And yet again

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Apr 15, 2008.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    More of the same:dissapointed: I am so tired of difficult child having issues with that one child at school. Yesterday it was the After School program and while it is held at school it is not part of it. Again the child was giving difficult child a hard time, again difficult child retaliated.

    The dad again sent a long e-mail to all the powers that be. He showed up at 8:00 this morning demanding a meeting with the principals. husband happened to be in the office and he got in husband's face. He was yelling at husband and swearing. husband tried to explain that he wasn't excusing difficult child but that his child needed to leave difficult child alone and stop calling him names, etc...

    Of course, the dad said his son hasn't done any of that:angry-very:

    We are getting tired of not doing anything in response because husband works their. The dad is accusing difficult child of getting special treatment because husband and I are teachers in the district. If anything they have been harder on him in trying to be objective. In all of this the other boy has never received any consequences.

    husband did write a letter to the asst. superintendent saying that maybe it is time to tell the other side of the story as everyone keeps getting an earful from this dad but not from us. He is waiting for a response.

    I'm thinking at some point husband may need a restraining order.

    Then, of course, difficult child has to mess things up some more. He now has to be walked everywhere including the bathroom. He went in today and put his hand on a 3rd grader's face and hit his hand. He will be spending tomorrow morning in ISS. They will probably have to start having him use the staff bathroom so he can't get in any trouble.

    He just doesn't learn to keep his hands to himself!!!!!

    I go from feeling so angry with difficult child to also feeling sorry as he is under a tremendous amount of stress from that child picking on him and having to switch classes. On top of that, others are teasing him because he is breaking out with acne.

    Of course, none of this is an excuse for his violence.

    Tomorrow is his IEP and I don't even know what to ask for or expect at this moment.

    All I know is that this school year cannot end soon enough.
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Ugh! hugs Sharon.
    I so know the feeling of fear, anger and protective mother bear need to help difficult child. The feeling of not knowing what else there is to do or how to help things for difficult child or husband or this dad.
    Hope tomorrow is a good day.
    My difficult child couldn't keep his hands to himself either. Not necessarily in violence but it's invasive to other kids and adults.
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sharon -

    I know that violence is wrong. However, you already know that your difficult child is prone to violence. in my opinion, what this other kid is doing is bullying. In a difficult child like my daughter it would cause her to withdraw and turn inward. In a difficult child like your son, it causes him to act outward.

    I agree that difficult child should be punished for violence. However, until the school does something about this other child they are only perpetuating the cycle. They know difficult child's issues. They can't be surprised by his reaction. Yes, it's wrong. But he has psychological and neurological issues and limited coping skills. For crying out loud, he was just in the psychiatric hospital for this very reason.

    It takes two to tango. difficult child may be acting out violently, but this other child seems to be a bully. And he needs to be stopped.

    Just my two cents.
  4. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I am sorry that you and your family have to go through this. All I can say is I am sending you hugs!
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Add my two cents to the pile.

    Heather, you make such a good point. My difficult child used to have this issue in school as well. Other kids knew that if someone teased or taunted difficult child he would flip out, pitch a fit, and then chase the other child down the hall. The other kids found this highly entertaining, and it became a sick game with them...sort of a "who will poke the bear" kind of thing.

    I agree. It is bullying, and it's up to the school to keep your difficult child safe from this behaviour.

    Frankly, judging by the behaviour of the other child's dad, I'm starting to get an inkling of where he might be getting it from.

    {{{{{Hugs}}}}} Sharon. Sorry that this issue keeps rearing its ugly head, and hope things settle down soon.

  6. Loving Abbey 2

    Loving Abbey 2 Not really a Newbie

    I am sorry you are going through this. As far as Bullying, all the research shows that most bullying is learned behavior from a child's family, parents, grandparents, etc. And the only effective interventions are family based and unless a family is on board with that, it hardly ever happens. So that really puts schools in a pickle. They should be punishing the child, but they also need to address the cause because the behavior is being reinforced clearly by the father. Dad is probably a difficult child too. Adn without family intervention, the bullying is not going to stop regardless of how harshly the child is punished.

    Good luck, I hope your difficult child gets soome support and protection.
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sharon, all I can say is I'm so sorry this bullying continues to be an issue. I hope things get straightened out at difficult child's IEP meeting tomorrow. Hang in there and mega hugs.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    So sorry this keeps happening. This really reminds me of the bad old days when Cory was in school. Talk about

    I vividly remember Cory being labeled the "problem child" and everything automatically got blamed on him. He had a horrible time on the bus because that is when the kids were wild and no one could really see what was going on. Cory has ears that are slightly different sizes and kinda stuck out on his head when he was say 5 to 8 years old. They also turned bright red if he got mad or someone touched his ears. They were actually hot!

    Well the other kids loved to tease him about his ears and grab at his ears to get them to turn red. They knew Cory would get agitated and react to all this and he would be the one in trouble. One day Cory comes in crying saying he had been kicked off the bus for yelling. I called the school to ask what was up and they said that he had been screaming and yelling on the school bus and wouldnt stay seated. I looked at Cory's ear and these other boys had yanked on it so hard they had torn it at the top and caused a right nasty, bloody upper ear area. I asked Cory why he yelled and he said it was to get them to stop pulling on his ear because it hurt!

    Im amazed he didnt deck on of them. Oddly enough only he got in trouble for that.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sending extra big (((hugs))). I hope something is done about the bullying soon. No difficult child isn't right in his reaction, but that doesn't make it okay for the other kid either.
  10. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    The only thing I can offer is my support. Take it one moment and one day at a time. Good luck at the meeting tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and sending you good thoughts..
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    What an ugly situation - it seems like this situation should be a no brainer for everyone involved. Keep these 2 apart!

    I'll be sitting on your shoulder throughout your IEP meeting tomorrow; the entire CD board will be with you. Draw on our strength!!

  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you everyone for your support and good thoughts and hugs. This entire situation is so frustrating. I do think the other child is bullying difficult child and that is a huge part of my frustration. He is not getting any consequences and coming off as innocent in all of this. It isn't sending a good message to difficult child or others that as long as you are bullying with words nothing will happen to you.

    I just hope that the IEP meeting helps things today. If not I will have my warrior mom shield ready and stop the meeting if need be.

    Again, thank you for all of your support. I don't know what I would do without all of you!
  13. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I think you need to address the bullying issue at the IEP meeting tomorrow. Obviously the school will address these recent incidents at the meeting (probably want to add something about not being alone to his BIP). Have you ever considered requesting a 1:1 crisis counselor? Perhaps the school, given recent events, will see this as a great alternative.

    Sharon, I'm really sorry about this. Some kids have a tendancy to grasp the weakness in our difficult children and run with them. difficult child had a "friend" in third grade that was such a trigger. For my difficult child it was this kid laughing at him whenever he was fustrated. difficult child's third grade teacher even picked up on hit and removed the other boy from he classroom in the afternoons (which were difficult child's most difficult times). It caused difficult child to get more frustrated and then act out without thinking - the result was that he would get in trouble.

    As he began his fourth grade year, this boy left for a private boys school and difficult child had a 1:1 in place. We have been steadily making progress eve since. The progress is very, very slow, but it's still progress.

    Our thoughts are with you today as you tackle the IEP meeting. And Sharon, I am already seeing the end coming............. June is not that far away!!!!

  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Strong suggestion to pass on to the school - if difficult child is being punished then the other kid should be as well. difficult child shouldn't retaliate, but the kid who triggers him (repeatedly) should also face consequences. Then if the father complains, someone can point out to him that there was fault on both sides and has been for some time. No special favours for difficult child, clearly, if he's being punished as well. And if the father has a problem - then he should tell his son to stay away from difficult child.

    It sounds to me like this father has scared people away from punishing his son even when he's done the wrong thing. We went through the same thing with difficult child 3 - he was being repeatedly bullied and hit, tripped etc by a group of kids in his class which included twin boys. A number of other parents confided in me that they knew what was going on, their sons had told them about the gang of little thugs but they were too afraid of the gang to confirm it to a teacher. And when we finally did have another child prepared to tell the teacher about the bullying - the teacher simply said, "six kids say it was difficult child 3 who started it, against difficult child 3 and his friend. Six against two, difficult child 3 and his friend must be lying." That teacher had told me at another time, that he knew these kids were constantly hassling difficult child 3. But the problem was, the twins' father was very aggressive and the staff were intimidated by him, and by the fathers of the other gang members. So the staff took the line of least resistance and punished SOMEONE (ie difficult child 3) because they HAD seen him hit the other boys. And the other boys - no consequences at all. If anything, they had the knowledge reinforced, that they could attack difficult child 3 with impunity any time they chose to, and nothing would ever be done.

    The message this sent to difficult child 3 was a very bad one. He also stopped telling me about incidents and stopped telling his teachers. I'd hear about it from other kids or their parents. It got so that difficult child 3 finally was believing that it was his lot in life to get beaten up but to also get blamed for it.

    Not good. Not good at all.