Am I Just Being Petty or is this Over the Line?

[Hound dog]

I arranged to have Katie's birthday dinner on sunday. It's not a big deal, just soft tacos......easy to clean up/easy to make. As much an excuse to get everyone together as anything. I don't usually give adult kids gifts for bdays, but I do try to acknowledge the day this way. Know what I mean??

Now Katie knows this, she's been here plenty long enough.

So I tell her that her birthday dinner is on sunday and the menu. That is ALL I say. Period.

Evan's birthday is also this month.....and soon.

I don't DO grandchildren's bdays anymore in my home. Now Kayla/Alex last summer was an exception. Katie had been promising them a party for 2 yrs and not delivered. She was to provide everything, do everything, and I just provided the location. Well, it certainly did NOT work out that way. We provided the food. Nichole baked the cake. And we provided the presents as well.

So next thing I know Katie pms me and asks if Melissa would do a Minion cake for Evan. I just stared at it, thinking oh, she best not be thinking what I think she's thinking. I did a blunt, you need to ask easy child and dropped it.

easy child agrees to do the cake. Next thing I know Katie is now acting like this is Evan's party. wtf? Seriously? Now it may be an opportunity for family to give him his gifts, but it most certainly is NOT about him. And yes, I wanted to just scream when easy child said she agreed to do the cake. I know she did to be nice to Evan......but yeah.

Yes. Evan will have no cake and no party from his parents. Yes, once again Katie thinks she has manipulated us into having a party for him......the place, the food, the cake, the presents.
I know this because she just pmed me that Evan is so excited over the party on sunday.

People, we just provided xmas for her kids. I'm serious. The entire deal. They bought ONE video game for the boys to share, that is IT. The rest came from us.

There is just NO excuse. She has more funds going into her home than I do, by quite a lot. She has ONE bill, her rent. And yet she is so "poor" she can't fund bdays and xmas.......or just about anything else for her kids.

This is getting old. Quick.

I haven't replied yet. Because I can only think of smart mouthed responses that range from this has nothing to do with Evan to Look idiot, and it goes right down hill from there.

I will remind her this dinner has nothing to do with Evan, trust me. And I will make certain on sunday that no one makes it about Evan, other than serving up his cake so it doesn't go to waste.

This just has gotten under my skin and really ticks me off. She didn't bother to ask, just assumed and ran with it telling the kids whatever she wanted to tell them. No, I don't like leaving Evan hanging. But I will not be manipulated, I just plain flat out refuse. It won't happen. Not for any reason. I just will not tolerate it from anyone.

So? Am I being petty?

 

[1905]

Tell easy child how you feel first. She can give Katie the cake at another time, it isn't Evans birthday that day. You were manipulated and you don't like it. You are annoyed, that isn't petty. Reply to her briefly that you are celebrating her birthday only that day. If there is a problem or argument, cancel it all, invite the rest of them over for dinner, sounds fun. Since you generously gave them an entire Christmas everything, I can understand the feeling of being taken advantage of, especially with her comment about how Evan can't wait for Sunday. Remember when the kids wanted to make and take home sugar cookies? Even though you weren't planning that, she told them that was happening, I'm sure she told Evan his whole party will be at Nanas. He'll get there and want his whole party Nana. Just be brief and reply in a text so she can't argue. If so, forget about it, she takes advantage of your kindness.

 

[Tiapet]

Of course I'm not you but....after all you've been through and all the taking advantage of at this point I'd call off Sunday. Let Katie give her the cake and force her to "do Sunday" at her OWN house on Sunday with Evan "as she promised"! Seriously. I know you wanted to do the right thing for her for her birthday but it's time she grows up and if you, just giving her a dinner, provokes this then I wouldn't even do that.

As you've seen some of us pull away from our families, maybe this is just a logical step in showing her how you can not be manipulated? She is counting so heavily on Sunday, what happens when that is taken away and she has to face Evan herself? What will become of it? Most likely she will lie to him and say Nana something or other? He may or may not come back to you with what was said to which you can always tell him the truth of what really occurred. I wouldn't compromise.

There is no excuse for this at all. I agree about talking to easy child privately. Doesn't sound like she wants to be party to this either, again but was generous in doing the cake for Evan's sake.

I'm sorry this is happening all over again.

 

[Jody]

Some people just don't know what they have. What a nice thing for you to do for her. How sad, that she takes that kindness and tries to manipulate something else out of it, than what the evening was intended for. I am sorry for her kids, and that is just what she is banking on. Ugh. I would not do it at all, this was something that was intended to make her feel special, and she abused it. I would not feel like doing something for someone who didn't appreciate it.

 

[helpangel]

It doesn't sound like you are being petty at all it sounds like she is taking advantage of you. My family has gotten so huge the only time we do the entire family together is for weddings and other things big enough to rent a hall. I myself would call off the dinner as a slap on the hands for trying this, but as I mentioned before I have a bit of a mean streak in me.

I think of how my parents have handled kids, grandkids & great grandkids & spouses of kids, grand... birthdays. They had to come up with set amounts in a card and heaven forbid if one great grandkid got a different amount then another...

Where I'm going with this is you have more then one grandchild; are they all gonna expect a dinner with cake from this point on if goes as planned? If so... cough cough I would claim getting really sick and cancel Sunday or shift it to Katie's house.

Nancy

 

[donna723]

You're not being petty at all! She's taking your very nice gesture and twisting and manipulating again. Sounds to me like she's trying to turn your offer of a birthday dinner for her in to a birthday party for Evan, on your dime, complete with birthday cake and hopefully gifts! That way, she will have to make no effort at all for her child's birthday. And it sounds like that's what she is leading him to believe it is and she's counting on it that you and the family will come through rather than disappointing the child. Very underhanded and very sneaky.

Of course, I am a bit of a troublemaker too. But if it was me, I would make it very clear to her what this dinner was and was not. Then I'd flat out ask her what HER plans were for HER child's birthday that is coming up!

 

[DDD]

Very seriously, your GFGmom is too much like my now 49 yr.old difficult child.
Here is exactly what I would do. I would have EVAN's birthday party on Sunday. I would NOT acknowledge her birthday in ANY way....not with a single word or hug or song. Zip. Evan deserves a celebration. Go for it!

The kids may or maynot love their manipulative Mom but their Nana is the one who proves her love. Is that too blunt?? Katie is never going to be a easy child Mom. Focus on Evan with love. DDD

 

[dstc_99]

I completely agree with Ddd. While her way if doing if is wrong I would throw E a party and then say nothing about hers. E doesn't deserve to suffer she does.

On the other hand I would pull her aside as she leaves and tell her it will be a cold day in heck before you do it again. You did it because she pulled E in and made him excited. Next kid won't get the same.

Game over Katie!


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[donna723]

I understand though where this puts her in a very bad position. It would not be fair for her to have a birthday party for this one grandchild and not the others. There is still time for his mother to have a birthday party for him at their own house and at their own expense, the way it should be.

 

[Hound dog]

If she continues to try to manipulate.....I will cancel and that will be the end of it.

I don't mind letting Evan eat his cake, and easy child sort of now feels bad because she sees how trying to be kind to Evan got twisted. It is neither of their fault. easy child ought to get to see the boy enjoy her cake and he ought to get to enjoy it. Know what I mean??

But I am just getting tired of covering Katie's backside for everything from school clothes to holidays. Quite frankly, if I'm doing all this stuff the kids might as well be living with me and not her. ugh

Don't get me wrong, I like doing for the kids. I also don't do much more for them than I do the rest of the grands.......other than school supplies and once in a while food......because otherwise she'd become totally dependent on me for absolutely everything. It's the way she twists it and makes it so she doesn't have to live up to her obligations as a parent that burns me up.

It's also this whole deal of Let's Promise the Kids the Moon and never deliver thing that has me wanting to pound her into the ground most of the time. Well, ok, there are LOTS of things that make me want to pound her into the ground, I just don't have time to write out the vent post. *sigh*

I told her yet again that sunday has nothing to do with Evan. DDD I understand your advice, but I have 7 other grandchildren who would love to have dinner and cake at Nana's house for their bdays. I can't really play favorites this way and I can't do all 8 grandkids bdays here or all I'll be doing is bdays every weekend. If I let this progress into a party for Evan, Darrin will be hurt because his birthday was right before xmas and I totally opted out of his party, although i was invited. Brandon's birthday is in 2 wks......and I think you see where I'm going here.

I don't tolerate manipulation. The reason lies in my past and it's not a line that is drawn in sand, it's drawn in stone. I won't switch the party over to Evan. In fact, everyone has been warned I'll be very displeased should they even hint about his birthday until they're about to leave when I give him the gift I bought him (which he will love as it's an add on to the xmas gift he went totally bonkers for). Katie might still attempt to push her luck when she arrives sunday, if so.......well, she'll be slapped down hard and fast.

Katie is not going to change. No. And if I even so much as hint I might be influenced by her amateur manipulation it will be never ending. I don't need the drama, she has enough without adding that to the mix.

I will not do another birthday dinner for Katie. She ruined it for herself.

As far as Evan is concerned.......he may be disappointed now, but come springtime he'll be on top of the world. Nana's got some special time planned for him doing things I know he loves to do but never gets the chance or things he'd love if only given the chance to do them. That child is in desperate need of some special time with an adult with some patience and many of the same interests. I will pull in other grands once in a while that share the same interests to make it more fun as his behavior calms down (excitement can send him nearly over the edge that way). Unfortunately, Alex has already been ruined for such special time due to his video game addiction.....and trust me, it's an addiction. I will try to include him when I can, but I don't see that happening often. Evan still has interests beyond video games and I want to encourage them as much as possible before Katie has a chance to get him totally absorbed into the darn games too. Plus it gives us a way to cultivate some closeness and develop a closer relationship. This sort of thing the other grands are used to. They all have special things they do with me sometimes alone and sometimes with a cousin or sibling that shares the interest. Aren't they fortunate their Nana has an exceptionally wide range of interests? lol

 

[DDD]

I understand. Didn't realize she had other kids with birthdays so close so it makes sense. I've walked in similar shoes and I thought Evan had been told that he was having his special birthday cake etc. Sunday. Like you (and everyone in the CD family) it just makes me sick to think of children who can't even count on their birthdays being special. GFGmom used to (and may still) take "her" birthday child out to dinner to Chili's or wherever she liked to go....sometimes a week before or after the birthday. The present was "alone time with Mommy". Good Grief!

Yes, your grands are darn lucky to have you. DDD

 

[Hound dog]

DDD

As far as Katie is concerned............it's all about HER. Period. If she mentions someone else or wants something for someone else it is so she herself does not have to put forth the time/effort/funds to do it.......or so she can complain about for attention.

Kayla has figured this out recently. She still wavers when her mom plays the "I'm dying" card guilt trip/excuse thing......but our countering it with "there is nothing wrong with your mother" that is back up by an endless list of docs that agree is starting to have an effect on that one too. Kayla is quickly catching on that her parents have quite a bit of money coming into the house, yet they still do without necessities while stupid stuff is bought......and that they often go hungry. That is some of the fuel behind her anger.

 

[1905]

Put everyone's name on the cake, make it about Brandon and even Darrin since you missed his birthday. Put Katies name on it too, then you won't be singling anyone out, yet all will be included. She'll have to give him his own birthday if you don't make that day his only. I remember you only asked her to make a veggie tray for the holiday and she couldn't be bothered, she handed you a bag of carrots she had on hand. How does she treat you on your birthday? She's should be so grateful toward you, honestly.
I know you'll have a great day anyway. Just let it go and have fun, enjoy the kids.

 

[susiestar]

What a witch with a big old B Katie is! I am totally SURE that she has told Evan that this is a big party for HIM. Personally, I think you are handling it as well as you can. I think you need to sit the grandkids down WITHOUT their parents and tell them that Nana doesn't do the birthday parties because she has so many of them and it is more than she can afford to give them each a party. Then I would pick a day and have a party for ALL the grands' bdays all at one time. Maybe spring or fall for cooler weather or summer for outdoor fun. Heck, get easy child and Nichole to drive and take them to a water park Cinci has an awesome FREE one, or they did, and if you just go and take a table there isn't a fee to have a 'party'. I did this at least five times, incl once for a friend's child when they were stone cold broke and that one cost me under $25 for seven adults and about a dozen kids. NOT JOKING! It would be the special birthday for all of them, and they would be told the party and the fun were the gifts, and there would be no unwrapping.

I think that it may be time to think about having Kayla spend more time with you. She may soon be willing to talk about what her parents have done to harm her and her siblings and that may be what you need to get someone involved to get those poor kids away from their parents. I know you have raised your kids, and you are in zero shape to foster or raise hers, but I still think they would be better off outside of that home.

At least you can see that she isn't going to change significantly. You can anticipate her behavior and set your boundaries to stop as much as is possible of her koi. She is an idiot and does not deserve those kids or their loyalty. I would stop letting them shop at your store because they clearly should be helping YOU right now, not trying to get you to support them.

 

[DDD]

SO..........how did it go? DDD

 

[Hound dog]

"Party" ended up cancelled due to Katie not getting it through her head that 1. it was a dinner not a party and 2. it was for her and not Evan.

After I posted here......well, she just couldn't/wouldn't grasp the concept in her passive aggressive way.......and I'm the queen of passive aggressive (battled it for years) and she lost. She hasn't pmed me since saturday. Oh, well. Less koi to put up with.

Katie is truly frustrating / aggravating me lately. I have a gut feeling that things might be either coming to a head or about to fall apart where she and the kids are concerned. Depends on which way you look at it, I suppose. It only frustrates/aggravates me due to the kids.......if her and M want to go hungry & get themselves evicted go right ahead, but there are 3 kids that didn't ask for them for parents caught up in the middle. ugh

I really do need to write out that vent post. *sigh* I guess I'll go over to PE and do it. It's not been a great week for me. I've got Rufus puking all over the place because he won't stop eating dog doo (I didn't have time to make their food this week and bought store food, evidently it's not got the nutritional requirements or got him pooing so much he's losing them) Had my "teen" Rufus with his need to show Mom he's gonna protect me from everything from the big bad guy to a plastic bag waving in the wind spot a new stray cat on the way out the back gate as I was bring the dogs inside...........and more than 150 lbs of dogs yanked Mom's arm right into the gate post because he caught me by surprise and Maggie is determined to back him up. I called off today because that happened not long before work and 2 days of manual labor and it's hurting like all get out and took me all morning to get the swelling down. Needs a few days to get better before I use it like that. (not broken, but I'm not young anymore either) More stuff......but Katie's bull going on was the icing on the cake, so to speak.

 

[DDD]

Sorry. It's a sad situation for sure. Hugs DDD