And the meltdowns begin.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Jul 17, 2012.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    difficult child #1 went into his new program at the end of May. He had a rather peaceful honeymoon period but he's beginning to show his true colors now. This program is pretty strict and I really like the staff there so far. They call him out on his BS and don't let him manipulate them.

    difficult child has called me twice in the last week. It always starts with tears and "I hate this place, I want to come home", etc. The first time it ended with him calling me an "F'ing B" and last night it ended with him telling me I don't love him, I only care about myself and my husband and I as far as he's concerned I can go "F" myself. Lovely huh? I hung up because I refuse to allow him to talk to me like that.

    He called back almost immediately after I hung up. At that point I'd had it. I told him that HIS actions are preventing him from coming home and that HE's responsible for his actions. I told him that although he may be hurt by decisions we've made, we're also hurt by decisions he's made. For example, just a few weeks ago for his HS graduation my husband and I scraped together $400 to buy him a new laptop. We were so excited to give it to him and it meant a lot to us that we were able to get it for him. I worked extra hours and my husband worked an extra side job or two so we could buy it for him. Well, he liked it for a week, then proceeded to try to reprogram it. After that he hated it and then I just found out he sold it for $50 so he could buy junk food! I want to cry! Seriously!

    So basically now all he has is $50 (the staff took it to hold so that he can't buy junk with it), no laptop, nothing. I learned a lesson though. I will NEVER do anything like that for him again. He simply doesn't care about anyone or anything but himself and what HE wants! I'm hurt and sad but maybe that was his intention in the first place??

    Anyway, I called the staff earlier to find out what's happening there. They said he's fine until he doesn't get his own way. That's when he starts freaking out and screaming and cursing and breaking things. Yeah, what else is new? Same as he did at home. And here he is telling me last night that he's changed and that I won't give him a chance. How can I give him a chance if he's still doing the same things there that he did at home? Does he really believe that WHERE he is matters? No what matters is what HE wants and what HE can get out of people. Once he doesn't get his own way he wants outta wherever he is FAST.

    I'm so stressed! I'm starting to think this will never end. I had hopes that once he was 18 it would be easier. Silly me huh???
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2012
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hun, I am so sorry. Sounds like he is being a real jerk right now. I can only imagine how bad it hurt when you found out about the computer. We went through stuff like that with Cory too. We learn during the bad years that we simply wouldnt give him anything that could be sold or traded. That meant mostly we got him clothes from Goodwill as gifts. Sad huh? Well, if you dont "lose" dvd players and leather jackets then maybe we wouldnt be so mean. Seriously, I have been there too. It has been years since I have given him anything nice. I think 2 years ago he asked me for a set of I gave him a set that cost $29 bucks for Xmas. He was thrilled. He still has them. But he is now 26.

    I hope so badly that for most of our kids that they can hang on until the mid twenties when their frontal lobes finally finish growing and we see where they truly are. I know it made a huge difference in me, and it has made a HUGE difference in Cory. Who both of us were at 18 are totally different people than who are/were at 25 and who I am 50. And who I hope Cory is at 50. I hope Cory is even better than me at 50! One can It isnt a guarantee but 18 isnt the mark of being an adult. Their brains are still growing and they are still making such stupid decisions. You just need to keep yourself safe from his actions and hope that he comes out the other end intact.

  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Wow, that kind of verbal abuse is so hurtful, and no matter how many times we're exposed to it, it never gets easier to forget. It sounds like he is in a safe place right now, and that being home with you would not be productive at all. Hang in there and take care of yourself for a change.
  4. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thanks Janet! The computer thing was definitely very hurtful and he has absolutely no remorse over it. It's not the first time he's done something like this but before it was with games. A $50 game is an easier hit to take than a $400 laptop. I really hoped he would cherish that computer and use it during his transition from HS to a job. Wishful thinking on my part. Like I said though - lesson learned!

    I pray everyday that he can hang on until he's older. Lately I keep playing this scenario in my head where I get a call that he's hurt or dead. It's crazy. It just hits me out of nowhere. I pray everyday that he'll get through these next few years in one piece. I hope that once he finds a job and can put some of his passions into use that maybe he'll be more content. I know it takes life experiences in order to gain knowledge but some of his experiences have been pretty bad. And the choices he's made have been even worse. I know 18 isn't the mark of being an adult for him. Not even close. But it is the mark of him having to take responsibility for his own actions at this point. He's been blaming everyone else for years. It's always been everyone but him. At 18 he can now make his own decisions and choices and if something goes wrong he will have no one to blame but himself.

    Thanks again for your reply! Hugs back to you!!!!