adopted at six doesn't even acknowledge us anymore. I think it's just too old to expect the attachment we get from our other kids. That doesn't stop the pain, and I have felt it so you have my deepest empathy. The eleven year old is a registered sexual predator (the child we adopted at 11).
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I would brace and plan for what YOU and UNKLEY will do when he returns because .......he will and he'll be worse mentally and more confused. He'll need you more then, than he ever has. Like Dash said - He's going to find out it's not the Disney he's expecting it to be. Dude found out Daddy Disney - WASN'T.

    Just huge hugs......:sorrysmiley:
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

  16. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    He called today and just happened to catch husband in the house when we were stopping by to let the dogs out in between coming from a birthday party and going to a friend's house. He got there ok and is doing fine. Of course husband had to tell him that his SSI check may be a little late (lovely little issue that I"m dealing with) so I'm sure it will somehow be our fault. (Will post on the WC)