Am I doing the right thing?

[Tanya M]

First, I'm sending you a big ((HUG))

Everything you are feeling is normal. I would be worried if you didn't. I am proud of you for sticking to the rules and boundaries you set. Your son needs to learn that you and your husband will not be manipulated by him.

I can't stop crying. This is horrible. We took him a blanket at the park last night. I can't stop picturing him trying to sleep in a park. He called this morning begging to come home. I had to stick to my guns and tell him he had to be clean before he can come home.

Give him a list of shelters and places he can get a meal. It's perfectly fine to give him a blanket and even some power bars but what ever you do, please don't give him money. More times than not, when we give our difficult adult kids money they will use it for drugs or alcohol.

I dread his phone calls because they make me feel like crap, but I love his phone calls because I know he is still alive.

Yes, it's a double edge sword that cuts us to our core. You might want to consider just texting him. I have found with my son, it's much easier to communicate via a written word than actually speaking and hearing the desperation in their voice.

Bottom line, your son has some serious choices to make but the choices are his alone. The best thing you can do for him is to not enable him. At some point he needs to learn how to deal with life on his own. I've said it many times here, you don't want to wake up one day and realize you are an 80 year old woman who still takes care of a 60 year old difficult child. All of us parents here will not be around forever and it's much better for our adult kids to learn how deal with life now, rather than when we are gone.

 

[Jay80]

Is the biological father in the picture? Can he stay with him till he resolves his own issues?

 

[Triedntrue]

You sound like me 15 years ago. Prayers are with you.

 

[JustWantPeace]

Is the biological father in the picture? Can he stay with him till he resolves his own issues?

Biodad lives in another state is exacly the same. Won't hold down a job, never has. Smokes pot all the time. Son says he doesn't want to turn out like his dad, but he is already there. I need to get him to focus on not continuing down this same path. He can still turn it around.

 

[Wish]

How's it going so far JWP? Update?

 

[JustWantPeace]

How's it going so far JWP? Update?

The weekend was better than Thursday night/Friday. He had a place to stay. He called all excited thinking he wants to join the Navy now. Unfortunately, he has been told by previous recruiters that with his mental health diagnosis and the fact that he refuses to take medications right now, he is ineligible. He is rather manic right now and I hate to crush his dreams, but he needs to be in reality and realize that there is a good chance he won't get in. He may be thinking he can lie on his application and get in, but they will find out and he will then be dishonourably discharged. We are supposed to have a family therapy session today, if we can get ahold of him. We will surprise drug test him and if he pops clean, he can come home, but we have a long list of rules he must follow, including taking his medications and he must submit to blood tests to prove he is on his medications.

 

[Snow White]

Oh my, JustWantPeace. What a rough few days. I am really feeling for you. The first time you have to remove your child from the house is the hardest and I don't think it really gets easy.

Yes you are doing the right thing. I have a extensive history of Bipolar disorder and PTSD. My parents did not care about any of it. They tolerated nothing from me.......

Your son doesn't seem to be as bad off as some of the difficult children here so this is the time to save him. So nipping it in the bud now before it gets worse is the absolute right thing to do.

Remember, this is going to be the hardest thing you ever done. You have to stay strong. Any help that you give him out there right now, besides contact numbers to shelters and food banks, might actually hurt him instead of help him and prolong the experinece/lesson even longer. Be wary of sending mixed messages to him. They are disastrous for difficult children.

Also, if he has a pot addiction, that's probably never going to change. He is a grown man now. There is no room for adult children to live in the home regardless of mental illness or not, especially if there are younger children in the home. He needs to be in his own place. It will just not work at your home with him living there.

The posts by Wish have resonated with me, as it makes me go back in time to when we were dealing with our daughter. She was around the same age as your son. She had spent most of her life running away from home but then at around 19 decided that lazing around the house drinking/doing drugs and stay up all night/sleep all day was the way to go. Later on she begged to come back but refused to agree to contract terms and we held our ground. She never did come back to live. She also tried to enter the military and when that failed, worked the carnival circuit for a couple of months until she got fired. They have to figure these things out for themselves - mine hasn't yet. I believe that if we had allowed her back, she would still be with us. Funny, she is now wanting to come back and we are struggling to say no.

Hugs to you and your family. Take time to heal yourselves.

 

[JustWantPeace]

Oh my, JustWantPeace. What a rough few days. I am really feeling for you. The first time you have to remove your child from the house is the hardest and I don't think it really gets easy.





The posts by Wish have resonated with me, as it makes me go back in time to when we were dealing with our daughter. She was around the same age as your son. She had spent most of her life running away from home but then at around 19 decided that lazing around the house drinking/doing drugs and stay up all night/sleep all day was the way to go. Later on she begged to come back but refused to agree to contract terms and we held our ground. She never did come back to live. She also tried to enter the military and when that failed, worked the carnival circuit for a couple of months until she got fired. They have to figure these things out for themselves - mine hasn't yet. I believe that if we had allowed her back, she would still be with us. Funny, she is now wanting to come back and we are struggling to say no.

Hugs to you and your family. Take time to heal yourselves.

This week has been a lot easier. We (hubs, son, and I) all went to a therapy session. His therapist totally supports what we are doing and told us to stay strong and keep it up. We made it clear he has to be clean to come home and then when he does come home, if he does, he will have 4 major rules that must be followed to stay in the house. 1. Be on his medications 2. Do something during the day, Work, Volunteer, Go to school, Seach for a job, 3. No drugs on our property at all 4. He will have a curfew.

He doesn't like those rules and doesn't want to follow them. So we told him then he doesn't have to live with us.

He has actually been working on the application for Job Corps. We went and did a tour. He doesn't like their rules either, but he knows it would be good for him and he won't be following "mom and dad's rules". I really hope he goes to Job Corps!!!!