Am I enabling by feeding my son?

[Woriedmom]

I need to keep telling myself regarding my sons substance abuse that it is HIM who is choosing this negative behavior. The minute I start thinking it was his past then I feel guilt...the kind that hurts like hell.
....................... and this is kind of thinking that leads me to what I'm trying my best to get away from ...and that is being co-dependent.
I no longer allow my son to nap here, I want him to be allowed to shower here every now and then. He's not a threat as to stealing from us ...YET ...and before it gets to that I will keep my eye on this.
I will just tell my husband ...I'll let you know how it goes...wish me luck.

I will read that book co-dependent, thanks.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...-by-feeding-my-son.58096/page-2#ixzz34uOnYnY4

 

[SuZir]

You have had a tough life and I'm sorry about that. It may not have prepared you to take care of yourself the best possible way, but that comes to choices too. You can choose to make a commitment to learn.

Totally aside of your situation with your son, your relationship with your husband sounds troubled. He sounds very controlling and it sounds like you have been internalising some of that. For example the dolls. Many adults collect all kinds of things. Toys in fact are very popular collectable. Dolls or miniature planes or cars and so on. It is not nutty. You share a home, it is reasonable there is space for both of your interests and stuff. Dolls may collect some dust, but other than that, there is absolutely no reason why they couldn't be displayed in your house and why your husband should oppose it. That is of course a small thing, but everything you write gives a impression, that your husband feels he has a right to make all the decisions in your household. That is not okay.

I agree with Pasajes that you could really benefit from marriage counselling.

I'm married to dominating man and early in our marriage I did something that put me in the very bad position when it comes to power dynamics of marriage. However I also quickly understood that however deserved my husbands resentments were or how much I may have been a bad guy in there, it didn't make it okay to end up into the unbalanced power dynamics. How much fairer it would had been for me to make up this or that, marriage doesn't work that way. If I would had allowed that shift in power dynamics to happen and started to make up my mistakes, it would had ruined our marriage permanently. In fact, despite doing something really dirty to him, I had to instead of making that up be harder in keeping my boundaries and making it sure, I was not ending up dominated by him. Not only for him, but for my kids. They didn't deserve to grow up in family, that has dysfunctional power balance and be modelled a behavioural model, where other spouse is controlling and other one is submitting.

Your son being out from your house will not end or correct this issue. While likely a good decision, it in fact reinforces the unhealthy model, where your husband makes the decisions disregarding your wants and needs and you are left to rationalize it. That is very unhealthy situation for your young daughter to grow up in. She is still young, so you have time to change things, before she starts to really understand what is going on. But to do so, both you and your husband have to be willing to do the work. And he has to own up his part of the issues.

 

[Woriedmom]

Suz, I totally agree and that is why I'm going to stand my ground when it comes to my son in desperate need of a shower... if it comes to that. For all I know he's found a place by now, either that or he's using faucets in public bathrooms. yicks! hope not. I will keep you posted.

Oh and I did suggest to my husband going to family counseling, didn't go for it. we did have some marriage counseling with our church which did him good at first then didn't take long before going back into his dominating self. I've told him he's mean , unreasonable, controlling , etc.etc. even that he is acting out on his childhood. Does no good.I think I'll do a copy paste in an entirely different forum since this is a new kind of "conduct disorder" but for now I need to focus on one issue at a time.My son for now.
Otherwise...trust me when I say it would be too much to take on at the moment.

Let me add that although we all received the professional counseling, therapy etc.( the kids and I ) regarding my what my x did, much of my healing with all I've been through came from our church, well..I should say Jesus. He is the healer of healers, Bible says he's a comforter. I love the phrase that Childofmine refers to and has much meaning...and that is the serenity prayer.

PS... I believe this is a website for dealing with our children...what if your married to one?

 

[Stress Bunny]

It sounds like guilt is a big factor in what is driving your enabling behavior. Regardless of what happened in your son's life, he is an adult now and responsible for his decisions. Many people suffer poor childhoods and go on to overcome that in their adult lives.

Anyway, your actions are not at all helping your son. They are helping you. By continuing to allow your son to eat and shower and nap at your home, despite the driving factors of substance abuse and illegal behavior and a bad attitude, to boot, you are keeping him in a dependent, irresponsible state. That is not helping him. It is helping you because it makes you feel better to do so. If you love your son, put his needs ahead of your wants. He doesn't need a shower or food or naps. HE needs to take responsibility for HIS own actions that are causing so much trouble in HIS life. The showers, food, and naps are only symptoms of his problems in taking responsibility for his own choices. Providing such things will not solve any of his problems, and in fact, will perpetuate them.

Again, I see codependency issues all over the place here. I have no doubt professional counseling would be extremely helpful. If your spouse won't go, then go alone. Make that a priority. Counselors work with these issues all the time and will be able to help you navigate this difficult time with your son and your husband too.

I am sorry if I sound blunt. I truly empathize with your situation, and I am very sorry that you are going through all of this with your son, especially. But, please, please, open your eyes to what is happening here. You don't want to be in this same situation a decade from now. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[SuZir]

Stress Bunny is right. You seem very guilt ridden, and while I'm all for accepting your feelings, also guilt, guilt often isn't the best emotion to base your actions to.

However I do not agree with SB about you being guilty for your son's situation by 'enabling' him. While letting him take a shower or have a snack may not help him in the long term (or it might, if it helps him to get a job or feel more loved), it isn't hurting him either. You denying those things would likely not give him any push to make things happen to himself. If those kinds of pushes help him, simply being kicked out from home is certainly enough. Denying all help is not needed and will not solve any of his problems.

However these are things you have to make your decisions based on what you feel is appropriate. How much trouble it causes you or rest of the family to let him have a shower. If it is very inconvenient to you, that is a good reason to deny it. But unfortunately you would be fooling yourself if you would deny shower etc. because you would believe that would somehow make him behave in the way you are hoping he would.

 

[Woriedmom]

Suz and StressBunny, I was thinking more on allowing him to shower when he has his job interviews since he said he would be searching for one , or I should say one with full time hours. Currently he has a part time job. In my opinion this would be helping him not enabling him. I haven't heard from him since Sunday but I did text him to let him know he has his updated resume here at the house for whenever he's serious about getting other employment, only time will tell.
I decided not to allow him to nap here but I did not like my husband telling me to tell my son he is not welcome here anymore. My God you would've thought he committed some heinous crime or something. I told my husband I'm not going to disown my son. I already know it's been a jealousy thing from the start. We married in 2009 , my son was 16 at the time. They seemed so close back then ...but apparently my husband was putting on an act.
Ok well, I know my husband has issues, right now I'm focusing on my 20 yr.old knucklehead who is either going to straighten up or find himself in jail.
Trying to stay occupied in other things to keep my mind off my son...and my aching heart.

 

[Stress Bunny]

I don't think you have to disown your son at all. You just don't want to help him continue to harm himself and/or others. This includes you and your husband and young daughter.

You stated that he is using drugs, i.e. pot and probably speed, plus driving under the influence and resisting arrest. Your son has a substance abuse problem. You did not cause it, but nor can you fix it. It is not your responsibility to fix it, and only he can fix it. You can, however, enable him to keep using.

I suspect your son is continuing to work only part-time and using your home to get meals, naps, and showers, because of his substance abuse issues. If he were healthy and free from drugs, he could better function physically, mentally, and emotionally, and focus his time and energy on his short- and long-term goals in life. The more comfortable you make it for him to stay where he is at, the more likely he is to stay where he is at. And I do believe that supporting him with food, shelter, sleeping quarters, and showering facilities is enabling because it allows him to use the money he is not spending on these things for drugs.

As long as your son is abusing substances, he will be affected by them and unable to be his best self. Do not be naive about this. Until he gets successful treatment, a job is not the answer to his problems. Think about your daughter, so young yet, who needs and deserves your protection. Do you trust your son in your home? Might he steal from you to support his drug habit? Might he leave his drugs or dangerous items, such as lighters, laying around somewhere that your daughter could find them and worse, use or take them? Would he ever leave the house, impaired, with your daughter in the car? Might your daughter witness him using and high? What if other addicts he knows stop by the house when you aren't home? What if your son hides or stores his drugs on your property, and then you are found responsible in some way for it? I know your husband has controlling tendencies, but to be honest, I would also not be comfortable with a drug addict in my home for any time or any reason, especially with a younger child in the house. We are in a similar situation, and as a result, difficult child cannot live here any more.

I hope your son can get the treatment he needs. He needs to participate in treatment to get well again.

 

[SuZir]

Woriedmom, for me that sounds like a good plan to support positive development in your son and also a good way to let him know that I out love him and are still in his corner. When asked to leave from home it may be difficult to feel loved and words may not change that. Actions tend to talk much louder.

Don't be too discouraged about your relationship with your son. For many the experience is, that at that age living apart makes feelings fonder between parents and young adult children. They are growing out from their childhood room and cohabiting tends to become difficult and irritating for all. Some distance both physically and emotionally may work wonders. I too have experienced that. My son left home at seventeen in less than favourable circumstances. I did worry if our relationship would ever be okay again. Now it is, in fact better than in over ten years. But the fact stays, even though he is under our roof again just not, but only temporarily and short time, he has absolutely grown out from his bedroom in this house. We can all tolerate each other when he is here, but because we know it is temporary. Simply wouldn't work for long term anymore.

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[Woriedmom]

Stress Bunny, my son has never said anything or done anything to my husband...only a few words in the months past. He loves his little sister but I would in no means and never have trusted him with her. He is too careless as you say ...leaving his lighters in reach , in his room yes ...but still within reach. Neither he or my husband smoke in the house. I will admit I am an enabler in some ways...well, maybe in alot? I am willing to learn , first step was telling my son he can no longer live here. He called me over the weekend after he got off work early wanting to know if he could sleep in the house. It almost killed me to tell him no, he is not allowed at the house. I like what you said about him getting a job is not the answer to his abuse. Do you think the judge would see a steady job as a positive thing or much more beneficial for my son to check himself into a recovery house? I know this is another question altogether...probably should post it in the criminal background check thread but can anyone tell me what the judge will look at? For instance won't it look horrible if my son stands trial homeless? o.m.g!

 

[BusynMember]

Stress bunny, nothing is going to look that good for your son right now other than cleaning up his appearance (yes, it matters), and showing he is willing to join society. That probably means cleaning up and getting a job. My guess however is that he is addicted to something stronger than pot. I could be wrong, but his behaviors seem too reckless to blame pot for them. Right after he was busted for pot...he did it again??

Like you said, leniency was his, but he blew it. He either is taking something he can't stay away from and only got caught for the pot (but there is more) or he is totally irresponsible and is thumbing his nose at the court. That is never a good thing. If he is lucky, he WILL be able to choose drug rehab as an option, BUT if he is not ready to change his life around, he won't. It is impossible to make somebody stop using drugs just by putting them in a rehab.

Our system is tough. Maybe too tough. But it is what it is. I would make sure he has a good haircut (that I'd spring for) and clean clothes. And then you are throwing it all up to the judge who, in this situation, is God Himself. He makes the decision.

None of this had to happen. Your son didn't have to take drugs and drop out of society. He could have followed probably very simple house rules such as keeping his room clean, showering, working, maybe paying a little rent or maybe not, being respectful to the adults in the house and not doing anything illegal. Not hard for most eighteen year olds. Most do this. I have an eighteen year old myself.

If your husband is worried about his little girl, I get him. And if all of you are not on the same page regarding counseling, you can't make him go. I would not break up your daughter's family because of your son. Give yourself time...you can always decide to divorce him. Wait and see if things change for your son. He could get better or even worse and one day you too may not want him around your daughter. At any rate, it's really a pity that he won't go to counseling, but you can't make him go any more than you can make your son clean and sober and eager to obey the law.

Work on yourself, the one person whom you have 100% control over. I highly recommend a few books to read. Since you are a Christian, I really have to recommend "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. You will read, from a Christian perspective, how to treat the others in your life who try to control you, including your spouse and your son and I believe it will really resonate with you. You actually don't have to be a Christian to gain from it's wisdom, but since you are it will probably give you even MORE help. Then I think you ought to read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie (I may have spelled her name wrong). That was the first book I read that actually gave me permission not to take care of the entire world...and made me believe it. Others had told me that, including therapists, but only she put in such a way that I was able to put myself first sometimes and not feel like a selfish b****h

You sound like a wonderful, caring woman who has had many bad cards thrown in your direction. It is time those cards start blowing the other way and you start being as good to yourself as you have tried to be to others. None of the things you look back at and feel guilty about were done maliciously. None of them were done to harm anyone. Your son, in his heart, knows how much you love him and that you did not mean to make the mistakes you made and that all of us make...trust me you are NOT alone.

Because you and your husband share a precious daughter, I hope you two can find a way to come together regarding your son. I can see his point of view and yours. And I remember how my babies used to cry and cover their ears when my daughter was high and angry in the house.

Try to have a serene night. Nothing needs to be solved today, this minute. See how things go. None of us can predict the future. Ultimately, your son's future is in his hands.

Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

 

[Woriedmom]

My 20 yr.old finally text me back last night. He didn't want anything ...at first he just replied with a question mark when I said "I didn't see you". He probably thought I went looking for him at his job. I went on to ask in the text if he had gotten high since Sunday...just to be honest within himself, I knew he'd lie to me ...so I told him only he knows the answer and if he has....then he needs to be honest within himself and realize "I do have a problem". He made a wise crack in the text like friends do with each other all the time. My son is a natural born comedian and makes me laugh all the time but it's always been my mistake to raise him with no boundaries. My husband always says to me "it's my fault he is the way he is". It is true that you can't raise your kids like your friends...or if you do you have to first be their parent. Yes, I cannot help it ...I can't get rid of this guilt I have for enabling him. Now that he is gone I can look back and realize how much damage I did within the last few years. Sure he has to take responsibility for his choosing of doing drugs but I also unknowingly made decisions that lead to enabling his behavior. I am now left not only with a broken heart but a tremendous amount of guilt. Again, only now that he is gone ...I realize I have been co dependent all along.

 

[pasajes4]

You can't change the past, but you can move forward. We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better we do better. Forgive yourself and try not to get stuck in guilt. You can't move forward if you are stuck in the past.

 

[BusynMember]

We usually find out once they are gone. Trust me, you are NOT the only one.

Your son's drug use is not his only problem. He has a disregard for the laws and will keep getting into trouble until he changes his attitude. Amongst our difficult children he is not alone. They tend to be their own worst enemies.

Your past is over. You didn't force him to use drugs, did you? Put a gun to his head and say, "You take drugs or I'll shoot ya?" If not, you didn't force him to take drugs nor did you have anything to do with it unless you did it yourself in his presence and grinned while saying, "You should do this when you grow up." This is 100% on him.

Many of us enabled our kids, which is why they stayed kids. Your son is not the only one. Don't feel alone here. We are here for a reason. Basically, we have all made the same mistakes because we love our kids and we didn't know any better. I was better equipped to handle Julie's drug problem because of my long experience with 36 and seeing how enabling just made him want more and more and did not change him one bit. He wasn't even grateful.

You are just starting out and it is gutwrenching at first. I hope this never happens, but if he is in jail for the same thing four times, you will naturally start pulling away and getting a bit angry at him and feeling a lot less guilt. It is a normal progression. Your son sounds like he has a nice personality, which is a big plus. He needs to learn that he can not break the law and get away with it in our world. Until he does, that is his biggest challenge unless he is taking addictive drugs. In that case, THAT is his biggest problem.

I have hope for your son, even though he's in a mess now. My daughter was so bad I thought she would end up in jail or dead. I think her eluding jail had more to do with her cuteness and her gender and her minor age while she used drugs than common sense. When she was on parole she continued to do drugs, but she never got caught. So she was "lucky" so to speak.

All the same, she shocked us all and quit. She told us the drug life is hard and she got tired of it and of the drugs and the people you have to contend with while using them. Your son may have this lightbulb moment in jail. You have to hope for the best and, until it happens, in my opinion it is really best not to enable them. Heck, I wanted it to be very hard for my daughter to take drugs and apparently she thought it was! She wasn't homeless. She talked her harda** brother into letting her live in his basement, but he could be a jerk and he had stricter rules for her than us...she got no favors from him and she finally detoxed in his basement with her boyfriend with her (her still SO).Her brother never even knew it was going on, so little did he care for her welfare. I think making an illegal lifestyle unpleasant is a better way to get them to see that light rather than keep giving them the comforts they would have if they were not doing illegal stuff. It doesn't always work, but it did work here.

These adult kids...you never know what they are going to do or why. Keep the Faith.

 

[Woriedmom]

Thank you Midwest mom, I know you are right.Thanks for sharing about your daughter, so glad she made the choice for a better life. I can only pray for my son at this time...I will begin a new thread with what I found out yesterday when my son made a surprise visit....