And the outcome is...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 16, 2012.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child was transferred to a local detention center today for a reentry/reunification program. I'm happy in a way but this is the very detention center that told me that had no reentry program in place and when difficult child called, he said there are boys there supposedly for reentry but there is no reentry established. I don't know if that means they are sitting there waiting for some program to get established before they can even start the program or if it means they are somehow bypassing the fact that there is nothing established and no set guidelines. PO called and was still somewhat evasive but says I need to meet with him "so we can discuss in home servies and which ones I want to pursue" - so I don't know if he's gone back to a dr. jekyll/mr hyde or if they got his super out of the picture and that was the problem all along- all I know is that PO was very nice and back to acting like I had say-so in this but I don't want to be set up for another accusal of trying to make their decisions again. Anyway, I'm supposed to meet with him next week. PO says I'm also to meet with the director of the detention reentry program because they determine what happens during this phase. I had spoken to difficult child's def attny from the old juridiction earlier this week and he asked for this PO's name and number so I don't know if he called and made impact or what. The people at the facility difficult child had been at were chiming in trying to help, so who least difficult child is closer and PO's acting nice today.

    I have to go pick up some stuff he brought from the Department of Juvenile Justice facility now because they say he can't have it there- I imagine it will be photos because they don't let them have photos there. They do let them have magazines and their own shoes. He couldn't have that at Department of Juvenile Justice. He gets more liberal phone privileges and they have visitation twice a week instead of just once.

    I'm really hoping this focuses on the things that need focusing on and doesn't require him to do another standard program just to get to the transitional component.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    this is the very detention center that told me that had no reentry program in place and when difficult child called, he said there are boys there supposedly for reentry but there is no reentry established. I don't know if that means they are sitting there waiting for some program to get established before they can even start there program or if it means they are somehow bypassing that.

    Oh, d*G. :sigh:
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm really hoping this focuses on the things that need focusing on and doesn't require him to do another standard program just to get to the transitional component.

    Me, too. No sense jumping through hoops when there's real progress to be made. But then, they haven't done the greatest job, either, so why expect them to now?
    Fingers crossed, anyway.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just got back and it was the director of detention reentry who brought difficult child's stuff out to me. I told him my biggest concern how they transition these kids out without some guidelines, or are these kids having to wwait for the guidelines to be developed. No, the kids aren't waiting and it's up to the PO when the kid gets released. Reentry lady apparently coordinates the rest. So according to this guy, he's not in control of any of it. I said maybe PO misunderstood- he says nope. I think they are all like this- it seems like whenever services are provided thru csu, they all say it's the other who's making the decisions but they all tell every single word you say to each other. And yes, of course it's the PO making the decisions. Now why can't a PO just say that? Anyway, difficult child will be in there from 30-90 days. That will result in loss of credits at school, most likely. I'm going to try to keep a good atitude while still watching my back with PO.

    And difficult child- I didn't see him but I'd sure like to know how it is that when he wass released the first time, he came home with a small box with nothing in it except a toothbrush, a comb, all the letters and photos I'd sent him, and his treatment journal, but this time he came home with two huge duffle bags jammed full of stuff and one has a pull out bag on the side which was full, too, plus a plastic bag full of paper items (maybe letters, I don't know)!
  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Wow! what a journey. I hope they teach there. I hope he gets the skills to be part of a family. As for school, they have togive him that-can he do some packets or expedited work? My difficult child was able to do this. She was right on target with credits even though she was in 4 locations last year.

    And I would always ask who makes this decisions? After every conversation, get a timeline and who will be the "yes" man. Will you get family counseling sessions in this program? How will things be addressed if not. As for in-home stuff, I would insist on certified people who had experience. After what Daisy Face has been through......

    A big hug to you and way to stick in there! Many years ago my mentor teacher gave me this advise, " Be fully trustworthy but, never fully trusting!"
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think it's time to be cautiously optimistic, klmno. Nobody knows all the ins and outs of the system but at least there is movement. Your posture of being pleasant to PO sounds like the correct position and I'm hoping that the next stage of reunification goes more smoothly. As always, I am on your team. DDD
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's exactly what I'm thinking. But I'm still pondering what could possibly be the next step if this is some sly way of ...I don't know....when people aren't honest with me and have already discredited themselves to me over something this important, I simply can't see trusting this guy (PO) just yet. Still, it might be a way to get difficult child back in my custody while still looking for a job outside of this area so I can move and get us both out of this jurisdiction- I really do think this would be another situation like with that probation officer. It's just too obvious, unless he really has had some sudden miraculous change or it was his super stepping in botching things up. And reentry lady makes my skin crawl- she is very condescending and sounds like she thinks parents aren't capable of doing squat and she sounded like a used car salesman to me. If she writes any behavior contract, it's obvious it would be dumber than the one proposed that difficult child would quit breaking the law and I'd fix what he wanted for dinner more often. This whole format they use in this state for behavior contracts is stupid- and between a psychiatric and attny I talked to here, they are all taught to do it the same way and it starts with a standard form.

    I'd rather my son be in this detention center for 30-90 days than to be in that dump of a GH for a long period. Now, if he messes up at home, I'd sign to prevent a 3rd commitment to Department of Juvenile Justice, if they would allow it. As always, the concern is that these people making the choices- PO and reentry lady- aren't knowledgable enough to order appropriate services and they are limited to what they can provide and we end up spending tons of time and energy on stuff that isn't helping at all, while we start falling apart and end up in crisis mode then difficult child reoffends. Unfortunately, there just doesn't seem to be any way to even get these people to see that, much less understand it. I guess they are just to "lost in their forest" of typical csu stuff and of course, they are never going to be as concerned about making good decisions as the parent.

    But I'm remaining positive about this step right now, especially to difficult child.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you've wrapped your head around it. If you can keep your patience with these guys I really think you'll be able to lead them to solutions in such a tactful way that they won't know they are being led. on the other hand if it gets advesarial...difficult child will not be the winner. Hugs and Way To Go. DDD
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I plan to try the approach that...well...I'm not expecting them to actually help my and difficult child's problems at home, that way I won't get upset when they aren't doing anything helpful at all. I'm considering it part of his punishment. If it ends up helping anything else, that will just be a beneift. But again, like that previous probation officer, they can create a nightmare situation, whether intentional or not, that provokes chaos in the home. That's the big fear. Any PO who either doesn't know any better or intentionally spends 90 days professing to have authority to put a kid in a GH when he really doesn't, thereby holding the release up and having zilch in place, is not one I'd have faith in to handle any problem during the parole stage. Honwestly, he had to know because he's working so closely with reentry lady and she HAD to know because she works with same company as GH. That's another weird thing about that fed funding. When I meet with PO to discuss "what I want" (that is exactly how he worded it) for services in the home, I'll be advocating for whatever can be done to get reentry lady out of the picture. I won't come out and say that- I'll just ask for the "other". I really think she's just trying to sell the programs and I have a hard time believing she has a clue what she's doing.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    And supposedly, the mtg is to discuss what I want and questions, etc, but so was the one where they turned that around on me and then said I was trying to write the parole plan and THEY got adversarial. PO also mentioned that we all need to be cooperative. I feel like it's a setup again. PO would have to be consistent and stick to what he's saying from here on out before I could ever have any faith in this. I will say that getting difficult child in this reentry program fairly quickly was one positive step, but then, he had no choice.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So so glad you have a plan of sorts finally. Not solid specifics but you know where he will be. All my best to you as usual! XXOO
  12. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    You seem... at peace. I'm glad for that. :)
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) I am glad there is some movement and it was NOT for a court order to send him to another placement like GH.

    Let them write their idiot contracts. AGREE to them - BOTH OF YOU. Do whatever they want, be sweet and compliant and bribe them with cookies. NO MATTER WHAT they ask, your response is, "Well, I don't know what the options are. What would you suggest?" while you are meeting to set up whatever services they will offer or pretend to offer.

    I KNOW that this is about as foreign a response as you can think of, and probably you think you would need to have your head spinning and pea soup spewing to say it. There is a method to my madness.

    This guy is acting nice. We all know he is a control freak loony. BUT he is acting nice. Now is the time for YOU to ACT. Think of the PO meetings as plays that you will either get a Tony for or you will get beaten up for. Well, not so much a Tony cause he is Janet's, but your difficult child anyway. Defer to him, ask him which options he things would help the most. Don't go all sweet southerne belle wthout a brain, but do pour the sugar on. Cookies are a great way to soften someone up and to "apologize" for any past misunderstandings. You don't have to SAY they are for past anything, and I actually wouldn't unless HE pushes. I would jsut take them and say, "I thought you might enjoy these" or "I thought the entire office might enjoy sharing these with you."

    You want this guy to let difficult child go. You want him to stop messing around and being a dipwad. You are VERY limited in your choices. So choose to flatter and not upset him. Yes, it puts decades of equal rights back in some people's minds. In mine? It proves feminine power because we CAN take a new direction and handle thigns differently and this confuses lots of guys and gets them to HELP difficult child and you.

    This isn't about the contracts being stupid. in my opinion all behavior contracts with teens are. PCs will be more likely to follow them, but largely they get ignored. Wth difficult children they become challenges. So, you and difficult child already know the stupid contract won't do anything. So agree, sign it and MOVE ON to helpful things. Keep your focus on getting difficult child home and help and then use their game Occupational Therapist (OT) beat them. I know you don't want to and that I have suggested this before.

    I am NOT saying don't fle complaints. I am NOT saying get rid of the atty. I am saying to play the game when you are with them and do what is needed to get it over with AS you get those complaints ready.

    Just mho, and while I think this might help, I understand if you can't or don't want to.

    just want him home with you with a more easy child outlook on life. Sooo Much. Tell him that his board auntie thinks of him and prays for him every day.
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you Ladies! Susie- you had me lmao! Especially with the "no I actually won't get a Tony because he's DJ's but I'll get difficult child". Well thank you.....Not that I want DJ's Tony- it just had me rolling!

    On a more serious note, I will keep your advice in mind and often re-read responses a couple of times after sleeping on things and letting some time go by or when I'm trying to come up with other ideas.
  15. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I really hope this works out for you both.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Glad I gave you a laugh!! I didn't realize I had actually typed that until just now - I thought I had just thought it!

    Read the ideas until they give you some inspiration.

    You asked about why no one would tell you anything concrete. this is so that NO ONE can be responsible. PO blames it on them, they blame his boss, who blames you, who wants an impartial judge to review things, so they blame you some more, and then finally we learn that the potted plant in PO's office has turned him into a Pod Person and it is part of a plant conspiracy to remove any responsibility from everyone involved in "the system" so that the plants can branch out and then overtake the DOD and get someone to figure out how to deal with those dang bugs that keep chewing on them. They either want a new DARPA weapon to kill the insects or they want a nuclear weapon to get us to ALL leave them alone. (This is why the only plants that enter my home are cut flowers. Pod Person just isn't a title I aspire to.

    No, not really. It is to keep ANYONE from having to face an upset parent or inmate or anyone else. After all, if no one is responsible then there is no one appropriate to take a complaint to.
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Actually I think that prior to your meeting you need to analyze any and all supports that Department of Juvenile Justice might be able to offer for the benefit of your difficult child. in my humble opinion it's time for you to do solitary brainstorming making a list of every conceivable thing that could be offered to insure his successful transition. Maybe even do research on what transitional steps are available in your area or in other areas of the country. See what you can wrap your head around as helpful or potentially beneficial.

    Then when you have your meeting ask them if they can share what they have to offer to juveniles to help them with the transition back into the family environment and community. Make notes, ask questions and if you have on "your" list a support that is not offered by them ask if it is doable.

    I agree that it may be necessary to playact a bit to stifle your resentments. on the other hand this is HUGE! Although I wouldn't personally communicate it to them, honestly your difficult children transitional success should include their involvement via plans that are directly aimed at giving him the best chance to function appropriately. Even for kids with no history of violence the change from full institutionalization to the freedom of home is difficult and confusing.

    I'm so glad that things are moving forward. Fingers crossed. DDD
  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    k... Hugs. I've been reading, thought I haven't been responding because I just didn't know what to say!!!

    I'm just in awe of you keeping it together...
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    thank you all again!

    DDD- I had included some "Ideas for services" that I thought would benefit difficult child/us the most in that list I typed up and took to that mtg with reentry lady and PO and POs super back in Oct and that's when the super went completely off saying i was trying to write the parole plan. Mind you, these ideas were things like difficult child having an ankle bracelet for the first few weeks, maybe trying a mentor again, etc. I really didn't think is was so specific and I presented them as ideas for discussion but it tipped that PO over the edge. The only thing I did say was "NO Behavior Contract" they don't work with us and seem to make things worse- we do, obviously have a system of rewards and consequences and it works fine when difficult child is trying to do what he should; when he's not trying to do what he should, he jumps straiight to breaking the law so any type of system would fly out the window at that point. Now I am aware that we will be required to have a min 90 days in home service and possibly some other things that difficult child has to do. Anyway, PO still has a copy of that list so he knows what I think already. The only hope is that super is out of the way and PO and I can go back to what we were discusisng before super over-rode him and demanded the post d GH. But I'm not holding my breath on that one.

    Here's the real thing it boils down to- reentry lady wants the whole "case" and that's thru the fed funding. Little did I know until yesterday that she will be handling things while difficult child is in the detention reentry, supposedly- that was according to the guy I spoke with there last night. If she handles that portion and she and PO require "her" program's anger management course and she puts whatever else in place- case manager/in home worker to start working with difficult child now, I can almost bet they have to be the ones to do all the stuff after difficult child comes home.

    PO told me he wants me to come in and talk about what services/funding stream I want- and he specifically said that just like he said that back in Oct. The other funding stream is the state funds that would cover the ankle bracelet, mentor, in home case manager for 90 days. Since reentry lady makes my skin crawl and there's no way someone who looks down their nose at "people like us" can ever help us, I prefer the other source of funding- plus- I'm sick and tired of reentry lady acting like difficult child would need so much more (ie- the post d program) just to sell her co's services.

    The reason I think this mtg is boing to be another set-up to go in saying my preference is that I think it's already a given and it's really to let PO know what he's dealing with as far as my preferences so at the next mtg with reentry lady (which he already told me we'd be having) will be for them to sell me on their services- so they can tell me I have no choice if I want difficult child out of there and they can convince me that they can provide everything I just told PO I wanted in our mtg. Am I saying that clearly enough? I do not play act well in bogus mtgs that are meant to sell me a line of BS. For instance, reentry lady had told me about how "they help people get the youth enrolled back in sd". OK, so I asked what if that's not what we need help on? Well, we try to help in any way we can. So none of anything she says is ever directly pertaining to difficult child or our situation, it's always about how great their program is. And she was supposed to have assigned a case manager a long time ago. They have been advertising for CMs on their website forever so lets hope they get one quick- if she ends up being the CM and coming to my house, I'm going to scream. There were several condescending comments she'd made but once she said "well, you know, once these boys have gone to Department of Juvenile Justice, they come out,, well, different" and it was the way she said it, I thought I was going to lose it. But when she said "If difficult child will just do what I tell him, he'll be fine", I did lose it- I didn't yell and said this calmly "well, Lady, do you have any idea how stupid that comment sounds to a parent? If my kid had just done what I told him, he wouldn't have gone in there to begin with. He didn't listen to me, a probation officer, then a parole officer, so what is it that makes you think you are better than all of us and that you have the magic bullet?"

    Really, she's probably a great person to market their services to the funding stream but she should not be the one assigned to work with families and doG forbid, the youth themselves. She made several comments that proved to me she is down-right clueless when it coomes to difficult children in general, much less those that have gotten this deep in the system.

    PO said he wanted me to meet director of detention reentry (who's really the coordinator of this at the detention center), then PO, that director and I would meet together. Then PO said he and I would meet on Tues to go over what I want for services after difficult child comes home. Then we'd meet with reentry lady and the director of her program.

    These people are so ...I don't know how to word it- the only reason he's throwing out "meet with director" of every little thing right now is because I'd written director of Department of Juvenile Justice and called director of the Department of Juvenile Justice facility. So now he thinks this is something he can use to get me to buy into this. I met the detention reentry coordinator last night. I see no reason for the two of us to have a formal mtg with PO when that guy told me he basicly does nothing except keep things maintained there while reentry lady and PO set requirements in place and start what they can while difficult child is in the detention center.

    Then, I see no reason at all for me to have a formal mtg with PO, reentry lady, and her director- especially when I can see the writing on the wall with that one. Now this is not refusing services- let's make that clear- but where is that CM that was supposed to have been lined up already and where's my mtg with him/her? IOW, if this reentry thru reentry lady's co is being ordered, don't BS me by telling me I need to meet with PO to tell him if I prefer this or something else, then go off on me for not prefering that one, then order it anyway, then take me to a mtg to get me to buy into it. If he's going to order it anyway, save us the time, quit trying to manipulate me in the way a parent would a 5yo, and get the CM on board.

    And PO said he wanted to have all these mtgs to make the transition seamless- koi- that would have reqd having a workable plan in place prior to last week so it's way too late for that.

    Sorry for venting....
  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just keep your eye on the ball. There is no way you can change the PO or the PIA woman or "the system". Just not going to happen. The goal is to get services that will have a chance of helping difficult child readjust to regular living again. The PIA likely does see herself as "the" answer for all kids. You and I know there is no "one" answer for difficult children.

    Why not reverse the process? Instead of taking your list (again, sigh) take a notebook and pen, ask them to share with you all the various levels of assistance they can render and write them down as they go. It's OK to ask "why would do you believe this would be beneficial? Narrow down the list by asking questions and making notes on their responses.

    If you don't feel comfortable responding to a specific offer of help either ask questions or say something like "There is nothing more important to me than making sure my son has appropriate supports and I don't feel comfortable making a committment at this time." I doubt they will try to hold your feet to the fire for an instant response. on the other hand you, in my humble opinion, have to "present" as fully committed to the goal and not in the least bit "anti".

    Actually I wonder what difficult child's input would be when discussing supports. He may have done enough self reflection to say "Mom I think x might help me." It's possible. by the way, where is he now? Are you able to talk to him and hope to visit with him soon? DDD